TV Weekend: Life & Times of Tim, SNL, Survivor, Dexter

What’s new this weekend:
The Life & Times of Tim (HBO) Season Premiere: After two seasons in 2008 and 2010, HBO canceled the animated Life & Times of Tim, then uncanceled it and picked it up for this third run. See, Deadwood and Carnivale diehards? There’s still hope (but not really). Before, Tim (voiced by series creator Steve Dildarian) was a 20-something NYC corporate-office drone with a propensity for turning every situation into an awkward disaster; now, he’s unemployed and awkwardly looking for work (too bad this season was made before Occupy Wall Street happened). Funny, twisted stuff—and you don’t even have to be Adult Swim-level “medicated” to appreciate it.



Steven Niles’ Remains (Chiller) Movie: No, not the remains of author Steve Niles (30 Days of Night), but yet another zombie-apocalypse thriller. The Remains twist: It’s set in Reno, and it’s on an obscure channel you’ve likely never frequented—unless you’re really, really into horror flicks and reruns of Fear Factor and … Harper’s Island? Still, Remains is a notch above the average Saturday-night Syfy filler, both aesthetically and dramatically, and Chiller sent me an elaborate promotional casino box with playing cards and poker chips to say it.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Happiness is a Warm Blanket Charlie Brown, Ice Age: Mammoth Christmas (Fox); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); Sanctuary (Syfy)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Fall Finale: Jimmy Fallon hosts, and that nice young man Michael Buble sings. Who wants to bet the sound will be fucked up in the opening sketch yet again? No wagers from anyone at CW30.

 
Also new Saturday:
CWMA Country Christmas (ABC); Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns, The Story of Santa Claus (CBS); America’s Most Wanted: U.S. Marshals Edition (Fox); WWE Salute to the Troops (USA); Too Cute! Baby Sloths (Animal Planet); Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Finale: Season Finale: In the ultimate surprise twist, the winner of Survivor: South Pacific will be neither Coach nor Ozzy (and certainly not that idiot Brandon), but Angelea from the recently-completed season of America’s Next Top Model. You may not get it, but reality-TV blogs are blowing up right now. #Angelea

Dexter, Homeland (Showtime) Season Finales: So the whole “Doomsday Killer” arc has nearly fizzled in the homestretch of Dexter’s sixth season, and the side plots haven’t gone much better (Deb has to be the worst Miami Metro cop boss since, well, the last one). And what’s with killing off the most interesting guest stars (Mos Def and Molly Parker) so early? Travis (Colin Hanks) and Dex (Michael C. Hall) are at least headed for a typically epic serial-killer smackdown finale, and those only disappoint in prime-numbered seasons—am I right, mathletes? Similarly, new international-terrorism soap Homeland has careened from iffy to gripping to slippery over the previous 11 episodes, and it’s tough to imagine how they’re going to tie it up, much less set it up for the second season that’s already been ordered. Somebody exhume Jack Bauer, quick.



Also new Sunday:
Allen Gregory (season/series finale, Fox); Geek Love, All-American Muslim (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT)

Obligatory blog question: So what are you going to watch this weekend?

TV Tonight: Psych, Barbara Walters, Lady Hoggers, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Psych (USA) Season Finale: Shawn and Juliet’s romantic getaway (at “Neil Simon’s Lovers Retreat,” one might gather from the episode title) is wrecked by a robbery, a murder and Shawn’s premature ejaculation … no, wait, just the first two. They’ve learned to work around the other thing.

Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 (ABC) Would you believe, the Kardashians, Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family), Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry and Pippa Middleton? That doesn’t even add up to 10! WT Fuck?

Lady Hoggers (A&E) Season Finale: In other Shows I Didn’t Even Know Existed news, Lady Hoggers concludes its first season with, presumably, some ladies doing a bit of hogging. That’s what I got; they can’t all be gems.

American Horror Story (FX) Penultimate Episode: Means “next to last,” kids. Tonight, Violet and Tate try to kick some of the other ghosts out of the house, as some of them (OK, all of them) are just such DRA-MA queens. Oh, and Vivien finally gives birth to those double demon babies, thus kicking off The Apocalypse and daring next week’s season finale to top this shit.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Soup (E!)

American Horror Story: The end (literally) is near …

TV Tonight: Raising Hope, Unforgettable, Conan

From CityWeekly.net: Today’s new DVD releases

What’s new tonight:
Raising Hope (Fox) Christmas Ep/Fall Finale: Last year’s shiny new comedy has become this season’s afterthought thanks to New Girl—but Raising Hope is still funny as hell. Even a tired ol’ It’s a Wonderful Life holiday twist works for this show, as tonight the family learns what life would be like without lil’ Hope. Bonus: The return of the kiddie’s criminal mom, Bijou Phillips. Merry Christmas, movie house!

Unforgettable (CBS) Fall Finale: A ghost hunter has been murdered, and it’s up to super-rememberer Carrie (Poppy Montgomery) to crack the case. Note: This is not a Christmas episode, even though a dead ghost hunter is exactly what I asked for from Santa.

The Conan One Hour Earlier Best of Spectacular (TBS) Special: Team Coco looks back on a year of basic-cable servitude with clips and surprise guests—hope they got George Lopez! Too soon?

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, New Girl (Fox); Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)

What might have been on Raising Hope … 

TV Weekend: Boss, SNL, Boardwalk Empire, Bag of Bones

What’s new this weekend:
Boss (Starz, tonight) Season Finale: It’s Election Day in Chicago—will Mayor Kane (Kelsey Grammer) keep his seat? Since Boss will be back for a second season next year, yeah, probably. Onto more important matters: Will Kane’s assistant Kitty (Kathleen Robertson) keep her clothes on for another episode? This disturbing trend doesn’t bode well for the aforementioned Season 2.



Chuck (NBC, tonight) Community’s Danny Pudi (did you see last night’s amazing Christmas/Farewell ep? Hulu it!) guests as a new Buy More employee, and a reluctant Chuck has to turn to Verbanski (Carrie-Anne Moss) for help with a nasty computer virus. Good thing: The Buy More Nerd Herd would just declare his computer dead to sell him a new one—just like a certain local company specializing in PC Laptops did to me months ago. Guess what? I’m typing this on the very same “dead” laptop. It’s a miracle!

Also new tonight: 
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Grimm (NBC); Sanctuary (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Noted comedienne Katy Perry hosts, and welcomes musical guests Katy Perry’s Boobs. Or Robyn. Either works.



Snowmageddon (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Read (some) about it at CityWeekly.net and then make your own Syfy movie.

Also new Saturday: 
The 98th Republican Presidential Candidate Debate (ABC); Cops (Fox); Spike Videogame Awards 2011 (Spike); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1); Extreme Christmas Trees (TLC); Primevil, The Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

The Amazing Race (CBS, Sunday) Season Finale: As always, the white people win.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: Jimmy considers making amends with Nucky, since it seems a lot less weird now than having sex your own mother, I’m assuming. Meanwhile, Margaret considers a weighty offer from Esther Randolph, the woman who’s prosecuting Nucky. In all, looks like Nucky’s fucked—yes, I have been waiting two seasons to say that.



Stephen King’s Bag of Bones (A&E, Sunday) Miniseries Pt. 1: Pierce Brosnan returns to television (well, cable) in a miniseries about ghosts, love, etc. Also starring Melissa George, Jason Priestly and maybe even Lori from The Walking Dead as the titular bag of bones (but not really).

Also new Sunday: 
Once Upon a Time (ABC); The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT); Luck (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

TV Tonight: The League, Community, Wipeout, Grimm

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Dushku Alert: Kevin thinks his hot Krav Maga instructor (hot Eliza Dushku) is hitting on him. So, conundrum: We’re to believe that anyone in The League is taking Krav Maga classes AND the remote possibility of Eliza Dushku hitting on them? Jenny, sure—but Kevin? Just roll with it.

Community (NBC) Last Episode Before “Hiatus”: It’s a combo Christmas episode and let’s-piss-on-Glee episode! God bless us, every one! Thanks, Community gang! See you next … Spring? Summer? Never? Damn …

Winter Wipeout: Deck the Balls (ABC) Christmas (?) Special: Meanwhile, in quality TV programming that actually gets viewers: A full hour of fat dummies getting knocked around by giant rubber dildos! For the holidays!

Grimm (NBC) New Episode, Special Night: A dozen of you might notice that is where Prime Suspect usually airs—tonight, however, it’s a bonus ep of Friday-night semi-hit Grimm, aka Law & Order: GFT (Grimm’s Fairy Tales). Check it out; it’s at least as crime-y as The Mentalist.

Also new tonight: 
America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Great Big American Auction (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (ABC); Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Weed Wars (Discovery); DUI (TLC); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Kevin gets a face/pants full of Dushku on The League tonight:

TV Tonight: ANTM, Modern Family, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars (The CW) Season Finale: Will the Cycle 17 winner be crazy Lisa, ghetto Angelea or weird Allison (above)? Since Lisa is too obvious and Angelea is too terrible (seriously, how did she get this far?), let’s go with Allison. Keep in mind, I haven’t correctly picked a winner since Cycle 1—don’t bet on my choice, compulsive gamblers.

Modern Family (ABC) Christmas Episode: In order to expedite the holidays, everyone is assigned tasks: Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree; Gloria does the ornaments; Jay and Cameron wrap presents; Phil, Claire and Manny … seem to be missing from the chore list. Am I the only one thinking sexy road trip with Manny running the camera? Yeah, probably.

American Horror Story (FX) Not Even Close to a Christmas Episode—It’s Titled “Smoldering Children”: Violet (and we) finally learn the house’s ghost rules, so everything is going to make complete sense now. Also, a little more backstory on Larry’s burnt face, and Constance is hauled in by the cops for questioning. All I want to know is, will Mena Suvari (mrrrow) be sticking around as the Black Dahlia? And where exactly are these “smoldering children,” anyway?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Psych (USA); The Soup (E!)

So WT Fuck is going on in this America’s Next Top Model finale promo? And why is ANTM still not in HD?

TV Tonight: Sons of Anarchy, Covert Affairs, New Girl, Moonshiners

What’s new tonight:
Sons of Anarchy (FX) Season Finale: It’s all going down tonight! Jax has to finish the gun deal with the Irish, keep Opie from trying to kill Clay again, keep himself from killing Clay, get Tara and the kids outta Charming, find Bobby and Juice, keep himself from killing Clay, etc.—a whole lotta drama to squeeze into an hour. Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 and watch all said drama unfold on the big screen with a big beer or five. Beginning Tuesday, Jan. 17, True TV, City Weekly and Brewvies will present the next great FX drama, Justified, every Tuesday night—free, of course.

Covert Affairs (USA) Season Finale: Annie (the spy) and Danielle (the sister) take a nice vacation in Sweden—until Danielle is mistaken for a spy (?). Much running and frantic just-get-a-room-already phone calls to Auggie ensue.

New Girl (Fox) Jess asks her dude roommates for some advice for getting it on with her new “boyfriend” Paul (guest star Justin Long). In the real world, this advice would be filthy as hell and involve sex acts that would make even porn stars wince. In New Girl world, it’s just quirky and adorable (I am not using the word “adorkable” ever again).

Moonshiners (Discovery) Series Debut: Yes, even the cable channels once dedicated to science and academia are filling up with reality shows about rednecks doin’ redneck shit—as you may have guessed, Moonshiners is all about illegal hooch-makers runnin’ afoul of the law. Up next, stay tuned for Critter-Guttin’ and Incest Is Best.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); A Michael Buble Christmas, The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Haven: Holiday Specials (Syfy); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)

Looks to be another happily-ever-after ending for Sons of Anarchy tonight …

TV Tonight: 2 Broke Girls, Charlie Brown Xmas, Mortified Sessions

 What’s new tonight:
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Caroline and Max scramble to find Chestnut (you know, the horse in the yard) a job so he’ll have somewhere warm to stay—did winter just hit New York? And how are they going to work a vagina joke into this? Meanwhile, Peach (you know, the uptown trophy mom Max babysits for) auditions for The Real Housewives of TriBeCa. Somehow, this is a Christmas episode … vagina.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (ABC) The 1965 holiday staple, now in HD! Because if there’s anything that needs high-def treatment, it’s a crudely-drawn cartoon that also looked terrible 46 years ago. Oh yeah, I ruined Christmas.

The Mortified Sessions (Sundance) Series Debut: From the stage and the page, it’s The Shoebox Sessions remade for basic cable, with host David Nadelberg digging up the past of celebrities for maximum discomfort and enlightenment. In the premiere, those celebs are Ed Helms (The Office) and Mo’Nique (Precious, the entire ‘90s UPN schedule).

Also new tonight:
You Deserve It, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); American Country Awards (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness (MTV); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Neverland (Syfy); Scouted (E!); Enlightened (HBO)

Lucy and Ethyl, er, Laverne and Shirley, uh, Max and Caroline have horse problems on 2 Broke Girls tonight:

TV Weekend: Nikita, Supernatural, SNL, Neverland

What’s new this weekend:
Nikita (The CW, tonight) Fall Finale: In the last episode until January, Alex finally makes her move against the Russians who had her family killed—if she can so easily beat the shit out of a roomful of goons, how come she can never even muss Nikita’s hair? Meanwhile, back in ‘Merica, Nik has to enlist black-box help from Owen because Michael’s still on his emo vacation, and pissed-off Amanda drops the hammer on Percy. Needless to say, not everyone’s issues are getting worked out tonight.



Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Fall Finale: Also out until January, Supernatural signs off for 2011 with a Bobby-centric episode … because that’s what the girls want, less Sam and Dean and more grizzled old dude.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Game of Your Life (NBC); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Boardwalk Empire’s Steve Buscemi hosts and The Black Keys play. Finally, a solid host/band combo—don’t fuck it up, Steve!



Also new Saturday:
It’s a Wonderful Life (NBC); The Ultimate Fighter (Spike); Primevil, The Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Neverland (Syfy, Sunday) Miniseries: No, it’s not about Michael Jackson’s ranch: Neverland is an epic miniseries prequel to Peter Pan, starring Keira Knightly, Rhys Ifans, Anna Friel, Bob Hoskins and Charlie Rowe. And, yes: Like most Syfy miniseries, it looks cool and it’s too long (Neverland concludes Monday night).



Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show (Fox); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

TV Tonight: Community, DUI, Weed Wars

What’s new tonight:
Community (NBC) Yes, It’s Still On: When Annie accidentally breaks Abed’s limited-edition Dark Knight DVD and pins it on an imaginary burglar, Abed goes into full-loon investigational mode—I know, who saw that coming? Meanwhile, Jeff and Shirley team up to take down some Foosball goons. And NBC might cancel this? Wha?

DUI (TLC) Series Debut: It’s like Cops, but just about the drunk drivers. Admit it—you’re so gonna watch this.

Weed Wars (Discovery) Series Debut: Over on TLC sister network Discovery, Weed Wars (not to be confused with Weeds or Whisker Wars) goes behind the scenes at medicinal marijuana shops—it’s like Pawn Stars, but with fewer Civil War coins some stoner found in the basement. Welcome to the world of Learning and Discovery, kids!

Also new tonight:
Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Cathouse: Frisky Business (HBO); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Weed Wars even has a theme song by Snoop Dogg, yo!

TV Tonight: The Soup, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, Psych

What’s new tonight:
The Soup (E!) New Night: Of all E!’s questionable programming decisions, moving Friday-night mockery staple The Soup to Wednesdays is right up there with Kendra, Ice Loves Coco and the application of “News” to any show on the network. Wednesday is the most overloaded TV night of the week; piling on another appointment series is like demanding more flavors of Faygo at your neighborhood convenience store—you only need so many. Still, The Soup, and host Joel McHale (who may or may not be out of a job on NBC’s Community next fall), is Essential Television, and who watches “live” TV anymore, anyway? Who knows when the hell Chelsea Lately airs? Certainly not Chelsea Handler.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox) Series Debut: Fox was on a respectable sitcom mini-streak with Raising Hope (because it’s funny) and New Girl (because it’s … something), but that all ends with I Hate My Teenage Daughter, a laugh-tracked(!) throwback the network seems to have picked up at an ABC Family yard sale. Jaime Pressly plays a slightly toned-down, possibly medicated version of her Joy character from My Name Is Earl, but now her high-pitched redneckette is the divorcee mom to a slutbag mean girl—imagine Reba with the subtle Southern subtext replaced with an apparent line-yelling quota. Prediction: Dead by Christmas.

Psych (USA) Shatner! What else do you need to know? How William Shatner’s guest character falls into the grand narrative arc of Psych? Bitch, please.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Grammy Nominations Concert Live (CBS); Christmas at Rockefeller Center, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); Mythbusters (Discovery); Ricochet (TNT); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); American Horror Story (FX)

The Shat hits the Psych, tonight:

TV Tonight: Victoria’s Secret, Ringer, Innocent, SOA

What’s new tonight:
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (CBS) Remember when this used to be controversial? A full advertorial hour of half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies that no one will ever buy? Now, it’s just a holiday tradition, like Starbuck-induced diabetes and mistletoe panties. Oh, and don’t forget the shitty music, this year provided by Maroon 5, Kanye West and Nicki Minaj. Upside: Half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies.

