TV Weekend: Torchwood, True Blood, Curb, Entourage

What’s new this weekend:
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz, tonight) Season Finale: Might be series finale, at least in ‘Merica, for Cap’n Jack and Gwen—viewership in miniscule, even by Starz standards. Maybe they were put off by having to actually think, or it could have been all of the naked, heaving, sweaty man-lovin’. Either way, Team T-wood makes one last desperate attempt to take down the mysterious Three Families and get the people of Earth back to just dying, already. If Jack happens upon some dudes to fuck, so be it, USA.



Friends With Benefits (NBC, tonight) Series Finale: Speaking on miniscule viewership … how the hell is this still even on? The completely-unrelated movie with Justin Timberlake and Meg Griffin was much better, despite JT’s character, a hotshot web designer, declaring his proud use of Times New Roman. Seriously?

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Haven (Syfy); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Whisker Wars (IFC); Sugar High (Food Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); The Soup (E!)

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) After a stellar return episode two weeks ago with “Let’s Kill Hitler,” Doctor Who turned in a rare turd last Saturday—evil toy dolls in an armoire? Doc, puh-lease. Tonight, sounds like we’re back on track: Amy is trapped in an alien hospital! Even worse, they have a socialized healthcare system …

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Jabberwock (Syfy); iCarly (Nickelodeon); Bad Dog! (Animal Planet); I Faked My Own Death (Discovery); Outnumbered (BBC America)

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: The utterly ridiculous fourth season of the already-ridiculous True Blood comes to a spectacularly ridiculous conclusion—on Halloween, no less. HBO’s been teasing that some regulars are going to die … News Flash: Most of the regulars (i.e. vampires) are already fucking dead! See ya next season, Bon Temps.



Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: Larry’s epic trip to New York comes to a head in a whining/shouting showdown with asshole neighbor Michael J. Fox. Nice.

Entourage (HBO, Sunday) Series Finale: It’s finally over. Will Ari reconcile with Mrs. Ari (aka Melissa—I really expected a better name reveal)? Will Drama hang onto his cartoon sitcom? Will Eric get back together with Sloan? Will Turtle … what was he up to, again? Will Vince make Career Comeback #68? Will this alleged Entourage movie really happen? Let's say ... no, to all.

Squidbillies (Adult Swim, Sunday) Season Premiere: Helping America heal—thanks, Adult Swim.

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, SLC, 21+) to watch it on the big screen with a big beer, totally free. (8 pm)

Also new Sunday:
9/11 Tributes Galore (Most Channels); Football (Other Channels); In the Flow With Affion Crockett (Fox); The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo); The Great Food Truck Race (Food Network)

TV Tonight: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (Again)

This particular Tuesday is fucked, TV-wise: There’s nothing new I can, in good conscience, recommend to watch, nor anything even worth a snarky swipe. So let’s do this …

What’s rerunning tonight:
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) From Sunday: A classic Curb, with Larry and Rosie O’Donnell fighting over the same bisexual woman in NYC. Larry’s edge? “Juicing” with a little blue pill supplied by just-arrived Leon (J.B. Smoove, easily the funniest CYE supporting player ever). The baseball parallels are priceless, and Rosie finally reminds us that she used to be a comedian. And if you think this one is hysterical (you should), wait till the Sept. 4 “Mr. Softee” episode. No wonder Season 8 is killing it in the ratings.

Entourage (HBO) From Sunday: Meanwhile, in the waning weeks of Entourage, the series is showing some signs of getting its shit together—better late than an ill-advised continuation movie, right? In the episode “Motherfucker,” E is seduced into bed by the ex-stepmother of his ex-fiancee Sloan, Melinda Clarke (played nicely by Melinda Clarke). Thing is, actress “Melinda” is also desperate for a gig and begging E to be her agent—what about Nikita? Does The CW not count as viable employment? Never mind. Next week: We finally learn Mrs. Ari’s first name! Squeal!

New tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); What Not to Wear (TLC); Downsized (We); Web Therapy (Showtime)

It’s Larry vs. Rosie on Curb Your Enthusiasm …

Endless Bummer

You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.

The PFs obviously know nothing of the excellent work filling up an insane amount of cable space this summer; most of it better than any pretentious fucking movie they’d theoretically soil themselves over on the Independent Film Channel, while The Only TV Column That Matters™ is just waiting for IFC originals The Business, Minor Accomplishments or The Henry Rollins Show. Or that flick with all the Anne Hathaway topless scenes—hey, it was in the name of Independent Art.

