Friday, December 09, 2011

TV Weekend: Boss, SNL, Boardwalk Empire, Bag of Bones

What’s new this weekend:
Boss (Starz, tonight) Season Finale: It’s Election Day in Chicago—will Mayor Kane (Kelsey Grammer) keep his seat? Since Boss will be back for a second season next year, yeah, probably. Onto more important matters: Will Kane’s assistant Kitty (Kathleen Robertson) keep her clothes on for another episode? This disturbing trend doesn’t bode well for the aforementioned Season 2.

Chuck (NBC, tonight) Community’s Danny Pudi (did you see last night’s amazing Christmas/Farewell ep? Hulu it!) guests as a new Buy More employee, and a reluctant Chuck has to turn to Verbanski (Carrie-Anne Moss) for help with a nasty computer virus. Good thing: The Buy More Nerd Herd would just declare his computer dead to sell him a new one—just like a certain local company specializing in PC Laptops did to me months ago. Guess what? I’m typing this on the very same “dead” laptop. It’s a miracle!

Also new tonight: 
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Grimm (NBC); Sanctuary (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Noted comedienne Katy Perry hosts, and welcomes musical guests Katy Perry’s Boobs. Or Robyn. Either works.

Snowmageddon (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Read (some) about it at and then make your own Syfy movie.

Also new Saturday: 
The 98th Republican Presidential Candidate Debate (ABC); Cops (Fox); Spike Videogame Awards 2011 (Spike); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1); Extreme Christmas Trees (TLC); Primevil, The Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

The Amazing Race (CBS, Sunday) Season Finale: As always, the white people win.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: Jimmy considers making amends with Nucky, since it seems a lot less weird now than having sex your own mother, I’m assuming. Meanwhile, Margaret considers a weighty offer from Esther Randolph, the woman who’s prosecuting Nucky. In all, looks like Nucky’s fucked—yes, I have been waiting two seasons to say that.

Stephen King’s Bag of Bones (A&E, Sunday) Miniseries Pt. 1: Pierce Brosnan returns to television (well, cable) in a miniseries about ghosts, love, etc. Also starring Melissa George, Jason Priestly and maybe even Lori from The Walking Dead as the titular bag of bones (but not really).

Also new Sunday: 
Once Upon a Time (ABC); The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT); Luck (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

Thursday, December 08, 2011

TV Tonight: The League, Community, Wipeout, Grimm

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Dushku Alert: Kevin thinks his hot Krav Maga instructor (hot Eliza Dushku) is hitting on him. So, conundrum: We’re to believe that anyone in The League is taking Krav Maga classes AND the remote possibility of Eliza Dushku hitting on them? Jenny, sure—but Kevin? Just roll with it.

Community (NBC) Last Episode Before “Hiatus”: It’s a combo Christmas episode and let’s-piss-on-Glee episode! God bless us, every one! Thanks, Community gang! See you next … Spring? Summer? Never? Damn …

Winter Wipeout: Deck the Balls (ABC) Christmas (?) Special: Meanwhile, in quality TV programming that actually gets viewers: A full hour of fat dummies getting knocked around by giant rubber dildos! For the holidays!

Grimm (NBC) New Episode, Special Night: A dozen of you might notice that is where Prime Suspect usually airs—tonight, however, it’s a bonus ep of Friday-night semi-hit Grimm, aka Law & Order: GFT (Grimm’s Fairy Tales). Check it out; it’s at least as crime-y as The Mentalist.

Also new tonight: 
America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Great Big American Auction (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (ABC); Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Weed Wars (Discovery); DUI (TLC); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Kevin gets a face/pants full of Dushku on The League tonight:

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

TV Tonight: ANTM, Modern Family, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars (The CW) Season Finale: Will the Cycle 17 winner be crazy Lisa, ghetto Angelea or weird Allison (above)? Since Lisa is too obvious and Angelea is too terrible (seriously, how did she get this far?), let’s go with Allison. Keep in mind, I haven’t correctly picked a winner since Cycle 1—don’t bet on my choice, compulsive gamblers.

