TV Tonight: Hart of Dixie, Terra Nova, Weeds

What’s new tonight:
Hart of Dixie (The CW) Series Debut: Rachel Bilson (The O.C.) stars as a New York City surgeon … yes, really … who moves to Alabama to run a local clinic … yes, really. As new fall shows go, Hart of Dixie is less ludicrous than Ringer (it’s still on, by the way) and only slightly smarter than The Playboy Club (ditto), and Bilson is as adorable as ever—but it’s also populated with more Bible Belt stereotypes than Squidbillies. And is “Goin’ South” the best tagline you could come up with, CW?

Terra Nova (Fox) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 6).

Mike & Molly (CBS) Season Premiere: It’s back, it has an Emmy (for Melissa McCarthy), and it still sucks.

Weeds (Showtime) Season Finale: It’s a New York showdown between Nancy and Silas! Who’ll win the weed war? If seven seasons of Weeds have taught us anything, it’s to never bet against Nancy—and that you can’t teach Nancy anything. No word if Showtime has renewed the show for another season, so be prepared for a hellacious cliffhanger or a frustrating grand finale. I don't think I can live in a TV world where there's no Mary-Louise Parker ...

Also new tonight:
Gossip Girl (season premiere, The CW); The Big C (season finale, Showtime); Alphas (season finale, Syfy); Top Gear (season finale, BBC America); Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, The Playboy Club (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); The Lying Game (ABC Family); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV); The Bling Ring (Lifetime)

Just try and take Hart of Dixie seriously, dare ya:

TV Tonight: Bachelor Pad, Top Gear, Weeds, The Big C

What’s new tonight:
Bachelor Pad (ABC) The gang participates in a synchronized-swimming challenge! This is a positive development for Bachelor Pad because 1. Despite being dead-eyed soulless morons, they at least look good in swimsuits, and B. Somebody just might drown.

Top Gear (BBC America) Season Premiere: Tonight, guest Alice Cooper will test-drive a turbocharged Jazzy with dead-baby dolls strapped to the front, reaching speeds up to 14 KPH!

Weeds (Showtime) Nancy continues her WT-fuck? sex triangle with her former female jail-mate and said jail-mate’s weed-supplying brother—at least there’s weed involved again, so we’re kinda getting back to basics.

The Big C (Showtime) Parker Posey Alert: Cancer Mom’s teenage son Adam starts hanging out with an eccentric older woman he met in an online support group, played by go-to proto-hipster Parker Posey, now 42. Icky, but still not as weird as what’s going on with Weeds, right?

Also new tonight:
American Ninja Warrior (NBC); Hell’s Kitchen (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel); Millionaire Matchmaker, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen)

Finger crossed, there are no lifeguards on duty at the Bachelor Pad:

TV Tonight: Weeds, Bachelor Pad, Sugar High

What's new tonight:
Weeds (Showtime) With the return of Season 1 pot connection Heylia (Toye Patano), looks like Weeds may be returning to some version of “grounded”—but how long can the bicoastal New York/Cali storyline last? Meanwhile, tonight, we get boxing, baseball ‘roid rage, a police internship (for Shane?!) and a little corporate espionage, so I might have been a little too quick with the “grounded” comment. Related: When will Nancy’s prison-time lesbianism phase be addressed? Just curious.

Surprise Homecoming (TLC) New Series: Families of military men and women are surprised with the return of their loved ones from the battlefield—sounds nice, but how the hell are they surprised with a full reality camera crew and Billy Ray Cyrus hanging out at their house all day? Again, just curious.

Sugar High (Food Network) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

The Bachelor Pad (ABC) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 5).

Also new tonight:
Hell’s Kitchen, MasterChef (Fox); Basketball Wives, Single Ladies (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Switched at Birth (ABC Family); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Big C (Showtime)

Preview: The hits keep coming on Weeds tonight …

High Times

Flash Gordon Friday 8.10 (Sci-Fi) Series Debut: Based on the 1930s comics and film serials, the ‘50s TV series or the “campy” (read: so gay even the Village People, filming Can’t Stop the Music next door, said, “Oh, puh-leez!”) 1980 movie? None of this ringing a bell? Hello, coveted demographic! Sci-Fi’s new Flash Gordon has recycled Queen’s bombastic (yes, redundant) ’80 theme song for the ads, but the 90-minute pilot has little of the spark or fun of previous incarnations, coming off like a particularly flat episode of Smallville populated with interchangeable Canadians (this Flash is a full-on Canuck production). They even removed “the Merciless” from villain Ming’s name—oh, puh-leez!