Ringer (The CW) Fall Finale: Does the let’s-take-a-break-till-January episode of troubled twins drama Ringer answer any questions, foremost being “Who’s still watching Ringer?” Not really, but Sarah Michelle Gellar’s former Buffy the Vampire Slayer co-star Amber Benson (Tara!) drops in for a visit—as a Stripper With a Heart of Gold. So there’s that.

Scott Turow’s Innocent (TNT) Movie: Sure, TNT’s getting into the original “mystery movie” business about 30 years late—but Innocent … sorry, Scott Turow’s Innocent … boasts the all-star cast of Bill Pullman, Alfred Molina, Marcia Gay Harden and nasty ol’ Lorena from True Blood (Mariana Klaveno)! And it’s full of that courtroom drama your parents so enjoy.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Next-to-Last Episode: Last week, Opie let a little daylight through Clay—will he survive being shot? Will Jax and Tara finally get the fuck out of Dodge? Is it time for Big Otto to ride the lighting? Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight and watch it all unfold on the big screen at 8 pm—totally free. With beer.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); WWE Smackdown, Sanctuary (Syfy); Storage Wars (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); Covert Affairs (USA)

The intense intensity gets even intenser tonight on Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: The Closer, Bored to Death, Scouted

What’s new tonight:
The Closer (TNT) Fall Premiere: The Mouth of the South, LAPD chief Brenda Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick), is headed for the last roundup, the first of the five final Season 7 episodes kicking off tonight. You may not have known The Closer was still on, but your mom does.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) Fall Premiere: Your mom also knows about Rizzoli & Isles, and she’s adamant that these crime-solvin’ ladies (Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander) aren’t lesbians. So don’t even bring it up.

Bored to Death (HBO) Season Finale: While Hung is the most fully realized comedy on HBO right now, Bored to Death is its flat-out weirdest: Where else would you get a love triangle that includes Zack Galifianakis and Olympia Dukakis, weed-smokin’ Ted Danson in a restaurant war with Oliver Platt and a guest shot by Dick Cavett, all in the same season? More so than any other series, comedy or drama, Bored to Death unfolds with the fluidity of a jazz score, making even the most bizarre situations seem like just another plausible day in Brooklyn. Here’s hoping HBO picks it up for a fourth season next year; Jason Schwartzman (as writer/unlicensed detective Jonathan Ames) will likely never be better than he is here.

Scouted (E!) Series Debut: Scouts grab pretty people off the streets and turn them into models—not against their will, although that would make for a far more interesting reality series. Scouted also has some sort of vague Utah connection I couldn’t give less of a fuck about.

Also new tonight:
Shrek the Halls, You Deserve It (ABC); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Pawn Stars (History); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Tribute to Ryan Dunn (MTV), Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

It’s a (small) army of Super Rays to the rescue on Bored to Death! 

TV Weekend: Hoops & Yoyo, Dear Santa, Leverage, Walking Dead

What’s new this weekend:
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas (CBS, tonight) Holiday Special: A pink cat and green bunny stow away on Santa’s sleigh and, somehow, cause a rift in the space-time continuum, thus sending them back in time to accidentally derail the destiny of a young Kris Kringle. I shit you not. We have enough Christmas cartoons now, right?

Also new tonight:
The Elf on a Shelf (CBS); Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Olive the Other Reindeer (The CW); Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse (TBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Dear Santa (Lifetime, Saturday) Holiday Movie: A woman (Amy Acker of Angel and Dollhouse) intercepts a letter to Santa from a young girl wishing for a new mom. Naturally, the woman tracks down the widower and puts a plan in motion to become that new mom. Not creepy nor scary in the least.

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Primevil (BBC America); Storm War (Syfy)

Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On (TV Guide, Sunday) Series Debut: Riding the rediscovery wave thanks to Bridesmaids (yeah, sure), ‘90s footnote Wilson-Phillips discover that juggling family life and recording a “comeback” album that absolutely no one wants to hear ain’t easy. Oh, and TV Guide is a real channel.

Leverage (TNT, Sunday) Winter Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Midseason Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith (ABC); The Amazing Race (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Soul Train Awards (BET); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

Lest you don’t believe me that Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On is real:

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: Dancing With the Stars, Workaholics, SOA

What’s new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Two-Hour Season Finale: So this shit is finally over—is Nancy Grace still in the running/hoofing? No? Then I really don’t care. Even worse, DWTS is bumping Body of Proof, ABC’s only non-crap Tuesday series, tonight. At least I still have …

Workaholics (Comedy Central) Season Finale: In a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode, the guys decide to spend Turkey Day at Hedonism II, thus ensuring half-naked babes and drunken debauchery—if Blake can score a passport in six hours, that is.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) After finding daddy Piney dead last week, Opie’s out to fuck somebody up tonight! And it’s Clay! Maybe Jax, too! Hell, he may kill all of SAMCRO and next season it’ll just be the Opie & Otto Show. If Otto survives this one, that is. Come watch it all blow up on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars (A&E); Covert Affairs (USA)

Opie’s on the rampage and Tara’s in trouble on tonight’s Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Castle, The Layover, Death Valley

What’s new tonight:
Castle (ABC) Remember how Det. Beckett (Stana Katic) got shot at the end of last season? And how it’s barely been addressed this season? That denial comes back to bite her in the narrow ass tonight when a sniper goes on a random citywide killing spree and Beckett’s PTSD conveniently kicks into high gear. Will the episode end with a tear-jerking, partners-gotta-have-each-other’s-backs speech from Castle (Nathan Fillion)? Have you never seen this show?

The Layover (Travel) Series Debut: International badass Anthony Bourdain finds stuff to do, see and eat during 24-48-hour layovers—presumably while filming his other show, No Reservations. First up: Singapore … oh, this oughta be good …

Death Valley (MTV) Season Finale: If that other zombie show has been spending too much time on talking about “feelings,” “relationships” and other bullshit for your tastes, you should give Death Valley a spin—there’s waaay more undead brain-splattering, and it’s intentionally funny, too. Of course, as with any show I actually like on MTV, it’ll probably be canceled after tonight to make room for Teen Mom 8. Damn it.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, You Deserve It (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

Can you keep up with Anthony Bourdain on The Layover?

TV Weekend: Onion News, Grimm, Weirdo, AMAs

What’s new this weekend:
The Onion News Network (IFC, tonight) ONN is back on Friday nights, and anchor Brooke Alvarez is back from the Tired Hospital—just in time for The Fact Zone’s investigative series “Sex In America,” which is more than just a cheap ploy for ratings. But not much more. Welcome back, Brooke!

Grimm (NBC, tonight) It ain’t bad, but could Grimm be made better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Women Who Rock (PBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Soup (E!); Boss (Starz)

Donald Glover: Weirdo (Comedy Central, Saturday) It’s a stand-up special with Troy from Community—which is not canceled … yet.

Also new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Jason Segal w/ Florence & The Machine (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

2011 American Music Awards (ABC, Sunday) Every horrible, talentless musical act on the charts together in one place, including Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Marc Anthony, Christina Aguilera, Chris Brown, LMFAO and Nicki Minaj. Am I suggesting nuking the venue and instantly improving the country’s musical outlook? No, not at all. But you could gather some tips from …

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) The home-soil terrorism drama is damned good, but could it be made even better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 7 pm—only one more episode to go before the winter break, zombie enthusiasts.

Also new Sunday:
The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

The next Walking Dead, which you should be watching at Brewvies:

TV Tonight: The League, Rules of Engagement, Private Practice

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Thanksgiving Episode: Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman guest as Ruxin’s father and Andre’s sister, respectively—who will spit out the most inappropriate, horrible things in 30 minutes or less? You’d be surprised … unless you said Silverman, then not at all.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) Speaking of 30 Minutes or Less, did you see that movie? Like the rest of ‘Merica, probably not. Allow me to do you a solid and recommend the DVD when it’s released in a couple of weeks: Rules of Engagement costar Bianca Kajlich plays a very nasty, very naked stripper grinding all up on Danny McBride (aka Kenny Fucking Powers of Eastbound & Down). You’re welcome. Oh, tonight’s Rules episode? A few misunderstandings and dick jokes, the usual.

Private Practice (ABC) Two-Hour Episode: Says here, “The doctors stage an intervention for Amelia after she returns from a 12-day drug binge with her boyfriend, Amelia bonds with an 18-year-old woman as they endure painful drug detox in rehab, and Addison collapses after rigorous fertility treatments.” Jesus, no wonder they needed two hours.

Also new tonight: 
The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

It’s Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman on The League! 

TV Tonight: Happy Endings, Criminal Minds, South Park

What’s new tonight:
Happy Endings (ABC) Max’s high-school girlfriend drops in on the gang—awkward, since, you know, he’s all gay now. Meanwhile, Jane discovers that Brad has a “work wife” and sets out to land her own “office husband.” And these are just two of what’s sure to be a dozen hilarious situations tonight!

Criminal Minds (CBS) Garcia asks the BAU team for help when a mother in her survivors support group goes missing on the anniversary of her daughter’s kidnapping—weird. Even weirder, computer jockey Garcia’s going out into the field! She always gets shot when she does that!

South Park (Comedy Central) Season Finale: It’s the Season 15 finale, so it’s time for another bummer cliffhanger: When his parents are jailed (what took so long?), Kenny and his siblings are forced into foster care—which can only be a step up, right? Not if Cartman’s plan to keep Kenny down and broke are successful, and Cartman does have an oddly high success rate.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central) Season Finale: Nick welcomes fellow comics Duncan Trussell (The Lavender Hour!) and Owen Benjamin (no idea!) to talk about sketches that somehow didn’t make it onto the show, and then there’s something about drunk girls in a fast-food joint—it’s all sure to be funny as hell, trust me, as I’m one of there several hundred people who watch Pretend Time, like, every week.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America's Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); The Real World (MTV); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Extreme Couponing (TLC); Psych (USA); American Horror Story (FX)

They just wanna legalize meth on Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, y’all!

TV Tonight: New Girl, Body of Proof, Tosh.0, SOA

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TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Hart of Dixie, The Headhuntress

What's new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Jonathan’s girlfriend from college (Happy Endings’ Casey Wilson) hires him and, for some reason, George and Ray, to protect her family’s wedding jewels—hence, high comedy in black turtlenecks and wool caps. In other this-can’t-end-well developments, heartbroken Ray moves in with George. Related: Why the hell did Saturday Night Live ever fire Casey Wilson, anyway?

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Every week, I think “No, Hart of Dixie couldn’t possibly get any more stoopid”; every week, it proves me wrong. Tonight, NASCAR driver Brian Vickers guests just to withdraw his entry from the town’s annual turtle race … WT fuck? Meanwhile, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) catches the eye of a veterinarian and humpin’, er, love might be in the air.

The Headhuntress (Bravo) Special: Career coach Wendy Doulton teaches you how to find a job—even though, if you’re watching Bravo, chances are you really want nothing to do with employment, reality or leaving the couch.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, 20/20 (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

Just another Monday for Bored to Death: 

TV Weekend: Metal Evolution, SNL, Rage of the Yeti, Homeland

What’s new this weekend:
Metal Evolution, Behind the Music Remastered: Megadeth, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic, tonight) 11/11/11 Metal Day Specials: Read all about ‘em at CityWeekly.net.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!); The Heart, She Holler (Adult swim)

Rage of the Yeti (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Arctic monsters (not a band) terrorize people dumb enough to be arctic explorers (including Baywatch’s David Chokachi). As you can see by the photo above, looks awesome!

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Just like last week: Great host (Emma Stone) and shitty band (Coldplay).

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); We Have Your Husband (Lifetime); T.J. Miller: No Real Reason (Comedy Central); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) Maybe-a-terrorist Brody (Damian Lewis) and definitely-crazy Carrie (Claire Danes) take their unlikely affair to the next loony level by spending the weekend sexing it up in the countryside. Meanwhile, back home, everybody finds out that wife Jessica (Morena Baccarin) has been getting it on with Brody’s pal Mike (Diego Klattenoff); shit, meet fan. Reminder: This is a show about international terrorism and homeland security.

The Walking Dead (AMC) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm; zombies are better with a beer.

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

Bonus: Last week’s credits and a promo for this Sunday’s Homeland: 

TV Tonight: Whitney, Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny

What’s new tonight:
Whitney (NBC) What wacky She Said/He Said misunderstanding will befall Whitney tonight? Get this: Whitney (Whitney Cummings) discovers that Alex (Chris D’Elia) actually had hobbies and got out of the apartment and did stuff before he hooked up with her, so she insists they play raquetball together—boooiiinnng! Ball jokes ahoy! And then the gang does some other funny shit and the studio audience laughs. It’s a real studio audience, yo!

The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW) Fall Finales: They’re both outta here until January … that’s all I got. Need more, girls? OK … uh … Vampires! Werewolves! Forbidden love! Er … Twilight? And we’re done here.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Says here, “The gang’s plan to extract an artifact is jeopardized when the owners turn out to be home.” This can’t end well, now can it?

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Can’t go wrong with a Thai-food-burning-yr-asshole gag, eh Whitney?

TV Tonight: ANTM, CMA Awards, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) The girls head to Greece—and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s an underwear shoot. Will Christ-y Shannon refuse to strip down again, just like she did waaay back in Season (sorry, Cycle) 1? As you can see by the photo above, she prefers to keep it modest. Forecast: Dra-ma.

The 45th Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) You won’t be seeing any of your favorite ABC shows tonight, because the network is devoting three fucking hours to already-overplayed country-music acts, hosted by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. But, if you really need your Modern Family fix, you can see Cam (Eric Stonestreet) on …

American Horror Story (FX) The story of Tate is finally told, and it’s predictably bloody and crazy. Meanwhile, Ben treats a new patient (Stonestreet) who’s afraid of being murdered by a fictional (?) pig-man, which bears no relation to South Park’s ManBearPig. Does it go well? Does anything ever go well on this show?

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Psych (USA)

America’s Next Top Model strips down in Greece tonight …

TV Tonight: Glee, 90210, Parenthood

What’s new tonight:
Glee (Fox) Sure, I gave up on Glee looong ago—but they’ve pissed off the Parents Television Council this week, so I’m back for the moment. How’d they do it? Everybody’s losing their virginity tonight! How dare Fox have 30-year-old actors portraying teenagers having sex?! Not only are Rachel and Finn popping their cherries together, but so are Blaine and Kurt—and they’re both boys! No wonder the PTC is shitting themselves! Let’s not forget the real victim here: McKinley High is murdering West Side Story tonight, as well.

90210 (The CW) The gang vacates the 90210 and heads to Las Vegas, where they meet celebrities, get invited to play in poker tournaments and marry each other—you know, like you do in Vegas. Somewhere in here, there’s also a “country music superstar” named … Judd Ridge.

Parenthood (NBC) Sarah’s failed-rock-star ex (failed-rock-star-go-to-guy John Corbett) crashes at the apartment after getting out of rehab, and daughter Amber finally realizes what a dick he is—you know, as most sober people are. In far more important developments, tonight’s Parenthood is quite boob-tacular (see promo video below). Tits ahoy!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Covert Affairs (USA); The Heart She Holler (Adult Swim)

Parenthood is bustin’ out all over the place tonight …

TV Tonight: Death Valley, Terra Nova, Two & a Half Men

What’s new tonight:
Death Valley (MTV) The Walking Dead gets all the hype—where’s the love for MTV’s Death Valley? This Shaun of the Dead/Reno 911 mashup has gotten funnier (and gorier) every week since it debuted way back in August, dispatching not only zombies, but vampires and other supernatural felons at a far more rapid rate than Deputy Rick has managed over on AMC. But, since it resides in the dead (heh) of Monday night on MTV, Death Valley will likely go the way of last year’s Warren the Ape: A well-done, one-season-and-done series written off as just another MTV scripted experiment. Catch it while you can.

Terra Nova (Fox) Yes, it’s still on. Tonight, something actually happens: An asteroid hits! And … that’s about it. A billion-ish dollars well-spent, Fox.

Two & a Half Men (CBS) Walden (Ashton Kutcher) finally gets around to redecorating the former Charlie Harper/Sheen’s house, which makes Alan (Jon Cryer) misty for the old days—the perfect opportunity for Alan to bust out his Charlie impersonation and drag a little more mileage out of this sitcom “scandal.” Who said Two & a Half Men was out of ideas? Besides Charlie Sheen?

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

This is what you’re missing on MTV’s Death Valley: 

New Spartacus: Vengeance Trailer

Starz has released the first full-length trailer for the upcoming 2012 season of Spartacus AND renewed the series for an additional season before the this one even premieres. They must really like Liam McIntyre, the show's title-ringer replacement for the late Andy Whitfield, or they just want something that'll bring back some viewers (may or may not be looking your way, Boss).

Spartacus: Vengeance premieres Friday, January 27; here's the trailer (Lucy Lawless survived, eh?):

TV Weekend: Fringe, SNL, Hell on Wheels, Heart She Holler

What’s new this weekend:
Fringe (Fox, tonight) Not only is Fringe finally back after way too many baseball interruptions, but The Artist Formerly Known as Peter (Joshua Jackson) returns, too! Unfortunately, so do those translucent shapeshifters, fringe science’s answer to hairless cats (blech). Fringe is still the only real sci-fi show on the network TV, and possibly the smartest ever created—so let’s see how far the ratings will drop this week.



Grimm (NBC, tonight) Week 2: It premiered well last Friday (even against the World Series), but now Law & Order: Special Grimm Unit faces the aforementioned Fringe, as well as The CW’s Supernatural. This week’s secret weapon? Thievin’ bears. Yes, really.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) The good news: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’s Charlie Day hosts SNL! The bad news: The musical guests are limp-dick AOR “rockers” Maroon 5. Can’t have everything.



Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Blue Mountain State (Spike); True Life: I’m Occupying Wall Street (MTV); Pablo Francisco: They Put it Out There (Comedy Central); Wendy Lieberman: Taller on TV (Showtime)

Dexter (Showtime, Sunday) Will Brother Sam (Mos Def, or whatever he’s calling himself this week) survive being gunned down at the end of last Sunday’s ep? Yeah, probably—the only real question here is, how swift will Dexter’s (Michael C. Hall) vengeance be? And should he really be taking on new pals? We’ve seen before what happens when Dex makes friends, and it never ends well. Oh, and there’s some Deb/Quinn drama … what-ever.



The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm; zombies are better 10-feet-tall in HD with a beer and nachos.

Hell on Wheels (AMC, Sunday) Series Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Heart, She Holler (Adult Swim, Sunday) Miniseries Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Homeland (Showtime); Talking Dead (AMC)

TV Tonight: Parks & Rec, Late Night, Bones, Burn Notice

What’s new tonight:
Parks & Recreation (NBC) A nutjob Pawnee religious group says it’s The End of the World, so of course the Parks & Rec gang takes them seriously—hey, it’s Indiana. Reactions: April helps Andy with his bucket list, Tom throws a big-ass party (by Entertainment 720, natch), and Ron most likely holes up in a bunker to ride it out and come out the other side as The Omega Man (Wiki it, kids). I’d so watch that show.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (NBC) Tonight, Jimmy welcomes actress Kirsten Dunst, Talking Dead host Chris Hardwick and musical guests Air Supply. Note: The drummer of my so-called band, Spork, is also employed as the touring drummer for Air Supply—due to a suspicious illness that has befallen Late Night house band The Roots’ skinsman Questlove (comb infection?), CJ Spork (a.k.a. CJ Burton) will be backing Air Supply tonight on the TV box. If he doesn’t pass Dunst a Spork CD, he’s totally out of the band.

Bones (Fox) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Burn Notice (USA) Fall Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 3).

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

The End is nigh on Parks & Recreation … again …

TV Tonight: Top Chef Texas, Up All Night, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) Season Premiere: Host Padma Lakshmi in Daisy Dukes eating BBQ ribs? Sold. There’s probably more to the latest edition of the Top Chef competition, set in “Texas” as a whole, not any one Lone Star State city, but the promos don’t really spell it out. Tonight’s season premiere kicks off in Austin, the most un-Texas town in the land; after that, redneckery galore!

Up All Night (NBC) Tonight, we meet Reagan’s (Christina Applegate) estranged parents, who happen to be Blythe Danner and Richard Schiff, and they’re uncomfortably affectionate—an odd combo with “estranged,” hence, comedy.

American Horror Story (FX) Halloween Pt. 2: FX’s highest-rated show, like, ever, is also just fucking stressful: How many horrible things can happen in one Halloween night? You’ll find out in the second half, as well as (finally) a little more backstory on creepy Tate and the real reason that Zachary Quinto came out of the closet right before his guest arc on the show (he plays a bitchy-gay ghost waaay too convincingly).

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Steve Jobs: One Last Thing (PBS); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Work of Art (Bravo); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery)

This isn’t even half of the shit going down on American Horror Story tonight:

TV Tonight: Covert Affairs, New Girl, Ringer

What’s new tonight:
Covert Affairs (USA) Fall Premiere: When last we left CIA Annie (Piper Perabo), her sister (Anne Dudek) had finally figured out Annie’s secret job and kicked her ass out of the guest house—way to be a patriot, sis. Now, Annie’s looking for a new apartment and infiltrating a Basque separatist group that’s looking to blow shit up. Conveniently, her contact within the group is a hunky Spanish dude (cue “sexy time” music).

New Girl (Fox) Return: Fox’s biggest new fall hit is back after being forced off for a month due to baseball—think everybody still remembers and just loooves quirky Zooey Deschanel? Tonight, she laughs at her naked roommate, causing wackiness to ensue, and the New Black Guy brushes up all the pop culture he missed while in “Europe” (thus, more wackiness). Also, Childrens Hospital’s Lake Bell drops by—quirky/hot overload!

Ringer (The CW) Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar), as Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar), reveals that she has a twin sister, Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Follow? And her BFF Gemma (not Sarah Michelle Gellar) is still missing and presumed dead. It’ll all make sense … eventually?

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. Fox Corp. and DirecTV have made nice, so the satellite plug won’t be pulled tonight and we won’t have to initiate Secret Plan B for the viewing. It was a solid plan, which may or may not have involved acting out SOA scenes with puppets.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); True Life, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Looks like it’s “sexy time” on Covert Affairs …

TV Tonight: HIMYM, Ghost Hunters, Bad Girls Club, Rock Center

What’s new tonight:
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) Halloween Episode: Katie Holmes guests as the legen … wait for it … dary “Slutty Pumpkin” that Ted’s been whining about losing for six seasons now. Equally mind-blowing, Barney learns that he’s part … Canadian! They’re dragging out all the scary shit tonight, eh.

Ghost Hunters Live (Syfy) Six-Hour Special: Wait, did you hear that? It’s 360 minutes of not finding a fucking thing—and getting paid for it! Well played, spook scammers.

The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen) Season Finale: The seventh BGC season in New Orleans has been somewhat of a disappointment, with no real breakout “stars” or new twists on the usual Crazy Drunk Bitches = Fistfight formula. If there’s going to be a Season 8, Oxygen should include a fully-stocked gun case along with the fully-stocked bar in the next mansion. I can’t be the first to think of introducing firearms, can I?

Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC) Series Debut: Now that the nightmare of The Playboy Club (and, locally, We Are Utah) is over, here’s NBC Nightly News’ Brian Williams with … more news? Lifestyle features? Handsome tips? Given the name of the show, a re-imagining of Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert? (Google—sorry—Bing it, kids.) Not really sure what Rock Center is supposed to be, other than yet another primetime newsmagazine whose only distinctions are Williams, his Ocean’s Eleven lineup of correspondents (including Harry Smith, Kate Snow, Ted Koppel, Meredith Vieira, Richard Engel, Dr. Nancy Snyderman, Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales and Ann Curry) and a Halloween-night debut (which would have been a better slot for Grimm, but NBC knows what they’re doing … right?).

Also new tonight:
Scared Shrekless, Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

Katie Holmes’ pumpkin doesn’t look all that slutty on HIMYM …

TV Weekend: Grimm, Zombie Apocalypse, Allen Gregory

What’s new this weekend:
Chuck, Grimm (NBC, tonight) Season Premiere/Series Debut: Read all about ‘em at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Also new tonight:
Some Baseball Shit (Fox); Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Zombie Apocalypse (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 3).

Also new Saturday:
Cops, America’s Most Wanted (Fox); Possessing Piper Rose (Lifetime); The Good Witch’s Family (Hallmark); Dogs 101, Puppies vs. Babies (Animal Planet)

Allen Gregory (Fox, Sunday) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm, after some Geek Show Halloween madness.

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime); Talking Dead (AMC)

Still looking for that damned kid on The Walking Dead this Sunday …

TV Tonight: Project Runway, Community, Beavis & Butt-head

What’s new tonight:
Project Runway (Lifetime) Season Finale: The Final 3 show their goods at Fashion Week (sorry, Mercedes Benz Fashion Week, sheesh), then Heidi Klum and her underlings choose a winner (even if Josh doesn’t win, he’ll get his own spin-off bullying and dressing the hillbillies of Middle America—mark my words). Afterwards, Lifetime premieres Project Accessory, which I’m guessing is some sort of crime show. Yeah, I do watch too much Law & Order …

Community (NBC) After Britta makes the gang take personality tests, she becomes convinced that one of them is a total psychopath … only one? Really? Somehow, this all spins into everyone telling Halloween horror stories and, fingers crossed, a special appearance by Annie’s Boobs (the monkey, you pervs).

Beavis & Butt-head (MTV) Series Return: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime); Good Vibes (MTV)

No sign of Annie’s Boobs on tonight's Community … well …

TV Tonight: South Park, Psych, Top Chef: Just Desserts

What’s new tonight:
South Park (Comedy Central) Much—exactly, really—as he became obsessed with the Food Network last season, Randy sees a musical in the big city (well, Denver) and goes completely Broadway batshit. Think there’ll be a dozen or so inside references to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Book of Mormon musical? Of course not …

Psych (USA) Just in time for Halloween, there’s a suspiciously vampire-like murder in Santa Barbara—and clues point to Lassiter’s mysterious new girlfriend, who just happens to be played by the O.G. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Kristy Swanson. But, really, you’re here for Shawn and Gus in totally ree-dic vampire costumes.

Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo) Season Finale: The final three pastry … cheftestants … fuck that term … compete down to the wire for the $100,000 and the Food & Wine mag swag. It’s all about Orlando! I mean, I don’t have any bets placed or anything.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific (CBS); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); American Horror Story (FX)

South Park goes Broadway tonight and … Wicked?

Broadway Bro Down
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PARKRandy Marsh,Sharon Marsh,more...

TV Tonight: Flip Men, Rachel Zoe Project, Zombies

What’s new tonight:
Flip Men (Spike) Series Debut: Filling (spackling?) the Salt Lake City-based TV series void left by Big Love, Doug Clark and Mike Baird are the Flip Men, entrepreneurs who buy foreclosed houses that could require a little clean-up for resale, or contain “a biohazard, a meth lab or a squatter who just doesn’t want to leave” (bet on one of those; this is Spike, not HGTV). Flip Men also bridges the reality-TV gap between the 385 home-improvement shows and the 429 blue-collar-underbelly shows currently clogging cable and, along with the new Auction Hunters that precedes it, makes the case that maybe Spike wants out of the dude-tube business and would rather be A&E. So, why does there always have to be a skinny one and a bald fat one on these shows?

The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo) Season Finale: It’s Rachel’s first day back at work—but she can’t leave baby Skyler at home! Solution: Bring the show, er, baby, along to a photo shoot. Will Rachel and Rodger (with a “d,” natch) find a way to balance company and family? Only if there’s a fifth season next year—otherwise, that brat’s going on eBay.

Zombies: A Living History (History) Special: A look at the facts (yes, there are some) behind zombies, not just a cheap way for the former History Channel to cash in. Not at all. The legends of Gilgamesh, Vikings, primitive Haiti, the Bible and more are all here, doubters!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. After this week, DirecTV (Brewvies’ satellite provider) may drop FX and all other Fox channels over yet another money dispute; don’t know there’ll be an SOA showing next Tuesday. Read showrunner Kurt Sutter’s love letter to DirecTV here.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Auction Hunters (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Preview: Enjoy Sons of Anarchy while you can, DirecTVers ...