The PFs could never deny the high artiness of HBO’s (now canceled) John From Cincinnati, a testament at least to the network’s willingness to take a chance and blow a truckload of money on something that makes less sense than The Sopranos’ finale—was John actually Jesus? An alien? A mystical meld of Coreys Haim and Feldman? Whatever. My prediction that the increasingly intense Big Love (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26) would become HBO’s new flagship drama is looking better all the time; not so much with Entourage, which is losing it as fast as Flight of the Conchords (renewed for 2008, BTW) is gaining a cult rep as the ultimate premium-cable musical comedy. Maybe even better than Tenacious D … yeah, I said it.

The Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, a True TV reality favorite no matter what the season, dropped a 12-ton musical bombshell of its own during its current summer run: Receptionist Mary Alice’s brother is the lead singer of … Clutch! Most PFs can agree that Clutch is the greatest band in the known universe, and now they’ve gotten more airplay in 30 minutes on the Food Network than in 10 years of MTV. Suck on that.

Even Lifetime has broken its cycle of Women In Peril Who Still Manage to Be Stylish Professionals Whilst in Bitter Custody Battles With Their Abusive Trailer Park Husbands crapola this summer with Army Wives (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26), a surprisingly good military soap opera that walks a fine line between patriotism and pathos. Just overlook the fact that its record ratings inspired Lifetime to launch State of Mind and Side Order of Life, two half-assed dramas not even up to Oxygen snuff. Ouch.

Or blame TNT’s runaway hit The Closer for the basic-cable wave of ancient actresses (you know, over 40!) in tough-chick roles. Just because The Closer—a standard-issue cop drama—lucked out with Kyra Sedgwick and an equally interesting supporting cast, TNT took another shot with Holly Hunter in Saving Grace (interestingly weird show, but Hunter has to carry it), and FX handed over Damages to Glenn Close (who can’t wrangle the 85 subplots). Still, either is better than any given CSI or Law & Order, and especially TNT’s flat-line House clone Heartland.

Poor ol’ Treat Williams got stuck with that dog, while Jeffrey Donovan has nailed pure cool in USA’s killer Burn Notice (picked up for another season) and Denis Leary still delivered the goods in FX’s Rescue Me (even though the series is going utterly batshit crazy around him) throughout the summer. It ain’t fair, but at least you’re not a guest perp on Criminal Minds, Treat.

None of these guys had as much fun with a role as James Nesbitt has in BBC America’s Jekyll (series finale Saturday, Aug. 25), which has come and now almost gone with far too little notice. As smart science-fiction goes, this Jekyll & Hyde upgrade gets it as dead-on right as Sci-Fi’s lame-o Flash Gordon remake gets it painfully wrong. More on that in next week’s True TV: The summer’s most sucktastic slop. You’ll love it, ya pretentious fucks.

Cable Ready

Flight of The Conchords Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Series Debut: Meet the new Tenacious D—if the D were more skinny, subtle and Auckland-y. Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement are The Conchords, “New Zealand’s fourth most popular musical comedy duo,” looking to make it big in America, or at least New York City. Unfortunately, their incompetent manager (a la HBO’s Extras) won’t book them gigs at night because “it’s dangerous out there,” their lone fan is a creepily obsessed housewife and their first music video was shot on a camera phone. It might be blasphemy to say that The Conchords’ daily misadventures and hysterical songs rival Tenacious D’s, but the debut Flight episode kills … and it’s not even the funniest one.

Entourage Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Season Premiere: Yes, already—don’t ask me to explain it. You can, however, call me on my prediction that Vince’s Pablo Escobar dream project will never be filmed: Entourage’s fourth-season opener is shot as a behind-the-scenes doc of … The Making of Medellin. It’s a clever change-up for the usually glam series to get on-location dirty in Columbia, but is director Billy Walsh having a meltdown over budget constraints or the fact that Vince, who’s had such a righteous hard-on to get this movie right, didn’t even bother to grow a real fucking mustache to play Escobar? Cheesy stick-on ‘stache aside, Medellin does indeed wrap production—as for the final cut, well, that’s next week’s problem.

The 4400, The Dead Zone Sunday 6.17 (USA) Season Premieres: Jesus, er, Jordan Collier (Billy Campbell) is now a series regular on The 4400, despite having been assassinated last season—because no one’s going to watch a show called The 4399. On The Dead Zone, Johnny (Anthony Michael Hall) is no longer seeing visions of the apocalypse, even the Antichrist has taken office as the Vice President of the United States … when did this become a documentary?

