It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Thursday 9.13 (FX) Season Premiere: How to kick off a new season of basic cable’s most infamously sick/wrong/hysterical sitcom when you’ve already mined the comedy gold of racism, abortion, molestation, welfare, crack addiction and—worst of all—local politics? I believe the title of tonight’s episode says it all: “The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby.” There’s also a subplot about environmental idiocy, er, activism, and the continued, utterly unnecessary presence of Danny DeVito, but It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia still rides on the flawless cartoon-nihilism chemistry of Mac, Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee, which occasionally equals that of Seinfeld’s Hallowed Four … if they lived in a seedy Philly borough instead of Manhattan, that is. Love the show, hate yourself.
Nashville Friday 9.14 (Fox) Series Debut: If you actually consider Laguna Beach and The Hills to be “reality” shows, you just might be a big enough sucker to fall for the same brain trust’s Nashville, which follows the manufactured dreams and drama of young pretty folk “struggling” to forge a career in country music—or whatever it is Nashville cranks out these days. Then again, it’s on Friday nights, so it won’t even last as long as the previous sentence. Moving on …
Prison Break, K-Ville Monday 9.17 (Fox) Season Premiere/Series Debut: When last we left Prison Break, Michael had been tossed in a hellhole Panamanian prison and Lincoln was on the outside—tables turned, man! Is your mind blown? If not, this should do it: Nash Bridges’ daughter (Jodi Lynn O’Keefe) is introduced this season as a character named … Susan B. Anthony! Prison-breaking, conspiracy-busting and head-shining ensue anew. Considerably less-complex is new series K-Ville: Jaded maverick cop + by-the-book new partner with a Dark Secret + colorful crew x post-Katrina New Orleans = Standard Police Drama No. 625, with a side of Cajun sauce. In other words, don’t bet on any new series with a “ville” suffix.
Back to You, ‘Til Death Wednesday 9.19 (Fox) Series Debut/Season Premiere: Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton and Fred Willard star in the hottest new sitcom of 1987—now! Sure, Back to You may feel like a throwback to Murphy Brown, but it smells as dead as Ted Knight’s decomposing corpse under the remnants of the Mary Tyler Moore set (see kids, The Mary Tyler Moore Show was a newsroom comedy of the 20th Century, as was Murphy Brown). How ‘Til Death made it to a second season is equally unclear; Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher’s undercooked homage to Al & Peggy Bundy would probably have gone straight to TV Land if Fox wasn’t so preoccupied with giving Ryan Seacrest more shit to do—seriously, that assclown is hosting the Emmys and animating backgrounds for American Dad on breaks.
America’s Next Top Model Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Season Premiere: The search is on for the latest 98-pound skank to sequester in the Witness Protection Program, uh, launch into a fabulous modeling career! Or at least a future guest spot on a doomed CW series like …
Gossip Girl Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Series Debut: If I thought the pilot episode of Gossip Girl would stay in my head for longer than the two minutes it’s going to take to recap it, I’d spring for a lobotomy. Josh Schwartz has relocated The O.C. to an east-coast private school for rich teen models with more “problems” than personality; when you can spot the group “bad boy” wearing a bored look, artfully mussed hair and an ascot (!) in the first act, things probably ain’t going to get better. No, it gets worse, and the unseen titular “blogger” narrating the show only drives home the inanity: It’s Kristen Bell, ex-star of The CW’s far-superior-so-of-course-it-was-canceled Veronica Mars. Stellar first week of the new fall season, eh?
Penn & Teller: Bullshit Thursdays (Showtime) New Season: The second episode of Season 5, and P&T are taking on … Wal-Mart? Says Showtime, the duo will be “dissecting its history of savvy business strategy while uncovering the reasons detractors are so against them.” Now that sounds like bullshit: Wal-Mart has detractors? Just because they hide behind a “friendly” “local” image and sell inferior products below cost in order to hurt competitors who don’t have multimillion-dollar corporations to prop them up? That’s just being cynical.
This American Life Thursdays (Showtime) New Series: Based on the National Public Radio series that … Hey! Come back! Where ya goin’? NPR isn’t all, as Patton Oswalt says, “Un. Listenable. Radio.” Mostly, sure, but Ira Glass’ popular This American Life is real people telling real stories with no quick-cut rushes to the next commercial and teaser—the opposite of “reality” TV, so how does Glass translate it to the tube without selling out? Quite well, TAL-heads; you’ll love the eventual DVD set (we all know you don’t subscribe to Showtime).
Sons of Hollywood Sunday 4.1 (A&E) Series Debut: If real people aren’t your reality-TV thing, there’s always Fabulous Celebrities. If none of those are available, call in the Less Talented/Charismatic Offspring of Fabulous Celebrities—like Sean Stewart (son of Rod), Randy Spelling (son of Aaron) and David Weintraub (well, he manages the other two, and this is his show). But, there’s no reason to care about the showbiz travails of the rich-boy Sons of Hollywood nor, when “singer/songwriter/model” Stewart’s lone talents seem to be looking greasy and never buttoning a shirt, wonder why you’ve never heard of ‘em before now.
Mind of Mencia, Reno 911 Sunday 4.1 (Comedy Central) Season Premieres: If Carlos Mencia really did steal all of his material from Joe Rogan and other comics … shouldn’t the shame be spread all around? Just sayin.’ And, as for Reno 911—when the hell is that Miami movie going to Brewvies? I need a beer.
Prison Break Monday 4.2 (Fox) Season Finale: Having not really watched Prison Break at all this season (not even when Rescue Me’s Callie Thorne guested—and I’m all about her), can’t offer much insight here other than the insider-biz knowledge that Michael and Lincoln will live to still be past-tense broken out of prison for a third season; the rest of the gang, maybe not so much. Next time around, the producers say, the story’s going international—and if Season 4 happens, they’re either going to outer space or Quebec.
Taquita & Kaui Monday 4.2 (MTV) Series Debut: They can’t sing or dance, which is why they were booted from Making the Band 3—and yet here they are with their own series, ready to take another shot at skankdom, er, stardom. It’s set in Las Vegas, so maybe they’ll wind up as dead strippers on CSI. Dare to dream, girls!
The Shield Tuesday 4.3 (FX) Season Premiere: Internal Affairs is still after Vic; Vic is after “Lemonhead’s” killer; the killer is a member of his own Strike Team; the Strike Team’s newest member is … the son of AC/DC’s Bon Scott?! Yes, Australian actor Alex O’Loughlin is the kid of the long-dead singer, and his character has been covertly planted by the suits at the Los Angeles Police Department to become Vic’s replacement. So he’s pretty much a goner.
In Case of Emergency Wednesday 4.4 (ABC) Season Finale: Make that series finale; ABC announced a chunk of early renewals last week, and In Case of Emergency (which somehow outlasted the better-reviewed Knights of Prosperity) wasn’t on the list. Too bad, because the show about a group of 30-something friends (Jonathan Silverman, Kelly Hu, David Arquette and Greg Germann) whose lives somehow went to shit post-high school actually turned into a funny series. Not as funny as Brothers & Sisters (allegedly a drama), but still …
The O’Reilly Factor, The Colbert Report Thursday 1.18 (Fox News, Comedy Central) The greatest crossover event in basic-cable history, or simply a shrewd promotional circle jerk featuring only two jerks in the circle? The Answer: Yes! Stephen Colbert, who’s based his Colbert Report character (or, by now, perhaps true persona—absolute power, etc.) on Bill O’Reilly, will appear on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor; then, O’Reilly will guest on Colbert’s Comedy Central show. Apparently, it’s all out of mutual professional respect: “I look forward to the evening,” Colbert said last week. “It’s an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O’Reilly.” I honestly don’t know which show will be more entertaining …
Monk, Psych Friday 1.19 (USA) Season Premieres: Well, winter premieres—USA likes to break ‘em up and spread ‘em out. What’s new since The Only TV Column That Matters™ covered the late-summer finales of Monk and Psych? The former remains exactly the same; nothing much ever changes in Monkland except for the new USA show stars that Tony Shaloub has to shoot promos with—how ‘bout one with Jewel and Cowboy Troy? The latter’s funny formula (observant slacker passes himself off as a psychic to work with the police and pick up girls) hasn’t gone stale just yet, but it could easily Jump the Matlock. Right, Monk?
The Dresden Files, Battlestar Galactica Sunday 1.21 (Sci-Fi) Series Debut/Series Return: Speaking of NBC/Universal-owned quirky smart-ass detectives with fashionable stubble, meet Harry Dresden, the wizard P.I. The series is based on the novels of Jim Butcher, so expect the literati to complain even though Dresden is a well-executed, if simplified, adaptation, and leads Paul Blackthorne (24) and Valerie Cruz (Nip/Tuck) are far better than you’d expect from a Sci-Fi series without Battlestar in its title. As for Galactica, rumors are flying that beloved fuck-up Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) will be killed sometime before the end of this season, but attention will soon be diverted to Cylon 6 (Tricia Helfer) in the February issue of Playboy. Trust me.
Prison Break Monday 1.22 (Fox) Return: Tonight’s Prison Break comeback episode is titled “John Doe,” which is funny because Dominic Purcell (the one with the thicker shaved head) starred in another Fox series long ago called John Doe. Even funnier, even though it was a high-concept science-fiction drama, it was still more believable than Prison Break. And we laughed …
Heroes, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Monday 1.22 (NBC) Returns: Seems like it’s been forever, huh? I mean for Heroes; Studio 60 could have been running all-new episodes for a month now and you probably wouldn’t have noticed. Rejoining Heroes, Peter’s still in a coma, Eden’s still dead, Sylar’s still incapacitated (and listed as a non-permanent “guest star”), Hiro and Ando are searching for the samurai sword from Isaac’s painting, Niki/Jessica turns herself into the police against Jessica/Niki’s wishes, and Claire’s apparently never getting out of that cheerleader uniform (no complaints here). On Studio 60, Matt’s doomed obsession with Harriet continues, as does Danny’s doomed obsession with Jordan and producer Aaron Sorkin’s doomed obsession with Aaron Sorkin.
Bones Wednesday 1.24 (Fox) Return: Bones' serial-killer arch-nemesis Epps is on the loose (another one of those “prison breaks”), and Booth’s former/current flame Cam’s life is hanging in the balance! Who will win in this deadly game of cat-and-mouse? Oh, who do you think? The only real question is, is it too early in the season to send Cam to dirtnap central? Or do we have to wait until Sweeps? Just askin.’DVD
Employee of the Month Comedian Dane Cook’s bid to become a movie star is crushed by the thespian screen-dominance of Jessica Simpson’s tits … poor bastard never stood a chance. Still, there’s some funny to be found in this Office-Space-does-CostCo romantic comedy—too bad it was all in the trailers. LionsGate.com
Gridiron Gang Why not just make The Scorpion King 2, Rock? Er, Dwayne? That’s what we all want from you, not the uplifting tale of a juvie-league football team battling against the odds to become The Bad News Ballers. So it’s based on a true story—big deal, so was The Scorpion King. Wasn’t it? SonyPictures.com
The King of Queens: Season 7 One of the most underrated sitcoms on network TV—even if you can only tell one season from another by Leah Rimini’s hair (Season 7’s was very good, BTW). No Valuable Life Lessons are ever learned on The King of Queens, but it never fails to deliver laughs. Yeah, it’s a UPS joke. SonyPictures.com
That’s So Suite Life of Hanna Montana Try to follow: Malibu teen Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) leads a double life as rock star Hannah Montana, a secret known only to her manager father (real-life dad Billy Ray Cyrus) and, oh, pretty much everyone else. Why? Look, you’re already asking way too many questions … Disney.com
BROADBAND
In Case of Emergency May have been hasty weeks ago in declaring ABC’s new In Case of Emergency sucktastic; the manic, politically/morally-incorrect sitcom about four 30-something friends who’ve taken a wrong turn or 12 in life is almost the network answer to cable’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Check the video clips—especially the critically-reviled “Korean massage” scene from the pilot. Ah, Kelly Hu …
