Boned

What Isn't On Tonight The greatest threats to the hemisphere, American Idol and President Dubya, have knocked the return of Fox's Bones back a week, to Jan. 31. Swell. Now I have to wait even longer for some of that Brennen & Booth magic, all because delusional idiots just have to audition to be karaoke stars and world leaders. But wasn't it a helluva State of the Union address last night? Look closely: Dick Cheney's trying to shed his skin ...

Daytime Hell

Judge (Insert Name Here) Weekdays (Any Channel) There are now more judges on daytime TV then there are on the Supreme Court—I can’t back those numbers up, but I know you’re not going to research it. Unlike the Good Ol’ Days when there was only The People’s Court (which continues sans Judge Wapner, an artistic travesty akin to Van Halen without Michael Anthony—for the love!), now there’s wall-to-wall gavel jockeys presiding over heady nail-salon disputes and riveting playa-hata-vs.-baby-momma injunctions. Meanwhile, on Court TV, it’s … Beach Patrol? What’s gone wrong here?

The Rachael Ray Show Weekdays (KSL 5) Religions have been founded upon the hatred of Rachael Ray—go ahead, look it up, I have the stats on this one. But, “Retchel” (or “Raytard,” as some prefer) was also voted our second-most-trusted celebrity in a Forbes poll last year, between Tom Hanks and Michael J. Fox and far above the demon who spawned her, Oprah. This, of course, means that Queen O is behind the Rachael Ray Sucks movement. As for her show, all Ray seems to do is cook inedible meals real fast while squeaking/screaming through that Joker mouth while her audience orgasmically laps up it up like a combo cure for cancer and muffintop. In other words, a thousand times better her lead-out show, KSL’s blandtastic Studio 5.

The Megan Mullally Show Weekdays (Fox 13) The undisputed contender for the worst syndicated daytime talk show since Tony Danza … until she was cancelled, so catch those fascinating sit-downs with Barry Manilow and Antonio Sabato Jr. while you still can before The Megan Mullally Show is replaced with Judge Reinhold (it’s not just an Arrested Development gag—he really is the last Judge to not have a show greenlighted). Of all the things wrong with Mullally’s variety-chat trainwreck, her interviewing style—somewhere between Ellen DeGeneres and an unbalanced spin cycle—was probably its ultimate downfall. Well, that and the stiff competition from …

The Dr. Keith Ablow Show Weekdays (KJZZ 14) Make that just plain stiff: If this strip-mall Dr. Phil were any duller, he’d be a regular on Studio 5. Even when Ablow tries to spice up the show with salacious guest solicitations, it comes out like this (actual “Be on the Show” topic): “Do you worry about your young daughter idolizing stars like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Does your young daughter want to act like Britney and Paris by going out and wearing clothes like they do?” Are you still awake? Ask your pharmacist about Ablow, the best daytime sleep aid since the Zoloft Margarita (recipe on Rachel Ray’s Website).

Geraldo at Large Weekdays (Fox 13) Another syndie dog that’s long been cancelled but continues to take up space between Judge shows, Fox’s “news” magazine made the fatal mistake of including the name Geraldo in the title when Free Mustache Rides or Douche on the Loose would have enticed/tricked more viewers. Will somebody just bring back Hard Copy, already?

The Greg Behrendt Show Weekdays (Utah’s 24) Oh. My. Gawd. From talentless stand-up comedian to talentless author (He’s Just Not That Into You and some other identical book) to talentless talk-show host, it’s Greg Behrendt, renaissance hack. Mr. “Rock & Roll Comic” is what Dane Cook will be in 10 years should he suffer blunt-instrument brain damage, frost his tips and farm out his joke-writing to the coke-damaged chimp pools that service “Morning Zoo” radio shows—sure, that’s what housewives want in the afternoon. Apparently not: The Greg Behrendt Show pulls even lower ratings than the previously-mentioned cancelled talkers, which means it’s almost Uncomfortable Phone Call time: “Hi, Greg? It’s not you, it’s … OK, it is you. Can you have your shit out of the studio by five?”

