More Drunks on TV!

Breathalyzer Idol No judging: If I'd sold my soul to Simon Cowell and that Satanic shit-cannon called American Idol, I wouldn't be able to promote it sober in the morning, either. Live and loaded from Seattle, take it away, Paula ...

No Static at All

Sucking the '70s Scrolling through the Comcast OnDemand selections of "Free Movies" (read: crap they won't even show on TBS at 2 a.m.) last night, I ran across that 1978 gem FM, starring Martin Mull, Eileen Brennan, Alex Karras (!) and various other actors with shaggy hair and beards, as well as concert segments with Linda Rondstadt (totally hot circa '78) and Jimmy Buffet (eh). It's the story of a "renegade" SoCal FM station with eccentric DJs who spin such '70s underground artists as Steely Dan, The Eagles, even Tom Petty (who also appears in the flick, all 99 pounds of him). The station becomes so popular that ad weasels from the parent company take notice and decide to sell the shit out of it--including selling spots to (ack!) the Army. This eventually leads to a DJ sit-in at "Q-Sky" that draws an adoring mob of badly-dressed supporters and escalates into a riot set to the anarchy-fueled sounds of ... fucking Foghat? Granted, "Slow Ride" rocks balls, but come on ...

Nashville Pussies

Nashville Star Thursday 1.11 (USA) Season Premiere: Which is tougher to swallow: A fifth season of Nashville Star, or new co-host Jewel? The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to assume Jewel, who, along with Cowboy Troy, will be emceeing the singin’ and twangin’ contest that inexplicably resides on USA, not CMT, GAC or any of the dozen other country-music channels clogging up my cable (thanks, Comcast). But hey, Jewel’s country cred is every bit as solid as Cowboy Troy’s—he’s a capital-C Cowboy, fergawdsakes!

24 Sunday 1.14 (Fox) Season Premiere: Jack’s back, and he’s hairy: “Chloe! I need a razor at these coordinates! Now!” In 24 world, almost two years have passed since agent Jack Bauer was captured by Chinese thugs and taken on the worst cruise vacation ever at the end of last season, but now America needs him back … as a sacrifice to a different set of thugs. J-Bau can’t catch a break. The U.S. is under siege by terrorists, thousands of civilians are dead and, perhaps even more frightening, the country’s only news outlet seems to be the Fox News Channel (love that corporate Fox synergy). Can Jack save the nation yet again? And if so, does he have to go on Hannity & Colmes?

Crossing Jordan Sunday 1.13 (NBC) Season Premiere: Jordan’s back, and her hair looks fabulous. On the downside, she’s still facing a murder rap over the dead ex-boyfriend she woke up next to in last season’s finale, not to mention more (and now totally out-of-sync) Las Vegas crossovers. And, even though Crossing Jordan’s been on for six years now, look for NBC to begin promoting it as “From the creator of Heroes!”

Rome, Extras Sunday 1.13 (HBO) Season Premieres: HBO’s most humorless drama, followed by its funniest comedy (the specter of Lucky Louie looms large). Yes, Rome is still a grim, grand epic that looks every bit a million bucks a frame (rough estimate), but Extras takes the awkward laughs of star Ricky Gervais’ original British Office to painfully funny new extremes—with bigger guest stars! The Season 2 premiere features Orlando Bloom riffing sarcastically on Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Johnny Depp, but the Jan. 21 ep slays with David Bowie writing an impromptu, vicious (and yet quite pretty) song about Gervais’ “chubby little loser” and his critically panned new BBC sitcom. In fact, Bowie’s as good here as Mick Jagger was in The Knights of Prosperity … hmmm.

American Idol Tuesday 1.15 (Fox) Season Premiere: Wow, has it really been a whole year since I’ve reiterated my pure and total hatred of American Idol? Good to reconnect.

The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show Wednesday, Jan. 16 (Comedy Central) Series Debut: One’s a guitar-strumming truck driver sans clothes (Dave Gruber Allen), the other’s a combover-sideburned drifter of questionable morals (David Koechner); together, they travel the highways and byways of this great land singing songs about truck-stop glory holes, tea-bagging hippies and JPEGs of 18-year-old hoochies. Another series CMT missed out on? Naw, just Tenacious D’s former opening act in a hilarious combo live-onstage/taped-sketch show that could be the weirdest half-hour Comedy Central has booked since Stella. Heard from them lately?

DVD
Bandidas Yow: Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek as gun-slingin’ outlaws in 1888—it’s Butch & Sundance via Thelma & Louise, or Maxim’s Guide to the Mexican Revolution. Pure fluff, but with Cruz and Hayek throwing down the action-comedy in corsets and leather chaps, who cares? BandidasDVD.com

Idiocracy Mike Judge’s dark follow-up to Office Space you’ve never heard of, thanks to Fox anti-marketing. Luke Wilson is frozen in a military experiment, only to awaken in 2505 as the smartest man alive—because the rest of the world has gotten dumber. Cult classic or vision? IdiocracyDVD.com

The Night Listener The biggest stretch of The Night Listener might be the idea of a late-night talk-radio show that isn’t about UFOs, the Rapture or global conspiracies. Even stranger, Robin Williams is upstaged and out-creepy-ed by Toni Collette in this psychological thriller. The end must be nigh! Miramax.com

Rebelde: Season 1 The Mexican telenovela set in a private school populated with hot teens who have a band (RBD) and, apparently, free reign to modify their already skimpy uniforms. Since the DVD is subtitled, maybe gringos will finally understand what the hell they’ve been watching on Univision. Rebelde.tv

More New DVD Releases (Jan. 9) Crank, Extras: Season 1, The Illusionist, MI-5: Season 4, Stan Lee’s Lightspeed

BROADBAND
Dr. Phil: Raging Pantload Posted on YouTube.com last month, this three-minute clip defies you to determine who’s the bigger douchebag: The producer of the Bumfights video series (dressed in a cheap suit with a shaved head and mustache, admirably mocking the Doc), or Dr. Phil grandstanding and throwing him off the set (actually, security guards do the dirty work) without even beginning an interview. Let’s say it’s Dr. Phil ...

Sopraneutered

Gabba Gabba Goo The Sopranos debuts in post-HBO life tonight on A&E. Goes something like this ...

The Masses? Asses

Oh, You People The People's Choice Awards tonight proved that the people are nothing if not predictable—except, Halle Berry for favorite female action star for X-Men 3? Was she even IN X-Men 3? That was Famke Janssen's movie, you pinheads! TV choices like The Class and Heroes were at least interesting, but then the people pissed it all away on Nickelback (shudder, gag) and a slew of prizes for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (an even worse sequel than X-Men 3). As The Kills once said, "fuck the people." Your, uh, winners:

Movies
Female star: Jennifer Aniston
Male star: Johnny Depp
Leading lady: Cameron Diaz
Leading man: Vince Vaughn
Female action star: Halle Berry
Male action star: Johnny Depp
On-screen matchup: Johnny Depp & Keira Knightley
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie drama: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie comedy: Click
Family movie: Cars

Music

Female singer: Carrie Underwood
Male singer: Kenny Chesney
Group: Nickelback
R&B song: "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake
Hip-hop song: "Shake That" by Eminem
Pop song: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira
Country song: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
Rock song: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi
Song from a movie: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts from Cars
Remake: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts

TV
Comedy: Two & a Half Men
Animated comedy: The Simpsons
Drama: Grey's Anatomy
Competition/Reality show: American Idol
New Comedy: The Class
New Drama: Heroes
Female star: Eva Longoria
Male star: Patrick Dempsey
Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

Wait, Grey's Anatomy is a drama? Proud to be an American ...