Modern Family (ABC) Christmas Episode: In order to expedite the holidays, everyone is assigned tasks: Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree; Gloria does the ornaments; Jay and Cameron wrap presents; Phil, Claire and Manny … seem to be missing from the chore list. Am I the only one thinking sexy road trip with Manny running the camera? Yeah, probably.

American Horror Story (FX) Not Even Close to a Christmas Episode—It’s Titled “Smoldering Children”: Violet (and we) finally learn the house’s ghost rules, so everything is going to make complete sense now. Also, a little more backstory on Larry’s burnt face, and Constance is hauled in by the cops for questioning. All I want to know is, will Mena Suvari (mrrrow) be sticking around as the Black Dahlia? And where exactly are these “smoldering children,” anyway?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Psych (USA); The Soup (E!)

So WT Fuck is going on in this America’s Next Top Model finale promo? And why is ANTM still not in HD?

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

TV Tonight: Sons of Anarchy, Covert Affairs, New Girl, Moonshiners

What’s new tonight:
Sons of Anarchy (FX) Season Finale: It’s all going down tonight! Jax has to finish the gun deal with the Irish, keep Opie from trying to kill Clay again, keep himself from killing Clay, get Tara and the kids outta Charming, find Bobby and Juice, keep himself from killing Clay, etc.—a whole lotta drama to squeeze into an hour. Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 and watch all said drama unfold on the big screen with a big beer or five. Beginning Tuesday, Jan. 17, True TV, City Weekly and Brewvies will present the next great FX drama, Justified, every Tuesday night—free, of course.

Covert Affairs (USA) Season Finale: Annie (the spy) and Danielle (the sister) take a nice vacation in Sweden—until Danielle is mistaken for a spy (?). Much running and frantic just-get-a-room-already phone calls to Auggie ensue.

New Girl (Fox) Jess asks her dude roommates for some advice for getting it on with her new “boyfriend” Paul (guest star Justin Long). In the real world, this advice would be filthy as hell and involve sex acts that would make even porn stars wince. In New Girl world, it’s just quirky and adorable (I am not using the word “adorkable” ever again).

Moonshiners (Discovery) Series Debut: Yes, even the cable channels once dedicated to science and academia are filling up with reality shows about rednecks doin’ redneck shit—as you may have guessed, Moonshiners is all about illegal hooch-makers runnin’ afoul of the law. Up next, stay tuned for Critter-Guttin’ and Incest Is Best.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); A Michael Buble Christmas, The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Haven: Holiday Specials (Syfy); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)

Looks to be another happily-ever-after ending for Sons of Anarchy tonight …

Monday, December 05, 2011

TV Tonight: 2 Broke Girls, Charlie Brown Xmas, Mortified Sessions

 What’s new tonight:
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Caroline and Max scramble to find Chestnut (you know, the horse in the yard) a job so he’ll have somewhere warm to stay—did winter just hit New York? And how are they going to work a vagina joke into this? Meanwhile, Peach (you know, the uptown trophy mom Max babysits for) auditions for The Real Housewives of TriBeCa. Somehow, this is a Christmas episode … vagina.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (ABC) The 1965 holiday staple, now in HD! Because if there’s anything that needs high-def treatment, it’s a crudely-drawn cartoon that also looked terrible 46 years ago. Oh yeah, I ruined Christmas.

The Mortified Sessions (Sundance) Series Debut: From the stage and the page, it’s The Shoebox Sessions remade for basic cable, with host David Nadelberg digging up the past of celebrities for maximum discomfort and enlightenment. In the premiere, those celebs are Ed Helms (The Office) and Mo’Nique (Precious, the entire ‘90s UPN schedule).

Also new tonight:
You Deserve It, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); American Country Awards (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness (MTV); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Neverland (Syfy); Scouted (E!); Enlightened (HBO)

Lucy and Ethyl, er, Laverne and Shirley, uh, Max and Caroline have horse problems on 2 Broke Girls tonight: