TV Tonight: Modern Fucking Family, American Idol, Royal Pains

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) The Golden Globe-winning sitcom returns with Baby Lily saying “fuck” (actually an implied/bleeped version of “fudge”). Even though the fucking episode has yet to air, some fucking moral crusaders are trying to stop it—like that’s going to fucking happen. Grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and let ABC thank you for all of the fucking free publicity, you fucking pussies.

American Idol (Fox) Season Premiere: Oh, and fuck this show, while we’re at it.

Royal Pains (USA) Winter Premiere: The other, non-Revenge Hamptons series returns, as Dr. Hank attends a “divorce party” to keep the party planner alive, and rich guy Kassabian is at death’s door (again). Overall, the Hamptons seems like a pretty dangerous place.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); True Life (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); The Soup (E!)

Couldn’t find a fucking Modern Family clip, so here’s some new Royal Pains: 

TV Tonight: ANTM, Modern Family, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars (The CW) Season Finale: Will the Cycle 17 winner be crazy Lisa, ghetto Angelea or weird Allison (above)? Since Lisa is too obvious and Angelea is too terrible (seriously, how did she get this far?), let’s go with Allison. Keep in mind, I haven’t correctly picked a winner since Cycle 1—don’t bet on my choice, compulsive gamblers.

Modern Family (ABC) Christmas Episode: In order to expedite the holidays, everyone is assigned tasks: Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree; Gloria does the ornaments; Jay and Cameron wrap presents; Phil, Claire and Manny … seem to be missing from the chore list. Am I the only one thinking sexy road trip with Manny running the camera? Yeah, probably.

American Horror Story (FX) Not Even Close to a Christmas Episode—It’s Titled “Smoldering Children”: Violet (and we) finally learn the house’s ghost rules, so everything is going to make complete sense now. Also, a little more backstory on Larry’s burnt face, and Constance is hauled in by the cops for questioning. All I want to know is, will Mena Suvari (mrrrow) be sticking around as the Black Dahlia? And where exactly are these “smoldering children,” anyway?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Psych (USA); The Soup (E!)

So WT Fuck is going on in this America’s Next Top Model finale promo? And why is ANTM still not in HD?

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: Revenge, Modern Family, Psych

What’s new tonight:
Revenge (ABC) At the rate wronged Emily/Amanda (Emily VanCamp) is burning through those who once fucked her over, does Revenge have a 13-22 episode lifespan? Blondie is gettin’ business done. Stands to reason Victoria (Madeline Stowe) will be saved for last; tonight, E/A goes after the therapist who institutionalized her as a child—because, obviously, that did no good.

Modern Family (ABC) An hour before that, Claire (Julie Bowen) decides to run for city council … So, who thinks this is a terrible, terrible idea? OK, that’s everybody. At the very least, maybe this foray into public politics will prompt Claire to finally buy a bra that can effectively control the girls. I’m just sayin’: A sitcom with Family in the title shouldn’t contain this much RT every week.

Psych (USA) Season Premiere: Tell your mom and her cats that the mean streets of Santa Barbara are safe once again: Shawn and Gus are back on the job! Or whatever it is they call it. Fun Fact: Tonight’s Psych murder case involves TV’s 6,000th Star Wars reference. This month.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); American Horror Story (FX)

Is that Malcolm McDowell on tonight’s Psych? Yes, it is …