You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.
The PFs obviously know nothing of the excellent work filling up an insane amount of cable space this summer; most of it better than any pretentious fucking movie they’d theoretically soil themselves over on the Independent Film Channel, while The Only TV Column That Matters™ is just waiting for IFC originals The Business, Minor Accomplishments or The Henry Rollins Show. Or that flick with all the Anne Hathaway topless scenes—hey, it was in the name of Independent Art.
The PFs could never deny the high artiness of HBO’s (now canceled) John From Cincinnati, a testament at least to the network’s willingness to take a chance and blow a truckload of money on something that makes less sense than The Sopranos’ finale—was John actually Jesus? An alien? A mystical meld of Coreys Haim and Feldman? Whatever. My prediction that the increasingly intense Big Love (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26) would become HBO’s new flagship drama is looking better all the time; not so much with Entourage, which is losing it as fast as Flight of the Conchords (renewed for 2008, BTW) is gaining a cult rep as the ultimate premium-cable musical comedy. Maybe even better than Tenacious D … yeah, I said it. 
The Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, a True TV reality favorite no matter what the season, dropped a 12-ton musical bombshell of its own during its current summer run: Receptionist Mary Alice’s brother is the lead singer of … Clutch! Most PFs can agree that Clutch is the greatest band in the known universe, and now they’ve gotten more airplay in 30 minutes on the Food Network than in 10 years of MTV. Suck on that.
Even Lifetime has broken its cycle of Women In Peril Who Still Manage to Be Stylish Professionals Whilst in Bitter Custody Battles With Their Abusive Trailer Park Husbands crapola this summer with Army Wives (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26), a surprisingly good military soap opera that walks a fine line between patriotism and pathos. Just overlook the fact that its record ratings inspired Lifetime to launch State of Mind and Side Order of Life, two half-assed dramas not even up to Oxygen snuff. Ouch.
Or blame TNT’s runaway hit The Closer for the basic-cable wave of ancient actresses (you know, over 40!) in tough-chick roles. Just because The Closer—a standard-issue cop drama—lucked out with Kyra Sedgwick and an equally interesting supporting cast, TNT took another shot with Holly Hunter in Saving Grace (interestingly weird show, but Hunter has to carry it), and FX handed over Damages to Glenn Close (who can’t wrangle the 85 subplots). Still, either is better than any given CSI or Law & Order, and especially TNT’s flat-line House clone Heartland.
Poor ol’ Treat Williams got stuck with that dog, while Jeffrey Donovan has nailed pure cool in USA’s killer Burn Notice (picked up for another season) and Denis Leary still delivered the goods in FX’s Rescue Me (even though the series is going utterly batshit crazy around him) throughout the summer. It ain’t fair, but at least you’re not a guest perp on Criminal Minds, Treat.
None of these guys had as much fun with a role as James Nesbitt has in BBC America’s Jekyll (series finale Saturday, Aug. 25), which has come and now almost gone with far too little notice. As smart science-fiction goes, this Jekyll & Hyde upgrade gets it as dead-on right as Sci-Fi’s lame-o Flash Gordon remake gets it painfully wrong. More on that in next week’s True TV: The summer’s most sucktastic slop. You’ll love it, ya pretentious fucks.
Tonight’s one-hour season finale of Ace of Cakes (Food Network) delivered two impossible creations: A dead-on replica of a Royal typewriter (see, kids, back in the dark ages … never mind) and a football monstrosity roughly the size of a Mini Cooper that Duff and the Charm City Cakes crew drove from Baltimore to Miami for the Super Bowl. Whether these cakes are actually edible is beside the point—they’re engineering and artistic marvels; if you can eat ‘em, bonus. Me, I’m saving up for a cake re-creation of Jimi Hendrix burning his Strat at Monterey Pop (see, kids, Jimi Hendrix … never mind).
The O.C. Thursday 2.22 (Fox) Series Finale: Chrismukka, The Ironist, Dead Coop, “Karl Rove” Taylor, Hippie Summer, Parallel-Universe Ryan, Saint Sandy, Vodka Kiki, Madame Julie, the last known sighting of Rooney—how are we ever gonna live without The O.C.? Plenty of you have for the last two seasons, even though the series has experienced a major creative rebound recently, thus reinforcing my argument that Marissa should have been killed off looong ago, perhaps trapped in a Bait Shop fire with The Killers. But, how’s it all gonna end? Kiki’s baby arrives miraculously? The whole gang moves outta Newport? Zombie Marissa shows up and no one can tell the difference? Luke makes a surprise return to utter the series’ closing line, “That’s how it was done in the O.C., bitches”? A couple of these are true …
Ace of Cakes Thursdays (Food Network) Usually, I have as much use for the Food Network as I do non-disposable dishes and utensils—but then I ran across Ace of Cakes, the American Chopper of culinary shows. Baltimore baker Duff Goldman and his boho crew of artists (not chefs) craft crazy cakes that require as much architectural skill as frosting finesse; sometimes power tools even come into play. Reality “docu-soaps” (think every series on A&E; Food Network just has this one) are only as good as their characters, and Ace of Cakes is loaded with ‘em—most notably Goldman’s right-hand man Geof, who seems to be living his own internal Seinfeld episode. The tattoo-shop shows are so over—bring on the pastries.
The Black Donnellys Monday 2.26 (NBC) Series Debut: Otherwise known around NBC as The Show That’s Gonna Save Monday Nights! Seriously! Yes, despite giving Aaron Sorkin’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip a full-season pickup and letting it bleed Heroes’ ratings for months, NBC has finally yanked the show (tonight, Feb. 19, is your last chance) and given no indication what’s going to happen with the remaining unaired episodes (how about a DVD combo package with the last season of Joey?). Anyway, The Black Donnellys … it was better when it was a ‘90s indie flick called Southie—co-starring Studio 60’s Amanda Peet! The four lovable Irish Donnelly brothers get caught up with the New York City mob (oh, Southie was Boston, big difference), and they’ll do anything to protect one another because it’s Family Above All or some such catchphrase. It’s hack work, but at least it’s great-looking hack work—a Paul Haggis (creator/director; Crash) specialty.
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Tuesday 2.27 (Fox) Series Debut: Mentioned this show a few weeks ago and everybody—and I do mean everybody—thought I was making it up. No, it’s for real: Adults are sent back to class and tested on fifth-grade material which, of course, they’ve long since forgotten since none of it applies to reality (or reality TV). It’s hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who’s contractually bound to say “You might be dumber than a fifth grader if …” and it’s preempting House, because Fox is all about building goodwill with viewers.
Veronica Mars Tuesday 2.27 (The CW) Last Episode Before Hiatus: Veronica’s going on vacation and The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is taking her CW slot through March. That’s right: One of the strongest young female role models in the one of the smartest and best-scripted shows on television is being sidelined so a pre-fabricated group of talentless skanks can find new a talentless skank to shake her moneymaker on the tube so middle-aged businessmen too cheap to spring for pay-per-view can spank away in the hotel room. Way to go, CW!
DVD
American Hardcore Despite the glaring shortage of Dead Kennedys material (!), Paul Rachman’s punk-doc still covers the titular scene of ’79 to ’86 well, with rare live footage of Black Flag, Minor Threat, Bad Brains, DRI, The Adolescents, 7 Seconds and more … plus the obligatory Rollins rants. SonyPictures.com
For Your Consideration This Is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, Best In Show—no, For Your Consideration doesn’t quite live up to the rest of the Christopher Guest canon, but it’s still light years beyond Norbit, fergawdsakes. And it’s arriving just in time for Oscars weekend! Wha happened? WarnerBros.com
Shut Up & Sing Those wacky Dixie Chicks just don’t like Dubya, and who can argue? Not so much the case back in 2003, when Natalie Maines blasted Bush and became a country-music pariah. Shut Up & Sing documents the hysteria that followed … in case you missed it in the news every day. WeinsteinCo.com
More New DVD Releases (Feb. 20) Alias Smith & Jones: Season 1, Flushed Away, The Journalist & the Jihadi, Man of the Year, Night of the Living Dorks, Penn & Teller: Bullshit: Season 4, The Prestige, Walking Tall: The Payback
You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.
