Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Celebrity Skin

The Office, 30 Rock Thursday 4.5 (NBC) Super-Sized Episodes: You say The Only TV Column that Matters™ writes too much about The Office and 30 Rock? Ahem … don’t you know who I am? I’m Utah’s Best Newspaper Columnist! Back off! Anyway, on tonight’s new 42-minute Office, Daryl tries to get a raise from Michael and Roy begins his reign of terror on Jim—thanks, Empowered Pam. On the 39-minute return episode of 30 Rock, Arrested Development’s Will Arnett guests as a west coast NBC exec who’s after Alec Baldwin’s job. Hysterical over-overacting ensues; television may not be able to contain this—not even high-def.

Punk’d Saturday 4.7 (MTV) Series Finale Marathon: For the first time ever, a network is rolling out an entire season of show in one day—and then MTV plans on running the same Punk’d episodes weekly on Tuesday nights. Genius or insanity? Since MTV’s target audience is generally even dumber than MTV’s reality “stars” (don’t worry, they’re not reading … anything), let’s go with genius. And yes, this really is the final season of Punk’d; Ashton Kutcher told me so … wait a minute …

The Sopranos, Entourage Sunday 4.7 (HBO) Season Premieres: A day in jail or a weekend in the countryside—where do you think Tony would get jumped by a sweaty goombah? A fat-guy fight and a special birthday “gift” from Carmella aside, the first episode of The Sopranos’ final stretch is fairly domestic and introspective for Tony, who’s not quite feeling his old self and seems to be sensing the end of the line (in, say, eight more episodes?). If you want laughs, you’ll have to wait till next week, when we finally get to see some of Christopher’s “Saw meets Godfather II” film production, wherein Daniel Baldwin (!) takes the fired Ben Kingsley “to fuckin’ actin’ school.” On that note: Vince has a new agent on Entourage: Carla Gugino, so you know he’s going to nail her. Ari, meanwhile, is struggling with post-partum “feelings” (!!) after being canned by Vince—now that’s comedy.

The King of Queens Monday 4.8 (CBS) Season Premiere: Doug becomes a vegan, Carrie remains a bitch … so, final season, huh? Yeah, that’s a shame …

Thank God You’re Here Monday 4.8 (NBC) Series Debut: Fabulous celebrities (well, Joel McHale of The Soup, Newman from Seinfeld and some other C-listers) are thrust blindly into improv-comedy situations in front of a live audience—apparently, it was either this or picking up trash along the highway. The shells of David Allen Grier and Dave Foley’s former selves host.

Friday Night Lights, ‘Til Death Wednesday 4.11 (NBC, Fox) Season Finales: One of the most critically exalted new shows of the season and one of the most reviled, both ending on the same night—guess which I’ve actually seen more than one episode of? Good call. There’s a certain nobility in the way ‘Til Death seems determined to drag this dead horse of a sitcom premise (essentially Married With Children minus the deep intellectual subtext and hot teen daughter) across the finish line into the great Fox Comedy Graveyard. Not that it’ll be missed; just sayin.’ As for Friday Night Lights … look, I don’t even consider college ball a real sport—are you seriously asking me to care about high-school football? I’d rather watch improv, fergawdsakes.

Entourage: Season 3 Pt. 1
Vince hits big with Aquaman and nails more hot women—but Ari and Drama still rule. Highlights: James Woods and Seth Green as James Woods and Seth Green. (

The Good Shepard Slightly less dull (but still longer) than an actual documentary about the CIA, starring Matt Damon and his Serious Eyeware. (

Guys Gone Wild: Spring Break Explosion Drunk buff-boys prance around naked in a schlong-swingin’ frenzy—but they’re not gay, dude. Just completely shaved. Dude … (

Jump In The Valuable Life Lessons of High School Musical, plus the razor’s edge tension of Double Dutch jump-rope competition! Squeal! (

Tom Goes to the Mayor: The Complete Series It seemed bizarre before Tim & Eric: Awesome Show; now, not so much. But hey, we’ll always have Bass Fest. Rats off to ya! (

Volver A woman (Penelope Cruz) learns that women are divine beings and men are utterly disposable jerk-offs. Yeah, sounds about right. (

More New DVD Releases (4.3) Black Xmas, Hardcastle & McCormick: Season 2, Law & Order: Season 5, The Lost Room, Twin Peaks: Season 2

The Sopranos in 7 Minutes
Don’t have time to catch up on five seasons of The Sopranos before it all comes to an end? Of course you don’t. As always, someone with waaay too much time on their hands has solved your problems: a YouTube video that condenses the entire story thus far with deft editing and sarcastically simple narration:

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