TV Tonight: Cougar Town, Ringer, Justified

What’s new tonight:
Cougar Town (ABC) Season Premiere: Finally! Ill-conceived/received ABC sitcoms like Man Up and Work It have come and died in the nine months since Cougar Town has been off the air, displaced by the equally funny Happy Endings on Wednesdays, but it’s back! Now if Courteney Cox & Co. can just overcome the Last Man Standing lead-in—Tim Allen has already killed twice; just because Cougar Town is a smart, well-written and sharply-cast comedy doesn’t guarantee he can’t take this one down, too.

Ringer (The CW) It’s Still On: In honor of Valentine’s Day, tonight’s episode of increasingly-ridiculous twins-terror soap opera Ringer is titled … “Whores Don’t Make That Much.” OK, I just might have to Tivo it …

Justified, American Horror Story (FX) … Because I’ll be at Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+) watching Justified and American Horror Story with a big-ass beer and a plate of nachos—and you can, too! Justified starts at 8 pm, followed by an Encore Presentation of the first season of American Horror Story at 9. Bring a date; it’s perfect for Valentine’s Day (and free).

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, The River, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); 19 Kids & Counting (TLC); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Dance Moms (Lifetime); Ink Master (Spike); Tosh.0, Key & Peele (Comedy Central)

Cougar Town … it’s been too long …

TV Tonight: Victoria’s Secret, Ringer, Innocent, SOA

What’s new tonight:
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (CBS) Remember when this used to be controversial? A full advertorial hour of half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies that no one will ever buy? Now, it’s just a holiday tradition, like Starbuck-induced diabetes and mistletoe panties. Oh, and don’t forget the shitty music, this year provided by Maroon 5, Kanye West and Nicki Minaj. Upside: Half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies.

Ringer (The CW) Fall Finale: Does the let’s-take-a-break-till-January episode of troubled twins drama Ringer answer any questions, foremost being “Who’s still watching Ringer?” Not really, but Sarah Michelle Gellar’s former Buffy the Vampire Slayer co-star Amber Benson (Tara!) drops in for a visit—as a Stripper With a Heart of Gold. So there’s that.

Scott Turow’s Innocent (TNT) Movie: Sure, TNT’s getting into the original “mystery movie” business about 30 years late—but Innocent … sorry, Scott Turow’s Innocent … boasts the all-star cast of Bill Pullman, Alfred Molina, Marcia Gay Harden and nasty ol’ Lorena from True Blood (Mariana Klaveno)! And it’s full of that courtroom drama your parents so enjoy.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Next-to-Last Episode: Last week, Opie let a little daylight through Clay—will he survive being shot? Will Jax and Tara finally get the fuck out of Dodge? Is it time for Big Otto to ride the lighting? Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight and watch it all unfold on the big screen at 8 pm—totally free. With beer.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); WWE Smackdown, Sanctuary (Syfy); Storage Wars (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); Covert Affairs (USA)

The intense intensity gets even intenser tonight on Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Covert Affairs, New Girl, Ringer

What’s new tonight:
Covert Affairs (USA) Fall Premiere: When last we left CIA Annie (Piper Perabo), her sister (Anne Dudek) had finally figured out Annie’s secret job and kicked her ass out of the guest house—way to be a patriot, sis. Now, Annie’s looking for a new apartment and infiltrating a Basque separatist group that’s looking to blow shit up. Conveniently, her contact within the group is a hunky Spanish dude (cue “sexy time” music).

New Girl (Fox) Return: Fox’s biggest new fall hit is back after being forced off for a month due to baseball—think everybody still remembers and just loooves quirky Zooey Deschanel? Tonight, she laughs at her naked roommate, causing wackiness to ensue, and the New Black Guy brushes up all the pop culture he missed while in “Europe” (thus, more wackiness). Also, Childrens Hospital’s Lake Bell drops by—quirky/hot overload!

Ringer (The CW) Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar), as Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar), reveals that she has a twin sister, Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Follow? And her BFF Gemma (not Sarah Michelle Gellar) is still missing and presumed dead. It’ll all make sense … eventually?

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. Fox Corp. and DirecTV have made nice, so the satellite plug won’t be pulled tonight and we won’t have to initiate Secret Plan B for the viewing. It was a solid plan, which may or may not have involved acting out SOA scenes with puppets.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); True Life, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Looks like it’s “sexy time” on Covert Affairs …

TV Tonight: Last Man Standing, Ringer, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
Last Man Standing (ABC) Series Debut: Since ABC is killing it so efficiently in the comedy department these days with Modern Family, The Middle, Happy Endings, the new Suburgatory and the currently benched Cougar Town, it’s impossible to grasp how visionless, throwback shit like Last Man Standing and Man Up (premiering next Tuesday) snuck into the mix. Tim Allen (Home Improvement—Wiki it) is the titular last man standing, a lunkhead sporting-goods-store marketing director who’s now a work-at-homer surrounded by a wife and three daughters—let the henpecking and wacky gender-specific misunderstandings commence! It’s like the ’90s and According to Jim never happened. Nancy Travis deserves better than this—not much better, but something.

Ringer (The CW) Sarah Michelle Gellar is hangin’ in there as troubled twins Siobahn and Bridget—but this conspiracy is bound come apart soon! Probably not tonight … but soon! If you’ve been wondering how long the latter ex-stripper/junkie will be able to stay off the booze and pills, however, soon is now! Don’t worry, SMG fans; The CW has already canceled H8R, so they can’t afford to lose another chunk of the schedule.

Body of Proof (ABC) This show ain’t so lucky: Sure, it’s possible that Charlie’s Angels or Pan Am could get the ax first, but ABC has to be disappointed with this Dana Delany/Jeri Ryan MILF-fest’s performance against CBS’ Unforgettable—maybe more tank-tops are the answer. Anyway, watch Body of Proof harder tonight as ME doc Megan (Delany) solves a case of waaay too many missing dead bodies—one of which should be Tim Allen’s.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Even more secrets and lies on Ringer! When will it end?

TV Tonight: Ringer, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Ringer (The CW) Series Debut: The first new show of the season! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) returns to TV as a stripper/junkie on the lam from a Wyoming(?) crime lord—wait, there’s more! When her estranged New York socialite twin sister (oh, the awkward split-screen acting) disappears after an apparent suicide, she assumes her identity and soon learns that city sis has been living in a 1980s General Hospital subplot of lies, affairs and uptight British husbands (Ioan Gruffudd). But! Is stripper sister actually being set up by socialite sister to take the fall for something even more sinister? And enough with all the mirrors—we get it. Double-life intrigue didn’t work out for last year’s spectacularly failed Lone Star, but Ringer has a certain trashy/soapy appeal that will probably carry it beyond two episodes, even though Gellar is 10 years past The CW’s demographic (and 15 past ABC Family’s, where this show really belongs).

Parenthood (NBC) Season Premiere: The first old show of the season! Now that Adam (Peter Krause) is out of a job, he considers going into the ever-so-lucrative recording studio business with Crosby (Dax Shepard). Even more unbelievable, Sarah (Lauren Graham) freaks out over turning … 40. Not to be a dick, but that is a hard 40. Meanwhile, the rest of the adults do something angsty and the kids do something adorable. Welcome to Season 3!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Clay cuts a questionable deal with the Mayans! Gemma worries that Jax may find out more about SAMCRO’s questionable past! You make the not-in-the-least questionable choice to come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 pm and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen with a bigger beer! Everybody wins.

Also new tonight:
90210 (The CW); America’s Got Talent, It’s Worth What? (NBC); Wipeout (ABC); Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); What Not to Wear, Big Sexy (TLC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Get those hankies out—Parenthood is back tonight.