TV Tonight: Sons of Anarchy, Covert Affairs, New Girl, Moonshiners

What’s new tonight:
Sons of Anarchy (FX) Season Finale: It’s all going down tonight! Jax has to finish the gun deal with the Irish, keep Opie from trying to kill Clay again, keep himself from killing Clay, get Tara and the kids outta Charming, find Bobby and Juice, keep himself from killing Clay, etc.—a whole lotta drama to squeeze into an hour. Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 and watch all said drama unfold on the big screen with a big beer or five. Beginning Tuesday, Jan. 17, True TV, City Weekly and Brewvies will present the next great FX drama, Justified, every Tuesday night—free, of course.

Covert Affairs (USA) Season Finale: Annie (the spy) and Danielle (the sister) take a nice vacation in Sweden—until Danielle is mistaken for a spy (?). Much running and frantic just-get-a-room-already phone calls to Auggie ensue.

New Girl (Fox) Jess asks her dude roommates for some advice for getting it on with her new “boyfriend” Paul (guest star Justin Long). In the real world, this advice would be filthy as hell and involve sex acts that would make even porn stars wince. In New Girl world, it’s just quirky and adorable (I am not using the word “adorkable” ever again).

Moonshiners (Discovery) Series Debut: Yes, even the cable channels once dedicated to science and academia are filling up with reality shows about rednecks doin’ redneck shit—as you may have guessed, Moonshiners is all about illegal hooch-makers runnin’ afoul of the law. Up next, stay tuned for Critter-Guttin’ and Incest Is Best.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); A Michael Buble Christmas, The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Haven: Holiday Specials (Syfy); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)

Looks to be another happily-ever-after ending for Sons of Anarchy tonight …

TV Tonight: Covert Affairs, New Girl, Ringer

What’s new tonight:
Covert Affairs (USA) Fall Premiere: When last we left CIA Annie (Piper Perabo), her sister (Anne Dudek) had finally figured out Annie’s secret job and kicked her ass out of the guest house—way to be a patriot, sis. Now, Annie’s looking for a new apartment and infiltrating a Basque separatist group that’s looking to blow shit up. Conveniently, her contact within the group is a hunky Spanish dude (cue “sexy time” music).

New Girl (Fox) Return: Fox’s biggest new fall hit is back after being forced off for a month due to baseball—think everybody still remembers and just loooves quirky Zooey Deschanel? Tonight, she laughs at her naked roommate, causing wackiness to ensue, and the New Black Guy brushes up all the pop culture he missed while in “Europe” (thus, more wackiness). Also, Childrens Hospital’s Lake Bell drops by—quirky/hot overload!

Ringer (The CW) Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar), as Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar), reveals that she has a twin sister, Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Follow? And her BFF Gemma (not Sarah Michelle Gellar) is still missing and presumed dead. It’ll all make sense … eventually?

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free. Fox Corp. and DirecTV have made nice, so the satellite plug won’t be pulled tonight and we won’t have to initiate Secret Plan B for the viewing. It was a solid plan, which may or may not have involved acting out SOA scenes with puppets.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); True Life, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Looks like it’s “sexy time” on Covert Affairs …

TV Tonight: White Collar, Covert Affairs, Big Law, Web Therapy

What’s new tonight:
White Collar, Covert Affairs (USA) Summer Finales: Agent Annie (Piper Perabo) and con man Neal (Matthew Bomer) are taking the rest of the summer off, set to finish their respective seasons in “early 2012,” says USA. On White Collar, Neal and Mozzi try to keep the FBI and Beau Bridges from their loot (again?); on Covert Affairs, Annie helps a Chinese scientist defect to the now-bankrupt United States (great timing, lady).

Big Law: Deputy Butterbean (ID) Series Debut: Remember fat boxer Butterbean? Now he’s a fat Sheriff’s Deputy, making wisecracks and cracking down on meth dealers. ID stands for Investigation Discovery, by the way—it’s somewhere in your cable lineup … maybe.

Crazy About Pippa (TLC) Special: Yes, an hour dedicated to Pippa Middleton, royal sister to Kate. How will they fit everything that’s so fascinating about her into a mere 60 minutes? There’s sooo much more than stupid hats and a great ass—finally, Learning returns to The Learning Channel.

Web Therapy (Showtime) Episode 4: Other critics say the TV version of Lisa Kudrow’s Web Therapy isn’t as funny as the original Internet version; me, I say it’s funnier. Tonight, terrible 3-minute therapist Fiona (Kudrow) blackmails a new patient (Glee’s Jane Lynch) into doing free PR for her “new treatment modality.” Since she has extreme anger-management issues, this is a fabulous idea.

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); MasterChef (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Memphis Beat, Hawthorne (TNT); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV)

Preview: Jane Lynch brings the pain on tonight’s Web Therapy …