Endless Bummer

You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.

The PFs obviously know nothing of the excellent work filling up an insane amount of cable space this summer; most of it better than any pretentious fucking movie they’d theoretically soil themselves over on the Independent Film Channel, while The Only TV Column That Matters™ is just waiting for IFC originals The Business, Minor Accomplishments or The Henry Rollins Show. Or that flick with all the Anne Hathaway topless scenes—hey, it was in the name of Independent Art.

The PFs could never deny the high artiness of HBO’s (now canceled) John From Cincinnati, a testament at least to the network’s willingness to take a chance and blow a truckload of money on something that makes less sense than The Sopranos’ finale—was John actually Jesus? An alien? A mystical meld of Coreys Haim and Feldman? Whatever. My prediction that the increasingly intense Big Love (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26) would become HBO’s new flagship drama is looking better all the time; not so much with Entourage, which is losing it as fast as Flight of the Conchords (renewed for 2008, BTW) is gaining a cult rep as the ultimate premium-cable musical comedy. Maybe even better than Tenacious D … yeah, I said it.

The Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, a True TV reality favorite no matter what the season, dropped a 12-ton musical bombshell of its own during its current summer run: Receptionist Mary Alice’s brother is the lead singer of … Clutch! Most PFs can agree that Clutch is the greatest band in the known universe, and now they’ve gotten more airplay in 30 minutes on the Food Network than in 10 years of MTV. Suck on that.

Even Lifetime has broken its cycle of Women In Peril Who Still Manage to Be Stylish Professionals Whilst in Bitter Custody Battles With Their Abusive Trailer Park Husbands crapola this summer with Army Wives (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26), a surprisingly good military soap opera that walks a fine line between patriotism and pathos. Just overlook the fact that its record ratings inspired Lifetime to launch State of Mind and Side Order of Life, two half-assed dramas not even up to Oxygen snuff. Ouch.

Or blame TNT’s runaway hit The Closer for the basic-cable wave of ancient actresses (you know, over 40!) in tough-chick roles. Just because The Closer—a standard-issue cop drama—lucked out with Kyra Sedgwick and an equally interesting supporting cast, TNT took another shot with Holly Hunter in Saving Grace (interestingly weird show, but Hunter has to carry it), and FX handed over Damages to Glenn Close (who can’t wrangle the 85 subplots). Still, either is better than any given CSI or Law & Order, and especially TNT’s flat-line House clone Heartland.

Poor ol’ Treat Williams got stuck with that dog, while Jeffrey Donovan has nailed pure cool in USA’s killer Burn Notice (picked up for another season) and Denis Leary still delivered the goods in FX’s Rescue Me (even though the series is going utterly batshit crazy around him) throughout the summer. It ain’t fair, but at least you’re not a guest perp on Criminal Minds, Treat.

None of these guys had as much fun with a role as James Nesbitt has in BBC America’s Jekyll (series finale Saturday, Aug. 25), which has come and now almost gone with far too little notice. As smart science-fiction goes, this Jekyll & Hyde upgrade gets it as dead-on right as Sci-Fi’s lame-o Flash Gordon remake gets it painfully wrong. More on that in next week’s True TV: The summer’s most sucktastic slop. You’ll love it, ya pretentious fucks.

Stars & Stripes

Army Wives Sundays (Lifetime) I know, I know—why the hell is The Only TV Column That Matters™ watching Lifetime? Because the network has finally delivered a juicy, borderline ridiculous (and liberally patriotic!) soap opera on par with its Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives reruns (really, better than the Housewives reruns). Get this: One Wife’s Westpoint-bound teen secretly beats her—and her husband may have just been shot down in Iraq! Another Wife secretly carried surrogate twins to pay off a secret debt! Another Wife’s new hubby secretly paid off her ex to sign secret adoption papers for her kids! Another Wife’s (husband, actually) mate has returned from combat with a secret—she’s batshit crazy with secret post-war syndrome! Another … well, she’s keeping all these secrets from the Army base brass—secretly! All this, plus the secret fact that I’ll watch anything with Catherine Bell—even saw JAG once, but it’s a secret.

Last Comic Standing Wednesdays (NBC) Local Alert: Look for Salt Lake City stand-up comedian Ryan Hamilton in the early rounds—but don’t root for him to win. The only work Last Comic Standing winners can apparently get is serving as judges on future editions of Last Comic Standing or appearing on a never-ending string of “wacky” morning radio shows alongside the constantly bitching losers (also known as the Eighth Suburb of Hell). Would you really wish that on the poor guy? Didn’t think so—take a dive, Ry.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursdays (NBC) Remember that excitement about NBC allowing Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip to play out its final episodes over the summer? Over it. Waaay over it. What was originally a crackling showbiz dramedy with touches of creator Aaron Sorkin’s old West Wing zing has devolved into a painfully overextended diatribe against the Iraq war, the president, the media, the Christian Right, prescription drugs, troublesome blondes—all worthwhile targets to piss on, but damn … It’s finally over next week; I’ll apologize for ever defending Studio 60 when the rest of the critical intelligentsia does.

Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis Friday 6.22 (Sci-Fi) Series Finale/Season Finale: If only Studio 60 could manage to even be half as funny as Stargate SG-1—observe this brilliantly subtle jab at the Sci-Fi Channel from an episode a few weeks ago: Sam: “The Stargate program just doesn’t get the support it used to from the people in charge.” Jasec: “Why not?” Scientist working in background: “Eureka!” Ha! See, Sci-Fi has canceled the decade-old SG-1 but kept on fluffier fare like Eureka … never mind. Geek territory. Atlantis will, however, remain. No, I don’t know why, either.

Katie & Peter Saturday 6.23 (E!) Season Finale: Model Katie Price and singer Peter Andre are huge in Britain, where they met on a U.K. reality show. They’re dumber Nick & Jessica and shallower than Posh & Becks. E! has wasted three months of valuable airtime that could have been given to, oh, Sunset Tan on these gigantic boobs. And Peter.

Big Love: In the Beginning Sunday 6.24 (HBO) Special: Ever wonder what life was like in the early days at the Henrickson house(s)? Probably not, but this time-rewinding threesome (get it?) of 10-minute vignettes illustrates the introductions of Nikki and Margene into the polygamous family, as well as the wives pleading to have their overcrowded household split into a trio of connected homes in Sandy—to which Bill replies, understandably, “No way, no way, no way!” It’s a standard initial reaction to Sandy; the local accuracy of Big Love is uncanny.

Standoff-ish

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.