TV Tonight: The League, Rules of Engagement, Private Practice

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Thanksgiving Episode: Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman guest as Ruxin’s father and Andre’s sister, respectively—who will spit out the most inappropriate, horrible things in 30 minutes or less? You’d be surprised … unless you said Silverman, then not at all.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) Speaking of 30 Minutes or Less, did you see that movie? Like the rest of ‘Merica, probably not. Allow me to do you a solid and recommend the DVD when it’s released in a couple of weeks: Rules of Engagement costar Bianca Kajlich plays a very nasty, very naked stripper grinding all up on Danny McBride (aka Kenny Fucking Powers of Eastbound & Down). You’re welcome. Oh, tonight’s Rules episode? A few misunderstandings and dick jokes, the usual.

Private Practice (ABC) Two-Hour Episode: Says here, “The doctors stage an intervention for Amelia after she returns from a 12-day drug binge with her boyfriend, Amelia bonds with an 18-year-old woman as they endure painful drug detox in rehab, and Addison collapses after rigorous fertility treatments.” Jesus, no wonder they needed two hours.

Also new tonight: 
The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

It’s Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman on The League! 

TV Tonight: How to Be a Gentleman, Private Practice, Sunny, Archer

* New True TV featuring Dexter, Homeland, Hung and American Horror Story up now at CityWeekly.net.

What’s new tonight:
How to Be a Gentleman (CBS) Series Debut: Johnny Drama from Entourage (Kevin Dillon) and Cricket from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (David Hornsby, or Mr. Emily Deschanel) star in an odd-couple sitcom about a macho slob and a prim snob who learn Valuable Life Lessons from each other—like, how it’s a good idea to have a movie and a cable comedy to fall back on when this crapfest is cancelled. If nothing else, How to Be a Gentleman will take some of that (undeserved) Worst New Sitcom heat off of Whitney.

Private Practice (ABC) Season Premiere: If there are any ABC viewers left after Charlie’s Angels tonight, they’ll get to see Dr. Addison (Kate Walsh) putting the baby-maker moves on Benjamin Bratt. Your mom will enjoy that; Benjamin Bratt, well, it’s a paycheck.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) The gang attempts to out-creep Toddlers & Tiaras tonight with “Frank’s Little Beauties,” a children’s pageant gone horribly, horribly wrong. So it’ll probably be picked up for a full season by TLC within the hour.

Archer (FX) Mini-Season Finale: The “Heart of Archness” trilogy comes to an end to make way for the return of The League next week—relax, Archer will return with a real season early 2012. Will Archer’s reign as a pirate king-turned-prisoner of war conclude without dismemberment or death? Sure, if Mallory pays the ransom … oh, shit.

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway, Dance Moms, Russian Dolls (Lifetime); Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo); NTSF:SD:SUV (Adult Swim); Jersey Shore (MTV)

How to Be a Gentleman is a comedy—no, really:

Chuck You

Chuck, Journeyman Monday, Sept. 24 (NBC) Series Debuts: This is not another hack piece about how the new fall season is all “geeked” out. Damn, TV critics are a creative lot. The titular Chuck of NBC’s new Heroes lead-in works at Buy More (think Best Buy) in the tech-troubleshooting Nerd Herd (think Geek Squad), so of course he’s a girlfriend-free underachiever—until he accidentally downloads the entirety of America’s secret intelligence into his brain via an e-mail (just go with it) and bam! Instant Alias, with clip-on ties instead of wigs. Chuck takes the average-dude-in-over-his-head comedy of Andy Barker P.I. (remember that?) to a new level—the first episode’s chase scenes could be the most hysterically intricate ever shot for television—and nails the balance of smart comedy and sweet charm, not to mention killer action. As for NBC’s new time-travelin’ sci-fi drama Journeyman … at least it’s better than Day Break (I know you don’t remember that).

The Big Bang Theory Monday, Sept. 24 (CBS) Series Debut: Hyper-intelligent geeks struggle to meet hot girls; middling comedy ensues. On the upside, The Big Bang Theory actually makes Rules of Engagement seem funny an hour later—score, CBS!

Cane Tuesday, Sept. 25 (CBS) Series Debut: Jimmy Smits presides over a Cuban-American family’s sugar and rum empire in Florida; middling soap-opera drama and intrigue ensue. CBS has promoted Cane with Mojito-flavored lick-strips in magazines, so at least one original idea has come from all of this.

Reaper Tuesday, Sept. 25 (The CW) Series Debut: Another nerdy guy toiling away in a big-box store is thrust into extraordinary circumstances—similarities to Chuck don’t quite end there; instead of being forced to moonlight for the government, Reaper’s Sam has new gig with Satan. Tomato, tomato. But, whereas Chuck star Zachary Levi carries his show with confident ease, Reaper’s Bret Harrison (late of Fox’s The Loop) is upstaged at every turn by slacker bud Sock (Invasion’s Tyler Labine) and the Devil (Twin Peaks’ Ray Wise), who bought Sam’s soul before he was even born—enough about Britney being a bad parent—and now employs him to hunt down escaped Hell-ions. Reaper has a funny, crackerjack Kevin Smith-directed pilot ep, but is it too smart for the viewers of lead-in Beauty & the Geek? Oh, hell yes.

Private Practice, Dirty Sexy Money Wednesday, Sept. 26 (ABC) Series Debuts: Ever seen Kate Walsh on a talk show? Hi-larious. She’s also probably more capable of carrying a show than anyone back on Grey’s Anatomy, from whence Private Practice spun-off last spring in a lame tentative “pilot” episode. Fortunately, the final Addison-does-Cali product is far better, and this is coming from a guy who hates Grey’s Anatomy. I mean, really, really hates Grey’s Anatomy. Oh, and ABC didn’t send me Dirty Sexy Money, so fuck it.

The Bionic Woman, Life Wednesday, Sept. 26 (NBC) Series Debuts: The good news: The Bionic Woman lives up to nearly all of its Battlestar Galactica-pedigreed buzz. The bad news: That buzz is limited to the relatively small audience of Galactica (sorry, not everybody reads your blog), and Michelle Ryan’s performance in the title role is so stiff you may wonder if she’s not entirely circuitry and silicone. The best news: Matters not, because The Bionic Woman is dark, taut, action-packed and riveting every second that Battlestar Galactica’s Katee Sackhoff appears onscreen as the first bionic woman who’s gone rogue and quite insane. She’s out to kill her 2.0, and The Only TV Column That Matters™ is rooting for her—I wanna see that series. I don’t, however, want to see another cop show. Life is another cop show. Ergo …