TV Tonight: 2 Broke Girls, Charlie Brown Xmas, Mortified Sessions

 What’s new tonight:
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Caroline and Max scramble to find Chestnut (you know, the horse in the yard) a job so he’ll have somewhere warm to stay—did winter just hit New York? And how are they going to work a vagina joke into this? Meanwhile, Peach (you know, the uptown trophy mom Max babysits for) auditions for The Real Housewives of TriBeCa. Somehow, this is a Christmas episode … vagina.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (ABC) The 1965 holiday staple, now in HD! Because if there’s anything that needs high-def treatment, it’s a crudely-drawn cartoon that also looked terrible 46 years ago. Oh yeah, I ruined Christmas.

The Mortified Sessions (Sundance) Series Debut: From the stage and the page, it’s The Shoebox Sessions remade for basic cable, with host David Nadelberg digging up the past of celebrities for maximum discomfort and enlightenment. In the premiere, those celebs are Ed Helms (The Office) and Mo’Nique (Precious, the entire ‘90s UPN schedule).

Also new tonight:
You Deserve It, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); American Country Awards (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness (MTV); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Neverland (Syfy); Scouted (E!); Enlightened (HBO)

Lucy and Ethyl, er, Laverne and Shirley, uh, Max and Caroline have horse problems on 2 Broke Girls tonight:

TV Tonight: 2 Broke Girls, Gossip Girl, Bachelorette Party

What’s new tonight:
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Max and Caroline, aka the Broke Girls, throw a party at the diner to raise money for that doomed business idea they keep bringing up every episode like we care. But not just any party—a ‘90s party! If they don’t play any Jesus Jones or “Rico Suave,” we are done.

Gossip Girl (The CW) Speaking of the ‘90s, who else knew that Elizabeth Hurley became a Gossip Girl regular this season? Everybody but me? Thanks. She plays a vaguely evil (and still definitely hot) Brit cougar who runs a some kind of magazine, another throwback from the ‘90s. So I’ll be watching Gossip Girl now.

Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen) Series Debut: Combining the bitches-be-crazy attitude of The Bad Girls Club with the bitches-be-crazy attitude of Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas goes behind the scenes of a Sin City company that specializes in throwing such bashes. Scoff if you want, but the penis-cake and hangover-remedy industries would be sunk without these kinds of visionaries.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); House, Terra Nova (Fox); The Sing-Off (NBC); Hart of Dixie (The CW); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels (A&E); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

What happens in Vegas stay in the carpet on Bachelorette Party: