TV Tonight: Touch, Criminal Minds

What’s new tonight:
Touch (Fox) Sneak Preview: It doesn’t officially launch until March 19, but Touch (created by Heroes’ Tim Kring and starring Kiefer Sutherland) gets a special post-American Idol advance bump tonight. That, er, special audience may be initially put off by the complexity of the plot (Sutherland’s autistic 11-year-old son, who doesn’t speak, can predict world events through patterns in nature and numbers), but they’ll be sucked right back in by the weepy schmaltz (The kid helps people connect and reach their destinies! Dad’s a widower and a laid-off journalist working 18 blue-collar jobs! Danny Glover is a wise old man in a bathrobe!). Touch has the “global oneness” vibe of Kring’s Heroes, plus those Hallmark movie warm-fuzzies (“I hear you now!” Oh, Jack Bauer), so as long as it airs early before the grandparents doze off, expect Big Hit.

Criminal Minds (CBS) 150th Episode: Given that there’s a Criminal Minds rerun on at least one channel every hour of the TV day, I have a damned hard time believing that this is only the 150th episode the series has produced—I was thinking, more like 1,500. Tonight, the BAU team is hot on the trail of a serial rapist called … the Piano Man? Sorry, there’s no guest appearance by Billy Joel.

Also new tonight:
American Idol (Fox); CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea? (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); The Challenge (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); Royal Pains (USA); The Soup (E!)

Prepare to be Touched by a Kiefer …

TV Tonight: Happy Endings, Criminal Minds, South Park

What’s new tonight:
Happy Endings (ABC) Max’s high-school girlfriend drops in on the gang—awkward, since, you know, he’s all gay now. Meanwhile, Jane discovers that Brad has a “work wife” and sets out to land her own “office husband.” And these are just two of what’s sure to be a dozen hilarious situations tonight!

Criminal Minds (CBS) Garcia asks the BAU team for help when a mother in her survivors support group goes missing on the anniversary of her daughter’s kidnapping—weird. Even weirder, computer jockey Garcia’s going out into the field! She always gets shot when she does that!

South Park (Comedy Central) Season Finale: It’s the Season 15 finale, so it’s time for another bummer cliffhanger: When his parents are jailed (what took so long?), Kenny and his siblings are forced into foster care—which can only be a step up, right? Not if Cartman’s plan to keep Kenny down and broke are successful, and Cartman does have an oddly high success rate.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central) Season Finale: Nick welcomes fellow comics Duncan Trussell (The Lavender Hour!) and Owen Benjamin (no idea!) to talk about sketches that somehow didn’t make it onto the show, and then there’s something about drunk girls in a fast-food joint—it’s all sure to be funny as hell, trust me, as I’m one of there several hundred people who watch Pretend Time, like, every week.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America's Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); The Real World (MTV); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Extreme Couponing (TLC); Psych (USA); American Horror Story (FX)

They just wanna legalize meth on Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, y’all!

TV Tonight: Criminal Minds, X Factor, Revenge, CSI, SVU

What’s new tonight:
Criminal Minds (CBS) Season Premiere: The band is back together! Not that it’s all good times at the BAU: JJ (AJ Cook) has returned legit, but agent Prentiss (Paget Brewster) played dead and disappeared to protect the team at the end of last season—now she’s back and has some ‘splainin’ to do. Dra-ma! At least being dead gave Prentiss some time to grow out those bangs …

The X Factor (Fox) Series Debut: Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, Dr. House—if Fox has taught us anything, it’s that we really, really like cranky old British guys with questionable haircuts telling us when we suck. Cowell returns to do just that, with Classic Crazy (Paula Abdul), New Crazy (Nicole Scherzinger) and Randy Lite (LA Reid) alongside him at the judges’ table. Related: I’ve heard that I’ll be on Fox 13’s Good Day Utah Friday morning around 8 to help make sense of the new singin’ show.

Revenge (ABC) Series Debut: It’s The Count of Monte Cristo meets Gossip Girl, or something. Anyway, Emily VanCamp is out to avenge her family in the Hamptons, and Madeline Stowe looks fantastic.

CSI (CBS) Season Premiere: Ted Danson joins the cast as the new boss! Other than that, same show.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Season Premiere: Christopher Meloni is out! Other than that, same show.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Modern Family (season premieres, ABC); Harry’s Law (season premiere, NBC); Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC); Survivor: South Pacific (CBS); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); The Hour (BBC America); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)

Season 7 premiere: Tense times at Criminal Minds high …