Suicide Girls Shouldn't Act. Even on CSI

Catch tonight's episode of CSI: NY? No? Since you have a life, you missed a howlingly clunky infomerical for the Suicide Girls, wherein a gaggle of real SGs (I recognized one of my faves, Zoli) were involved in a murder investigation and were called upon to "act" like themselves and deliver lines like "We're not Baywatch babes ... or the Pussycat Dolls" and assert the Suicide Girls' agenda of tattooed empowerment. I support 'em, but this was a painfully bad as a '70s CHiPs episode with roller-disco dandies extolling their lifestyle--and just as funny! Observe:

Happy Tru Year

I finally regained access to the ol' True TV blog after two months (don't ask) just in time to watch Court TV click over to TruTV for 2008, thus swiping the name of the television column I've written for Salt Lake City Weekly for nearly 10 years. Happy fucking New Year to me and my nonexistent team of lawyers.

Should anyone still care about 2007, my picks for the best TV shows of the past year went online last week elsewhere--they were all on cable, because broadcast network TV is dead. Sure, some great shows premiered this fall on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and even The CW (Reaper ... how us dozen viewers miss ye), but the ongoing Writers Guild of America strike has pretty much killed even the promising few that were picked up for a full season. A few leftover new eps in January and the 2007-08 season is more or less over. Unless you count reality shows, which no one with an ounce of taste or brains should. Not being elitist--have you seen the shit that's coming?

Anyway, here's hoping the blog of the original True TV gets back on a regular posting schedule for 2008 ... oh, that's on me. Stay tuned ...

And Now a Halloween Treat ...

... From master of horror Garth Marenghi. Please to enjoy ... Dark Place!

Samatha WTF?

ABC announced today that they're giving some show called Samantha Who? a full-season pick-up. From what I gather, it's on Monday nights, stars Christina Applegate, and lots of people apparently watch it because it's between Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor and their brains are too numbed by geriatric hoofers and nubile skanks to switch the channel. Hey, it's a mandate. Further inspection reveals that Samantha Who? is about a woman who gets run down by a car, falls into brief coma, then awakens with no prior knowledge of what a raging bitch she was before nor of being attached to that What About Brian? (another great ABC series with a name and a question) guy. Wackiness and cute outfits ensue. This gets higher ratings than NBC's Heroes, not to mention CBS' cavalcade of filthy "family" sitcoms. Coma sounds good right about now ...

What True TV's watching tonight:

Bones (Fox) A Halloween episode and an excuse to get Brennan into a sexy costume. Score!

Reaper (The CW) The Devil gives Sam an extra-hard gig for Halloween: Tracking down CW viewers.

Nip/Tuck (FX) Christian and Sean walk all the way from Miami to Hollywood in the season premiere. I'm guessing that's the whole hour, since FX didn't send me a preview.

Rebrand This

What's up with the damn blog? Sorry, been busy with my ongoing battle against Court TV's insistance on changing their name to TruTV--as we all know, I've had the name True TV for years and this whole thing is just pissing me off. The official change doesn't happen until January 2008, but the "rebranding" campaign begins next month. Since Warner Bros. budget is slightly larger than mine, I may lose this one; score another round for Corporate America. So ... how do I get in on that?

Anyway, on tonight's annoyingly Veronica Mars-free Heroes, Sylar (who has apparently joined the Jack Donaghy "Talking Like This" contest) and the Wonder Twins of Death crossed the border from Mexico to 'Merica, only to be confronted by the redneck, uh, "Citizen's" border patrol--Minutemen, but with seemingly better hygiene. Girl Twin turned on her Black Eyes Killin' power and took 'em all out, then the trio drove off and left 'em for dead.

How many whackjob militia sites are going to be lit up with this tonight? Or at least tomorrow on the shortwave radio? Another imaginary attack on our freedoms!

Oh, and this morning's (and past morning's) X96 Radio From Hell TV report is now available in podcast form. I know; I'm as shocked as anyone.

Geek Impact

That whole Chuck vs. Reaper argument? Hack TV critics may not have their "revenge of the nerds" go-to for much longer: Nobody's watching Reaper. I mean nobody. Veronica Mars had three times more viewers in the same CW timeslot last year, and we all know what happened to her.

And as a side note: How is it that Kristen Bell (Veronica) wound up on Heroes this season, but Jason Dohring (Logan) got screwed with a role on CBS' craptacular (but still more watched than Reaper) Moonlight? Now Ghost Whisperer is suddenly high Friday-night art ... sorry, Logan.

Back to Chuck and Reaper: The only similarities are that the shows' leads work in big-box stores and happen to be as good-lookin' as TV stars. That's it. Chuck is an action series with hints of humor. Reaper is a comedy with several toes in sci-fi. When the action slows down on Chuck, the funny ain't there to carry it. Reaper rarely falls flat, no matter what mode it's in. If it were on a real network—say, as a lead-in to Heroes—Reaper would be a Fall Smash. As it is, it's just barely beating out Life is Wild (debuted to exactly 35 viewers last night) and your webcam.

So watch Chuck tonight (and then the multiple reruns on NBC properties Bravo, USA, Sci-Fi, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, etc.), and watch Reaper REALLY HARD tomorrow night. Who knows, could help ...

All About Hugh

Daddy, what was Cop Rock? So Pushing Daisies might not be the hardest sell of the new season: CBS’ new musical casino drama (yeah, that’s right) Viva Laughlin doesn’t debut for two weeks, but this one-minute YouTube clip of Hugh Jackman singing “Sympathy for the Devil” (also right) surrounded by slot machines and showgirls should keep you laughing for at least that long ...

Bonaduce Breaking

So last night at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards (one bomb, hundreds of reality-TV douchebags taken care of, just sayin'), hulking freckle Danny Bonaduce pulled a WWE-worthy move and tossed Survivor assclown Jonny Fairplay face-first to the floor, sending him to the hospital sans teeth and blood. Finally, Bonaduce has contributed something to society, although Kanye West felt slighted for not receiving a Piledriver.

What The Only TV Column That Matters™ is watching tonight:

Pushing Daisies (ABC): Debut of the fanciful new series from the folks behind Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me ... so it's probably already been canceled.

The Bionic Woman (NBC): Jaime learns to use her new powers, while everyone else wonders why the guv'ment didn't give her a personality upgrade.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC): Tranny trouble is a-brewin'!

South Park, The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central): Cartman has Tourettes; Sarah joins an anti-abortion group. Let's all go to Hell, shall we?

Slick Willie 24-7

Former president/future first lady Bill Clinton on Sunday's Meet the Press:

"If you're the Jack Bauer person, you'll do whatever you do and you should be prepared to take the consequences ... When Bauer goes out there on his own and is prepared to live with the consequences, it always seems to work better."

Yeah ... to quote Dwight Shrute: "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."

What The Only TV Column That Matters™ is watching tonight:

Bones (Fox): A soccer mom gets blow'd up in her minivan; Jack Bauer not suspected.

Reaper (The CW): Sam and Sock capture more souls escaped from Hell, including the fuckers responsible for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Eureka (Sci-Fi): In the season finale, Carter and Stark work together to get into Allison's pants, er, save her son from a mysterious virus. Then, the pants thing.

Crock of Love

So the escapee from the '80s Cowboy Biker Poser wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Wax chose the young, hot girl over the skanky old stripper who might possibly be a dude on last night's Rock of Love? This is the shocker of the century! Well, that and the revelation that reality TV may not be all that real! Can't wait for the Reunion Show next Sunday ...