TV Tonight: Sons of Anarchy, Covert Affairs, New Girl, Moonshiners

What’s new tonight:
Sons of Anarchy (FX) Season Finale: It’s all going down tonight! Jax has to finish the gun deal with the Irish, keep Opie from trying to kill Clay again, keep himself from killing Clay, get Tara and the kids outta Charming, find Bobby and Juice, keep himself from killing Clay, etc.—a whole lotta drama to squeeze into an hour. Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 and watch all said drama unfold on the big screen with a big beer or five. Beginning Tuesday, Jan. 17, True TV, City Weekly and Brewvies will present the next great FX drama, Justified, every Tuesday night—free, of course.

Covert Affairs (USA) Season Finale: Annie (the spy) and Danielle (the sister) take a nice vacation in Sweden—until Danielle is mistaken for a spy (?). Much running and frantic just-get-a-room-already phone calls to Auggie ensue.

New Girl (Fox) Jess asks her dude roommates for some advice for getting it on with her new “boyfriend” Paul (guest star Justin Long). In the real world, this advice would be filthy as hell and involve sex acts that would make even porn stars wince. In New Girl world, it’s just quirky and adorable (I am not using the word “adorkable” ever again).

Moonshiners (Discovery) Series Debut: Yes, even the cable channels once dedicated to science and academia are filling up with reality shows about rednecks doin’ redneck shit—as you may have guessed, Moonshiners is all about illegal hooch-makers runnin’ afoul of the law. Up next, stay tuned for Critter-Guttin’ and Incest Is Best.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); A Michael Buble Christmas, The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Haven: Holiday Specials (Syfy); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)

Looks to be another happily-ever-after ending for Sons of Anarchy tonight …

TV Tonight: Victoria’s Secret, Ringer, Innocent, SOA

What’s new tonight:
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (CBS) Remember when this used to be controversial? A full advertorial hour of half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies that no one will ever buy? Now, it’s just a holiday tradition, like Starbuck-induced diabetes and mistletoe panties. Oh, and don’t forget the shitty music, this year provided by Maroon 5, Kanye West and Nicki Minaj. Upside: Half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies.

Ringer (The CW) Fall Finale: Does the let’s-take-a-break-till-January episode of troubled twins drama Ringer answer any questions, foremost being “Who’s still watching Ringer?” Not really, but Sarah Michelle Gellar’s former Buffy the Vampire Slayer co-star Amber Benson (Tara!) drops in for a visit—as a Stripper With a Heart of Gold. So there’s that.

Scott Turow’s Innocent (TNT) Movie: Sure, TNT’s getting into the original “mystery movie” business about 30 years late—but Innocent … sorry, Scott Turow’s Innocent … boasts the all-star cast of Bill Pullman, Alfred Molina, Marcia Gay Harden and nasty ol’ Lorena from True Blood (Mariana Klaveno)! And it’s full of that courtroom drama your parents so enjoy.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Next-to-Last Episode: Last week, Opie let a little daylight through Clay—will he survive being shot? Will Jax and Tara finally get the fuck out of Dodge? Is it time for Big Otto to ride the lighting? Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight and watch it all unfold on the big screen at 8 pm—totally free. With beer.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); WWE Smackdown, Sanctuary (Syfy); Storage Wars (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); Covert Affairs (USA)

The intense intensity gets even intenser tonight on Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Dancing With the Stars, Workaholics, SOA

What’s new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Two-Hour Season Finale: So this shit is finally over—is Nancy Grace still in the running/hoofing? No? Then I really don’t care. Even worse, DWTS is bumping Body of Proof, ABC’s only non-crap Tuesday series, tonight. At least I still have …

Workaholics (Comedy Central) Season Finale: In a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode, the guys decide to spend Turkey Day at Hedonism II, thus ensuring half-naked babes and drunken debauchery—if Blake can score a passport in six hours, that is.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) After finding daddy Piney dead last week, Opie’s out to fuck somebody up tonight! And it’s Clay! Maybe Jax, too! Hell, he may kill all of SAMCRO and next season it’ll just be the Opie & Otto Show. If Otto survives this one, that is. Come watch it all blow up on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars (A&E); Covert Affairs (USA)

Opie’s on the rampage and Tara’s in trouble on tonight’s Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: New Girl, Body of Proof, Tosh.0, SOA

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TV Tonight: Glee, 90210, Parenthood

What’s new tonight:
Glee (Fox) Sure, I gave up on Glee looong ago—but they’ve pissed off the Parents Television Council this week, so I’m back for the moment. How’d they do it? Everybody’s losing their virginity tonight! How dare Fox have 30-year-old actors portraying teenagers having sex?! Not only are Rachel and Finn popping their cherries together, but so are Blaine and Kurt—and they’re both boys! No wonder the PTC is shitting themselves! Let’s not forget the real victim here: McKinley High is murdering West Side Story tonight, as well.

90210 (The CW) The gang vacates the 90210 and heads to Las Vegas, where they meet celebrities, get invited to play in poker tournaments and marry each other—you know, like you do in Vegas. Somewhere in here, there’s also a “country music superstar” named … Judd Ridge.

Parenthood (NBC) Sarah’s failed-rock-star ex (failed-rock-star-go-to-guy John Corbett) crashes at the apartment after getting out of rehab, and daughter Amber finally realizes what a dick he is—you know, as most sober people are. In far more important developments, tonight’s Parenthood is quite boob-tacular (see promo video below). Tits ahoy!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Covert Affairs (USA); The Heart She Holler (Adult Swim)

Parenthood is bustin’ out all over the place tonight …

TV Tonight: Covert Affairs, New Girl, Ringer

What’s new tonight:
Covert Affairs (USA) Fall Premiere: When last we left CIA Annie (Piper Perabo), her sister (Anne Dudek) had finally figured out Annie’s secret job and kicked her ass out of the guest house—way to be a patriot, sis. Now, Annie’s looking for a new apartment and infiltrating a Basque separatist group that’s looking to blow shit up. Conveniently, her contact within the group is a hunky Spanish dude (cue “sexy time” music).

New Girl (Fox) Return: Fox’s biggest new fall hit is back after being forced off for a month due to baseball—think everybody still remembers and just loooves quirky Zooey Deschanel? Tonight, she laughs at her naked roommate, causing wackiness to ensue, and the New Black Guy brushes up all the pop culture he missed while in “Europe” (thus, more wackiness). Also, Childrens Hospital’s Lake Bell drops by—quirky/hot overload!

Ringer (The CW) Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar), as Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar), reveals that she has a twin sister, Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Follow? And her BFF Gemma (not Sarah Michelle Gellar) is still missing and presumed dead. It’ll all make sense … eventually?

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. Fox Corp. and DirecTV have made nice, so the satellite plug won’t be pulled tonight and we won’t have to initiate Secret Plan B for the viewing. It was a solid plan, which may or may not have involved acting out SOA scenes with puppets.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); True Life, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Looks like it’s “sexy time” on Covert Affairs …

TV Tonight: Flip Men, Rachel Zoe Project, Zombies

What’s new tonight:
Flip Men (Spike) Series Debut: Filling (spackling?) the Salt Lake City-based TV series void left by Big Love, Doug Clark and Mike Baird are the Flip Men, entrepreneurs who buy foreclosed houses that could require a little clean-up for resale, or contain “a biohazard, a meth lab or a squatter who just doesn’t want to leave” (bet on one of those; this is Spike, not HGTV). Flip Men also bridges the reality-TV gap between the 385 home-improvement shows and the 429 blue-collar-underbelly shows currently clogging cable and, along with the new Auction Hunters that precedes it, makes the case that maybe Spike wants out of the dude-tube business and would rather be A&E. So, why does there always have to be a skinny one and a bald fat one on these shows?

The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo) Season Finale: It’s Rachel’s first day back at work—but she can’t leave baby Skyler at home! Solution: Bring the show, er, baby, along to a photo shoot. Will Rachel and Rodger (with a “d,” natch) find a way to balance company and family? Only if there’s a fifth season next year—otherwise, that brat’s going on eBay.

Zombies: A Living History (History) Special: A look at the facts (yes, there are some) behind zombies, not just a cheap way for the former History Channel to cash in. Not at all. The legends of Gilgamesh, Vikings, primitive Haiti, the Bible and more are all here, doubters!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. After this week, DirecTV (Brewvies’ satellite provider) may drop FX and all other Fox channels over yet another money dispute; don’t know there’ll be an SOA showing next Tuesday. Read showrunner Kurt Sutter’s love letter to DirecTV here.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Auction Hunters (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Preview: Enjoy Sons of Anarchy while you can, DirecTVers ...

TV Tonight: Last Man Standing, Ringer, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
Last Man Standing (ABC) Series Debut: Since ABC is killing it so efficiently in the comedy department these days with Modern Family, The Middle, Happy Endings, the new Suburgatory and the currently benched Cougar Town, it’s impossible to grasp how visionless, throwback shit like Last Man Standing and Man Up (premiering next Tuesday) snuck into the mix. Tim Allen (Home Improvement—Wiki it) is the titular last man standing, a lunkhead sporting-goods-store marketing director who’s now a work-at-homer surrounded by a wife and three daughters—let the henpecking and wacky gender-specific misunderstandings commence! It’s like the ’90s and According to Jim never happened. Nancy Travis deserves better than this—not much better, but something.

