TV Weekend: Boss, Supernatural, Once Upon a Time

What’s new this weekend:
Boss (Starz, tonight) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Buffy/Angel Alert: Charisma Carpenter (Cordy!) and James Marsters (Spike!) guest-star as a witch and a Mr. Witch about to cause a shitstorm in a small town—and only Sam and Dean can stop them! That is, if Sam’s brain can withstand the Hell migraines and Dean will put down his beer for a minute. They gots problems, these two.

Strike Back (Cinemax, tonight) Season Finale: International anti-terrorism has never been this sexy—this is Cinemax, after all; expect at least one sweaty humpin’ scene, probably even before the opening credits. Then, Scott and Stonebridge track a pair of suicide bombers out to cause a shitstorm in Budapest. That is, if they can put aside the sweaty humpin’ for a minute … with women. This ain’t Logo, after all.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares (Fox); Nikita (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

New Saturday:
Austin City Limits: The Decemberists (PBS/KUED 7), Free Agents, Bedlam (BBC America); Dogs 101, Puppies vs. Babies (Animal Planet)

Once Upon a Time (ABC, Sunday) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 3).

Robot Chicken (Adult Swim, Sunday) Season Premiere: It’s the fifth season, and Seth Green still hasn’t run out of Star Wars gags. I’m really forward to the day when he does, however.

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Like apparently everyone in SLC did last Sunday, come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm—yes, 8 pm, promise.

Also new Sunday:
Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime); Talking Dead (AMC)

Once Upon a Time makes about this much sense …

TV Tonight: Rules of Engagement, Vampire Diaries, Dave’s Old Porn

What’s new tonight:
Rules of Engagement (CBS) Season Premiere: After months of CBS threatening to premiere the new season on Saturdays after giving its previous timeslot to How to Be a Gentleman, everything’s flipped for Rules of Engagement! Gentlemen was sent off to Saturdays, then just killed off altogether, and Rules moves back into the post-Big Bang Theory slot tonight. What does it all mean? Rules of Engagement is the Keith Richards of sitcoms, reliably cranking out the riffs and lasting longer than science or pop culture dared ever imagine. Oh, and it’s usually funny—good quality in a sitcom.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Speaking of funny, it’s come to my attention that there’s now a Vampire Diaries character who’s both a vampire AND a werewolf. WT Fuck? Anyway, the gang starts their senor year at Mystic Falls High tonight, and there’s sure to be no drama whatsoever.

Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway (Lifetime); Jersey Shore (MTV); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Gigolos (Showtime)

Rules of Engagement is back on Thursdays—tell your dad, and Patrick Warburton.

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, Up All Night, Happy Endings

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) After a splashy premiere episode two weeks ago and a letdown of a follow-up last Wednesday, American Horror Story gets back on freaky track tonight—not that it makes a hell of a lot more sense, of course. Thanks to a “murder house” bus tour (gotta love L.A.), we learn a little bit more on the backstory of the Victorian and why no one besides Ben (Dylan McDermott) is dumb enough to buy it. Speaking of brainless Ben, his abortion-skipping ex-girlfriend drops in for a surprise visit, as does his new half-faced “buddy.” Spoiler: It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Up All Night (NBC) It’s a flashback episode about the birth of baby Amy (the show’s weakest ink—do we really need this kid around?) and Chris’ (Will Arnett) decision to become a stay-at-home dad. Me, I’d prefer a flashback ep that explains his extensive collection of Panama Jack shirts—maybe for Sweeps, huh?

Happy Endings (NBC) On the real Funniest Wednesday Comedy (sorry, Modern Family), Jane forces the gang to make “vision boards” so they can all “achieve their dreams.” If I have to spell out the many, many opportunities for hilarity here, you’re probably the kind of person who has a “vision board.” Move along.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts, Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family), Psych (USA)

Just another pleasant, uneventful episode of American Horror Story … 

TV Tonight: Man Up!, Parenthood, Scream Awards

What’s new tonight:
Man Up! (ABC) Series Debut: It’s not as bad as its lead-in, Tim Allen’s gawdawful Last Man Standing, but Man Up! is still shit—so it’ll easily hold onto the same audience of morons who made LMS a hit debut last week. But, if you really want to see the definitive comedy about male bonding in the modern world, watch FX’s far-superior The League on Thursdays and skip this waste of Teri Polo, Dan Fogler and a perfectly good exclamation point.

Parenthood (NBC) T-Rex Arms Alert: Cee Lo Green drops in because … uh … NBC owns him now, thanks to The Voice? Or is it related to Adam and Crosby’s new recording studio? Let’s go with that. Meanwhile, something happens to someone else in Parenthood that’ll make you cry. Guaranteed.

2011 Scream Awards (Spike) The best sci-fi/horror/fantasy awards show on basic cable brings out the stars, like Robert Downey Jr., Anne Hathaway, Nicholas Cage, Pee-Wee Herman, Darth Vader, Harry Potter and more! Some even real!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm. It probably won’t be as crowded as The Walking Dead was on Sunday, just guessing.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); The Onion News Network (IFC)

This is what you’re In! for with Man Up! 

TV Tonight: 2 Broke Girls, Gossip Girl, Bachelorette Party

What’s new tonight:
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Max and Caroline, aka the Broke Girls, throw a party at the diner to raise money for that doomed business idea they keep bringing up every episode like we care. But not just any party—a ‘90s party! If they don’t play any Jesus Jones or “Rico Suave,” we are done.

Gossip Girl (The CW) Speaking of the ‘90s, who else knew that Elizabeth Hurley became a Gossip Girl regular this season? Everybody but me? Thanks. She plays a vaguely evil (and still definitely hot) Brit cougar who runs a some kind of magazine, another throwback from the ‘90s. So I’ll be watching Gossip Girl now.

Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen) Series Debut: Combining the bitches-be-crazy attitude of The Bad Girls Club with the bitches-be-crazy attitude of Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas goes behind the scenes of a Sin City company that specializes in throwing such bashes. Scoff if you want, but the penis-cake and hangover-remedy industries would be sunk without these kinds of visionaries.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); House, Terra Nova (Fox); The Sing-Off (NBC); Hart of Dixie (The CW); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels (A&E); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

What happens in Vegas stay in the carpet on Bachelorette Party: