Fall 2008 Premiere Dates

* New Series

MONDAY SEPT. 1
Prison Break (Fox)
Gossip Girl (CW)
One Tree Hill (CW)
Raising the Bar (TNT) *

TUESDAY SEPT. 2
90210 (CW) *
The Shield (FX) >

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 3
Bones (Fox)
America’s Next Top Model (CW)
Sons of Anarchy (FX) *
Top Design (Bravo)

THURSDAY SEPT. 4
The Moment of Truth (Fox)

SATURDAY SEPT. 6
Cops (Fox)
America’s Most Wanted (Fox)

SUNDAY SEPT. 7
True Blood (HBO) * >
Entourage (HBO)

MONDAY SEPT. 8
Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox)

TUESDAY SEPT. 9
Fringe (Fox) *
Privileged (CW) *

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 10
Til Death (Fox)
Do Not Disturb (Fox) *

THURSDAY SEPT. 11
Kitchen Nightmares (Fox)

FRIDAY SEPT. 12
America’s Toughest Jobs (NBC)
Don’t Forget the Lyrics (Fox)

SATURDAY SEPT. 13
Mad TV (Fox)
Talkshow with Spike Feresten (Fox)

TUESDAY SEPT. 16
House (Fox)
Lincoln Heights (ABC Family)

THURSDAY SEPT. 18
Survivor: Gabon (CBS)
Smallville (CW)
Supernatural (CW)
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) >

MONDAY SEPT. 22
Dancing With the Stars (ABC)
Boston Legal (ABC)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
Two & a Half Men (CBS)
Worst Week (CBS) *
CSI: Miami (CBS)
Heroes (NBC)

TUESDAY SEPT. 23
Opportunity Knocks (ABC) *
Without a Trace (CBS)
NCIS (CBS)
The Mentalist (CBS) *
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC)

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 24
Knight Rider (NBC) * >
New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
Gary Unmarried (CBS) *
Criminal Minds (CBS)
CSI: NY (CBS)
Lipstick Jungle (NBC)

THURSDAY SEPT. 25
Ugly Betty (ABC)
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
My Name Is Earl (NBC)
The Office (NBC)
ER (NBC)

SUNDAY SEPT. 28
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC)
Desperate Housewives (ABC)
Brothers & Sisters (ABC)
The Amazing Race (CBS)
Cold Case (CBS)
The Unit (CBS)
The Simpsons (Fox)
King of the Hill (Fox)
Family Guy (Fox)
American Dad (Fox)
Dexter (Showtime) >
Californication (Showtime)

MONDAY SEPT. 29
Chuck (NBC)

WEDNESDAY OCT. 1
Pushing Daisies (ABC)
Private Practice (ABC)
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)

FRIDAY OCT. 3
Wife Swap (ABC)
Supernanny (ABC)
Ghost Whisperer (CBS)
The Ex List (CBS) * >
Numbers (CBS)
Life (NBC)
Everybody Hates Chris (CW)
The Game (CW)
Sanctuary (Sci-Fi) *

MONDAY OCT. 6
Samantha Who? (ABC)

FRIDAY OCT. 10
The Starter Wife (USA) * >

MONDAY OCT. 13
My Own Worst Enemy (NBC) *

TUESDAY OCT. 14
Eli Stone (ABC)

FRIDAY OCT. 17
Crusoe (NBC) *
Crash (Starz) *

WEDNESDAY OCT. 29
Stylista (CW) *

THURSDAY OCT. 30
30 Rock (NBC)

2009
Lost (ABC)
Scrubs (ABC)
According to Jim (ABC)
Rules of Engagement (CBS)
Friday Night Lights (NBC)
Law & Order (NBC)
Medium (NBC)
24 (Fox)
Dollhouse (Fox) * >
The Cleveland Show (Fox) *
Reaper (CW)
Big Love (HBO)

Dexter Season 3 Promo!

With Weeds turning in its best season yet (so far, anyway) and Californication's David Duchovny all over the damn place pimping that X-Files movie, it's been almost easy to forget that Dexter is returning to Showtime (no, not CBS) in September. But then my free HBO got shut off--who do you complain to about that?--and this Season 3 promo turned up. Loving it, except for Jennifer Carpenter's new short hair. September 28, bitches ...

Gossip Girl: Very Bad For You

The CW's Gossip Girl isn't a favorite of The Only TV Column That Matters™, but the show's new ad campaign deserves props for turning the outrage of pinhead morality groups back on itself. No, I'm still never going to actually watch Gossip Girl, but this is some funny shit.

The ads pull quotes from various publications (including that brain trust known as the Parents Television Council, who think the only show appropriate for viewing on TV right now is The Greatest American Dog ... seriously) and use them as surprisingly effective selling points: "Very bad for you, " "Mind-blowingly inappropriate," "A nasty piece of work" and "Every parent's nightmare," coupled with sexy pix = advertising gold!

Radio From Hell SumCap 7.14.08

The summary/recap of this morning's Radio From Hell TV report on X96:

Tonight 7.14
The Closer, Saving Grace (TNT) Season Premieres: Kyra Sedgwick is returns as The Closer; Holly Hunter returns Grace what needs saving. TNT should combine the two shows into Closing Grace, the new Cagney & Lacey.

Tuesday 7.15
The Cleaner (A&E) Series Debut: Benjamin Bratt stars as a recovering addict who helps other get “clean” from their addictions. Apparently, Bratt’s addictions are stilted monologues and menacing facial hair.

From Gs to Gents (MTV) Series Debut: “MTV heads to the hood to find 14 young Gs with gruff exteriors and unrelenting street swagger, and put them to the ultimate challenge of their lives pull up their pants, check their egos and transform them into true gentlemen.” And Fonzworth Bentley is the man to do it! Who? What? Huh?

Wednesday 7.16
Project Runway (Bravo) Season Premiere: Back for Season 5—last one on Bravo before it moves to Lifetime, a far less gay channel.

Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E) Season Premiere/Return: Yes, they let him come back. Gene Simmons and Criss Angel ain’t payin’ the bills.

Thursday 7.17
The Office Webisodes (NBC.com) The new round of The Office Webisodes (last seen in 2006) premiered last week with a very funny two-minute bit involving Kevin (Brian Baumgartner), alleged gambling debts and a possibly fraudulent bank loan. This week (new installments go online Thursday afternoons), the story continues with Kevin trying to sell his “Malone’s Cones” ice-cream business—marquee flavor: “Fudge the Magic Dragon”—plan to a loan officer. Of course it’ll work!

The Gong Show, Reality Bites Back (Comedy Central) Series Debuts: NBC’s smarm-wreck America’s Got Talent is just a clone of The Gong Show, so why not bring that back? With Dave Attell in place of original host Chuck Barris? I believe the question answers itself. Slightly more entertaining is Reality Bites Back, wherein comedians compete in spoofs of popular reality-competition shows, all presided over by Michael Ian Black. Since neither The Gong Show nor Reality Bites Back is as ridiculous as their targets, they must be viewed as legit talent shows. Mind. Blown.

Friday 7.18
Monk, Psych (USA) Season Premieres: Since the actor who played Monk’s therapist is dead, here’s Hector Elizondo, his new shrink. Other than that, same ol’ OCD detective show. As for Psych, if you either loved or hated the wacky crime-solvin’ antics of Sean and Gus before (True TV finds ‘em hysterical, FYI), your mind will not be changed, much less blown.

Sunday 7.20
High School Musical: Get In the Picture (ABC) Series Debut: Wondering why Nick Lachey was spotted around Salt Lake City a few weeks ago? More pressingly, wondering who Nick Lachey is? The former Mr. Jessica Simpson is the host of High School Musical: Get In the Picture, yet another reality-talent show. What’s the ultimate prize? Starring in a music video to be shown in the end credits of High School Musical 3. Seriously. This is a major network series. Projected to air for 10 weeks.

Generation Kill (HBO) Miniseries Pt. 2 of 7: David Simon and Ed Burns’ Generation Kill is more than just The Wire Goes to Iraq—but that’s easier. The seven-part series, based on embedded Rolling Stone reporter Evan Wright’s book of the same name, shares The Wire’s bare-bones realism and dark humor, but hits harder (or should) because it’s on the news 24/7 and happening right now—Iraq gets more coverage than Baltimore, after all. If HBO’s WWII-set Band of Brothers had more profanity, heavy metal (music and hardware) and no historically ordained happy ending, you’d have Generation Kill.

The Office: New Websodes!

The new round of The Office Webisodes (last seen in 2006) premiered today with a very funny two-minute bit involving Kevin (Brian Baumgartner), alleged gambling debts and a possibly fraudulent bank loan. Next week (new installments go online Thursday afternoons), the story continues with Kevin trying to sell his “Malone’s Cones” ice-cream business—marquee flavor: “Fudge the Magic Dragon”—plan to a loan officer. Yeah, I know—you’ll wait for the DVD set.

The Middleman: Yes, It's on ABC Family

One of my favorite new shows is on ABC Family. No, I can't believe it, either. But tonight's episode is titled "The Manicoid Teleportation Conundrum," so how it could possibly suck like, say, Greek?

The Middleman (Mondays) is like Men In Black on a cable budget, with a hint of old-school Saturday-morning Kroft cheese. And star Natalie Morales is just TF hot, even though she never actually wears those lowcut leather catsuits as promoted by, yep, ABC Family. Pat Robertson must be rolling over in his grave.

In more clever Middleman promotional news, dig this:

Get Awkward

Frequent City Weekly contributor Brian Staker does this podcast called The Awkward Hour, wherein he sits and chats with random "interesting" people for nearly 120 minutes (yes, that adds up to far more than an hour--he's a writer, not a mathematician).

For Episode 8, he podded me. No, I don't know why, either. Much shit was talked about sports writers, rock critics, bad TV, our ever-dumber America and other stuff we can't remember (Episode 8 brought to you by Uinta Golden Spike Hefeweizen, BTW). I also alleged that CW editor Holly Mullen is on permanent vacation, so I'll be cleaning out my desk while you listen.

Check my Awkward Two Hours with Staker here.

Rescue Me: Thanks for ... Something

So the Rescue Me "minisodes" thus far (all two of 'em) have been utter nonsense--tonight, there was some sort of payoff. At least for us more perverted, er, imaginative fans of the show.

"Fantasy" kicked off with Tommy (Denis Leary) getting hot n' heavy with estranged girlfriend Sheila (Callie Thorn)--believable enough, her being insane and all. Suddenly, estranged ex-wife Janet (Andrea Roth) is joining in, at which point it's obviously a Victoria's Secret catalogue-induced dream. No sooner are Sheila and Janet turning their attentions to each other (oh, yeah), when Probie Mike (Michael Lombardi) shows up (oh ... no). Just turns into a half-assed gay joke from there.

Are these 5-minute weekly chunks going to make me forgive Rescue Me for not returning until 2009? Fuck no. But tonight, they almost had me ...

Radio From Hell SumCap 6.23.08

The summary/recap of this morning's Radio From Hell TV report on X96:

Summer TV
Burn Notice (USA, July 10), The Closer and Saving Grace (TNT, July 14), Monk and Psych (USA, July 18), Mad Men (AMC, July 27), Eureka (Sci-Fi, July 29), The Shield (FX, Sept. 2), It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, Sept. 4), Dexter and Brotherhood (Showtime, Sept. 28).

Tuesday 6.24
Rescue Me Minisodes (FX) Five-minute comedic episodes, since Rescue Me won’t be back until 2009. Good reason to almost watch 30 Days.

Wipeout (ABC) Debut: It’s like the Japanese Most Extreme Challenge (MXC), only … no, it’s MXC.

Charlie Jade (Sci-Fi) New Night: Instead of trying to make sense of it on Fridays, try it on Tuesdays.

Wednesday 6.25
The Baby Borrowers (NBC) Debut: Dumb teens are given toddlers. A reality show, not a day at Lagoon.

Farmer Wants a Wife (CW) Finale: If you’ve been following this, please shoot yourself.

Shear Genius (Bravo) Season Premiere: It’s like Groomer Has It, but with people.

Saturday 6.28
Nothing. Go see Roller Derby at the Utah Olympic Oval, Sisters of No Mercy vs. Leave It to Cleavers. SLCDerby.com.

Sunday 6.29
The Factory (Spike) Debut: It’s like The Office, in a factory. And not funny.

Radio From Hell SumCap 6.16.08

The summary/recap of this morning's Radio From Hell TV report on X96:

Tonight 6.16
Weeds (Showtime) Season Premiere: When last we left pot-dealing MILF Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker), her home was engulfed in wildfires and she was dragging the family south down the Cali coastline to work for her new gang partner/boss on the Mexican border. It’s only going to get weirder (read: better) now that Nancy’s moving in with her estranged father-in-law (well-cast vet Albert Brooks) in the border town of Ren Mar. Meanwhile, back in what’s left of Agrestic, her former crew is pinning their marijuana crop on jailed Celia (continuing scene-stealer Elizabeth Perkins); logic and promo photos say they’ll all be reunited sometime this season.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl (Showtime) Series Debut: Secret Diary of a Call Girl is A. A sexy-smart British import about the life of a “full-service” escort, and 2. The answered prayers of Doctor Who nerds who lusted over sweet lil’ Billie Piper in the revival series a few years ago. Now, she’s Belle (the call girl) by night and Hannah (the real girl) by late afternoon, narrating the ins and outs—ha!—of her business with professional cool a la USA’s Burn Notice. Secret Diary may not be the next great Showtime series, but it’ll do until the return of Californication.

Tuesday 6.17
America’s Got Talent (NBC) Season Premiere: Hosted by Jerry Springer, with "celebrity" judges David Hasselhoff, Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne; Salt Lake City's own Slippery Kittens Burlesque in the first episode—you probably won't see them on KSL News, though.

Flipping Out (Bravo) Season Premiere: The OCD house-flipper is back! Sorry, houses!

Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen) Season Premiere: Tori Spelling and husband Dean McDermott are checking out of their bed & breakfast and moving back to Hollywood! Sorry, Hollywood!

Wednesday 6.18
Ghost Hunters (Sci-Fi) Season Finale: This week, they’ll not find a ghost in a Delaware Civil War fort.

Black Gold (TruTV) Series Debut: The new reality series from the producers of Ice Road Truckers and … man, I hate these fuckers … TruTV, but no sign of “guest star” Rooster McConaughey, brother of Matthew. Like Truckers, The Deadliest Catch, Septic Tank Rangers, et al, it’s just on the cameras and wait/hope for dismemberment; Black Gold just brings waaay to much “Danger’s a-Lurkin’” narration to the table. Or so it seems, until these West Texas oil-rig workers actually speak: They all sound like Boomhauer from King of the Hill—but at least there are subtitles.

Thursday 6.19
Penn & Teller: Bullshit (Showtime) Season Premiere: Who knew there would still be enough bullshit to go around? In the Season 6 opener, Penn & Teller take on The War on Porn, that seemingly endless battle being waged by groups of Morally Outraged Pinheads who want to regulate your TV, your Internet and whatever you’re carrying in your pants.

Friday 6.20
35th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards (ABC) Regis Philbin receives the Lifetime Achievement Award for still being alive-ish; Cameron Mathison and Sherri Shepherd host. If you're up during the day, maybe you'll know who they are.

Saturday 6.21
The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) Season Finale: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest. My money's on Rampage—Forrest doesn't sound very intimidating.

Sunday 6.22
The Two Coreys (A&E) Season Premiere: I thought this was about the buddy misadventures of Canadian singing sensation Corey Hart and Milwaukee Brewers right fielder Corey Hart! Now that’s a reality show! Note to self: Check copyright on Hart 2 Hart …

The Guy Awards (Spike) Dubious Awards Show: I’ve become quite invested in this “Who’s hotter: Eva Longoria or Eva Mendes?” argument in the commercials for Spike’s second annual Guys Choice awards. Naturally, anyone with half a brain and at least two man-nuggets knows the only correct answer is Eva Mendes, but we’ve all been dumbfounded by the American voting public before, haven’t we? And how can you truly trust an awards show whose sole nominees for “Ballsiest Band” are the Foo Fighters and … Linkin Park?

Radio From Hell SumCap 6.9.08

The summary/recap of this morning's Radio From Hell TV report on X96:

Tonight 6.9
Nashville Star (NBC) Season Premiere: Miley Cyrus' dad hosts; Murray's Charlie Jenkins is a contestant. It's American Country-Music Idol, but even worse than that sounds.

Roman Polanski: Wanted & Desired (HBO) Filmmaker Marina Zenovich examines the statutory rape case involving director Roman Polanski--more summer fun from HBO!

Tuesday 6.10
Oxygen 25-iest: Power Couples (Oxygen) Debut: We've now reached the limit on shows with people you may have heard of spewing snarky pop-cultural references in lists.

Work Out (Bravo) Season Finale: Probably more drama than working out. Just a guess.

Wednesday 6.11
Celebrity Circus (NBC) Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, Christopher Knight, Janet Evans, Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, Rachel Hunter and Stacey Dash attempt death-defying stunts in a head-to-head competition in front of a live studio audience; hosted by former N'Syncer Joey Fat One.

Men In Trees (ABC) Series Finale: Say buh-bye to Anne Heche forever.

Top Chef (Bravo) Season Finale: There can be only one!

Thursday 6.12
The Bill Engvall Show, My Boys (TBS) Season Premieres: TBS unearthed the Sitcom Generator 1000, entered “husband, wife, three kids, wacky neighbor,” got back this formless lump of a show and cast anyone wandering near the production lot. My Boys cruises on the charm of star Jordana Spiroand sporadic flashes of Comedy Gold (usually via co-star Jim Gaffigan).

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo) Season Premiere: Immediately following Bravo’s A-List Awards (perhaps you’ve caught some of the 386 hourly commercials for it across the NBC/Universal cable spectrum), it’s the fourth-season premiere of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List! Just because I find her hysterical doesn’t make me gay … right?

Friday 6.13
Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi) Mid-Season Finale: The halfway point of the fourth and final season of Battlestar Galactica … take a moment, if you must … falls on Friday the 13th? That can’t be good. Even though this episode is titled “Revelations” (oh, you bastards), don’t expect The Biggies to be unveiled until the BSG homestretch run in 2009.

Saturday 6.14
Dana Carvey: Squatting Monkeys Tell No Tales (HBO) No, he’s not dead.

Sunday 6.15
The 62nd Annual Tony Awards (CBS) The ceremony honors excellence on Broadway; the casts of Rent and The Lion King are scheduled to perform; Whoopi Goldberg hosts. So, Hugh Jackman-free?

Swingtown? How About 'Stacheville?

Tonight, CBS debuts Swingtown, a summer-dumped drama about '70s wife-swappers--you can read all about it in this week's True TV column.

The most interesting aspect of the series is, unfortunately, Grant Show's mustache; if My Name Is Earl ever returns on NBC, Thursday is going to be The Place for free rides, ladies.

For the dudes, here's CBS' lame idea of Viral Video promotion:

TruTV Makes First Contact With True TV

TruTV (formerly Court TV) has finally made contact with True TV, as my Salt Lake City Weekly column has been titled, like, forever. It's a promo pack for Black Gold, which is either a new docu-series about oil rig workers or a weekly dissection of a middling Soul Asylum song. Chain of response to come ...

True TV 5.22.08: Life & Death

The new True TV column for City Weekly is online and in print now, FYI. Remember that Life show on NBC? Yeah, me too.

Read it here.

Morning Wood With Fergie

In case you weren't up this morning (in any sense), here's a taste of Fergie on NBC's Today Show, shaking her leather moneymaker through a cover of Heart's "Barracuda." Though impressive, the best part isn't her faux fellatio on the tubby guitarist, stripper gyrations, gymnastic cartwheels and even the Axl Rose snake-wiggle, but the horrified expressions on the kiddies' faces up front. Where's the Parent's Television Council?! What about The Children?!

What's Canceled, What's Not

ABC: Canceled
Big Shots >
Carpoolers
Cashmere Mafia
Cavemen
Men in Trees
Miss/Guided
Notes From the Underbelly
October Road
Oprah’s Big Give
Women’s Murder Club

ABC: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
According to Jim
The Bachelor
Boston Legal
Brothers & Sisters
Dancing With the Stars
Desperate Housewives
Dirty Sexy Money
Eli Stone
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Grey’s Anatomy
Lost
Private Practice
Pushing Daisies >
Samantha Who?
Scrubs (from NBC)
Supernanny
Ugly Betty
Wife Swap

CBS: Canceled
Cane
Jericho
Kid Nation
Moonlight >
Power of 10
Secret Talents of the Stars
Shark
Viva Laughlin
Welcome to the Captain

CBS: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
The Amazing Race
The Big Bang Theory
Cold Case
Criminal Minds
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Ghost Whisperer
How I Met Your Mother
NCIS
The New Adventures of Old Christine
Numb3rs
Rules of Engagement
Survivor
Two & a Half Men
The Unit
Without a Trace >

NBC: Canceled
1 vs. 100
Amnesia
Bionic Woman
Clash of the Choirs
Journeyman
Las Vegas >
My Dad is Better Than Your Dad
Phenomenon
Quarterlife
Scrubs (moving to ABC)
The Singing Bee

NBC: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
30 Rock
The Apprentice
The Biggest Loser
Chuck >
Deal or No Deal
Friday Night Lights
Heroes
Knight Rider
Law & Order
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Life
Lipstick Jungle
Medium
My Name is Earl
The Office

Fox: Canceled
Back to You
Canterbury’s Law
K-Ville
Nashville
New Amsterdam
The Next Great American Band
The Return of Jezebel James >
Unhitched

Fox: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
24
American Dad
American Idol
America’s Most Wanted
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
Bones
Cops
Don’t Forget the Lyrics
Family Guy
Hell’s Kitchen
House
King of the Hill
Kitchen Nightmares
The Moment of Truth
Prison Break
The Simpsons
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles >
‘Til Death

The CW: Canceled
Aliens in America
Beauty & the Geek
Crowned: Mother of All Pageants
CW Now
Girlfriends
Life is Wild
Online Nation
Pussycat Dolls: Girlicious >
WWE Smackdown (moving to MyNetworkTV)

The CW: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
America’s Next Top Model
Everybody Hates Chris
The Game
Gossip Girl
One Tree Hill
Reaper >
Smallville
Supernatural

Suicide Girls Shouldn't Act. Even on CSI

Catch tonight's episode of CSI: NY? No? Since you have a life, you missed a howlingly clunky infomerical for the Suicide Girls, wherein a gaggle of real SGs (I recognized one of my faves, Zoli) were involved in a murder investigation and were called upon to "act" like themselves and deliver lines like "We're not Baywatch babes ... or the Pussycat Dolls" and assert the Suicide Girls' agenda of tattooed empowerment. I support 'em, but this was a painfully bad as a '70s CHiPs episode with roller-disco dandies extolling their lifestyle--and just as funny! Observe:

Happy Tru Year

I finally regained access to the ol' True TV blog after two months (don't ask) just in time to watch Court TV click over to TruTV for 2008, thus swiping the name of the television column I've written for Salt Lake City Weekly for nearly 10 years. Happy fucking New Year to me and my nonexistent team of lawyers.

Should anyone still care about 2007, my picks for the best TV shows of the past year went online last week elsewhere--they were all on cable, because broadcast network TV is dead. Sure, some great shows premiered this fall on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and even The CW (Reaper ... how us dozen viewers miss ye), but the ongoing Writers Guild of America strike has pretty much killed even the promising few that were picked up for a full season. A few leftover new eps in January and the 2007-08 season is more or less over. Unless you count reality shows, which no one with an ounce of taste or brains should. Not being elitist--have you seen the shit that's coming?

Anyway, here's hoping the blog of the original True TV gets back on a regular posting schedule for 2008 ... oh, that's on me. Stay tuned ...

And Now a Halloween Treat ...

... From master of horror Garth Marenghi. Please to enjoy ... Dark Place!

Samatha WTF?

ABC announced today that they're giving some show called Samantha Who? a full-season pick-up. From what I gather, it's on Monday nights, stars Christina Applegate, and lots of people apparently watch it because it's between Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor and their brains are too numbed by geriatric hoofers and nubile skanks to switch the channel. Hey, it's a mandate. Further inspection reveals that Samantha Who? is about a woman who gets run down by a car, falls into brief coma, then awakens with no prior knowledge of what a raging bitch she was before nor of being attached to that What About Brian? (another great ABC series with a name and a question) guy. Wackiness and cute outfits ensue. This gets higher ratings than NBC's Heroes, not to mention CBS' cavalcade of filthy "family" sitcoms. Coma sounds good right about now ...

What True TV's watching tonight:

Bones (Fox) A Halloween episode and an excuse to get Brennan into a sexy costume. Score!

Reaper (The CW) The Devil gives Sam an extra-hard gig for Halloween: Tracking down CW viewers.

Nip/Tuck (FX) Christian and Sean walk all the way from Miami to Hollywood in the season premiere. I'm guessing that's the whole hour, since FX didn't send me a preview.

Rebrand This

What's up with the damn blog? Sorry, been busy with my ongoing battle against Court TV's insistance on changing their name to TruTV--as we all know, I've had the name True TV for years and this whole thing is just pissing me off. The official change doesn't happen until January 2008, but the "rebranding" campaign begins next month. Since Warner Bros. budget is slightly larger than mine, I may lose this one; score another round for Corporate America. So ... how do I get in on that?

Anyway, on tonight's annoyingly Veronica Mars-free Heroes, Sylar (who has apparently joined the Jack Donaghy "Talking Like This" contest) and the Wonder Twins of Death crossed the border from Mexico to 'Merica, only to be confronted by the redneck, uh, "Citizen's" border patrol--Minutemen, but with seemingly better hygiene. Girl Twin turned on her Black Eyes Killin' power and took 'em all out, then the trio drove off and left 'em for dead.

How many whackjob militia sites are going to be lit up with this tonight? Or at least tomorrow on the shortwave radio? Another imaginary attack on our freedoms!

Oh, and this morning's (and past morning's) X96 Radio From Hell TV report is now available in podcast form. I know; I'm as shocked as anyone.

Geek Impact

That whole Chuck vs. Reaper argument? Hack TV critics may not have their "revenge of the nerds" go-to for much longer: Nobody's watching Reaper. I mean nobody. Veronica Mars had three times more viewers in the same CW timeslot last year, and we all know what happened to her.

And as a side note: How is it that Kristen Bell (Veronica) wound up on Heroes this season, but Jason Dohring (Logan) got screwed with a role on CBS' craptacular (but still more watched than Reaper) Moonlight? Now Ghost Whisperer is suddenly high Friday-night art ... sorry, Logan.

Back to Chuck and Reaper: The only similarities are that the shows' leads work in big-box stores and happen to be as good-lookin' as TV stars. That's it. Chuck is an action series with hints of humor. Reaper is a comedy with several toes in sci-fi. When the action slows down on Chuck, the funny ain't there to carry it. Reaper rarely falls flat, no matter what mode it's in. If it were on a real network—say, as a lead-in to Heroes—Reaper would be a Fall Smash. As it is, it's just barely beating out Life is Wild (debuted to exactly 35 viewers last night) and your webcam.

So watch Chuck tonight (and then the multiple reruns on NBC properties Bravo, USA, Sci-Fi, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, etc.), and watch Reaper REALLY HARD tomorrow night. Who knows, could help ...

All About Hugh

Daddy, what was Cop Rock? So Pushing Daisies might not be the hardest sell of the new season: CBS’ new musical casino drama (yeah, that’s right) Viva Laughlin doesn’t debut for two weeks, but this one-minute YouTube clip of Hugh Jackman singing “Sympathy for the Devil” (also right) surrounded by slot machines and showgirls should keep you laughing for at least that long ...

Bonaduce Breaking

So last night at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards (one bomb, hundreds of reality-TV douchebags taken care of, just sayin'), hulking freckle Danny Bonaduce pulled a WWE-worthy move and tossed Survivor assclown Jonny Fairplay face-first to the floor, sending him to the hospital sans teeth and blood. Finally, Bonaduce has contributed something to society, although Kanye West felt slighted for not receiving a Piledriver.

What The Only TV Column That Matters™ is watching tonight:

Pushing Daisies (ABC): Debut of the fanciful new series from the folks behind Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me ... so it's probably already been canceled.

The Bionic Woman (NBC): Jaime learns to use her new powers, while everyone else wonders why the guv'ment didn't give her a personality upgrade.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC): Tranny trouble is a-brewin'!

South Park, The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central): Cartman has Tourettes; Sarah joins an anti-abortion group. Let's all go to Hell, shall we?

Slick Willie 24-7

Former president/future first lady Bill Clinton on Sunday's Meet the Press:

"If you're the Jack Bauer person, you'll do whatever you do and you should be prepared to take the consequences ... When Bauer goes out there on his own and is prepared to live with the consequences, it always seems to work better."

Yeah ... to quote Dwight Shrute: "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."

What The Only TV Column That Matters™ is watching tonight:

Bones (Fox): A soccer mom gets blow'd up in her minivan; Jack Bauer not suspected.

Reaper (The CW): Sam and Sock capture more souls escaped from Hell, including the fuckers responsible for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Eureka (Sci-Fi): In the season finale, Carter and Stark work together to get into Allison's pants, er, save her son from a mysterious virus. Then, the pants thing.

Crock of Love

So the escapee from the '80s Cowboy Biker Poser wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Wax chose the young, hot girl over the skanky old stripper who might possibly be a dude on last night's Rock of Love? This is the shocker of the century! Well, that and the revelation that reality TV may not be all that real! Can't wait for the Reunion Show next Sunday ...

Killing Time

Big Shots Thursday 9.27 (ABC) Series Debut: They’re four alpha-male corporate execs but, damn it, they have feelings, too! Big Shots was apparently shooting for Sex and the City With Dicks, but just wound up with dicks. Watching metrosexual power-players whine about relationships, kids, office politics and golf just makes The Only TV Column That Matters™ long for the days of AMC’s Mad Men that much more: bang a secretary, pour a bourbon, light a Lucky and shut the fuck up already.

Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy Thursday 9.27 (ABC) Season Premieres: Betty’s still ugly, but the interns are now real doctors. Scary.

CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 9.27 (CBS) Season Premieres: Sara’s gone missing, then the Trace team searches for Shark.

My Name Is Earl, The Office, ER Thursday 9.27 (NBC) Season Premieres: Full-hour premieres for Earl and The Office, while ER enters its 57th season.

Moonlight Friday 9.28 (CBS) Series Debut: If you still miss Angel or even Forever Knight, there’s a new crime-fightin’ vampire with a heart of gold in town; this one sleeps in a freezer and looks a lot like The Shield’s Alex O’Loughlin. That’s about all there is to report, because Moonlight has undergone several cast, script, showrunner and title changes (previous names: Twilight and Crime-Fightin’ Vampire With a Heart of Gold) since CBS first picked it up; could be all sock puppets and show tunes by the time it gets on the air.

Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs Friday 9.28 (CBS) Season Premieres: So many boob and math jokes, so little space.

Las Vegas Friday 9.28 (NBC) Season Premiere: Nikki Cox is gone, but Tom Selleck has arrived. Doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

Dexter Sunday 9.30 (Showtime) Season Premiere: At the end of Dexter’s excellent first season, our Serial Killer With a Heart of Gold had finally eradicated Miami’s Ice Truck Killer (who’d turned out to be his own brother, who was dating Dex’s stepsister to get to him … you had to be there) and all seemed relatively right in Dexter’s sorta-wrong world—so why so down at the onset of Season 2? A month later, it’s more bowling than killing: “My life’s been all Jekyll and no Hyde.” He’s not only off his vigilante game, but his freaked-out sis has moved in with him and his girlfriend suspects he may have framed her douchebag ex-husband and sent him back to prison (which Dex did—the guy wasn’t quite evil enough to murder). Then there’s the discovery of the bodies of his previous villainous victims—and Dexter can’t even carry out a nice, relaxing kill. Sheesh.

Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters Sunday 9.30 (ABC) The housewives enter their 60s, and I still hate Brothers & Sisters.

American Dad Sunday 9.30 (Fox) The Smiths go on vacation, which can’t end well.

Brotherhood Sunday 9.30 (Showtime) The best Rhode Island mobster drama since Family Guy returns to fulfill your Sopranos-free life.

Cavemen, Carpoolers Tuesday 10.2 (ABC) Series Debuts: Yes, Cavemen is the new sitcom based on those Geico insurance ads, so it already has a built-in audience of people with 30-second attention spans. Now, it’s 30-minute comedic allegory for racial and class divisions … yeah, sure, they’ll hang with it. Except that the first version of Cavemen’s pilot sucked harder than Allstate, so ABC sent it back to be “reworked”—a phrase on par with, “Let’s make this commercial 1,000 percent longer! With other commercials in it!” As for Carpoolers: If you liked the underrated/under-watched Sons & Daughters (Fred Goss stars here), you’ll probably wonder why no one brought that back instead of watering it down and moving it into the commuter lane. I know I did.

Pushing Daisies Wednesday 10.3 (ABC) Series Debut: Then again, sometimes networks take too big of a chance with something that might have even been difficult to pitch on cable: Pie shop owner Ned can bring the dead back to life with one touch, but a second sends them back Dirtnap City for good—helpful for solving murder cases with his private eye buddy (doesn’t everybody have one?); not so much when he revives his childhood sweetheart. Pushing Daisies comes from the creator of Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me, and shares their offbeat tones of sweet romance and dark humor—and eventually, probably a DVD discussion group on Amazon.com about brilliant-but-canceled shows. Catch it while you can …

South Park, The Sarah Silverman Program Wednesday 10.3 (Comedy Central) Cartman struggles to reach the new Wednesday-night offensiveness bar set by Sarah Silverman, who joins an anti-abortion group and then performs an anal abortion on Steve. Good times.

Chuck You

Chuck, Journeyman Monday, Sept. 24 (NBC) Series Debuts: This is not another hack piece about how the new fall season is all “geeked” out. Damn, TV critics are a creative lot. The titular Chuck of NBC’s new Heroes lead-in works at Buy More (think Best Buy) in the tech-troubleshooting Nerd Herd (think Geek Squad), so of course he’s a girlfriend-free underachiever—until he accidentally downloads the entirety of America’s secret intelligence into his brain via an e-mail (just go with it) and bam! Instant Alias, with clip-on ties instead of wigs. Chuck takes the average-dude-in-over-his-head comedy of Andy Barker P.I. (remember that?) to a new level—the first episode’s chase scenes could be the most hysterically intricate ever shot for television—and nails the balance of smart comedy and sweet charm, not to mention killer action. As for NBC’s new time-travelin’ sci-fi drama Journeyman … at least it’s better than Day Break (I know you don’t remember that).

The Big Bang Theory Monday, Sept. 24 (CBS) Series Debut: Hyper-intelligent geeks struggle to meet hot girls; middling comedy ensues. On the upside, The Big Bang Theory actually makes Rules of Engagement seem funny an hour later—score, CBS!

Cane Tuesday, Sept. 25 (CBS) Series Debut: Jimmy Smits presides over a Cuban-American family’s sugar and rum empire in Florida; middling soap-opera drama and intrigue ensue. CBS has promoted Cane with Mojito-flavored lick-strips in magazines, so at least one original idea has come from all of this.

Reaper Tuesday, Sept. 25 (The CW) Series Debut: Another nerdy guy toiling away in a big-box store is thrust into extraordinary circumstances—similarities to Chuck don’t quite end there; instead of being forced to moonlight for the government, Reaper’s Sam has new gig with Satan. Tomato, tomato. But, whereas Chuck star Zachary Levi carries his show with confident ease, Reaper’s Bret Harrison (late of Fox’s The Loop) is upstaged at every turn by slacker bud Sock (Invasion’s Tyler Labine) and the Devil (Twin Peaks’ Ray Wise), who bought Sam’s soul before he was even born—enough about Britney being a bad parent—and now employs him to hunt down escaped Hell-ions. Reaper has a funny, crackerjack Kevin Smith-directed pilot ep, but is it too smart for the viewers of lead-in Beauty & the Geek? Oh, hell yes.

Private Practice, Dirty Sexy Money Wednesday, Sept. 26 (ABC) Series Debuts: Ever seen Kate Walsh on a talk show? Hi-larious. She’s also probably more capable of carrying a show than anyone back on Grey’s Anatomy, from whence Private Practice spun-off last spring in a lame tentative “pilot” episode. Fortunately, the final Addison-does-Cali product is far better, and this is coming from a guy who hates Grey’s Anatomy. I mean, really, really hates Grey’s Anatomy. Oh, and ABC didn’t send me Dirty Sexy Money, so fuck it.

The Bionic Woman, Life Wednesday, Sept. 26 (NBC) Series Debuts: The good news: The Bionic Woman lives up to nearly all of its Battlestar Galactica-pedigreed buzz. The bad news: That buzz is limited to the relatively small audience of Galactica (sorry, not everybody reads your blog), and Michelle Ryan’s performance in the title role is so stiff you may wonder if she’s not entirely circuitry and silicone. The best news: Matters not, because The Bionic Woman is dark, taut, action-packed and riveting every second that Battlestar Galactica’s Katee Sackhoff appears onscreen as the first bionic woman who’s gone rogue and quite insane. She’s out to kill her 2.0, and The Only TV Column That Matters™ is rooting for her—I wanna see that series. I don’t, however, want to see another cop show. Life is another cop show. Ergo …

Five to One

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Thursday 9.13 (FX) Season Premiere: How to kick off a new season of basic cable’s most infamously sick/wrong/hysterical sitcom when you’ve already mined the comedy gold of racism, abortion, molestation, welfare, crack addiction and—worst of all—local politics? I believe the title of tonight’s episode says it all: “The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby.” There’s also a subplot about environmental idiocy, er, activism, and the continued, utterly unnecessary presence of Danny DeVito, but It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia still rides on the flawless cartoon-nihilism chemistry of Mac, Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee, which occasionally equals that of Seinfeld’s Hallowed Four … if they lived in a seedy Philly borough instead of Manhattan, that is. Love the show, hate yourself.

Nashville Friday 9.14 (Fox) Series Debut: If you actually consider Laguna Beach and The Hills to be “reality” shows, you just might be a big enough sucker to fall for the same brain trust’s Nashville, which follows the manufactured dreams and drama of young pretty folk “struggling” to forge a career in country music—or whatever it is Nashville cranks out these days. Then again, it’s on Friday nights, so it won’t even last as long as the previous sentence. Moving on …

Prison Break, K-Ville Monday 9.17 (Fox) Season Premiere/Series Debut: When last we left Prison Break, Michael had been tossed in a hellhole Panamanian prison and Lincoln was on the outside—tables turned, man! Is your mind blown? If not, this should do it: Nash Bridges’ daughter (Jodi Lynn O’Keefe) is introduced this season as a character named … Susan B. Anthony! Prison-breaking, conspiracy-busting and head-shining ensue anew. Considerably less-complex is new series K-Ville: Jaded maverick cop + by-the-book new partner with a Dark Secret + colorful crew x post-Katrina New Orleans = Standard Police Drama No. 625, with a side of Cajun sauce. In other words, don’t bet on any new series with a “ville” suffix.

Back to You, ‘Til Death Wednesday 9.19 (Fox) Series Debut/Season Premiere: Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton and Fred Willard star in the hottest new sitcom of 1987—now! Sure, Back to You may feel like a throwback to Murphy Brown, but it smells as dead as Ted Knight’s decomposing corpse under the remnants of the Mary Tyler Moore set (see kids, The Mary Tyler Moore Show was a newsroom comedy of the 20th Century, as was Murphy Brown). How ‘Til Death made it to a second season is equally unclear; Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher’s undercooked homage to Al & Peggy Bundy would probably have gone straight to TV Land if Fox wasn’t so preoccupied with giving Ryan Seacrest more shit to do—seriously, that assclown is hosting the Emmys and animating backgrounds for American Dad on breaks.

America’s Next Top Model Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Season Premiere: The search is on for the latest 98-pound skank to sequester in the Witness Protection Program, uh, launch into a fabulous modeling career! Or at least a future guest spot on a doomed CW series like …

Gossip Girl Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Series Debut: If I thought the pilot episode of Gossip Girl would stay in my head for longer than the two minutes it’s going to take to recap it, I’d spring for a lobotomy. Josh Schwartz has relocated The O.C. to an east-coast private school for rich teen models with more “problems” than personality; when you can spot the group “bad boy” wearing a bored look, artfully mussed hair and an ascot (!) in the first act, things probably ain’t going to get better. No, it gets worse, and the unseen titular “blogger” narrating the show only drives home the inanity: It’s Kristen Bell, ex-star of The CW’s far-superior-so-of-course-it-was-canceled Veronica Mars. Stellar first week of the new fall season, eh?

To the Curb

Torchwood Saturday 9.8 (BBC America) Series Debut: A spin-off (and anagram) of Doctor Who that’s being pitched as a sci-fi combo plate of The X-Files, Angel and, well, Doctor Who: A team of pretty special-ops agents keep watch on a space/time rift in Cardiff, Wales, and use acquired alien technology to battle whatever baddies pop out of it. Torchwood continues BBC America’s summer hot streak (if you forget about Hotel Babylon, which you should), even if it falls slightly short of Jekyll. Oh, and like Britain’s previous Buffy the Vampire Slayer tribute Hex, there’s plenty of sex. But not as much as …

Tell Me You Love Me Sunday 9.9 (HBO) Series Debut: Home Box Office answers the “It’s HBO-ver!” naysayers of the post-Sopranos era with a meta-depressing rumination on Relationships and Intimacy that makes Ingmar Bergman look like Judd Apatow. Too much? OK, breaking it down: You. May. Kill. Yourself. Before. Episode. Three. Tell Me You Love follows four couples at various stages of marriage working through trust and commitment issues while … too much again? Try this: There’s a whole lotta graphic sex, including a scene in the premiere with Lost’s Sonya Walger performing a tug-job on her husband that could have only been simulated with a prosthetic—which would be even weirder than the actual sex that’s rumored to have been filmed for the series. If this all sounds like more draining work than pirating Showtime, you’re right. For real creepy awkwardness, stick with …

Curb Your Enthusiasm Sunday 9.9 (HBO) Season Premiere: What valuable social lessons has Larry David learned since the last new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm way back in December 2005? You know, when he died? None—he’s a rich white guy, what’s to learn? In the Season 6 opener, Larry and Cheryl take in a family of Hurricane Katrina survivors (it’s a Cheryl thing, natch), conveniently named … the Blacks. Upcoming episodes involve the violation of unspoken drycleaner codes, roadside memorials, teddy bears and Ted Danson, as well as the disturbing revelation that one of Larry’s pals has been masturbating in his house (HBO now stands for Habitually Beating Off, apparently). In other words, it’s still the hysterically real/unreal Curb you and the network pray never ends—and in what universe is Richard Lewis dating Tia Carrere?

Frisky Dingo Sundays (Adult Swim) Season 2 of Frisky Dingo premiered Aug. 26—which was unexpected, considering the planet was supposedly driven into the sun by supervillain Killface’s Annihilatrix doomsday device at the end of the first. Turns out it malfunctioned and actually pushed the earth’s orbit 3 feet away from the sun, stopping global warming. Now he’s an insta-hero running for president while former millionaire playboy/Iron Man-esque nemesis Xander Crews is a destitute porn star. This is he part where you assume I’m going to say, “It all makes sense if you watch it.” Yeah … anyway, Frisky Dingo: Funny and educational for the marketing of evil pinheads for president—listen up, Brownback-ers.

Rescue Me Wednesday 9.12 (FX) Season Finale: So Season 4 of Rescue Me has been shakier than an all-Gavins AA meeting—it’s still better than any series out there, comedy or drama. Denis Leary has delivered both in a double-barreled shotgun blast of pathos every week, no matter how many ridiculous new characters clutter the scenes (Leary’s latest girlfriends, Gina Gershon and Amy Sedaris, make Callie Thorne’s whacked Sheila look like a pillar of sanity). The season-ender cliffhangers, however, must go, because none—not even tonight’s—live up to Leary’s lingering threat of having all the 62 Truck firefighters die in an out-of-control blaze. There’s always Season 5 … right, FX?