KSL’s We Are Utah: It Ain’t The Playboy Club

What’s KSL 5 running this Monday at 9 instead of NBC’s moral-fabric-of-society-destroying The Playboy Club? Something just as edgy! Or at least, something.

This press release doesn’t quite clear it up:

“We Are Utah features the people, places and cultural quirks that make Utah a great place to live.

“We will explore everything Utah, from our bad driving records, to our beautiful people and our amazing talents. And we’ll have fun with the cultural quirks that we all recognize and love as we hit the streets, ‘Jaywalking’ style, to figure out why we can’t pronounce ‘Layton.’ We will venture into the streets of Utah, from businesses to schools, trying to make sense of it all.

“We invite you to tune in, be part of our journey and be proud to be a Utahn. We think?!%$%. This is an exciting departure of style for KSL, so expect the unexpected!”

Other than an inordinate amount of time in “the streets,” still not sure what the hell We Are Utah is supposed to be. Maybe these promos will help:





Nope.

TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny, Archer

 What’s new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Season Premiere: Being over 14 and the owner of a penis, I really have no idea what’s been going on with TVD over the past two seasons, but I do know this: It can’t possibly be any more ridiculous than what’s been going on over at True Blood … right? Sez The CW about Season 3 opener “The Birthday”: “On the morning of Elena's (Nina Dobrev) 18th birthday, Caroline (Candice Accola) is busy planning a party, but Elena is focused on searching for any clues that might help her discover where Stefan (Paul Wesley) is. Damon (Ian Somerhalder) is also searching for Stefan, while trying to protect Elena and keep her from doing anything that would draw Klaus' (Joseph Morgan) attention. Meanwhile, Klaus and Stefan are busy trailing a werewolf named Ray Sutton (guest star David Gallagher, Super 8). Now working at the Mystic Grill along with Matt (Zach Roerig), Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is struggling to understand why he keeps seeing the ghosts of Vicki (guest star Kayla Ewell) and Anna (guest star Malese Jow) since he was brought back to life by Bonnie's (Kat Graham) magic. Meanwhile, Alaric (Matt Davis) does his best to watch over Elena and Jeremy, while dealing with his grief over Jenna's death. Finally, Caroline and Tyler (Michael Trevino) face a new and unexpected challenge.” Whew. You got served, Bon Temps.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Series Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Season Premiere: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Archer (FX) Mini-Season Premiere: This “special assignment” run is only for three weeks, as The League returns on Oct. 6; Archer’s third season premieres for real early 2012. In the “Heart of Archness” trilogy, Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) is hiding out in the South Pacific after the murder of his fiancée at the end of last season—and then, naturally, he becomes a pirate king. Guest voices: Patrick Warburton and David Cross.

CMT Made: Roller Derby (CMT) Derby Alert: A divorcee single mom joins Colorado’s Rocky Mountain Rollergirls to “get her life together.” Because roller-derby girls are just models of stability.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout (season finale, ABC); Project Runway, Dance Moms, Russian Dolls (Lifetime); Impact Wrestling (Spike); Jersey Shore (MTV)

An Archer crossover with It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Dare to dream …

TV Tonight: Up All Night, Free Agents, Survivor, ANTM

What’s new tonight:
Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC) Series Debuts: How can you go wrong with a comedy (Up All Night) starring Will Arnett, Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph, produced by the brains behind 30 Rock? Base it around a needy baby. Likewise, how can you miss with a comedy (Free Agents) starring Hank Azaria, Katherine Hahn and Natasha Leggero? Base it around needy PR reps. Both of these new (mercifully laugh-track-free) sitcoms should be waaay funnier than their pilots indicate, and Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso shouldn’t be seen at all—these could be resolved by the next episode, so proceed with caution.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Premiere: Is it a musical? No, just the usual bungles in the jungle, now with the added Redemption Island element. Assclown “Coach” returns, as does heartthrob Ozzy—and there’s even a couple of Utahns in the mix. Awww ...

H8R (The CW) Series Debut: Worthless reality trash like Snooki and Kim Kardashian get to confront their most vocal H8Rs (haters—get it?) and ask, “Yo, why you calling me worthless reality trash?” Will the nadirs and the H8Rs hug it out, or slug it out? Exactly: meh. Sadly, I’m sure this will be canceled long before they get to the Episode 8 shouting match I taped with the Cake Boss. Hate that guy …

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Season Premiere: It’s the all-star losers edition, with past contestants looking to smize their way back into America’s hearts, pants, etc.—even last season’s whiny-ass Alexandria. Also appearing in the ANTM season premiere is Nicki Minaj … shouldn’t she be on H8R?

Hulk Hogan’s MCW (TruTV) Series Debut: The Hulkster launches his Micro Championship Wrestling league (the rasslers are tiny, not the league), and the reality cameras just happen to be rolling.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (season finale, CBS); America’s Got Talent (season finale, NBC); Buried Treasure (season finale, Fox); Damages (season finale, DirecTV); Necessary Roughness (season finale, USA); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Ton of Cash (VH1); Storage Wars (A&E); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)

Ack! It’s Hank Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso in Free Agents!

The DABC Show: Squatters

In an epic (but not Epic—different brewery, different episode) outing for The DABC Show (Drinking Alcoholic Beverages Constantly), Steve “Scorsese” Koonce and I hit Squatters to drink, eat, drink some more and maybe even learn something about their tasty beers. Even though it took as long as Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy to produce, this super-sized DABC Show is split into two parts, so it’s more like Use Your Illusion I & II. Here’s what happened:

TV Tonight: Ringer, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Ringer (The CW) Series Debut: The first new show of the season! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) returns to TV as a stripper/junkie on the lam from a Wyoming(?) crime lord—wait, there’s more! When her estranged New York socialite twin sister (oh, the awkward split-screen acting) disappears after an apparent suicide, she assumes her identity and soon learns that city sis has been living in a 1980s General Hospital subplot of lies, affairs and uptight British husbands (Ioan Gruffudd). But! Is stripper sister actually being set up by socialite sister to take the fall for something even more sinister? And enough with all the mirrors—we get it. Double-life intrigue didn’t work out for last year’s spectacularly failed Lone Star, but Ringer has a certain trashy/soapy appeal that will probably carry it beyond two episodes, even though Gellar is 10 years past The CW’s demographic (and 15 past ABC Family’s, where this show really belongs).

Parenthood (NBC) Season Premiere: The first old show of the season! Now that Adam (Peter Krause) is out of a job, he considers going into the ever-so-lucrative recording studio business with Crosby (Dax Shepard). Even more unbelievable, Sarah (Lauren Graham) freaks out over turning … 40. Not to be a dick, but that is a hard 40. Meanwhile, the rest of the adults do something angsty and the kids do something adorable. Welcome to Season 3!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Clay cuts a questionable deal with the Mayans! Gemma worries that Jax may find out more about SAMCRO’s questionable past! You make the not-in-the-least questionable choice to come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 pm and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen with a bigger beer! Everybody wins.

Also new tonight:
90210 (The CW); America’s Got Talent, It’s Worth What? (NBC); Wipeout (ABC); Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); What Not to Wear, Big Sexy (TLC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Get those hankies out—Parenthood is back tonight.