DVD
The Puffy Chair A New York fuck-up drives to North Carolina to pick up a recliner he bought off eBay, needy girlfriend and childhood hang-ups in tow—pretty much everything you want in an indie flick. Critics say The Puffy Chair is everything Little Miss Sunshine shot for and missed … crazy critics. Netflix.com

Saw III Not that anyone’s likely to be jumping in at this point, but if you haven’t seen Saws I and II (and blogged extensively about ‘em), rent the lot and have yourself a bloody five hours—you deserve it. Remember, any slasher-movie franchise employing Shawnee Smith can’t be all bad. LionsGate.com

Sherrybaby A recovering drug addict (Maggie Gyllenhaal) gets out of prison and struggles to reconnect with her 5-year-old daughter in New Jersey—yes, it’s another feel-good indie. As always, Gyllenhaal nails it, even though Sherrybaby is essentially a grainy Lifetime movie with bonus sex and drugs. IFCFilms.com

Walker, Texas Ranger: Season 2 Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep … he waits. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch—he decides what time it is. Chuck Norris cannot love; he can only not kill. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus. Chuck Norris doesn’t want you to buy his DVD … he wants you to eat it. Paramount.com

More New DVD Releases (Jan. 23) Crooks, The Guardian, Hopeless Pictures: Season 1, The Invincible Iron Man, Jesus Camp, Kounterfeit, This Film is Not Yet Rated, The Waltons: Season 4

BROADBAND
Pirates of the Great Salt Lake Despite the setting and the presence of actor Kirby Heyborne, Pirates of the Great Salt Lake is not an LDS comedy—check the furiously fast trailer saturating the Internet: It’s actually funny … at least for two minutes.

Full of Shilpa

International Non-Incident Maybe you've heard about the hubbub over the pond on Celebrity Big Brother in Britain—no, not the Leo Sayer thing. Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty and housemate/hell harpy Jade (famous only for being on a previous Big Brother) have been fighting for weeks; Jade was voted off the show Friday night. The whole thing has become a flashpoint for India/England race relations ... or something. ABC's Nightline produced a detailed feature story about Shilpagate last week—you tell me if this is news:

No, Not Skanks

Hillary Clinton's Inspiration? CW entertainment prez Dawn Ostroff told a room full of doughy TV critics Friday that Veronica Mars has been doing just great following Gilmore Girls Tuesdays on the new sorta-network. She then followed up with the news that The Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll reality series would be replacing Veronica for eight weeks beginning in March. The TV critics were torn: Veronica Mars is about the only smart, strong young female headliner on the tube these days ... but those Pussycat Dolls! Damn! P-Dolls creator Robin Antin (sister of Blow Out crybaby Jonathan) then insisted that "there’s nothing slutty about it. There's nothing skanky about it. Their clothing is cute," then added that the Dolls are "inspiring to women. The message is just finding your 'inner Doll.'" Yeah, don't you wish your teen daughter was a freak them?

American Idiots

The Day the Music Died (Again) Last night, 37.3 million viewers tuned into the season premiere of American Idol, the largest audience for Fox's karaoke showdown ever. Of course, the tryouts were pure crap, and it's only going to get slightly less ear-raping from here. By all means, let's keep encouraging these otherwise useless fucks to reach for the stars, America—the music industry ain't going to kill itself.

And Fuck Steely Dan, Too Catch that NFL playoff game between the New Orleans Saints and the Philadelphia Eagles on Fox last weekend? Have you filed your FCC complaint for irreversible damage to you and your children’s psyches? Fox cameras panned to the stands during the first quarter to capture celebrating Saints fans, only to get a four-second flash of a woman wearing a belly-shirt bearing the message “Fuck Da Eagles.” Sportswriters across the nation were outraged, though not over the bastardization of “the.” “It’s equivalent to flipping a vulgar hand sign at the government,” wrote The Washington Post about Fox’s lapse at the delay button. “And to many viewers, as well, who doubtless are watching this game with their children.” Yeah, because a word is far worse for The Children than watching millionaire dopers bash each other around a field. The Parents Television Council has fired up the form e-mail machine, so maybe we can finally get football off network TV.

Digital Nips In other Fascist Communications Cabal news, Desperate Housewives producer Marc Cherry revealed this week that “I spend like $100,000 a week taking nipples out of my show because I’ve got a couple of actresses who refuse to wear bras, and the [FCC-fearing ABC] Standards & Practices go ‘Can’t see that.’ Then I'll turn on Friends and it’s a nipplefest.” While ABC is fretting over deadly RT, the body count for the season premiere of 24 this week on Fox was in the thousands—and yet Fox spent more time apologizing for Da Eagles shirt. Lighten up, ABC—Teri Hatcher's nipples will be pointing to the floor by the end of this season, anyway.

Return to Centre

Our Man Jarod The Pretender, a fine NBC series that lasted from 1996 to 2000 on Saturday nights (!), then was cancelled and brought back due to popular demand in the '01 TNT movies The Pretender 2001 (cool) and Island of the Haunted (not so much), disappeared from TNT reruns long ago, but has since resurfaced on, of all channels, Hallmark. Every weeknight at midnight, I gets my Miss Parker fix. God, I've missed that chainsmoking psychobitch ...

Truthosity

The O’Reilly Factor, The Colbert Report Thursday 1.18 (Fox News, Comedy Central) The greatest crossover event in basic-cable history, or simply a shrewd promotional circle jerk featuring only two jerks in the circle? The Answer: Yes! Stephen Colbert, who’s based his Colbert Report character (or, by now, perhaps true persona—absolute power, etc.) on Bill O’Reilly, will appear on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor; then, O’Reilly will guest on Colbert’s Comedy Central show. Apparently, it’s all out of mutual professional respect: “I look forward to the evening,” Colbert said last week. “It’s an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O’Reilly.” I honestly don’t know which show will be more entertaining …

Monk, Psych Friday 1.19 (USA) Season Premieres: Well, winter premieres—USA likes to break ‘em up and spread ‘em out. What’s new since The Only TV Column That Matters™ covered the late-summer finales of Monk and Psych? The former remains exactly the same; nothing much ever changes in Monkland except for the new USA show stars that Tony Shaloub has to shoot promos with—how ‘bout one with Jewel and Cowboy Troy? The latter’s funny formula (observant slacker passes himself off as a psychic to work with the police and pick up girls) hasn’t gone stale just yet, but it could easily Jump the Matlock. Right, Monk?

The Dresden Files, Battlestar Galactica Sunday 1.21 (Sci-Fi) Series Debut/Series Return: Speaking of NBC/Universal-owned quirky smart-ass detectives with fashionable stubble, meet Harry Dresden, the wizard P.I. The series is based on the novels of Jim Butcher, so expect the literati to complain even though Dresden is a well-executed, if simplified, adaptation, and leads Paul Blackthorne (24) and Valerie Cruz (Nip/Tuck) are far better than you’d expect from a Sci-Fi series without Battlestar in its title. As for Galactica, rumors are flying that beloved fuck-up Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) will be killed sometime before the end of this season, but attention will soon be diverted to Cylon 6 (Tricia Helfer) in the February issue of Playboy. Trust me.

Prison Break Monday 1.22 (Fox) Return: Tonight’s Prison Break comeback episode is titled “John Doe,” which is funny because Dominic Purcell (the one with the thicker shaved head) starred in another Fox series long ago called John Doe. Even funnier, even though it was a high-concept science-fiction drama, it was still more believable than Prison Break. And we laughed …

Heroes, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Monday 1.22 (NBC) Returns: Seems like it’s been forever, huh? I mean for Heroes; Studio 60 could have been running all-new episodes for a month now and you probably wouldn’t have noticed. Rejoining Heroes, Peter’s still in a coma, Eden’s still dead, Sylar’s still incapacitated (and listed as a non-permanent “guest star”), Hiro and Ando are searching for the samurai sword from Isaac’s painting, Niki/Jessica turns herself into the police against Jessica/Niki’s wishes, and Claire’s apparently never getting out of that cheerleader uniform (no complaints here). On Studio 60, Matt’s doomed obsession with Harriet continues, as does Danny’s doomed obsession with Jordan and producer Aaron Sorkin’s doomed obsession with Aaron Sorkin.

Bones Wednesday 1.24 (Fox) Return: Bones' serial-killer arch-nemesis Epps is on the loose (another one of those “prison breaks”), and Booth’s former/current flame Cam’s life is hanging in the balance! Who will win in this deadly game of cat-and-mouse? Oh, who do you think? The only real question is, is it too early in the season to send Cam to dirtnap central? Or do we have to wait until Sweeps? Just askin.’

DVD
Employee of the Month Comedian Dane Cook’s bid to become a movie star is crushed by the thespian screen-dominance of Jessica Simpson’s tits … poor bastard never stood a chance. Still, there’s some funny to be found in this Office-Space-does-CostCo romantic comedy—too bad it was all in the trailers. LionsGate.com

Gridiron Gang Why not just make The Scorpion King 2, Rock? Er, Dwayne? That’s what we all want from you, not the uplifting tale of a juvie-league football team battling against the odds to become The Bad News Ballers. So it’s based on a true story—big deal, so was The Scorpion King. Wasn’t it? SonyPictures.com

The King of Queens: Season 7 One of the most underrated sitcoms on network TV—even if you can only tell one season from another by Leah Rimini’s hair (Season 7’s was very good, BTW). No Valuable Life Lessons are ever learned on The King of Queens, but it never fails to deliver laughs. Yeah, it’s a UPS joke. SonyPictures.com

That’s So Suite Life of Hanna Montana Try to follow: Malibu teen Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) leads a double life as rock star Hannah Montana, a secret known only to her manager father (real-life dad Billy Ray Cyrus) and, oh, pretty much everyone else. Why? Look, you’re already asking way too many questions … Disney.com

BROADBAND
In Case of Emergency May have been hasty weeks ago in declaring ABC’s new In Case of Emergency sucktastic; the manic, politically/morally-incorrect sitcom about four 30-something friends who’ve taken a wrong turn or 12 in life is almost the network answer to cable’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Check the video clips—especially the critically-reviled “Korean massage” scene from the pilot. Ah, Kelly Hu …

More Drunks on TV!

Breathalyzer Idol No judging: If I'd sold my soul to Simon Cowell and that Satanic shit-cannon called American Idol, I wouldn't be able to promote it sober in the morning, either. Live and loaded from Seattle, take it away, Paula ...

No Static at All

Sucking the '70s Scrolling through the Comcast OnDemand selections of "Free Movies" (read: crap they won't even show on TBS at 2 a.m.) last night, I ran across that 1978 gem FM, starring Martin Mull, Eileen Brennan, Alex Karras (!) and various other actors with shaggy hair and beards, as well as concert segments with Linda Rondstadt (totally hot circa '78) and Jimmy Buffet (eh). It's the story of a "renegade" SoCal FM station with eccentric DJs who spin such '70s underground artists as Steely Dan, The Eagles, even Tom Petty (who also appears in the flick, all 99 pounds of him). The station becomes so popular that ad weasels from the parent company take notice and decide to sell the shit out of it--including selling spots to (ack!) the Army. This eventually leads to a DJ sit-in at "Q-Sky" that draws an adoring mob of badly-dressed supporters and escalates into a riot set to the anarchy-fueled sounds of ... fucking Foghat? Granted, "Slow Ride" rocks balls, but come on ...

Nashville Pussies

Nashville Star Thursday 1.11 (USA) Season Premiere: Which is tougher to swallow: A fifth season of Nashville Star, or new co-host Jewel? The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to assume Jewel, who, along with Cowboy Troy, will be emceeing the singin’ and twangin’ contest that inexplicably resides on USA, not CMT, GAC or any of the dozen other country-music channels clogging up my cable (thanks, Comcast). But hey, Jewel’s country cred is every bit as solid as Cowboy Troy’s—he’s a capital-C Cowboy, fergawdsakes!

24 Sunday 1.14 (Fox) Season Premiere: Jack’s back, and he’s hairy: “Chloe! I need a razor at these coordinates! Now!” In 24 world, almost two years have passed since agent Jack Bauer was captured by Chinese thugs and taken on the worst cruise vacation ever at the end of last season, but now America needs him back … as a sacrifice to a different set of thugs. J-Bau can’t catch a break. The U.S. is under siege by terrorists, thousands of civilians are dead and, perhaps even more frightening, the country’s only news outlet seems to be the Fox News Channel (love that corporate Fox synergy). Can Jack save the nation yet again? And if so, does he have to go on Hannity & Colmes?

Crossing Jordan Sunday 1.13 (NBC) Season Premiere: Jordan’s back, and her hair looks fabulous. On the downside, she’s still facing a murder rap over the dead ex-boyfriend she woke up next to in last season’s finale, not to mention more (and now totally out-of-sync) Las Vegas crossovers. And, even though Crossing Jordan’s been on for six years now, look for NBC to begin promoting it as “From the creator of Heroes!”

Rome, Extras Sunday 1.13 (HBO) Season Premieres: HBO’s most humorless drama, followed by its funniest comedy (the specter of Lucky Louie looms large). Yes, Rome is still a grim, grand epic that looks every bit a million bucks a frame (rough estimate), but Extras takes the awkward laughs of star Ricky Gervais’ original British Office to painfully funny new extremes—with bigger guest stars! The Season 2 premiere features Orlando Bloom riffing sarcastically on Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Johnny Depp, but the Jan. 21 ep slays with David Bowie writing an impromptu, vicious (and yet quite pretty) song about Gervais’ “chubby little loser” and his critically panned new BBC sitcom. In fact, Bowie’s as good here as Mick Jagger was in The Knights of Prosperity … hmmm.

American Idol Tuesday 1.15 (Fox) Season Premiere: Wow, has it really been a whole year since I’ve reiterated my pure and total hatred of American Idol? Good to reconnect.

The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show Wednesday, Jan. 16 (Comedy Central) Series Debut: One’s a guitar-strumming truck driver sans clothes (Dave Gruber Allen), the other’s a combover-sideburned drifter of questionable morals (David Koechner); together, they travel the highways and byways of this great land singing songs about truck-stop glory holes, tea-bagging hippies and JPEGs of 18-year-old hoochies. Another series CMT missed out on? Naw, just Tenacious D’s former opening act in a hilarious combo live-onstage/taped-sketch show that could be the weirdest half-hour Comedy Central has booked since Stella. Heard from them lately?

DVD
Bandidas Yow: Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek as gun-slingin’ outlaws in 1888—it’s Butch & Sundance via Thelma & Louise, or Maxim’s Guide to the Mexican Revolution. Pure fluff, but with Cruz and Hayek throwing down the action-comedy in corsets and leather chaps, who cares? BandidasDVD.com

Idiocracy Mike Judge’s dark follow-up to Office Space you’ve never heard of, thanks to Fox anti-marketing. Luke Wilson is frozen in a military experiment, only to awaken in 2505 as the smartest man alive—because the rest of the world has gotten dumber. Cult classic or vision? IdiocracyDVD.com

The Night Listener The biggest stretch of The Night Listener might be the idea of a late-night talk-radio show that isn’t about UFOs, the Rapture or global conspiracies. Even stranger, Robin Williams is upstaged and out-creepy-ed by Toni Collette in this psychological thriller. The end must be nigh! Miramax.com

Rebelde: Season 1 The Mexican telenovela set in a private school populated with hot teens who have a band (RBD) and, apparently, free reign to modify their already skimpy uniforms. Since the DVD is subtitled, maybe gringos will finally understand what the hell they’ve been watching on Univision. Rebelde.tv

More New DVD Releases (Jan. 9) Crank, Extras: Season 1, The Illusionist, MI-5: Season 4, Stan Lee’s Lightspeed

BROADBAND
Dr. Phil: Raging Pantload Posted on YouTube.com last month, this three-minute clip defies you to determine who’s the bigger douchebag: The producer of the Bumfights video series (dressed in a cheap suit with a shaved head and mustache, admirably mocking the Doc), or Dr. Phil grandstanding and throwing him off the set (actually, security guards do the dirty work) without even beginning an interview. Let’s say it’s Dr. Phil ...