Ringer (The CW) Sarah Michelle Gellar is hangin’ in there as troubled twins Siobahn and Bridget—but this conspiracy is bound come apart soon! Probably not tonight … but soon! If you’ve been wondering how long the latter ex-stripper/junkie will be able to stay off the booze and pills, however, soon is now! Don’t worry, SMG fans; The CW has already canceled H8R, so they can’t afford to lose another chunk of the schedule.

Body of Proof (ABC) This show ain’t so lucky: Sure, it’s possible that Charlie’s Angels or Pan Am could get the ax first, but ABC has to be disappointed with this Dana Delany/Jeri Ryan MILF-fest’s performance against CBS’ Unforgettable—maybe more tank-tops are the answer. Anyway, watch Body of Proof harder tonight as ME doc Megan (Delany) solves a case of waaay too many missing dead bodies—one of which should be Tim Allen’s.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Even more secrets and lies on Ringer! When will it end?

TV Tonight: The Onion News Network!

What’s new tonight:
The Onion News Network (IFC) Season Premiere: Comedy Central’s Onion SportsDome may have tanked, but IFC’s Onion News Network lives to see a second season—likely due to the commanding news presence of one Brooke Alvarez (played amazingly straight-faced by Suzanne Sena, a former real reporter for E! and Fox News). She can even sell The End Of The World effectively: Tonight’s lead story is “Doomsday 2011,” an asteroid hurtling toward Earth that will surely obliterate us all; naturally, you get Ice-T and wife Coco to weigh in on the import of the event. After The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, ONN is all the news you need.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom (MTV); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E)

Kiss your ass goodbye with The Onion News Network: 

TV Tonight: Unforgettable, New Girl, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Unforgettable (CBS) Now we see if the second episode of the cop-adjacent show formerly known as The Rememberer lives up to the promise of the first—since the first wasn’t all that great, the bar ain’t high. On tonight’s Unforgettable, ex-cop-turned-tank-top-wearing-consultant Carrie Wells (Poppy Montgomery) helps a young boy recall the details of a murder he witnessed—which brings up her own painful memories of her sister’s death. But, if Carrie remembers everything she’s ever experienced, anyway, shouldn’t she be over it by now? This show is way complex …

New Girl (Fox) Since Damon Wayans Jr. nor anyone else expected ABC’s Happy Endings to get a second season (which kicks off tomorrow night), he shot last week’s pilot of New Girl. So tonight, Zooey Deschanel and the two other dudes get a new black roommate! It’s gonna be awkward yet adorable!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) In tonight’s ep, SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original) meets up with SAMTAZ, a Tucson chapter—are you going to argue over the missing “C”? Didn’t think so. As always, you can come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen (in HD!) with a big beer (in mugs!), totally free at 8 pm.

Also new tonight:
NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

The shit’s going down on Sons of Anarchy—you know, as usual …

TV Tonight: Ringer, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Ringer (The CW) Series Debut: The first new show of the season! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) returns to TV as a stripper/junkie on the lam from a Wyoming(?) crime lord—wait, there’s more! When her estranged New York socialite twin sister (oh, the awkward split-screen acting) disappears after an apparent suicide, she assumes her identity and soon learns that city sis has been living in a 1980s General Hospital subplot of lies, affairs and uptight British husbands (Ioan Gruffudd). But! Is stripper sister actually being set up by socialite sister to take the fall for something even more sinister? And enough with all the mirrors—we get it. Double-life intrigue didn’t work out for last year’s spectacularly failed Lone Star, but Ringer has a certain trashy/soapy appeal that will probably carry it beyond two episodes, even though Gellar is 10 years past The CW’s demographic (and 15 past ABC Family’s, where this show really belongs).

Parenthood (NBC) Season Premiere: The first old show of the season! Now that Adam (Peter Krause) is out of a job, he considers going into the ever-so-lucrative recording studio business with Crosby (Dax Shepard). Even more unbelievable, Sarah (Lauren Graham) freaks out over turning … 40. Not to be a dick, but that is a hard 40. Meanwhile, the rest of the adults do something angsty and the kids do something adorable. Welcome to Season 3!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Clay cuts a questionable deal with the Mayans! Gemma worries that Jax may find out more about SAMCRO’s questionable past! You make the not-in-the-least questionable choice to come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 pm and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen with a bigger beer! Everybody wins.

Also new tonight:
90210 (The CW); America’s Got Talent, It’s Worth What? (NBC); Wipeout (ABC); Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); What Not to Wear, Big Sexy (TLC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Get those hankies out—Parenthood is back tonight.