Get Rich

Las Vegas Friday 3.9 (NBC) Season Finale: Yes, already—the season only began in October! And that’s not all of the NBC cost-cutting going down on their only Friday-night hit: Las Vegas has been renewed through the 2007-08 season … but without star James Caan and increasingly-background eye candy Nikki Cox. Caan’s decision was entirely his own; he wants to get back to film work, and also has hinted that he thinks Las Vegas is dumber than a box of Keno cards (yeah … and?). On the other hand, Nikki Cox has just been flat-out canned, proving that C cups and D-minus acting (or is it the other way around?) will only carry you so far. Let’s get on with making Vegas even stoopider—and don’t even think of booting Vanessa Marcil, NBC …

Earthstorm Saturday 3.10 (Sci Fi) An asteroid crashes into the moon, thus nudging the moon closer to earth, screwing with the tides and pelting the planet with lunar junk, and only Stephen Baldwin (one of the less-greasy Baldwins) and Dirk Benedict (old-school Battlestar Galactica Starbuck) can stop it … or something. As Saturday-night B-movies on the Sci-Fi Channel go, Earthstorm is, well, one of ‘em—but why are exotic dancers working for Canadian Actors Guild scale always cast as scientists and TV reporters? If “Anna Silk” and “Heather Chase” aren’t stripper names, I’ll eat a pasty. Or two.

Blood Ties Sunday 3.11 (Lifetime) Series Debut: And if James Caan thinks Las Vegas is ridiculous, he should get a load of Blood Ties, Lifetime’s ambitiously daffy combo cop drama/vampire romance/sci-fi thriller—and allow me to drive the preemptive stake into the first TV critic to try and coin Law & Order: Special Vampires Unit. Private dick Vicki Nelson joins forces with a hunky 450-year-old bloodsucker to solve supernatural crimes, only to fall in lust with him; now, she’s torn between Drac Lite and her equally hunky former cop partner/lover … sensing a pattern here with Vicki? Girl’s got some workplace issues …

The New Adventures of Old Christine Monday 3.12 (CBS) Series Return: While NBC is (quite successfully) reinventing the sitcom-block on Thursdays with laugh-track-free darkhorses, CBS is staying the course with Monday comedies so traditional they could slip into TV Land virtually unnoticed—and yet they still work. Nothing ever really happens on Julia Louis Dreyfus’ Old Christine; she’s just a lovable single-mom effup with an astonishing gift for finding new ways to effup every week (newest episode: would you believe, sleep-dialing?). But, like CBS huh? hit Two & a Half Men—the dirtiest show on network TV now that Will & Grace is gone, just ask the Parents Television Council—The New Adventures of Old Christine is more clever than it looks.

The Riches Monday 3.12 (FX) Series Debut: Contrary to the dryly witty Eddie Izzard promos from FX, The Riches is not a comedy. Sure, it has its funny moments (see: master comic Eddie Izzard), but this story of a desperate family of modern gypsies living one step ahead of the law and under the thumb of an oppressive underground society is gray drama of the HBO variety: No right, no wrong, just survival. Izzard, Minnie Driver (who plays his just-paroled cough-syrup-junkie wife) and their three kids live on the lam in the Deep South, scamming as they can—until a highway accident that kills a rich couple (conveniently named the Riches) presents the ultimate identity theft. They move into the Riches’ new home, befriend their new neighbors, join the local country club and quickly become (somewhat) comfortable in their stolen American Dream. Problem is, before they bought in, “the Riches” stole a stash of cash from the gypsy society’s “extended-family bank” and now the hillbillies are on the hunt. Even though their Southern accents drift in and out, Izzard is the perfect con-man charmer and Driver is a convincing spitfire mess; The Riches should easily win back some of that dramatic cred FX inadvertently pissed away on Dirt. Not that Dirt isn’t fun, just sayin’ …

DVD
Borat Now, those who didn’t walk blindly into a theater last fall for the shock of a lifetime (or at least lunchtime) can now blindly rent it because “Oh, that looks fun.” Ah, America. The actual comedy of Borat was slightly oversold, but not the visceral cultural impact and genius of Sacha Baron Cohen. FoxHome.com

Fast Food Nation Newsflash: Big business couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you—but it will sell you one on a sesame-seed bun. Fast Food Nation doesn’t quite work as the Super Size Me/Thank You for Smoking combo that Richard Linklater probably shot for, but the performances (particularly Greg Kinnear’s) rock. FoxHome.com

The Loop: Season 1 All seven episodes of the sitcom no one watched on Fox last year; even stranger, it’s coming back this summer. As here-today-gone-later-today Fox sitcoms go, The Loop had promise: 20-something airline exec graduates slackerdom; friends don’t, hilarity rushes by. But Happy Hour was better. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.6) Brush With Death, Hawaii Five-O: Season 1, Kettle of Fish, Let’s Go to Prison, Moonlighting: Season 5, Nadine in Dateland, Northern Exposure: Season 6, Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Season 1, South Park: Season 9, Stargate Atlantis: Season 2, Walkout

BROADBAND
That’s My Daughter Believe it or not, there are shows even Comedy Central deems too weird (or at least too short) to air—they end up in ComedyCentral.com’s Motherlode video dump. That’s My Daughter, a Los Angeles comedy troupe with an affinity for porn mustaches and the worst of ‘80s cheese, have posted a musical trilogy of shorts espousing the joys and dangers of Patrick Swayze, tight white jeans and the possibility of “going gay.” Funny? Cautionary? You decide.

Posh Spite

Bend It Like ... Oh, Who Cares? NBC has announced a summer reality show based on the second-least-interesting person on the face of the planet, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (the first would be husband David Beckham). On the upside, this could be a signal that TV weasels have finally run out of "celebrities" to follow around with cameras and pray they fuck up (never count VH1 out, though). On the downside, well, read this from NBC:

"The series will give viewers a glimpse into what makes Victoria so popular and admired as one of the most glamorous women in the world," said NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly. "She makes news wherever she goes and our audience can now become insiders in this fascinating personal view of what being 'Posh' truly represents."

Christ, and to think I liked this guy for keeping The Office on the air. And there's more:

Said Victoria Beckham, "I am so excited to be making this show for NBC with [American Idol eee-vil mastermind] Simon Fuller. He has so much success around the world with his TV shows and the respect and trust of everybody he works with. This show is really something different, it's pushing the boundaries and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people."

Only if the eventual title for the show is Posh Spice Really CAN Wipe Her Own Ass, Vickie.

Sick, Wrong ... and Back!

Dead Sitcom Walking After a few weeks off, ABC's In Case of Emergency returns tonight, in the pre-Lost pole position. This would usually be good news, but since Lost has been (ahem) losing viewers by the millions in its new/later timeslot, it ain't going to bring a whole lotta new eyes to In Case of Emergency. Too bad, because ICE is one of the few comic surprises of the midseason, and it's all kinds of sick and wrong—in an almost It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia sort of way, at least as much as you can get away with on network TV. Observe this clip from the premiere episode, then check out the latest (wherein Jonathan Silverman gets, er, serviced by Jane Seymour—oh, Dr. Quinn!) tonight. Logic says the show won't be on for much longer ...

Dirt-y Gallo

Best. Casting. Ever. Tonight on Dirt (FX), Vincent Gallo guests as a former child star who goes batshit and takes the offices of tabloid mag DirtNow hostage. Great news for those of us who prefer Crazy Vinny (think Buffalo 66) over Morose Vinny (The Brown Bunny ... but at least somebody got something out of it, eh Vince?); Dirt is best when it's ridiculous, and it probably can't get any more ridiculous than this. Putting that out there as a dare, by the way, Courteney Cox ...

Winner & Losers

The Winner Sunday 3.4 (Fox) Series Debut: Rob Corddry (The Daily Show) is a 32-year-old video-store clerk who still lives with his parents and tells his 14-year-old pal (!) things like “I am not looking forward to doing your mom.” He’s also going get rich and win back his high-school sweetheart, or something—the story’s not important; the setup is. Unlike Fox’s recent attempts at multi-camera-with-audience sitcoms, The Winner is almost weird enough to work as well as actual funny Fox-coms from yesteryear (that would be the ‘90s, kids). The premiere episode is also loaded with enough sex jokes (including the mid-season’s second happy-ending Korean massage) to raise hackles at the ever-righteous Parents Television Council, which is more than enough reason to hang in for the show’s mere three-week run.

Dice Undisputed Sunday 3.4 (VH1) Series Debut: VH1’s work of rehabbing believed-dead celebrities is never done, hence a reality show based on Andrew Dice Clay, the comedian who’s been “banned for life” from MTV since 1989 (lucky him) and is supposedly unemployed and/or retired (not true—he’s still making bank in Las Vegas, but you can’t sell a “comeback” show with that). Now, Dice has book, an album and a Sirius radio show in the works, and no way in hell he can do it all without a camera crew and a colorful posse of morons dogging his every move. Thanks, Danny Bonaduce—thank you very fucking much.

The Class Monday 3.5 (CBS) Season Finale: No series has been screaming “I’ve changed! Really! Please love me now! Pleeeaaase!” louder than The Class, which began the season as a high-concept (OK, mid-concept) comedy about rarely-intersecting groups of characters, only to be hastily remodeled into Friends … with a few parts left over (where’d the news lady and her gay husband go?). Surprisingly, it’s still funny and holds together well—too bad more people are watching CBS’ craptastic Rules of Engagement. Don’t expect The Class to return, or hack TV critics to refrain from typing “Class dismissed!”

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Tuesday 3.6 (The CW) Series Debut: Technically, the title is The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. Also, this is technically the absolute last thing The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to say about The CW until the network kicks this skankfest to the curb and brings back Veronica Mars. Synchronize watches, and … go!

The Wedding Bells Wednesday 3.7 (Fox) Series Debut: The three Bell sisters inherit a wedding planning business after, how ironical, their parents divorce—no, it’s not a reality show, but there are still Bridezillas galore. Remember ABC’s wedding-happy Big Day? No? It was only a month ago! Anyway, The Wedding Bells is more of the same romantic-comedy fluff, with a dash of that Fox “edge” and the bonus cred of an actual Movie Star (Meet the Parents/Fockers’ Teri Polo) in the cast and one-time power producer David E. Kelley’s name in the credits. After tonight, it’s also moving to Fridays, where no one will ever see it again.

South Park Wednesday 3.7 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: The new 11th (!) season is going to have to be damned good to top the 10th, which gave us the death of Chef, Al Gore’s ManBearPig, Satan’s ultimate Halloween party, the war on Family Guy, the real 9/11 culprits and the Detroit Red Wings beating the hell out of Stan’s pee-wee hockey league, among other tragedies. With everything that happened in February pop culture alone, should be easy …

DVD
Killer Drag Queens on Dope C’mon, do you even need to know what it’s about? OK, fine: Ginger (Alexis Arquette) and Coco (Omar Alexis) are hit-men who dress like women and do lots of drugs. Want more? Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Welcome Back Kotter) as “Mr. Fly,” and roller-derby action. KillerDragQueensOnDope.com

The Return Sarah Michelle Gellar in another moody, confusing horror flick—but Buffy’s not blonde this time, which totally changes it up. Visions of a murdered woman (herself? Spooky!) point SMG to Texas for answers, but all she finds is more bad lighting and whispering kids. Boo! NBCUniversalStore.com

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny The reason it bombed at the box office: Sneaking a bong into the megaplex is problematic. For the rest of us who know Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) is the greatest band in all of rock, The Pick of Destiny is simply a well-researched, irrefutable documentary. Suck that, Al Gore. NewLine.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 27) Conversations With God, Dog the Bounty Hunter: Season 3, Dreamland, Girlfriends: Season 1, A Good Year, Reno 911: Reno’s Most Wanted, The Rockford Files: Season 3, Stranger Than Fiction

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The Winner Why wait for Fox to premiere Rob Corddry’s slacker sitcom when you can watch the first four episodes online right now at FamilyGuy.com? (The series is executive-produced by Seth MacFarlane and created by his bud Ricky Blitt.) Or buy all six on iTunes? Hell, Fox is going so whole-hog “multi-platform” with The Winner, they’ve probably already posted the whole series on your MySpace page. Go ahead, check.

Studio 60.2

You've Been Sorkined Still mourning the probable death of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip after last night, but this is pretty damned funny ...

Orange Alert

The O.C. Thursday 2.22 (Fox) Series Finale: Chrismukka, The Ironist, Dead Coop, “Karl Rove” Taylor, Hippie Summer, Parallel-Universe Ryan, Saint Sandy, Vodka Kiki, Madame Julie, the last known sighting of Rooney—how are we ever gonna live without The O.C.? Plenty of you have for the last two seasons, even though the series has experienced a major creative rebound recently, thus reinforcing my argument that Marissa should have been killed off looong ago, perhaps trapped in a Bait Shop fire with The Killers. But, how’s it all gonna end? Kiki’s baby arrives miraculously? The whole gang moves outta Newport? Zombie Marissa shows up and no one can tell the difference? Luke makes a surprise return to utter the series’ closing line, “That’s how it was done in the O.C., bitches”? A couple of these are true …

Ace of Cakes Thursdays (Food Network) Usually, I have as much use for the Food Network as I do non-disposable dishes and utensils—but then I ran across Ace of Cakes, the American Chopper of culinary shows. Baltimore baker Duff Goldman and his boho crew of artists (not chefs) craft crazy cakes that require as much architectural skill as frosting finesse; sometimes power tools even come into play. Reality “docu-soaps” (think every series on A&E; Food Network just has this one) are only as good as their characters, and Ace of Cakes is loaded with ‘em—most notably Goldman’s right-hand man Geof, who seems to be living his own internal Seinfeld episode. The tattoo-shop shows are so over—bring on the pastries.

The Black Donnellys Monday 2.26 (NBC) Series Debut: Otherwise known around NBC as The Show That’s Gonna Save Monday Nights! Seriously! Yes, despite giving Aaron Sorkin’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip a full-season pickup and letting it bleed Heroes’ ratings for months, NBC has finally yanked the show (tonight, Feb. 19, is your last chance) and given no indication what’s going to happen with the remaining unaired episodes (how about a DVD combo package with the last season of Joey?). Anyway, The Black Donnellys … it was better when it was a ‘90s indie flick called Southie—co-starring Studio 60’s Amanda Peet! The four lovable Irish Donnelly brothers get caught up with the New York City mob (oh, Southie was Boston, big difference), and they’ll do anything to protect one another because it’s Family Above All or some such catchphrase. It’s hack work, but at least it’s great-looking hack work—a Paul Haggis (creator/director; Crash) specialty.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Tuesday 2.27 (Fox) Series Debut: Mentioned this show a few weeks ago and everybody—and I do mean everybody—thought I was making it up. No, it’s for real: Adults are sent back to class and tested on fifth-grade material which, of course, they’ve long since forgotten since none of it applies to reality (or reality TV). It’s hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who’s contractually bound to say “You might be dumber than a fifth grader if …” and it’s preempting House, because Fox is all about building goodwill with viewers.

Veronica Mars Tuesday 2.27 (The CW) Last Episode Before Hiatus: Veronica’s going on vacation and The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is taking her CW slot through March. That’s right: One of the strongest young female role models in the one of the smartest and best-scripted shows on television is being sidelined so a pre-fabricated group of talentless skanks can find new a talentless skank to shake her moneymaker on the tube so middle-aged businessmen too cheap to spring for pay-per-view can spank away in the hotel room. Way to go, CW!

DVD
American Hardcore Despite the glaring shortage of Dead Kennedys material (!), Paul Rachman’s punk-doc still covers the titular scene of ’79 to ’86 well, with rare live footage of Black Flag, Minor Threat, Bad Brains, DRI, The Adolescents, 7 Seconds and more … plus the obligatory Rollins rants. SonyPictures.com

For Your Consideration This Is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, Best In Show—no, For Your Consideration doesn’t quite live up to the rest of the Christopher Guest canon, but it’s still light years beyond Norbit, fergawdsakes. And it’s arriving just in time for Oscars weekend! Wha happened? WarnerBros.com

Shut Up & Sing Those wacky Dixie Chicks just don’t like Dubya, and who can argue? Not so much the case back in 2003, when Natalie Maines blasted Bush and became a country-music pariah. Shut Up & Sing documents the hysteria that followed … in case you missed it in the news every day. WeinsteinCo.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 20) Alias Smith & Jones: Season 1, Flushed Away, The Journalist & the Jihadi, Man of the Year, Night of the Living Dorks, Penn & Teller: Bullshit: Season 4, The Prestige, Walking Tall: The Payback

Fox News ... Intentionally Funny?

The Stale-y Show The Fox News Channel's rumored knock-off of Comedy Central's Daily Show, produced by the laugh-meister behind 24 (!), is set to debut Sunday night. It's called the 1/2 Hour News Hour ... yeah, sounds promising already. Until you see this advance clip, which nowhere near as funny as anything on Hannity's America ...

Where My Fave Shows Fucked Up

My Name is Earl Thursdays (NBC) Problem: Too much spicy tail. I like Catalina as much as the next heterosexual guy with a browser history of Hot Latinas Websites … hypothetically … but enough is enough! Squeezing her into every scene and situation (and increasingly shrinking outfits) worked once or twice, but lately it’s turned into My Name is Puta. How does someone with two demanding careers—hotel maid and stripper—have so much free time to hang out with karma bums Earl and Randy? Loco.

Rome Sundays (HBO) Problem: You’re watching Sodomy Central. Episode 3 of the current (and final) season of Rome featured not one, but two mano-a-mano anal-rape scenes, not to mention more homoerotic undertones than an entire season of Queer as Folk or, well, Rome. The next week, much talk of diddling young boys and, as foreplay to torture, aristocrat Servilia getting hers … in the end. Not that I’m a historian or anything, but with so few episodes left before Rome heads into the cancellation sunset, shouldn’t they get on with that whole Building of an Empire story and pull their heads out of their … oh, never mind.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Sundays (Adult Swim) Problem: Cartoon ennui. I can forgive Adult Swim’s Frisky Dingo for taking a great premise (supervillian with a marketing plan vs. superhero who’s secretly a rich playboy idiot) and turning it into an incomprehensible mess over four months, but Aqua Teen Hunger Force? It began as an incomprehensible mess! Six years ago! But at least it was funny. Now, it’s just about cheap shocks and merchandising—and occasionally giving George Lowe (Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, R.I.P.) some voice work, apparently sans script. Maybe the writers have been too busy with the big-screen Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (actual title) and blinky-light marketing stunts to pay attention to the ol’ TV series.

24 Mondays (Fox) Problem: Jumped the shark, pistol-whipped it, nuked it. The Aqua Teen movie can’t possibly be a more over-the-top cartoon than the current season of 24—the Republicans finally get a television show to embrace, and look what happens. When did Jack Bauer become Sonic the Hedgehog? And no one seems all that concerned that a nuclear bomb just went off in Los Angeles … actually, that’s at least somewhat believable.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Mondays (NBC) Problem: Dude, where’s my comedy? One of the best pilot episodes of this season (or damned near any season); now, Studio 60 is just a great-looking soap opera with alternately sparkling and maddening dialogue and delusions of West Wing import—I can guarantee that fewer of the remaining viewers are interested in the outcome of the NBS network’s righteous battle with the FCC than the genius sketch Matt is going to write around Harriet’s “Dolphin Girl” voice.

Dirt Tuesdays (FX) Problem: Serious, but not desperate. Sure, Dirt has taken itself more seriously than it should (it’s about a Hollywood gossip magazine, fergawdsakes), but the show has veered into some Law & Order crime-solvin’ territory lately—like cable needs more of that. And enough with Courteney Cox’s woefully inadequate vibrator, too: You’ve got the money, go buy bigger and better model, maybe something powered by a DieHard car battery. On the upside, Carly Pope (mrrrow) has joined the show as a lesbian drug dealer, guests Paul Ruebens (!) and Wayne Brady (!!) killed in against-type roles, and photog Don is becoming progressively more loony and lucid. I smell a crossover with newly Hollywood-relocated Nip/Tuck …

DVD
The Departed After Gangs of New York (zzz) and The Aviator (well, looked great), Martin Scorsese finally nails it again with The Departed—and his faith in Leonardo DiCaprio pays off, too. The deep-cover cops/mob plot isn’t perfect, but sheer style and cool casting trump all—right, Marky Mark? WarnerBros.com

Grosse Point: The Complete Series The funniest and smartest series ever produced by the old WB network—naturally, it barely lasted a season in 2000. Darren Star’s behind-the-scenes Hollywood satire of teen soap Grosse Pointe was as sharp as Fox’s Action, and usually funnier. Plus, all the mean WB jokes came true. SonyPictures.com

School for Scoundrels Bad Santa and Napoleon Dynamite in the same movie? From an Old School writer/director? How could it possibly suck? Yeah, anyway: Billy Bob Thornton attempts to teach Jon Heder to be a confident bastard to win a girl; something resembling wackiness ensues. WeinsteinCo.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 13) All in the Family: Season 6, Beauty & the Beast: Season 1, Golden Girls: Season 7, Half Nelson, The Hills: Season 1, Hustle: Season 2, Men Behaving Badly: Complete Series, The Quiet, The U.S. vs. John Lennon, Yucko the Clown: The Damn Show

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Moral Orel One of Adult Swim’s unsung heroes, Moral Orel’s weekly life lessons on the ways of the God-fearing are indispensable for choosing the right. Since the show airs on Sundays (ack!), catch up with full episodes on Adult Swim Fix on days when The Lord isn’t judging you: Don’t know how to utilize your urine? Want to help the dead live to the fullest? Need to masturbate but still get into heaven? Orel has answers.

