TV Tonight: Psych, Barbara Walters, Lady Hoggers, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Psych (USA) Season Finale: Shawn and Juliet’s romantic getaway (at “Neil Simon’s Lovers Retreat,” one might gather from the episode title) is wrecked by a robbery, a murder and Shawn’s premature ejaculation … no, wait, just the first two. They’ve learned to work around the other thing.

Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 (ABC) Would you believe, the Kardashians, Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family), Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry and Pippa Middleton? That doesn’t even add up to 10! WT Fuck?

Lady Hoggers (A&E) Season Finale: In other Shows I Didn’t Even Know Existed news, Lady Hoggers concludes its first season with, presumably, some ladies doing a bit of hogging. That’s what I got; they can’t all be gems.

American Horror Story (FX) Penultimate Episode: Means “next to last,” kids. Tonight, Violet and Tate try to kick some of the other ghosts out of the house, as some of them (OK, all of them) are just such DRA-MA queens. Oh, and Vivien finally gives birth to those double demon babies, thus kicking off The Apocalypse and daring next week’s season finale to top this shit.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Soup (E!)

American Horror Story: The end (literally) is near …

TV Tonight: The Soup, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, Psych

What’s new tonight:
The Soup (E!) New Night: Of all E!’s questionable programming decisions, moving Friday-night mockery staple The Soup to Wednesdays is right up there with Kendra, Ice Loves Coco and the application of “News” to any show on the network. Wednesday is the most overloaded TV night of the week; piling on another appointment series is like demanding more flavors of Faygo at your neighborhood convenience store—you only need so many. Still, The Soup, and host Joel McHale (who may or may not be out of a job on NBC’s Community next fall), is Essential Television, and who watches “live” TV anymore, anyway? Who knows when the hell Chelsea Lately airs? Certainly not Chelsea Handler.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox) Series Debut: Fox was on a respectable sitcom mini-streak with Raising Hope (because it’s funny) and New Girl (because it’s … something), but that all ends with I Hate My Teenage Daughter, a laugh-tracked(!) throwback the network seems to have picked up at an ABC Family yard sale. Jaime Pressly plays a slightly toned-down, possibly medicated version of her Joy character from My Name Is Earl, but now her high-pitched redneckette is the divorcee mom to a slutbag mean girl—imagine Reba with the subtle Southern subtext replaced with an apparent line-yelling quota. Prediction: Dead by Christmas.

Psych (USA) Shatner! What else do you need to know? How William Shatner’s guest character falls into the grand narrative arc of Psych? Bitch, please.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Grammy Nominations Concert Live (CBS); Christmas at Rockefeller Center, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); Mythbusters (Discovery); Ricochet (TNT); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); American Horror Story (FX)

The Shat hits the Psych, tonight:

TV Tonight: South Park, Psych, Top Chef: Just Desserts

What’s new tonight:
South Park (Comedy Central) Much—exactly, really—as he became obsessed with the Food Network last season, Randy sees a musical in the big city (well, Denver) and goes completely Broadway batshit. Think there’ll be a dozen or so inside references to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Book of Mormon musical? Of course not …

Psych (USA) Just in time for Halloween, there’s a suspiciously vampire-like murder in Santa Barbara—and clues point to Lassiter’s mysterious new girlfriend, who just happens to be played by the O.G. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Kristy Swanson. But, really, you’re here for Shawn and Gus in totally ree-dic vampire costumes.

Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo) Season Finale: The final three pastry … cheftestants … fuck that term … compete down to the wire for the $100,000 and the Food & Wine mag swag. It’s all about Orlando! I mean, I don’t have any bets placed or anything.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific (CBS); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); American Horror Story (FX)

South Park goes Broadway tonight and … Wicked?

Broadway Bro Down
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PARKRandy Marsh,Sharon Marsh,more...

TV Tonight: Revenge, Modern Family, Psych

What’s new tonight:
Revenge (ABC) At the rate wronged Emily/Amanda (Emily VanCamp) is burning through those who once fucked her over, does Revenge have a 13-22 episode lifespan? Blondie is gettin’ business done. Stands to reason Victoria (Madeline Stowe) will be saved for last; tonight, E/A goes after the therapist who institutionalized her as a child—because, obviously, that did no good.

Modern Family (ABC) An hour before that, Claire (Julie Bowen) decides to run for city council … So, who thinks this is a terrible, terrible idea? OK, that’s everybody. At the very least, maybe this foray into public politics will prompt Claire to finally buy a bra that can effectively control the girls. I’m just sayin’: A sitcom with Family in the title shouldn’t contain this much RT every week.

Psych (USA) Season Premiere: Tell your mom and her cats that the mean streets of Santa Barbara are safe once again: Shawn and Gus are back on the job! Or whatever it is they call it. Fun Fact: Tonight’s Psych murder case involves TV’s 6,000th Star Wars reference. This month.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); American Horror Story (FX)

Is that Malcolm McDowell on tonight’s Psych? Yes, it is …

Down With OCD

Monk, Psych Friday 7.13 (USA) Season Premieres: Need a reason to give Monk a shot, hipsters? How about guest star Sarah Silverman? Way back in Season 2, before Silverman began her ascension to Basic Cable Goddess (Comedy Central’s hit Sarah Silverman Program) and Cult Film Uber J.A.P. (Jesus Is Magic), she played the phobic detective’s No. 1 fan/stalker. You’ll still probably hate Monk, but at least you’ll have some new YouTube material for your own obsessive blog shrines. In Psych’s second-season opener, the show has finally figured out how to walk the crime drama/buddy comedy line: throw out the drama completely. Shawn and Gus investigate a murder threat against a judge on TV karaoke-talent show American Duos, played Simon Cowell-ishly by Tim Curry. Naturally, they go undercover as a singing twosome and take mucho swipes at American Idol and its ilk—but none can match guest Gina Gershon’s hysterically unhinged homage to Paula Abdul. Without the cop-show pretense, Psych is the funniest series on USA … besides Nashville Star.

Drive Friday 7.13 (Fox) Two-Hour Series Finale—This Time for Real, Probably: Fox decided that Friday the 13th would be a more advantageous send-off/burn-off date for the canceled Drive than July the 4th. Or they’re just fucking with you again, thousands of desperate Drive fans stuck with TiVos full of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and House reruns all summer, longing for closure. Face it—Fox hates you.

Supergator Saturday 7.14 (Sci-Fi) A prehistoric killer alligator re-created from fossilized DNA escapes from a bio-engineering lab and threatens a luxury resort—why are these secret government labs always next door to luxury resorts? Did they learn nothing from Frankenfish or Dinocroc?

Rock of Love, Scott Baio Is 45 & Single Sunday 7.15 (VH1) Series Debuts: The full title is Rock of Love With Bret Michaels; it’s the Poison frontman’s version of Flavor Flav’s Flavor of Love: Formerly relevant ‘80s music star sifts through skanks in search of an everlasting infection, er, bond with the “ultimate rock star girlfriend.” Since the ultimate rock star girlfriends usually end up abandoned, strung out and/or dead, good times (or Rock of Love 2) a’comin’! Scott Baio’s also looking for love; he’s opted for his own series instead simply hanging around outside of NBC’s Age of Love backstage door and picking up the 40-something castoffs with the foolproof line, “Hey, I’m Scott Baio.”

Side Order of Life, State of Mind Sunday 7.15 (Lifetime) Series Debuts: A magazine photographer (Marisa Coughlin) reconsiders marrying Jason Priestly after receiving a “wake-up call from the universe.” That call: “It’s Jason Priestly—he’ll have his own dating show on VH1 any day now! Run!” State of Mind stars Lili Taylor as therapist whose own—wait for it—personal tics rival those of her colorful patients. It’s the TNT formula: Respected film actress (like The Closer’s Kyra Sedgwick or Saving Grace’s Holly Hunter) + quirky premise (Southern cop in Los Angeles or alcoholic cop talking to angels) = ratings gold. Unless said actress is utterly unlikable thanks to a lame-ass arc on Six Feet Under. Not naming names …

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America Monday 7.16 (NBC) The only person on earth less interesting than Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham is her husband—and NBC was going to make a six-part reality series about both of ‘em moving to Los Angeles. Now, it’s been truncated into a one-hour “special” centered on the one with no discernible talent—yes, in relative terms here, soccer is a talent. Does Coming to America reveal that there’s more to “international superstar” Victoria than a dead-eyed trout stare and perma-perk plastic tits? No … Hollywood. By. Storm.