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Sunday 6.17 (Adult Swim) Not only did Robot Chicken creators Seth Green and Matt Senreich get George Lucas’ permission to ironically/satirically/scatologically re-create the Star Wars canon with stop-motion action figures, they got Lucas himself to provide the voice for his own character—good humor or evil genius? Never know with that guy. Do I even need to add that Robot Chicken’s version of Star Wars is better than Episodes 1, 2 and 3?

The Closer Monday 6.18 (TNT) Season Premiere: Without Kyra Sedgwick, her Golden Globes and excellent supporting cast, a standard-issue cop show like The Closer would never have become The Biggest Cable Series of All Damn Time (as TNT would probably love to subtitle it). Unlike the average fatally flawed FX antihero, Sedgwick’s ex-CIA-turned-LAPD chief Brenda Johnson’s biggest vice is sugar—and she’s still as captivating as The Shield’s Vic Mackey; just imagine if she started offing perps after a bad Splenda binge. As Season 3 opens, she has a grisly triple homicide and department budget cuts to deal with—bust out the Little Debbies!

Heartland Monday 6.18 (TNT) Series Debut: Stop me if you've heard this one before: A brilliant asshole of a surgeon who plays by his own rules routinely pisses off his colleagues but always saves the life at the end of the day/show. Yes, it’s Treat Williams as House, minus the limp and stubble … and pretty much everything else. Oh, and he works with his bitter ex-wife and the series is called Heartland because he’s an organ-transplant specialist. Probably. Don’t really care. TNT dumped Saved (last year’s waaay better medical Closer companion) for this?

But ... Pirates

Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.

The Starter Wife Thursday 5.31 (USA) Miniseries Debut: If you haven’t heard about this one, you don’t have cable—or TV, or sensory perception. The USA Network has never promoted an event as heavily as The Starter Wife, a four-hour-that-coulda-been-two miniseries starring Ned & Stacey’s (sorry, Will & Grace’s) Debra Messing as the just-dumped spouse of a Hollywood power weasel trying to find herself with the help of her friends (one cynical, one sweet, one gay—bases covered) and zippy one-liners (“Of course I’m cranky! I haven’t eaten for 12 years!”). The irony of 38-year-old Messing playing a 40-something in a pseudo-commentary on Hollywood’s treatment of older women aside, The Starter Wife is hyper-colorful fun that nicely balances laughs and Touching Moments, even when you know exactly where it’s headed (Will she find happiness with a younger/hotter man than her douchebag husband? Duh. Is the guy who played Will unemployable?). This may also be Messing’s I’m-Not-Grace breakout role—but she’ll always be Stacey to me.

Hex Saturday 6.2 (BBC America) Season Premiere: It didn’t make much sense, but last year’s BBC America run of the addictive British supernatural series Hex at least kept you asking, “What’s going to happen next? And what just happened now?” Nutshell: Unpopular schoolgirl gains witch-y powers, her lesbian roommate is killed by a hunky demon, said roommate remains as a wisecracking ghost, together they must battle the minions of Satan—and possibly a cease-and-desist order from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s lawyers. In the second and final season, Unpopular Girl is dead and a centuries-old demon-hunting witch has taken her place; wisecracking and rampant sex (hey, it’s cable—and British) continue unabated.

Entourage Sunday 6.3 (HBO) Season Finale: In a network first, HBO won’t make you wait two years for the next season of a series: Entourage’s fourth will begin on June 17—never mind the long-ass break in this third season and just go with it. That said, not much of a cliffhanger here: Does anyone really think Medellin is ever going to get made? And am I the only one concerned about how easy it was for Drama to storm into The Hollywood Reporter’s offices a few weeks ago and confront a TV critic? No? Just me, then … Drama rules!

The Riches Monday 6.4 (FX) Season Finale: FX has granted second seasons to Dirt (eh) and The Riches (woo-hoo!), but only the latter earned it—and with far less hype. The Riches, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver as gypsy grifters posing as wealthy suburbanites living on the edge of being found out, has evolved quietly from quirky setup to societal-class study without getting (too) preachy about it. Izzard’s Wayne/Doug, originally the optimistic Man With a Plan, has become a broken “lawyer,” while Driver’s Dahlia/Cherien, at first a druggy wreck, is looking more and more like the only “Rich” who’ll be able to hold the family and the scam together. As with the first season of the like-minded Big Love, The Riches’ first closes with the threat of exposure; also similarly, that’s the least of their problems.

The Shield Tuesday 6.5 (FX) Season Finale: Don’t we end every season of The Shield saying “the shit’s all coming down, man!”? Well … the shit’s all coming down, man!

Celebrity Skin

The Office, 30 Rock Thursday 4.5 (NBC) Super-Sized Episodes: You say The Only TV Column that Matters™ writes too much about The Office and 30 Rock? Ahem … don’t you know who I am? I’m Utah’s Best Newspaper Columnist! Back off! Anyway, on tonight’s new 42-minute Office, Daryl tries to get a raise from Michael and Roy begins his reign of terror on Jim—thanks, Empowered Pam. On the 39-minute return episode of 30 Rock, Arrested Development’s Will Arnett guests as a west coast NBC exec who’s after Alec Baldwin’s job. Hysterical over-overacting ensues; television may not be able to contain this—not even high-def.

Punk’d Saturday 4.7 (MTV) Series Finale Marathon: For the first time ever, a network is rolling out an entire season of show in one day—and then MTV plans on running the same Punk’d episodes weekly on Tuesday nights. Genius or insanity? Since MTV’s target audience is generally even dumber than MTV’s reality “stars” (don’t worry, they’re not reading … anything), let’s go with genius. And yes, this really is the final season of Punk’d; Ashton Kutcher told me so … wait a minute …

The Sopranos, Entourage Sunday 4.7 (HBO) Season Premieres: A day in jail or a weekend in the countryside—where do you think Tony would get jumped by a sweaty goombah? A fat-guy fight and a special birthday “gift” from Carmella aside, the first episode of The Sopranos’ final stretch is fairly domestic and introspective for Tony, who’s not quite feeling his old self and seems to be sensing the end of the line (in, say, eight more episodes?). If you want laughs, you’ll have to wait till next week, when we finally get to see some of Christopher’s “Saw meets Godfather II” film production, wherein Daniel Baldwin (!) takes the fired Ben Kingsley “to fuckin’ actin’ school.” On that note: Vince has a new agent on Entourage: Carla Gugino, so you know he’s going to nail her. Ari, meanwhile, is struggling with post-partum “feelings” (!!) after being canned by Vince—now that’s comedy.

The King of Queens Monday 4.8 (CBS) Season Premiere: Doug becomes a vegan, Carrie remains a bitch … so, final season, huh? Yeah, that’s a shame …

Thank God You’re Here Monday 4.8 (NBC) Series Debut: Fabulous celebrities (well, Joel McHale of The Soup, Newman from Seinfeld and some other C-listers) are thrust blindly into improv-comedy situations in front of a live audience—apparently, it was either this or picking up trash along the highway. The shells of David Allen Grier and Dave Foley’s former selves host.

Friday Night Lights, ‘Til Death Wednesday 4.11 (NBC, Fox) Season Finales: One of the most critically exalted new shows of the season and one of the most reviled, both ending on the same night—guess which I’ve actually seen more than one episode of? Good call. There’s a certain nobility in the way ‘Til Death seems determined to drag this dead horse of a sitcom premise (essentially Married With Children minus the deep intellectual subtext and hot teen daughter) across the finish line into the great Fox Comedy Graveyard. Not that it’ll be missed; just sayin.’ As for Friday Night Lights … look, I don’t even consider college ball a real sport—are you seriously asking me to care about high-school football? I’d rather watch improv, fergawdsakes.

DVD
Entourage: Season 3 Pt. 1 Vince hits big with Aquaman and nails more hot women—but Ari and Drama still rule. Highlights: James Woods and Seth Green as James Woods and Seth Green. (HBO.com)

The Good Shepard Slightly less dull (but still longer) than an actual documentary about the CIA, starring Matt Damon and his Serious Eyeware. (NBCUniversal.com)

Guys Gone Wild: Spring Break Explosion Drunk buff-boys prance around naked in a schlong-swingin’ frenzy—but they’re not gay, dude. Just completely shaved. Dude … (GuysGoneWild.com)

Jump In The Valuable Life Lessons of High School Musical, plus the razor’s edge tension of Double Dutch jump-rope competition! Squeal! (Disney.com)

Tom Goes to the Mayor: The Complete Series It seemed bizarre before Tim & Eric: Awesome Show; now, not so much. But hey, we’ll always have Bass Fest. Rats off to ya! (AdultSwim.com)

Volver A woman (Penelope Cruz) learns that women are divine beings and men are utterly disposable jerk-offs. Yeah, sounds about right. (SonyPictures.com)

More New DVD Releases (4.3) Black Xmas, Hardcastle & McCormick: Season 2, Law & Order: Season 5, The Lost Room, Twin Peaks: Season 2

BROADBAND
The Sopranos in 7 Minutes Don’t have time to catch up on five seasons of The Sopranos before it all comes to an end? Of course you don’t. As always, someone with waaay too much time on their hands has solved your problems: a YouTube video that condenses the entire story thus far with deft editing and sarcastically simple narration: