Sunday, May 06, 2007


CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS) O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …

Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC) Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.

Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS) Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.

Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.

How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS) Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!

Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW) Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …

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