Girl Trouble

Survivor: Fiji Thursday 2.8 (CBS) Season Premiere: Last time around it was the controversial “race wars,” pitting tribes of different nationalities against each other … for two whole weeks, then it was business as usual. Now, evil reality-TV kingpin Mark Burnett is promising all kinds of new bullshit “shocking twists” that will eventually turn out to be the same old cast of grimy whiners playing sticks and fire on a stupid island—and you’re all still going watch rapt. Purely coincidental that his next project is Fox’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?

Juvies Thursdays (MTV) After years of creating young criminals, MTV now chronicles their daily lives in a juvenile center—I love this network! Whatever did they program before reality shows? What’s that you say? Music? Ha!

The 49th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday 2.11 (CBS) Everybody knows music is dead; the Grammy Awards prove it once a year. Take the Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal category—first of all, the title’s longer than the careers of most Best New Artists. Second, you’ve got The Raconteurs’ “Steady as She Goes,” a direct rip-off of Joe Jackson’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” vs. the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Dani California,” a blatant crib of Tom Petty’s “Last Dance With Mary Jane”—not to mention their 78th single featuring the abuse of a “California” reference. Then there are the nominations for talent-averse groups like the Pussycat Dolls (Spice Girls 2.0 with extra skank on the side) and Stone Sour (Puddle of Mudd minus the jaunty backwards baseball cap) … MTV really used to waste airtime on this stuff? Wild.

Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job; Saul of the Mole Men Sunday 2.11 (Adult Swim) Live-Action Series Debuts: Late at night, the Cartoon Network becomes Adult Swim—legally, it doesn’t have to include animation (call a lawyer if you must). The duo’s Tom Goes to the Mayor was barely animated at all, so Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job is a logical-ish extension that mashes-up elements of Mr. Show, Wondershowzen and blunt trauma to the head, all in network-defying live-action. Saul of the Mole Men sends up low-budget Saturday-morning action-adventures of the ‘70s (Land of the Lost, Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, et al), then dumbs ‘em down even further and, like Awesome Show and most everything else on Adult Swim, shrinks it to an ADD-palatable 15 minutes—c’mon, we’ll watch anything for 15 minutes … Do you have any gum? Let’s ride bikes!

The Bad Girls Club Tuesdays (Oxygen) The new favorite show of The Only TV Column That Matters™ … at least for one episode. The set-up: Seven self-proclaimed “bad girls” live together in a typical SoCal Reality House in order to confront and tame their “badness,” or something. What really happens: Bitches go crazy! There’s fighting and crying galore, but The Bad Girls Club’s moment of infamy arrived when housemate Ripsi (no one saw it coming with that name?) got blackout drunk and went on a blotto furniture-destroying, trash-talking, hair-pulling, throat-throttling rampage that was like a harmonic convergence of Jerry Springer, Cops and America’s Next Top Tequila-Soaked Waif. In other words, great TV—and apparently the only episode Oxygen ever repeats, constantly. Cool with me.

DVD
The Amazing Screw-On Head Paul Giamatti voices the title character, a secret-agent metal head that screws into robot bodies to battle the evil Emperor Zombie at the behest of President Lincoln—yeah, hard to believe the Sci-Fi Channel has yet to turn this into a regular animated series. For steampunk geeks only. LionsGate.com

The Grudge 2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Joan of Arcadia take on Japanese creepies in a horror sequel at least as unanticipated as The Ring 2—or even The Blair Witch Project 2 (remember that?). Since everyone here is more concerned with looking pretty than acting, it’s at least … pretty. SonyPictures.com

Incubus College coeds are terrorized by a serial killer in an abandoned factory. Don’t ask why the hell they’re in an abandoned factory—ask why we’re supposed to believe Tara Reid as a college coed. While you’re at it, ask why a horror movie is named after a pansy-ass rock band. Go ahead. SonyPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (2.6) Baywatch: Season 3, Charmed: Season 7, Flags of Our Fathers, Flicka, Hellboy: Sword of Storms, Hollywoodland, Running With Scissors, The Science of Sleep, Trust the Man

BROADBAND

The Bad Girls Club Oxygen, which was supposed to be a Web-savvy network when it launched, is sorely lacking in Bad Girls Club content—the drunken catfights and other good bits (whatever those may be) are everywhere else on the Internet but Oxygen.com. A YouTube search on the series is better than the actual show: