TV Tonight: The League, Rules of Engagement, Private Practice

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Thanksgiving Episode: Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman guest as Ruxin’s father and Andre’s sister, respectively—who will spit out the most inappropriate, horrible things in 30 minutes or less? You’d be surprised … unless you said Silverman, then not at all.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) Speaking of 30 Minutes or Less, did you see that movie? Like the rest of ‘Merica, probably not. Allow me to do you a solid and recommend the DVD when it’s released in a couple of weeks: Rules of Engagement costar Bianca Kajlich plays a very nasty, very naked stripper grinding all up on Danny McBride (aka Kenny Fucking Powers of Eastbound & Down). You’re welcome. Oh, tonight’s Rules episode? A few misunderstandings and dick jokes, the usual.

Private Practice (ABC) Two-Hour Episode: Says here, “The doctors stage an intervention for Amelia after she returns from a 12-day drug binge with her boyfriend, Amelia bonds with an 18-year-old woman as they endure painful drug detox in rehab, and Addison collapses after rigorous fertility treatments.” Jesus, no wonder they needed two hours.

Also new tonight: 
The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

It’s Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman on The League! 

TV Tonight: Rules of Engagement, Vampire Diaries, Dave’s Old Porn

What’s new tonight:
Rules of Engagement (CBS) Season Premiere: After months of CBS threatening to premiere the new season on Saturdays after giving its previous timeslot to How to Be a Gentleman, everything’s flipped for Rules of Engagement! Gentlemen was sent off to Saturdays, then just killed off altogether, and Rules moves back into the post-Big Bang Theory slot tonight. What does it all mean? Rules of Engagement is the Keith Richards of sitcoms, reliably cranking out the riffs and lasting longer than science or pop culture dared ever imagine. Oh, and it’s usually funny—good quality in a sitcom.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Speaking of funny, it’s come to my attention that there’s now a Vampire Diaries character who’s both a vampire AND a werewolf. WT Fuck? Anyway, the gang starts their senor year at Mystic Falls High tonight, and there’s sure to be no drama whatsoever.

Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway (Lifetime); Jersey Shore (MTV); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Gigolos (Showtime)

Rules of Engagement is back on Thursdays—tell your dad, and Patrick Warburton.

Minimum P.I.

Andy Barker P.I. Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Remember Andy Richter Controls the Universe, a funny-as-hell 2004 Fox sitcom that was unceremoniously canceled for being funny as hell? Or Quintuplets, a lousy-as-hell Fox sitcom that met with the same fate in 2005? Good news: Andy Richter’s latest is neither too funny nor too lousy—and it’s not even on Fox! Andy Barker P.I., starring Richter as a bored strip-mall accountant who stumbles into a more exciting career as a private eye (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets The Office”), plays it safe in comparison to its Thursday-night NBC neighbors, going for endearing over edgy (even Arrested Development’s Tony “Buster” Hale takes it down a notch or 12 here) at a leisurely comic pace. It’s solid, but you won’t lacerate yourself laughing at it, unlike, say …

Raines Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Jeff Goldblum is a Los Angeles detective who sees and converses with dead crime victims (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets Medium”). Once more: Jeff Goldblum is a detective; never mind the corpse hallucinations—that’s comedy! Naturally, his unorthodox ways piss off his Exasperated Captain to no end and keep his Hot Therapist (Madeline Stowe—where’s she been?) intrigued. Goldblum’s Michael Raines is also crazy(er) about ‘40s cop noir, thus giving the show an oldies hue that would make it a passable partner for Monk on cable. Since NBC is moving/dooming Raines to the Friday-night dead zone after its debut, maybe that’s the plan.

October Road Thursday 3.15 (ABC) Series Debut: Big-city writer moves back to his small Northeastern hometown after 10 years away to get back in touch with his roots or some such bullshit … do we really need another one of these? Apparently, yes. Dead parent? Check. Ex-girlfriend who still carries a torch and may have had his son? Ditto. Quirky old friends who haven’t changed a bit? You betcha. Mental laundry basket full of regrets to assuage and loose ends to tie up? Oh, what the fuck do you think?! Welcome to What About Brian’s Garden State.

The Showbiz Show With David Spade Thursday 3.15 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: There are still some of us who aren’t so over David Spade’s snarkier-than-thou shtick—I know; I can hardly believe it, either. Sure, his sitcom work always comes across like a rabid ferret trapped in a bunny cage (see Just Shoot Me, 8 Simple Rules and the current Rules of Engagement), but Spade is in his element mocking Hollywood, hosting The Showbiz Show with the borderline-hostile disinterest of a guy who’d much rather be at the strip club (The Only TV Column That Matters™ can relate—but maybe they have Wi-Fi there). Now if only there were something ridiculous going on in showbiz right now …

Dancing With the Stars Monday 3.19 (ABC) Season Premiere: I said ridiculous, not sad and ‘tarded.

Rules of Engagement Monday 3.19 (CBS) Season Finale: Didn’t I predict this would die a quick and unnoticed death last month? Mark this—it’s one of those rare occasions where I was (!) wrong. Not that Rules of Engagement doesn’t still suck; it just caught on strangely better than other sitcoms of equal suckatude. It’s all Patrick Warburton—he’s carrying this dead, rotting llama all alone on his hulking shoulders and lush eyebrows (Peter Gallagher of The O.C., you’ve been replaced). The Artist Formerly Known as Puddy kills with the delivery of a single line; my personal favorite (to co-star David Spade): “Aren’t you due back in Paris Hilton’s handbag?” Yeah, I could stand another round of this, CBS.

DVD
Casino Royale James Bond goes all Batman Begins with a dark, gritty prequel that renders almost half of the original 007 flicks flaccid and useless. Daniel Craig is a bad-ass new Bond who takes care of business (even if the plot is slightly simplistic) without the gear and the license to kill—yes, really. SonyPictures.com

The Holiday If you pair one of the worst actresses ever (Cameron Diaz) with one of the best (Kate Winslet), does it balance out? Hard to tell if you’ve already gouged you eyes out, which is the only logical reaction to this craptastic romantic comedy if your I.Q. cracks the 3-digit mark. If not, enjoy. SonyPictures.com

The Pretender 2001/Island of the Haunted While 2001 wrapped The Pretender (one of the great unsung action-dramas of the ‘90s) nicely post-cancellation, Island of the Haunted was a needless mess on par with The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island. Still, any Miss Parker is better than no Miss Parker. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.13) Bosom Buddies: Season 1, Lovewrecked, Shortbus, TTW: Topless Tapioca Wrestling, Without a Trace: Season 2

BROADBAND
The Office Jonesing for The Office while it’s in reruns? Hey, who isn’t? NBC.com has enough outtakes and Web exclusives to almost piece together an extra season, as well as interviews with the regulars (including Andy and Karen—oh, quit hatin’) and, currently, recent guest director Joss Whedon. The best, however, has to be actress/writer Mindy Kaling (Kelly) stepping out of hyper-annoying mode, if not Jenna Fischer artfully side-stepping the Big Pam/Jim Question.