What’s new tonight:
Survivor: One World(CBS) Season Premiere: Returning for Season 75, Survivor is totally changing things up by putting both tribes in one camp and … that’s it? Oh, they’re also doing a whole women-vs.-men “Battle of the Sexes” thing, and Survivor is back on Samoa for the fourth time. Running out of ideas? How dare you even suggest such nonsense. Besides, just look how goddamned fascinating these swimsuit models (and token geezers) are:
Also new tonight: The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Rock Center With Brian Williams, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); American Idol (Fox); One Tree Hill, Remodeled (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Hot In Cleveland (TV Land); The Challenge (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); Royal Pains (USA); The Soup (E!)
What’s new this weekend:
The Life & Times of Tim(HBO) Season Premiere: After two seasons in 2008 and 2010, HBO canceled the animated Life & Times of Tim, then uncanceled it and picked it up for this third run. See, Deadwood and Carnivale diehards? There’s still hope (but not really). Before, Tim (voiced by series creator Steve Dildarian) was a 20-something NYC corporate-office drone with a propensity for turning every situation into an awkward disaster; now, he’s unemployed and awkwardly looking for work (too bad this season was made before Occupy Wall Street happened). Funny, twisted stuff—and you don’t even have to be Adult Swim-level “medicated” to appreciate it.
Steven Niles’ Remains (Chiller) Movie: No, not the remains of author Steve Niles (30 Days of Night), but yet another zombie-apocalypse thriller. The Remains twist: It’s set in Reno, and it’s on an obscure channel you’ve likely never frequented—unless you’re really, really into horror flicks and reruns of Fear Factor and … Harper’s Island? Still, Remains is a notch above the average Saturday-night Syfy filler, both aesthetically and dramatically, and Chiller sent me an elaborate promotional casino box with playing cards and poker chips to say it.
Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Happiness is a Warm Blanket Charlie Brown, Ice Age: Mammoth Christmas (Fox); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); Sanctuary (Syfy)
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Fall Finale: Jimmy Fallon hosts, and that nice young man Michael Buble sings. Who wants to bet the sound will be fucked up in the opening sketch yet again? No wagers from anyone at CW30.
Also new Saturday: CWMA Country Christmas (ABC); Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns, The Story of Santa Claus (CBS); America’s Most Wanted: U.S. Marshals Edition (Fox); WWE Salute to the Troops (USA); Too Cute! Baby Sloths (Animal Planet); Graham Norton Show (BBC America)
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Finale: Season Finale: In the ultimate surprise twist, the winner of Survivor: South Pacific will be neither Coach nor Ozzy (and certainly not that idiot Brandon), but Angelea from the recently-completed season of America’s Next Top Model. You may not get it, but reality-TV blogs are blowing up right now. #Angelea
Dexter, Homeland (Showtime) Season Finales: So the whole “Doomsday Killer” arc has nearly fizzled in the homestretch of Dexter’s sixth season, and the side plots haven’t gone much better (Deb has to be the worst Miami Metro cop boss since, well, the last one). And what’s with killing off the most interesting guest stars (Mos Def and Molly Parker) so early? Travis (Colin Hanks) and Dex (Michael C. Hall) are at least headed for a typically epic serial-killer smackdown finale, and those only disappoint in prime-numbered seasons—am I right, mathletes? Similarly, new international-terrorism soap Homeland has careened from iffy to gripping to slippery over the previous 11 episodes, and it’s tough to imagine how they’re going to tie it up, much less set it up for the second season that’s already been ordered. Somebody exhume Jack Bauer, quick.
Also new Sunday:
Allen Gregory (season/series finale, Fox); Geek Love, All-American Muslim (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT)
Obligatory blog question: So what are you going to watch this weekend?
What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!
American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.
Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)
What’s new tonight: Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC) Series Debuts: How can you go wrong with a comedy (Up All Night) starring Will Arnett, Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph, produced by the brains behind 30 Rock? Base it around a needy baby. Likewise, how can you miss with a comedy (Free Agents) starring Hank Azaria, Katherine Hahn and Natasha Leggero? Base it around needy PR reps. Both of these new (mercifully laugh-track-free) sitcoms should be waaay funnier than their pilots indicate, and Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso shouldn’t be seen at all—these could be resolved by the next episode, so proceed with caution.
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Premiere: Is it a musical? No, just the usual bungles in the jungle, now with the added Redemption Island element. Assclown “Coach” returns, as does heartthrob Ozzy—and there’s even a couple of Utahns in the mix. Awww ...
H8R (The CW) Series Debut: Worthless reality trash like Snooki and Kim Kardashian get to confront their most vocal H8Rs (haters—get it?) and ask, “Yo, why you calling me worthless reality trash?” Will the nadirs and the H8Rs hug it out, or slug it out? Exactly: meh. Sadly, I’m sure this will be canceled long before they get to the Episode 8 shouting match I taped with the Cake Boss. Hate that guy …
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Season Premiere: It’s the all-star losers edition, with past contestants looking to smize their way back into America’s hearts, pants, etc.—even last season’s whiny-ass Alexandria. Also appearing in the ANTM season premiere is Nicki Minaj … shouldn’t she be on H8R?
Hulk Hogan’s MCW (TruTV) Series Debut: The Hulkster launches his Micro Championship Wrestling league (the rasslers are tiny, not the league), and the reality cameras just happen to be rolling.
Also new tonight: Big Brother (season finale, CBS); America’s Got Talent (season finale, NBC); Buried Treasure (season finale, Fox); Damages (season finale, DirecTV); Necessary Roughness (season finale, USA); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Ton of Cash (VH1); Storage Wars (A&E); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)
Ack! It’s Hank Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso in Free Agents!
CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS)O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …
Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC)Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.
Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS)Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.
Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.
How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS)Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!
Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW)Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …
Survivor: Fiji Thursday 2.8 (CBS)Season Premiere: Last time around it was the controversial “race wars,” pitting tribes of different nationalities against each other … for two whole weeks, then it was business as usual. Now, evil reality-TV kingpin Mark Burnett is promising all kinds of new bullshit “shocking twists” that will eventually turn out to be the same old cast of grimy whiners playing sticks and fire on a stupid island—and you’re all still going watch rapt. Purely coincidental that his next project is Fox’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?
Juvies Thursdays (MTV) After years of creating young criminals, MTV now chronicles their daily lives in a juvenile center—I love this network! Whatever did they program before reality shows? What’s that you say? Music? Ha!
The 49th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday 2.11 (CBS) Everybody knows music is dead; the Grammy Awards prove it once a year. Take the Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal category—first of all, the title’s longer than the careers of most Best New Artists. Second, you’ve got The Raconteurs’ “Steady as She Goes,” a direct rip-off of Joe Jackson’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” vs. the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Dani California,” a blatant crib of Tom Petty’s “Last Dance With Mary Jane”—not to mention their 78th single featuring the abuse of a “California” reference. Then there are the nominations for talent-averse groups like the Pussycat Dolls (Spice Girls 2.0 with extra skank on the side) and Stone Sour (Puddle of Mudd minus the jaunty backwards baseball cap) … MTV really used to waste airtime on this stuff? Wild.
Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job; Saul of the Mole Men Sunday 2.11 (Adult Swim)Live-Action Series Debuts: Late at night, the Cartoon Network becomes Adult Swim—legally, it doesn’t have to include animation (call a lawyer if you must). The duo’s Tom Goes to the Mayor was barely animated at all, so Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job is a logical-ish extension that mashes-up elements of Mr. Show, Wondershowzen and blunt trauma to the head, all in network-defying live-action. Saul of the Mole Men sends up low-budget Saturday-morning action-adventures of the ‘70s (Land of the Lost, Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, et al), then dumbs ‘em down even further and, like Awesome Show and most everything else on Adult Swim, shrinks it to an ADD-palatable 15 minutes—c’mon, we’ll watch anything for 15 minutes … Do you have any gum? Let’s ride bikes!
The Bad Girls Club Tuesdays (Oxygen) The new favorite show of The Only TV Column That Matters™ … at least for one episode. The set-up: Seven self-proclaimed “bad girls” live together in a typical SoCal Reality House in order to confront and tame their “badness,” or something. What really happens: Bitches go crazy! There’s fighting and crying galore, but The Bad Girls Club’s moment of infamy arrived when housemate Ripsi (no one saw it coming with that name?) got blackout drunk and went on a blotto furniture-destroying, trash-talking, hair-pulling, throat-throttling rampage that was like a harmonic convergence of Jerry Springer, Cops and America’s Next Top Tequila-Soaked Waif. In other words, great TV—and apparently the only episode Oxygen ever repeats, constantly. Cool with me.
DVD The Amazing Screw-On Head Paul Giamatti voices the title character, a secret-agent metal head that screws into robot bodies to battle the evil Emperor Zombie at the behest of President Lincoln—yeah, hard to believe the Sci-Fi Channel has yet to turn this into a regular animated series. For steampunk geeks only. LionsGate.com
The Grudge 2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Joan of Arcadia take on Japanese creepies in a horror sequel at least as unanticipated as The Ring 2—or even The Blair Witch Project 2 (remember that?). Since everyone here is more concerned with looking pretty than acting, it’s at least … pretty. SonyPictures.com
Incubus College coeds are terrorized by a serial killer in an abandoned factory. Don’t ask why the hell they’re in an abandoned factory—ask why we’re supposed to believe Tara Reid as a college coed. While you’re at it, ask why a horror movie is named after a pansy-ass rock band. Go ahead. SonyPictures.com
More New DVD Releases (2.6) Baywatch: Season 3, Charmed: Season 7, Flags of Our Fathers, Flicka, Hellboy: Sword of Storms, Hollywoodland, Running With Scissors, The Science of Sleep, Trust the Man
BROADBAND
The Bad Girls Club Oxygen, which was supposed to be a Web-savvy network when it launched, is sorely lacking in Bad Girls Club content—the drunken catfights and other good bits (whatever those may be) are everywhere else on the Internet butOxygen.com. A YouTube search on the series is better than the actual show:
