Friday, August 19, 2011

TV Weekend: Megashark vs. Crocosaurus

What's new this weekend:

Megashark vs. Crocosaurus (Syfy, Saturday) Seriously, what else do you need this weekend? It's got a Megashark, a Crocosaurus and ... Erkel!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

TV Tonight: Ton of Cash, Love In the Wild, Ghost Hunters Int’l

What’s new tonight:
Ton of Cash (VH1) Series Debut: 14 contestants haul a literal ton of cash from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, and somehow one of ‘em wins said ton of cash—did I mention that the show is called Ton of Cash? Or that there’s a Salt Laker (Amie Rose) in the mix? Still, there’s some comfort in knowing that this isn’t the dumbest fucking idea ever for a reality-competition show. That would be …

Love In the Wild (NBC) Season/Series Finale: Who’s gonna find love on the finale of Jungle Humpin’? Myself and 90 percent of America couldn’t care less, ratings say.

Ghost Hunters International (Syfy) Season Finale: In other Shit That Don’t Exist news, the Hunters travel to New Zealand to not find ghosts at an old prison in the ever-so-thrilling season finale tonight. Don’t worry: The original Ghost Hunters will be back in a week or so to not find ghosts right here in ‘Merica.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (CBS); So You Think You Can Dance (Fox); Minute to Win It, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Hot in Cleveland, Happily Divorced (TV Land); Legend Quest (Syfy); Royal Pains, Necessary Roughness (USA); Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (TLC); Rescue Me (FX)

This is how you haul a Ton of Cash. Clothes optional.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

TV Tonight: What Not to Wear, MasterChef, Memphis Beat, Hawthorne

What's new tonight:
What Not to Wear (TLC) Season Premiere: Despite faint reservations that she might actually be a dude, The Only TV Column That Matters™ considers What Not to Wear co-host Stacy London to be kinda hot. So when news of “changes” to the show for its ninth season (which makes it the longest-running series on the devolving hot mess that is the former Learning Channel) made the rounds, I feared the worst. Fortunately, the network isn’t replacing her and Clinton Kelly with castoffs from Trailer Parks & Tiaras or some other TLC tentpole; there’s just a new studio and 360 mirror. Keep on tucking, Stacy!

MasterChef (Fox) Season Finale: One of Gordon Ramsay’s 18 summer shows comes to an end tonight when MasterChef crowns the next great fry-cook you’ll never hear from again ... you donkey!!!

Memphis Beat, Hawthorne (TNT) Season Finales: Also finale-ing for the season tonight are Memphis Beat, that cop show with My Name Is Earl, and Hawthorne, that hospital show with My Name Is Mrs. Will Smith. Somebody watches these ... right?

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Hulu categorizes MasterChef as "Food & Leisure." What's "leisurely" about this?

Monday, August 15, 2011

TV Tonight: The Lying Game, Millionaire Matchmaker, Teen Wolf

What’s new tonight:
The Lying Game (ABC Family) Series Debut: No, you haven’t seen it before—totally different than Switched at Birth or Pretty Little Liars. Read all about it in True TV at (Item 4).

Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) Season 5 Premiere: That’s right, Season 5. Lovebroker/horrible wildebeest Patti Stanger is, says here, “Newly single and ready to mingle.” No, I didn’t just throw up a little in my mouth … I threw up everything I’ve eaten in the last two weeks all over the place. Blech …

Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo) Series Debut: Because Bravo can’t make a shit sandwich without an extra layer of shit, the net introduces a bunch of Dallas socialites looking for love in all the wrong holes, er, places. If you’ve ever wondered, “What would The Hills be like if they gave it a second lobotomy and moved it to Texas,” here ya go.

Teen Wolf (MTV) Season Finale: Yes, it’ll be back next year—something has to fill the void left by the cancellation of The Hard Times of R.J. Berger, right? Tonight, Scotty the Lacrosse Wolf is caught in an epic struggle between werewolves and werewolf hunters, setting up a cliffhanger that will leave fans breathless. This could be avoided if they weren’t such mouthbreathers.

Also new tonight:
The Bachelor Pad (ABC); Hell’s Kitchen, MasterChef (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); Weeds, The Big C (Showtime)

Preview: Teen Wolf goes out with a … something …

Bored to Death: New Season 3 Trailer

So long, Sundays: Season 3 of HBO's Bored to Death premieres Monday, Oct. 10, leading into new series Enlightened. Moving the comedy to Mondays with no established lead-in (or lead-out) seems like a risky move; Big Love tried it once, and it worked out as well as a stroll in the neighborhood for Bill Henrickson. Still, this new trailer makes a convincing case following Jason Schwartzman, Zack Galifianakis and Ted Danson to a new night--put that white wine on ice now ...