TV Tonight: Modern Fucking Family, American Idol, Royal Pains

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) The Golden Globe-winning sitcom returns with Baby Lily saying “fuck” (actually an implied/bleeped version of “fudge”). Even though the fucking episode has yet to air, some fucking moral crusaders are trying to stop it—like that’s going to fucking happen. Grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and let ABC thank you for all of the fucking free publicity, you fucking pussies.

American Idol (Fox) Season Premiere: Oh, and fuck this show, while we’re at it.

Royal Pains (USA) Winter Premiere: The other, non-Revenge Hamptons series returns, as Dr. Hank attends a “divorce party” to keep the party planner alive, and rich guy Kassabian is at death’s door (again). Overall, the Hamptons seems like a pretty dangerous place.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); True Life (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); The Soup (E!)

Couldn’t find a fucking Modern Family clip, so here’s some new Royal Pains: 

TV Tonight: Jon Benjamin Has a Van, Royal Pains

What’s new tonight:
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (Comedy Central) Season/Possible Series Finale: Bizarre till the end, Jon Benjamin’s “newsmagazine show” probably has little shot at a second season—but at least he still has Archer and Bob’s Burgers, right? Tonight, Benjamin and his van investigate a Christian sect that believes, quite strongly, that Jesus smoked a pipe (led by Bob Odenkirk, a cult head who’s predicted The End of The World a mere 14 times). Think Nightline or 20/20 would ever dare tackle that? Do the right thing, Comedy Central.

Royal Pains (USA) Awkward Guest-Spot Alert: As you may or may not know, USA is owned by the same corporate overlords as Syfy, Bravo, Oxygen, MSNBC, CNBC, E!, Style, G4, Telemundo … whew … and a struggling little network called NBC. So of course Matt Lauer of The Today Show couldn’t say no to guesting on Royal Pains as Matt Lauer—on The Today Show, no less. Meh. Get Ann Curry on The Bad Girls Club—then I’ll be interested.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (CBS); So You Think You Can Dance (Fox); Minute to Win It, America’s Got Talent, Love In the Wild (NBC); Hot in Cleveland, Happily Divorced (TV Land); Ghost Hunters Int’l, Legend Quest (Syfy); Necessary Roughness (USA); Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Rescue Me (FX)

Preview: Behold a miracle of cross-corporate clusterfuck promotion for Royal Pains: