Posh Spite

Bend It Like ... Oh, Who Cares? NBC has announced a summer reality show based on the second-least-interesting person on the face of the planet, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (the first would be husband David Beckham). On the upside, this could be a signal that TV weasels have finally run out of "celebrities" to follow around with cameras and pray they fuck up (never count VH1 out, though). On the downside, well, read this from NBC:

"The series will give viewers a glimpse into what makes Victoria so popular and admired as one of the most glamorous women in the world," said NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly. "She makes news wherever she goes and our audience can now become insiders in this fascinating personal view of what being 'Posh' truly represents."

Christ, and to think I liked this guy for keeping The Office on the air. And there's more:

Said Victoria Beckham, "I am so excited to be making this show for NBC with [American Idol eee-vil mastermind] Simon Fuller. He has so much success around the world with his TV shows and the respect and trust of everybody he works with. This show is really something different, it's pushing the boundaries and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people."

Only if the eventual title for the show is Posh Spice Really CAN Wipe Her Own Ass, Vickie.

Sick, Wrong ... and Back!

Dead Sitcom Walking After a few weeks off, ABC's In Case of Emergency returns tonight, in the pre-Lost pole position. This would usually be good news, but since Lost has been (ahem) losing viewers by the millions in its new/later timeslot, it ain't going to bring a whole lotta new eyes to In Case of Emergency. Too bad, because ICE is one of the few comic surprises of the midseason, and it's all kinds of sick and wrong—in an almost It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia sort of way, at least as much as you can get away with on network TV. Observe this clip from the premiere episode, then check out the latest (wherein Jonathan Silverman gets, er, serviced by Jane Seymour—oh, Dr. Quinn!) tonight. Logic says the show won't be on for much longer ...

Dirt-y Gallo

Best. Casting. Ever. Tonight on Dirt (FX), Vincent Gallo guests as a former child star who goes batshit and takes the offices of tabloid mag DirtNow hostage. Great news for those of us who prefer Crazy Vinny (think Buffalo 66) over Morose Vinny (The Brown Bunny ... but at least somebody got something out of it, eh Vince?); Dirt is best when it's ridiculous, and it probably can't get any more ridiculous than this. Putting that out there as a dare, by the way, Courteney Cox ...

Winner & Losers

The Winner Sunday 3.4 (Fox) Series Debut: Rob Corddry (The Daily Show) is a 32-year-old video-store clerk who still lives with his parents and tells his 14-year-old pal (!) things like “I am not looking forward to doing your mom.” He’s also going get rich and win back his high-school sweetheart, or something—the story’s not important; the setup is. Unlike Fox’s recent attempts at multi-camera-with-audience sitcoms, The Winner is almost weird enough to work as well as actual funny Fox-coms from yesteryear (that would be the ‘90s, kids). The premiere episode is also loaded with enough sex jokes (including the mid-season’s second happy-ending Korean massage) to raise hackles at the ever-righteous Parents Television Council, which is more than enough reason to hang in for the show’s mere three-week run.

Dice Undisputed Sunday 3.4 (VH1) Series Debut: VH1’s work of rehabbing believed-dead celebrities is never done, hence a reality show based on Andrew Dice Clay, the comedian who’s been “banned for life” from MTV since 1989 (lucky him) and is supposedly unemployed and/or retired (not true—he’s still making bank in Las Vegas, but you can’t sell a “comeback” show with that). Now, Dice has book, an album and a Sirius radio show in the works, and no way in hell he can do it all without a camera crew and a colorful posse of morons dogging his every move. Thanks, Danny Bonaduce—thank you very fucking much.

The Class Monday 3.5 (CBS) Season Finale: No series has been screaming “I’ve changed! Really! Please love me now! Pleeeaaase!” louder than The Class, which began the season as a high-concept (OK, mid-concept) comedy about rarely-intersecting groups of characters, only to be hastily remodeled into Friends … with a few parts left over (where’d the news lady and her gay husband go?). Surprisingly, it’s still funny and holds together well—too bad more people are watching CBS’ craptastic Rules of Engagement. Don’t expect The Class to return, or hack TV critics to refrain from typing “Class dismissed!”

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Tuesday 3.6 (The CW) Series Debut: Technically, the title is The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. Also, this is technically the absolute last thing The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to say about The CW until the network kicks this skankfest to the curb and brings back Veronica Mars. Synchronize watches, and … go!

The Wedding Bells Wednesday 3.7 (Fox) Series Debut: The three Bell sisters inherit a wedding planning business after, how ironical, their parents divorce—no, it’s not a reality show, but there are still Bridezillas galore. Remember ABC’s wedding-happy Big Day? No? It was only a month ago! Anyway, The Wedding Bells is more of the same romantic-comedy fluff, with a dash of that Fox “edge” and the bonus cred of an actual Movie Star (Meet the Parents/Fockers’ Teri Polo) in the cast and one-time power producer David E. Kelley’s name in the credits. After tonight, it’s also moving to Fridays, where no one will ever see it again.

South Park Wednesday 3.7 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: The new 11th (!) season is going to have to be damned good to top the 10th, which gave us the death of Chef, Al Gore’s ManBearPig, Satan’s ultimate Halloween party, the war on Family Guy, the real 9/11 culprits and the Detroit Red Wings beating the hell out of Stan’s pee-wee hockey league, among other tragedies. With everything that happened in February pop culture alone, should be easy …

DVD
Killer Drag Queens on Dope C’mon, do you even need to know what it’s about? OK, fine: Ginger (Alexis Arquette) and Coco (Omar Alexis) are hit-men who dress like women and do lots of drugs. Want more? Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Welcome Back Kotter) as “Mr. Fly,” and roller-derby action. KillerDragQueensOnDope.com

The Return Sarah Michelle Gellar in another moody, confusing horror flick—but Buffy’s not blonde this time, which totally changes it up. Visions of a murdered woman (herself? Spooky!) point SMG to Texas for answers, but all she finds is more bad lighting and whispering kids. Boo! NBCUniversalStore.com

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny The reason it bombed at the box office: Sneaking a bong into the megaplex is problematic. For the rest of us who know Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) is the greatest band in all of rock, The Pick of Destiny is simply a well-researched, irrefutable documentary. Suck that, Al Gore. NewLine.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 27) Conversations With God, Dog the Bounty Hunter: Season 3, Dreamland, Girlfriends: Season 1, A Good Year, Reno 911: Reno’s Most Wanted, The Rockford Files: Season 3, Stranger Than Fiction

BROADBAND
The Winner Why wait for Fox to premiere Rob Corddry’s slacker sitcom when you can watch the first four episodes online right now at FamilyGuy.com? (The series is executive-produced by Seth MacFarlane and created by his bud Ricky Blitt.) Or buy all six on iTunes? Hell, Fox is going so whole-hog “multi-platform” with The Winner, they’ve probably already posted the whole series on your MySpace page. Go ahead, check.