TV Tonight: Happy Endings, Criminal Minds, South Park

What’s new tonight:
Happy Endings (ABC) Max’s high-school girlfriend drops in on the gang—awkward, since, you know, he’s all gay now. Meanwhile, Jane discovers that Brad has a “work wife” and sets out to land her own “office husband.” And these are just two of what’s sure to be a dozen hilarious situations tonight!

Criminal Minds (CBS) Garcia asks the BAU team for help when a mother in her survivors support group goes missing on the anniversary of her daughter’s kidnapping—weird. Even weirder, computer jockey Garcia’s going out into the field! She always gets shot when she does that!

South Park (Comedy Central) Season Finale: It’s the Season 15 finale, so it’s time for another bummer cliffhanger: When his parents are jailed (what took so long?), Kenny and his siblings are forced into foster care—which can only be a step up, right? Not if Cartman’s plan to keep Kenny down and broke are successful, and Cartman does have an oddly high success rate.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central) Season Finale: Nick welcomes fellow comics Duncan Trussell (The Lavender Hour!) and Owen Benjamin (no idea!) to talk about sketches that somehow didn’t make it onto the show, and then there’s something about drunk girls in a fast-food joint—it’s all sure to be funny as hell, trust me, as I’m one of there several hundred people who watch Pretend Time, like, every week.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America's Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); The Real World (MTV); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Extreme Couponing (TLC); Psych (USA); American Horror Story (FX)

They just wanna legalize meth on Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, y’all!

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, Up All Night, Happy Endings

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) After a splashy premiere episode two weeks ago and a letdown of a follow-up last Wednesday, American Horror Story gets back on freaky track tonight—not that it makes a hell of a lot more sense, of course. Thanks to a “murder house” bus tour (gotta love L.A.), we learn a little bit more on the backstory of the Victorian and why no one besides Ben (Dylan McDermott) is dumb enough to buy it. Speaking of brainless Ben, his abortion-skipping ex-girlfriend drops in for a surprise visit, as does his new half-faced “buddy.” Spoiler: It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Up All Night (NBC) It’s a flashback episode about the birth of baby Amy (the show’s weakest ink—do we really need this kid around?) and Chris’ (Will Arnett) decision to become a stay-at-home dad. Me, I’d prefer a flashback ep that explains his extensive collection of Panama Jack shirts—maybe for Sweeps, huh?

Happy Endings (NBC) On the real Funniest Wednesday Comedy (sorry, Modern Family), Jane forces the gang to make “vision boards” so they can all “achieve their dreams.” If I have to spell out the many, many opportunities for hilarity here, you’re probably the kind of person who has a “vision board.” Move along.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts, Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family), Psych (USA)

Just another pleasant, uneventful episode of American Horror Story … 

TV Tonight: Suburgatory, Happy Endings, The X Factor

What’s new tonight:
Suburgatory (ABC) Series Debut: Stupid name, mostly funny show: A New York City single dad and teen daughter (Jeremy Sisto and Jane Levy) move to the suburbs and discover that everyone and everything there is shiny and fake—I know, mindblower. What Sisto (last seen on Law & Order: Original Flavor) lacks in comedy chops, costar Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) more than makes up for in an over-the-top-of-the-top performance as a minivan mom from Toddlers & Tiaras hell. Plus, Suburgatory was created by writers who’ve worked on Parks & Recreation and Hung—sold!

Happy Endings (ABC) Season Premiere: The only single-pals comedy to survive the spring is back! In the Season 2 opener, Penny (Casey Wilson) buys a condo, and we all know there’s nothing funnier than a condo. Little real-estate humor there …

The X Factor (Fox) The karaoke trainwreck rolls on into New York and … New Jersey. I only mention The X Factor because I’ll be on Fox 13’s Good Day Utah again tomorrow morning around 8, providing expert (?) commentary about tonight’s auditions. Just go with it.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Free Agents, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); The Real World (MTV)

This is Suburgatory—and yes, that is Lloyd from Entourage.