TV Weekend: Torchwood, True Blood, Curb, Entourage

What’s new this weekend:
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz, tonight) Season Finale: Might be series finale, at least in ‘Merica, for Cap’n Jack and Gwen—viewership in miniscule, even by Starz standards. Maybe they were put off by having to actually think, or it could have been all of the naked, heaving, sweaty man-lovin’. Either way, Team T-wood makes one last desperate attempt to take down the mysterious Three Families and get the people of Earth back to just dying, already. If Jack happens upon some dudes to fuck, so be it, USA.



Friends With Benefits (NBC, tonight) Series Finale: Speaking on miniscule viewership … how the hell is this still even on? The completely-unrelated movie with Justin Timberlake and Meg Griffin was much better, despite JT’s character, a hotshot web designer, declaring his proud use of Times New Roman. Seriously?

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Haven (Syfy); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Whisker Wars (IFC); Sugar High (Food Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); The Soup (E!)

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) After a stellar return episode two weeks ago with “Let’s Kill Hitler,” Doctor Who turned in a rare turd last Saturday—evil toy dolls in an armoire? Doc, puh-lease. Tonight, sounds like we’re back on track: Amy is trapped in an alien hospital! Even worse, they have a socialized healthcare system …

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Jabberwock (Syfy); iCarly (Nickelodeon); Bad Dog! (Animal Planet); I Faked My Own Death (Discovery); Outnumbered (BBC America)

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: The utterly ridiculous fourth season of the already-ridiculous True Blood comes to a spectacularly ridiculous conclusion—on Halloween, no less. HBO’s been teasing that some regulars are going to die … News Flash: Most of the regulars (i.e. vampires) are already fucking dead! See ya next season, Bon Temps.



Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: Larry’s epic trip to New York comes to a head in a whining/shouting showdown with asshole neighbor Michael J. Fox. Nice.

Entourage (HBO, Sunday) Series Finale: It’s finally over. Will Ari reconcile with Mrs. Ari (aka Melissa—I really expected a better name reveal)? Will Drama hang onto his cartoon sitcom? Will Eric get back together with Sloan? Will Turtle … what was he up to, again? Will Vince make Career Comeback #68? Will this alleged Entourage movie really happen? Let's say ... no, to all.

Squidbillies (Adult Swim, Sunday) Season Premiere: Helping America heal—thanks, Adult Swim.

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, SLC, 21+) to watch it on the big screen with a big beer, totally free. (8 pm)

Also new Sunday:
9/11 Tributes Galore (Most Channels); Football (Other Channels); In the Flow With Affion Crockett (Fox); The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo); The Great Food Truck Race (Food Network)

TV Tonight: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (Again)

This particular Tuesday is fucked, TV-wise: There’s nothing new I can, in good conscience, recommend to watch, nor anything even worth a snarky swipe. So let’s do this …

What’s rerunning tonight:
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) From Sunday: A classic Curb, with Larry and Rosie O’Donnell fighting over the same bisexual woman in NYC. Larry’s edge? “Juicing” with a little blue pill supplied by just-arrived Leon (J.B. Smoove, easily the funniest CYE supporting player ever). The baseball parallels are priceless, and Rosie finally reminds us that she used to be a comedian. And if you think this one is hysterical (you should), wait till the Sept. 4 “Mr. Softee” episode. No wonder Season 8 is killing it in the ratings.

Entourage (HBO) From Sunday: Meanwhile, in the waning weeks of Entourage, the series is showing some signs of getting its shit together—better late than an ill-advised continuation movie, right? In the episode “Motherfucker,” E is seduced into bed by the ex-stepmother of his ex-fiancee Sloan, Melinda Clarke (played nicely by Melinda Clarke). Thing is, actress “Melinda” is also desperate for a gig and begging E to be her agent—what about Nikita? Does The CW not count as viable employment? Never mind. Next week: We finally learn Mrs. Ari’s first name! Squeal!

New tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); What Not to Wear (TLC); Downsized (We); Web Therapy (Showtime)

It’s Larry vs. Rosie on Curb Your Enthusiasm …

To the Curb

Torchwood Saturday 9.8 (BBC America) Series Debut: A spin-off (and anagram) of Doctor Who that’s being pitched as a sci-fi combo plate of The X-Files, Angel and, well, Doctor Who: A team of pretty special-ops agents keep watch on a space/time rift in Cardiff, Wales, and use acquired alien technology to battle whatever baddies pop out of it. Torchwood continues BBC America’s summer hot streak (if you forget about Hotel Babylon, which you should), even if it falls slightly short of Jekyll. Oh, and like Britain’s previous Buffy the Vampire Slayer tribute Hex, there’s plenty of sex. But not as much as …

Tell Me You Love Me Sunday 9.9 (HBO) Series Debut: Home Box Office answers the “It’s HBO-ver!” naysayers of the post-Sopranos era with a meta-depressing rumination on Relationships and Intimacy that makes Ingmar Bergman look like Judd Apatow. Too much? OK, breaking it down: You. May. Kill. Yourself. Before. Episode. Three. Tell Me You Love follows four couples at various stages of marriage working through trust and commitment issues while … too much again? Try this: There’s a whole lotta graphic sex, including a scene in the premiere with Lost’s Sonya Walger performing a tug-job on her husband that could have only been simulated with a prosthetic—which would be even weirder than the actual sex that’s rumored to have been filmed for the series. If this all sounds like more draining work than pirating Showtime, you’re right. For real creepy awkwardness, stick with …

Curb Your Enthusiasm Sunday 9.9 (HBO) Season Premiere: What valuable social lessons has Larry David learned since the last new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm way back in December 2005? You know, when he died? None—he’s a rich white guy, what’s to learn? In the Season 6 opener, Larry and Cheryl take in a family of Hurricane Katrina survivors (it’s a Cheryl thing, natch), conveniently named … the Blacks. Upcoming episodes involve the violation of unspoken drycleaner codes, roadside memorials, teddy bears and Ted Danson, as well as the disturbing revelation that one of Larry’s pals has been masturbating in his house (HBO now stands for Habitually Beating Off, apparently). In other words, it’s still the hysterically real/unreal Curb you and the network pray never ends—and in what universe is Richard Lewis dating Tia Carrere?

Frisky Dingo Sundays (Adult Swim) Season 2 of Frisky Dingo premiered Aug. 26—which was unexpected, considering the planet was supposedly driven into the sun by supervillain Killface’s Annihilatrix doomsday device at the end of the first. Turns out it malfunctioned and actually pushed the earth’s orbit 3 feet away from the sun, stopping global warming. Now he’s an insta-hero running for president while former millionaire playboy/Iron Man-esque nemesis Xander Crews is a destitute porn star. This is he part where you assume I’m going to say, “It all makes sense if you watch it.” Yeah … anyway, Frisky Dingo: Funny and educational for the marketing of evil pinheads for president—listen up, Brownback-ers.

Rescue Me Wednesday 9.12 (FX) Season Finale: So Season 4 of Rescue Me has been shakier than an all-Gavins AA meeting—it’s still better than any series out there, comedy or drama. Denis Leary has delivered both in a double-barreled shotgun blast of pathos every week, no matter how many ridiculous new characters clutter the scenes (Leary’s latest girlfriends, Gina Gershon and Amy Sedaris, make Callie Thorne’s whacked Sheila look like a pillar of sanity). The season-ender cliffhangers, however, must go, because none—not even tonight’s—live up to Leary’s lingering threat of having all the 62 Truck firefighters die in an out-of-control blaze. There’s always Season 5 … right, FX?