TV Tonight: Criminal Minds, X Factor, Revenge, CSI, SVU

What’s new tonight:
Criminal Minds (CBS) Season Premiere: The band is back together! Not that it’s all good times at the BAU: JJ (AJ Cook) has returned legit, but agent Prentiss (Paget Brewster) played dead and disappeared to protect the team at the end of last season—now she’s back and has some ‘splainin’ to do. Dra-ma! At least being dead gave Prentiss some time to grow out those bangs …

The X Factor (Fox) Series Debut: Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, Dr. House—if Fox has taught us anything, it’s that we really, really like cranky old British guys with questionable haircuts telling us when we suck. Cowell returns to do just that, with Classic Crazy (Paula Abdul), New Crazy (Nicole Scherzinger) and Randy Lite (LA Reid) alongside him at the judges’ table. Related: I’ve heard that I’ll be on Fox 13’s Good Day Utah Friday morning around 8 to help make sense of the new singin’ show.

Revenge (ABC) Series Debut: It’s The Count of Monte Cristo meets Gossip Girl, or something. Anyway, Emily VanCamp is out to avenge her family in the Hamptons, and Madeline Stowe looks fantastic.

CSI (CBS) Season Premiere: Ted Danson joins the cast as the new boss! Other than that, same show.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Season Premiere: Christopher Meloni is out! Other than that, same show.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Modern Family (season premieres, ABC); Harry’s Law (season premiere, NBC); Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC); Survivor: South Pacific (CBS); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); The Hour (BBC America); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)

Season 7 premiere: Tense times at Criminal Minds high …

CSI: O.C.

CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS) O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …

Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC) Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.

Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS) Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.

Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.

How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS) Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!

Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW) Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …