Friday, April 27, 2007

The Return of Dolphin Girl!

Not that they bothered to officially announce it, but NBC has at least noted on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip’s website that the show will finally be returning to the air on Thursday, May 24—the day after May Sweeps are over, coincidentally. How long it lasts there against CBS’ hit Shark and other networks’ fare is anyone’s guess; the famously flopped Aaron Sorkin series’ burn-off could be dealt further indignity with a Saturday or even online death sentence, which would actually be better than Saturday. NBC is still overlooking my brilliant idea to merge semi-hit 30 Rock with Studio 60 to make one mega-tribute to Saturday Night Live. Tiny Fey against Sarah Paulson? Tina wins. Tracy Morgan vs. D.L. Hughley? Tracy wins. Alec Baldwin taking on Steven Weber? Puh-leez. But, no one on 30 Rock can brood like Matthew Perry. Balances out.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Duff Enough

Tonight’s one-hour season finale of Ace of Cakes (Food Network) delivered two impossible creations: A dead-on replica of a Royal typewriter (see, kids, back in the dark ages … never mind) and a football monstrosity roughly the size of a Mini Cooper that Duff and the Charm City Cakes crew drove from Baltimore to Miami for the Super Bowl. Whether these cakes are actually edible is beside the point—they’re engineering and artistic marvels; if you can eat ‘em, bonus. Me, I’m saving up for a cake re-creation of Jimi Hendrix burning his Strat at Monterey Pop (see, kids, Jimi Hendrix … never mind).

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

DVDs 4.24.07

Moral Orel: Season 1 Everything you need to know about Christianity, in convenient 15-minute stop-animation chunks. You can enjoy it repeatedly … in hell.

.45 Milla Jovovich, not in the future nor super-powered, just killing her abusive drug dealer boyfriend. So, it’s a romantic comedy.

Code Name: The Cleaner Cedric the Entertainer is an amnesiac super-spy (or janitor) juggling two women (Nicollette Sheridan, Lucy Liu) and a bad, bad movie.

Déjà Vu Denzel Washington sees the past to solve present crimes. How does that help? Who cares? Here comes the action!

NCIS: Season 3 Either you or your mom watches NCIS—just admit it already. As crime procedurals go, you could do worse … like Criminal Minds.

Satan’s Cannibal Holocaust With a title like that, you need more? OK, fine: Evil Catholic schoolgirls live under the streets and torture and eat coeds. There.

More New DVD Releases (4.24)
Caffeine, Ed, Edd & Eddy: Season 2, Ironside: Season 1, The Lost Tomb of Jesus, Night at the Museum, The Odd Couple: Season 1, One Day at a Time: Season 1, The Queen, Thr3e, WKRP in Cincinnati: Season 1

Pacific Blue
The Only TV Column That Matters™ is constantly having to argue the existence of a ‘90s cable series called Pacific Blue, which was essentially Baywatch on Bikes with pretty bicycle cops (including Paula Trickey, most recently Taylor Townsend’s mom on The O.C.). Nobody ever believes it, but now clips are all over YouTube and vindication is mine. Yes, it is quite a shallow existence ...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I’ve finally found not one, but two shows on MTV I can watch without wishing for the Apocalypse! Human Giant is smart (more on this another time), but Scarred is pure idiot genius: Young dudes on boards, skis, blades and other “extreme sports” conveyances getting utterly fucked up while attempting to perform ridiculous stunts—for the cameras! This is Natural Selection in action. There’s the big build-up (“I totally knew I could pull this off”), the slow-motion approach (“Something was, like, wrong”), the impact (“I could feel my ankle snap in, dude, 40 places”), the screaming like a pussy (“Aaaauuugggh! Ooowww! Bleep!”) and the poignant music followed by “I sure won’t try that again … for a while.” During this, you’re either A. Cheering these “heroes” on or B. Wondering why these boneheads spend more on clothes and hair products than protective gear. Either way, big dumb fun! Mitigating factor: Host Jacoby Shaddix, a Hot Topic casualty who somehow manages to be even more annoying introducing video clips than fronting ‘90s grunt-rock leftovers Papa Roach. Proceed with caution. Or not, even better.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Mars Redacts

Veronica Mars Tuesday 5.1 (The CW) Return: Oh, relax. This is one of the last times you’ll have to read about Veronica Mars here—ever. Inside TV-biz buzz says that our dear Veronica has already been canceled by The CW, and this Season 3 runoff will culminate in a two-hour series finale on May 22. Well, unless there’s a pressing Search for the Next Pussycat Doll reunion/chlamydia-screening special, then forget about closure. On the upside, this will free star Kristen Bell up for deservedly bigger and better things; she was too good for UPN, and definitely above a leftovers network that would cast her aside for far-less-talented hoochies and skanks (Top Models, Pussycat Dolls, One Tree Hillers, take your pick). And, since you’re not watching Veronica Mars on TV, be sure and check out the DVD sets and send me all kinds of “Hey, why did they cancel this great show?” queries later this year, OK?

30 Rock Thursday 4.26 (NBC) Season Finale: Oh, relax. This is the last time you’ll have to read about 30 Rock here—until next season! That’s right: Tina Fey’s unlikely little hit will be back in the fall, which is more than you can say for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, the other “Saturday Night Live show.” True to TV, the 30 Rock gang are heading into summer hiatus in the season finale, and wackiness ensues as Liz comes off her boyfriend high, Tracy’s still missing and Jack’s marriage to the brittle-boned British bird looms—can Dr. Spaceman help? Oh yeah.

October Road Thursday 4.26 (ABC) Series Finale: ABC had the perfect Thursday night with Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy and Men in Trees—until they pissed it all away on October Road, a maudlin 9 p.m. dramarama that might as well have “Just flip over to ER or Shark—hurry!” in the opening credits. Take heart: Men in Trees returns May 10, and October Road will fade into the television ether with …

Six Degrees Friday 4.27 ( Online Burn-Off: Or, “Cross-Media Platform Repurpose,” as they probably say in the Wide World of Web. Like NBC’s The Black Donnellys (in case you didn’t notice), Six Degrees is playing out its final episodes online instead of in primetime—which makes perfect sense, to have a star-heavy multimillion-dollar series streaming on the Internet alongside no-budget YouTube videos of geeks in bathrobes smacking each other in the nuts with plastic light sabers. Also, as with the Donnellys, ABC is making the mistake of rolling the episodes out weekly (like it’s TV) instead of making them all available at once (like it’s, oh, the Internet).

Lake Placid 2 Saturday 4.28 (Sci-Fi) I’ll admit it: I actually paid money to see the original Lake Placid in ’99—it was a different century then, and Bridget Fonda was still hot. Not that she isn’t currently hot, I assume; just haven’t seen her since Monkeybone (yeah, paid for that one, too). In this long-unawaited sequel, the babies of the giant killer crocodiles of Lake Placid (which still isn’t the actual Lake Placid, just a placid lake prone to giant killer crocodiles) are grown and out for blood, and they can only be stopped by … John Schneider and Cloris Leachman? What, they couldn’t get Bridg?

The Bad Girls Club Tuesday 5.1 (Oxygen) Season Finale: God, I love this show. Sure, it perpetuates a certain stereotype of “crazy women” who fly into jealous psycho rages and/or crying jags after a few drinks, but come on … we all know one. Some of us even have a scar or bar ejection or two. Ahem. Anyway, imagine a Reality House filled with eight of ‘em while you’re safe on the other side of the screen. Beats the hell out of ESPN 2.