Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.
The Starter Wife Thursday 5.31 (USA) Miniseries Debut: If you haven’t heard about this one, you don’t have cable—or TV, or sensory perception. The USA Network has never promoted an event as heavily as The Starter Wife, a four-hour-that-coulda-been-two miniseries starring Ned & Stacey’s (sorry, Will & Grace’s) Debra Messing as the just-dumped spouse of a Hollywood power weasel trying to find herself with the help of her friends (one cynical, one sweet, one gay—bases covered) and zippy one-liners (“Of course I’m cranky! I haven’t eaten for 12 years!”). The irony of 38-year-old Messing playing a 40-something in a pseudo-commentary on Hollywood’s treatment of older women aside, The Starter Wife is hyper-colorful fun that nicely balances laughs and Touching Moments, even when you know exactly where it’s headed (Will she find happiness with a younger/hotter man than her douchebag husband? Duh. Is the guy who played Will unemployable?). This may also be Messing’s I’m-Not-Grace breakout role—but she’ll always be Stacey to me.
Hex Saturday 6.2 (BBC America) Season Premiere: It didn’t make much sense, but last year’s BBC America run of the addictive British supernatural series Hex at least kept you asking, “What’s going to happen next? And what just happened now?” Nutshell: Unpopular schoolgirl gains witch-y powers, her lesbian roommate is killed by a hunky demon, said roommate remains as a wisecracking ghost, together they must battle the minions of Satan—and possibly a cease-and-desist order from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s lawyers. In the second and final season, Unpopular Girl is dead and a centuries-old demon-hunting witch has taken her place; wisecracking and rampant sex (hey, it’s cable—and British) continue unabated.
Entourage Sunday 6.3 (HBO) Season Finale: In a network first, HBO won’t make you wait two years for the next season of a series: Entourage’s fourth will begin on June 17—never mind the long-ass break in this third season and just go with it. That said, not much of a cliffhanger here: Does anyone really think Medellin is ever going to get made? And am I the only one concerned about how easy it was for Drama to storm into The Hollywood Reporter’s offices a few weeks ago and confront a TV critic? No? Just me, then … Drama rules!
The Riches Monday 6.4 (FX) Season Finale: FX has granted second seasons to Dirt (eh) and The Riches (woo-hoo!), but only the latter earned it—and with far less hype. The Riches, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver as gypsy grifters posing as wealthy suburbanites living on the edge of being found out, has evolved quietly from quirky setup to societal-class study without getting (too) preachy about it. Izzard’s Wayne/Doug, originally the optimistic Man With a Plan, has become a broken “lawyer,” while Driver’s Dahlia/Cherien, at first a druggy wreck, is looking more and more like the only “Rich” who’ll be able to hold the family and the scam together. As with the first season of the like-minded Big Love, The Riches’ first closes with the threat of exposure; also similarly, that’s the least of their problems.
The Shield Tuesday 6.5 (FX) Season Finale: Don’t we end every season of The Shield saying “the shit’s all coming down, man!”? Well … the shit’s all coming down, man!
Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Van Wilder’s not actually in it—but Harold (or Kumar) is! Thus, the best Brit-collegiate romp since Oxford Blues. MGM.com
Afro Samurai Samuel L. Jackson kicks anime ass as a big-haired post-apocalyptic swordsman bent on daddy vengeance. Sucka. Funimation.com
Hacking Democracy Documentary: Electronic voting machines aren’t foolproof. Cynical logic: Fools are just voting for fools, anyway. HBO.com
Happy Feet Cute penguins sing and dance while preaching the joys of communism, separatism and shame. WarnerBros.com
The Shield: Season 5 An Internal Affairs cop (Forest Whitaker) goes after Vic as tensions rise—because things weren’t tense before. FoxHome.com
Turistas Pretty backpackers get jacked up in Brazil in the mash-up of Blue Crush and Hostel no one really asked for. FoxHome.com
More New DVD Releases Full House: Season 6, Mind of Mencia: Season 2, Penny Dreadful, The Pursuit of Happyness, Seventh Heaven: Season 4
BROADBAND
This American Life Ease your way into the television adaptation of the NPR favorite with free video clips from Showtime’s This American Life, as well as radio bits so as to not slip into evil pay-TV shock.
Penn & Teller: Bullshit Thursdays (Showtime) New Season: The second episode of Season 5, and P&T are taking on … Wal-Mart? Says Showtime, the duo will be “dissecting its history of savvy business strategy while uncovering the reasons detractors are so against them.” Now that sounds like bullshit: Wal-Mart has detractors? Just because they hide behind a “friendly” “local” image and sell inferior products below cost in order to hurt competitors who don’t have multimillion-dollar corporations to prop them up? That’s just being cynical.
This American Life Thursdays (Showtime) New Series: Based on the National Public Radio series that … Hey! Come back! Where ya goin’? NPR isn’t all, as Patton Oswalt says, “Un. Listenable. Radio.” Mostly, sure, but Ira Glass’ popular This American Life is real people telling real stories with no quick-cut rushes to the next commercial and teaser—the opposite of “reality” TV, so how does Glass translate it to the tube without selling out? Quite well, TAL-heads; you’ll love the eventual DVD set (we all know you don’t subscribe to Showtime).
Sons of Hollywood Sunday 4.1 (A&E) Series Debut: If real people aren’t your reality-TV thing, there’s always Fabulous Celebrities. If none of those are available, call in the Less Talented/Charismatic Offspring of Fabulous Celebrities—like Sean Stewart (son of Rod), Randy Spelling (son of Aaron) and David Weintraub (well, he manages the other two, and this is his show). But, there’s no reason to care about the showbiz travails of the rich-boy Sons of Hollywood nor, when “singer/songwriter/model” Stewart’s lone talents seem to be looking greasy and never buttoning a shirt, wonder why you’ve never heard of ‘em before now.
Mind of Mencia, Reno 911 Sunday 4.1 (Comedy Central) Season Premieres: If Carlos Mencia really did steal all of his material from Joe Rogan and other comics … shouldn’t the shame be spread all around? Just sayin.’ And, as for Reno 911—when the hell is that Miami movie going to Brewvies? I need a beer.
Prison Break Monday 4.2 (Fox) Season Finale: Having not really watched Prison Break at all this season (not even when Rescue Me’s Callie Thorne guested—and I’m all about her), can’t offer much insight here other than the insider-biz knowledge that Michael and Lincoln will live to still be past-tense broken out of prison for a third season; the rest of the gang, maybe not so much. Next time around, the producers say, the story’s going international—and if Season 4 happens, they’re either going to outer space or Quebec.
Taquita & Kaui Monday 4.2 (MTV) Series Debut: They can’t sing or dance, which is why they were booted from Making the Band 3—and yet here they are with their own series, ready to take another shot at skankdom, er, stardom. It’s set in Las Vegas, so maybe they’ll wind up as dead strippers on CSI. Dare to dream, girls!
The Shield Tuesday 4.3 (FX) Season Premiere: Internal Affairs is still after Vic; Vic is after “Lemonhead’s” killer; the killer is a member of his own Strike Team; the Strike Team’s newest member is … the son of AC/DC’s Bon Scott?! Yes, Australian actor Alex O’Loughlin is the kid of the long-dead singer, and his character has been covertly planted by the suits at the Los Angeles Police Department to become Vic’s replacement. So he’s pretty much a goner.
In Case of Emergency Wednesday 4.4 (ABC) Season Finale: Make that series finale; ABC announced a chunk of early renewals last week, and In Case of Emergency (which somehow outlasted the better-reviewed Knights of Prosperity) wasn’t on the list. Too bad, because the show about a group of 30-something friends (Jonathan Silverman, Kelly Hu, David Arquette and Greg Germann) whose lives somehow went to shit post-high school actually turned into a funny series. Not as funny as Brothers & Sisters (allegedly a drama), but still …
Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.