The Business, Minor Accomplishments Sundays (IFC) The Business, which spun-off from IFC’s previous and equally funny series The Festival, is about a struggling independent film company that spun-off from a far-more-lucrative porno video company … but it’s still called Vic’s Flicks. For Season 2, the focus is off sleazy boss Vic (Rob DeLeeuw) and hapless filmmaker Rufus (Nicholas Wright) and squarely on exasperated producer Julia (Kathleen Robertson)—smart move. Maybe they took a cue from The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, which has upped its cynic-girl power by elevating Nicholle Tom (of … The Nanny!) to full second-season sidekick status to Laura Kightlinger’s titular Jackie, not that she needed it. If you don’t believe a second of Entourage and like your showbiz comedy blacker than Larry Sanders’ dye job, The Business and Minor Accomplishments are for you. (Now there’s an ad quote, IFC!)

John From Cincinnati Sunday 8.12 (HBO) Season Finale: So … what the fuck was that?

Hell’s Kitchen Monday 8.13 (Fox) Season Finale: Admittedly, watching Gordon Ramsay scream his vein-y head off at inept chefs is a kick—but for 11 weeks? Apparently so, since Hell’s Kitchen still kills in the ratings, and I’m not going to argue with a reality-competition show that produces something more valuable to society than karaoke clowns and DNA receptacles for Bret Michaels (that one’s for you, Krista Simonsen).

Weeds Monday 8.13 (Showtime) Season Premiere: Last season, Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) and her suburban pot-dealer crew were riding high (ha!) and flush with green (double ha!), almost to the point where it looked like a PSA for the Mary Jane retail business. Then it all went to hell in a cliffhanger that left Nancy staring down gun barrels, her DEA husband offed by Armenians, one of her sons kidnapped by a crazy woman, and the other busted with a car full of weed. There’s no happy ending in the first episodes of Season 3: Nancy survives, but her business is dead and her family is in even worse off than before—which is great TV, because while Parker plays cocky (and everything else) beautifully, she’s in the kill zone as a desperate mom out of options.

Californication Monday 8.13 (Showtime) Series Debut: David Duchovny, on the other hand, is anything but sympathetic in Californication, where he stars as a narcissistic novelist who gets a dream-state blowjob from a nun before the opening credits, and nails a variety of naked women (including Madeline Zima of … The Nanny! What’s going on here?) up to the closing. The return of gratuitous premium-cable nudity is to be applauded—ahem, HBO—but what’s it all mean? And why name it after one of the worst Red Hot Chili Pepper songs ever? At least Californication is rarely dull, offsetting the Heavy Midlife Angst with comic touches—Duchovny’s book, God Hates Us All, was turned into a hit romantic comedy fluffer starring “Tom and Katie,” hence his self-loathing and writer’s block—and the promise of redemption: He wants his ex-wife and kid back … after he nails a few dozen more club skanks. Ah, sweet …

DVDs 7.24.2007

Anita Swedish sexploitation classic from 1994 about a young girl who must be cured of her nymphomania—but why? XploitedCinema.com

Harvey Birdman: Season 3 The last stand of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, the greatest lawyer in the history of TV. He could easily defend nymphomania. AdultSwim.com

The Host The new standard for Korean mutant-monster films. Unaware of the old standard? You’re a dumb American, as depicted here. MagPictures.com

The Number 23 Jim Carrey goes nuts over a number and takes Virginia Madsen’s career down with him. Makes for a good drinking game, though. NewLine.com

The Secrets of Isis: Seasons 1 & 2 The ‘70s Saturday-morning TV superheroine who could fly and fight crime in a miniskirt and Egyptian stripper boots! Yay! Navarre.com

Weeds: Season 2 The Showtime series about a pot-dealing suburban mom gets even better (and darker), and Mary Louise Parker is cooler than Isis. Lionsgate.com

More New DVD Releases (7.24) Benson: Season 1, Cash Back, The Contract, The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, The Long Weekend, Shadow Puppets, Slow Burn, Spawn: The Animated Collection, Stargate SG-1: Season 10, Sugar Creek, The Ultimate Underdog Collection

BROADBAND
The Two Coreys You knew it was coming: The reality-TV reunion of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim—the only surprise is that it’s on A&E, not VH1. The Two Coreys debuts Sunday, July 29, but why wait till then to see yet more humiliated ‘80s stars? Watch the seven-minute trailer online … and avoid the series entirely. Trust me. You’re welcome.