Monday, April 16, 2007

Skanks Ahoy!

The Henry Rollins Show Fridays (IFC) New Season: How did The Only TV Column That Matter™ miss the season premiere of The Henry Rollins Show last week? With guests Marilyn Manson and Peaches? That’s a show! All we get in this week’s installment are Ben Stiller (zzz) and Ryan Adams (had a bath yet, Ry?). Still, for all of its rough edges (Rollins is as good an interviewer as he is a ballad crooner) and hit-and-miss couch fillers (which have ranged from Werner Herzog and Oliver Stone to … Adam Carrolla?), HRS always delivers on the musical-guest side, and Rollins’ uncensored rants are the sharpest and funniest on television. But how about some more Heidi May, Hank?

Acceptable TV Fridays (VH1) Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab created the infamously rejected Heat Vision & Jack for Fox in the ‘90s, then went underground with and now Since Heat Vision & Jack was funny, and absolutely none of the short films shown so far on Acceptable TV (either created within the show or by wannabe YouTube “stars”) have proven these guys have enough talent to even sell camcorders at Circuit City, it must have been a fluke. Or Jack Black. Just sayin.’

TV Land Awards 2007 Sunday 4.22 (TV Land) So, TV Land has been handing out awards to decades-dead shows since 2003 … are you fucking serious? Were Gilligan’s Island and Star Trek really lacking in historical cachet? Once The Brady Bunch is anointed, then what? But, the most frustrating TV Land trophy is the Future Classic Award, which has previously gone to American Dreams (forgotten five minutes after NBC canceled it), Arrested Development (maybe this is worthwhile), Desperate Housewives (just not this season) and Grey’s Anatomy (OK, never mind on the whole “worthwhile” thing). This year’s Future Classic? It’s gotta be …

Heroes Monday 4.23 (NBC) Return: After a Saturday, April 21 catch-up mini-marathon (it’s only been off for six weeks; quit asking me if it’s been canceled), Heroes finally returns so TV critics will have something to piss themselves over now that Friday Night Lights—aka American Dreams 2.0—is gone. Heroes has maintained a brisk pace in story development thus far, and this comeback episode packs in more than five Losts; the biggest WTF? moment arriving for time-traveler Hiro (no, he’s not teleported back into Scrubs). And yes, a Hero dies, at least as much as anyone really “dies” in comic-book/soap-opera world. It’s a vicious one-question-answered-three-more-posed cycle; keep the whining down or NBC will cut back on pricey programming with actual stories and give you more crap like …

The Real Wedding Crashers Monday 4.23 (NBC) Series Debut: As if Thank God You’re Here weren’t punishment enough, here’s another reality-pranker: Improv performers infiltrate actual weddings as guests and/or staff, calamity ensues—and the bride and groom are in on the gag! Aww, ain’t that cute? Who needs Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Apparently, since NBC is experiencing its lowest-rated season in history right now, even something that looks like a Bravo reject can make it on the air. Can’t wait for Celebrity Ro-Sham-Bo.

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Tuesday 4.24 (The CW) Season Finale: Smell that? It’s the sweet aroma of female empowerment. Or an un-disinfected stripper pole. Or the Next Pussycat Doll! You’ve heard the jokes: Why do they need another Pussycat who can’t sing? They already have at least five. How many skanks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three to give directions and one to call the OB/GYN. Laugh it up; one lucky girl will join the Pussycat Dolls just in time for their tour of the finest state fairs in the country—what are you doing this summer, Mark McGrath?

Highlander: Best of the Best
There can be only one? Not when it comes to Highlander DVD sets—but this 15-episode collection is tighter than Adrian Paul’s ponytail.

Mork & Mindy: Season 2 The year when Mork became a newspaper columnist, a Denver Broncos cheerleader and a priest. Aliens takin’ our jobs!

National Lampoon’s Pucked A down-and-out lawyer (Jon Bon Jovi!) buys an all-women’s hockey league with fraudulent credit cards he swiped from Tico Torres.

Not Just the Best of The Larry Sanders Show As close as you’ll ever get to owning the entire series on DVD, with 23 episodes and 8 hours of extras. No bitching, no flipping.

Smokin’ Aces The Jeremy Piven star-making vehicle that wasn’t is still a slick slice of Tarantino trash, heavy on guns, blood and naked ‘hos. Nice.

The Venture Bros: Season 2 One of the few series on Adult Swim that actually makes sense, The Venture Bros. is still plenty bizarre, and Season 2 is a must.

More New DVD Releases (April 17) Happy Days: Season 2, Last King of Scotland, Laverne & Shirley: Season 2, Murder She Wrote: Season 6, Notes on a Scandal, Spider-Man 2.1

Reh Dogg, “Why Must I Cry?”
Not only is he one of the worst rappers ever, he’s prolific! Of all of Reh Dogg’s hysterically bad no-budget videos (almost all taking place in the woods, for some reason), his “Why Must I Cry?” could bring 50 Cent to his knees.