Habeas Corpses

Drive Monday 7.16 (MySpace.com/DriveOnFox) Series Finale: Watch in online, suckers. Unless Fox changes their mind again. Could happen.

Standoff Friday 7.20 (Fox) Series Finale: It’s canceled, have a nice closure—Drive fans do not feel your pain. Lesson learned: Standoff was cool series while it lasted, but now you’ve got to go back out into that great big world and never trust Fox again! Run, baby, run! Don’t look back …

Hex Saturday 7.21 (BBC America) Series Finale: Since the series is/was a British knockoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, will it end on a happy evil-is-vanquished note (a la Buffy) or a dark the-battle-has-just-begun atonal chord (a la Buffy spin-off Angel)? Good news, you depressive Angel fans: The Hex finale is really the soft opening for The End of Days, replete with blood, hellfire and other sexy goodness. Also, like Angel, Season 2 (which already aired in England two years ago, lest you accuse me of plot-spoilage) has been more twisty fun than its predecessor, thanks mostly to new lead Ella (Laura Pyper), who’s as oddly magnetic as last season’s heroine Cassie was pretty ‘n’ dull. Now all we need is a spin-off sitcom: Thelma the Lesbian Ghost.

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Sunday 7.22 (Adult Swim) Series Finale: Grim week—everything’s ending! Saddest of all is the demise of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, an Adult Swim staple since the late-night block launched in 2000. Not only does Harvey have the coolest theme song (“Do you reeeally want to feel him?”), it’s probably the fastest-paced 15 minutes ever produced for TV; it’s a wonder the average Adult Swim stoner could keep up with the gags. The final episode, in which our depressed and boozed-up hero is forced to retry all of his previous cases, stretches to 30 minutes and is entitled … “The Death of Harvey.” Now that’s closure.

Saving Grace Monday 7.23 (TNT) Series Debut: The Summer of Tough TV Broads continues with Holly Hunter as a hard-living Oklahoma City detective whose life is on Harvey Birdman-like skids until she goes drunk-driving and runs down some poor sap on the road—suddenly, a redneck angel appears to her with a plan for a better life. The Morality Police will probably miss that Advantages of Drunk Driving PSA as they’re losing their shit over Saving Grace’s graphic (even for cable) sex and language, but for you regular folk (read: heathens), this is a strange series worth checking out—and it beats the hell out of House Lite, er, Heartland, TNT’s other potential new Closer companion.

Damages Tuesday 7.24 (FX) Series Debut: Nothing screams Edgy Programming like … Glenn Close and Ted Danson? Believe it. Damages is an over-the-top Legal Drama—capital L, capital D, starring Close as a courtroom version of The Shield’s Vic MacKay in heels and a power pantsuit: All grit, few morals. Damn, now I miss Harvey Birdman even more …

But ... Pirates

Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.

The Starter Wife Thursday 5.31 (USA) Miniseries Debut: If you haven’t heard about this one, you don’t have cable—or TV, or sensory perception. The USA Network has never promoted an event as heavily as The Starter Wife, a four-hour-that-coulda-been-two miniseries starring Ned & Stacey’s (sorry, Will & Grace’s) Debra Messing as the just-dumped spouse of a Hollywood power weasel trying to find herself with the help of her friends (one cynical, one sweet, one gay—bases covered) and zippy one-liners (“Of course I’m cranky! I haven’t eaten for 12 years!”). The irony of 38-year-old Messing playing a 40-something in a pseudo-commentary on Hollywood’s treatment of older women aside, The Starter Wife is hyper-colorful fun that nicely balances laughs and Touching Moments, even when you know exactly where it’s headed (Will she find happiness with a younger/hotter man than her douchebag husband? Duh. Is the guy who played Will unemployable?). This may also be Messing’s I’m-Not-Grace breakout role—but she’ll always be Stacey to me.

Hex Saturday 6.2 (BBC America) Season Premiere: It didn’t make much sense, but last year’s BBC America run of the addictive British supernatural series Hex at least kept you asking, “What’s going to happen next? And what just happened now?” Nutshell: Unpopular schoolgirl gains witch-y powers, her lesbian roommate is killed by a hunky demon, said roommate remains as a wisecracking ghost, together they must battle the minions of Satan—and possibly a cease-and-desist order from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s lawyers. In the second and final season, Unpopular Girl is dead and a centuries-old demon-hunting witch has taken her place; wisecracking and rampant sex (hey, it’s cable—and British) continue unabated.

Entourage Sunday 6.3 (HBO) Season Finale: In a network first, HBO won’t make you wait two years for the next season of a series: Entourage’s fourth will begin on June 17—never mind the long-ass break in this third season and just go with it. That said, not much of a cliffhanger here: Does anyone really think Medellin is ever going to get made? And am I the only one concerned about how easy it was for Drama to storm into The Hollywood Reporter’s offices a few weeks ago and confront a TV critic? No? Just me, then … Drama rules!

The Riches Monday 6.4 (FX) Season Finale: FX has granted second seasons to Dirt (eh) and The Riches (woo-hoo!), but only the latter earned it—and with far less hype. The Riches, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver as gypsy grifters posing as wealthy suburbanites living on the edge of being found out, has evolved quietly from quirky setup to societal-class study without getting (too) preachy about it. Izzard’s Wayne/Doug, originally the optimistic Man With a Plan, has become a broken “lawyer,” while Driver’s Dahlia/Cherien, at first a druggy wreck, is looking more and more like the only “Rich” who’ll be able to hold the family and the scam together. As with the first season of the like-minded Big Love, The Riches’ first closes with the threat of exposure; also similarly, that’s the least of their problems.

The Shield Tuesday 6.5 (FX) Season Finale: Don’t we end every season of The Shield saying “the shit’s all coming down, man!”? Well … the shit’s all coming down, man!