TV Tonight: Glee, 90210, Parenthood

What’s new tonight:
Glee (Fox) Sure, I gave up on Glee looong ago—but they’ve pissed off the Parents Television Council this week, so I’m back for the moment. How’d they do it? Everybody’s losing their virginity tonight! How dare Fox have 30-year-old actors portraying teenagers having sex?! Not only are Rachel and Finn popping their cherries together, but so are Blaine and Kurt—and they’re both boys! No wonder the PTC is shitting themselves! Let’s not forget the real victim here: McKinley High is murdering West Side Story tonight, as well.

90210 (The CW) The gang vacates the 90210 and heads to Las Vegas, where they meet celebrities, get invited to play in poker tournaments and marry each other—you know, like you do in Vegas. Somewhere in here, there’s also a “country music superstar” named … Judd Ridge.

Parenthood (NBC) Sarah’s failed-rock-star ex (failed-rock-star-go-to-guy John Corbett) crashes at the apartment after getting out of rehab, and daughter Amber finally realizes what a dick he is—you know, as most sober people are. In far more important developments, tonight’s Parenthood is quite boob-tacular (see promo video below). Tits ahoy!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Covert Affairs (USA); The Heart She Holler (Adult Swim)

Parenthood is bustin’ out all over the place tonight …

TV Tonight: Man Up!, Parenthood, Scream Awards

What’s new tonight:
Man Up! (ABC) Series Debut: It’s not as bad as its lead-in, Tim Allen’s gawdawful Last Man Standing, but Man Up! is still shit—so it’ll easily hold onto the same audience of morons who made LMS a hit debut last week. But, if you really want to see the definitive comedy about male bonding in the modern world, watch FX’s far-superior The League on Thursdays and skip this waste of Teri Polo, Dan Fogler and a perfectly good exclamation point.

Parenthood (NBC) T-Rex Arms Alert: Cee Lo Green drops in because … uh … NBC owns him now, thanks to The Voice? Or is it related to Adam and Crosby’s new recording studio? Let’s go with that. Meanwhile, something happens to someone else in Parenthood that’ll make you cry. Guaranteed.

2011 Scream Awards (Spike) The best sci-fi/horror/fantasy awards show on basic cable brings out the stars, like Robert Downey Jr., Anne Hathaway, Nicholas Cage, Pee-Wee Herman, Darth Vader, Harry Potter and more! Some even real!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm. It probably won’t be as crowded as The Walking Dead was on Sunday, just guessing.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

This is what you’re In! for with Man Up! 

TV Tonight: Ringer, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Ringer (The CW) Series Debut: The first new show of the season! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) returns to TV as a stripper/junkie on the lam from a Wyoming(?) crime lord—wait, there’s more! When her estranged New York socialite twin sister (oh, the awkward split-screen acting) disappears after an apparent suicide, she assumes her identity and soon learns that city sis has been living in a 1980s General Hospital subplot of lies, affairs and uptight British husbands (Ioan Gruffudd). But! Is stripper sister actually being set up by socialite sister to take the fall for something even more sinister? And enough with all the mirrors—we get it. Double-life intrigue didn’t work out for last year’s spectacularly failed Lone Star, but Ringer has a certain trashy/soapy appeal that will probably carry it beyond two episodes, even though Gellar is 10 years past The CW’s demographic (and 15 past ABC Family’s, where this show really belongs).

Parenthood (NBC) Season Premiere: The first old show of the season! Now that Adam (Peter Krause) is out of a job, he considers going into the ever-so-lucrative recording studio business with Crosby (Dax Shepard). Even more unbelievable, Sarah (Lauren Graham) freaks out over turning … 40. Not to be a dick, but that is a hard 40. Meanwhile, the rest of the adults do something angsty and the kids do something adorable. Welcome to Season 3!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Clay cuts a questionable deal with the Mayans! Gemma worries that Jax may find out more about SAMCRO’s questionable past! You make the not-in-the-least questionable choice to come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 pm and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen with a bigger beer! Everybody wins.

Also new tonight:
90210 (The CW); America’s Got Talent, It’s Worth What? (NBC); Wipeout (ABC); Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); What Not to Wear, Big Sexy (TLC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Get those hankies out—Parenthood is back tonight.