TV Tonight: 30 Rock, The Finder, Rob, Up All Night

What’s new tonight:
30 Rock (NBC) Season Premiere: About fucking time. Consider everything NBC has canceled since the last new 30 Rock episode was aired in … May 2011. Anyway: In the Season 6 premiere, Jenna becomes a hit as a kiddie-berating judge on a TV talent show, Liz tries to be more positive (not likely) and Kenneth preps for The Rapture (slightly more likely). Now let’s see if 30 Rock anchor the night as a lead-off series at 7 ... uh oh.

The Finder (Fox) Series Debut: Geoff Stults (7th Heaven) and Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) star in the Bones spin-off about a witty-weird military vet and his large attorney who can find anything or anyone, anywhere or anytime—hence, The Finder. Female sidekick Saffron Burrows was fired after the within-Bones show introduction last year either due to her over-the-top-of-the-top Cockney accent or her height (over 6 feet). They would have been the tallest cast on TV, Fox!

Rob (CBS) Series Debut: It’s shit. Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Up All Night (NBC) New Night: Yes, the network has swapped Whitney and Up All Night, which kicks off its new timeslot with an oh-so-topical episode about New Year’s Eve. Hey, it’s funny—no one’s even going to notice.

Also new tonight: 
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Parks & Recreation, The Office, The Firm (NBC); Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)

How we first met The Finder last year, with nary a trace of Saffron Burrows:

TV Tonight: Top Chef Texas, Up All Night, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) Season Premiere: Host Padma Lakshmi in Daisy Dukes eating BBQ ribs? Sold. There’s probably more to the latest edition of the Top Chef competition, set in “Texas” as a whole, not any one Lone Star State city, but the promos don’t really spell it out. Tonight’s season premiere kicks off in Austin, the most un-Texas town in the land; after that, redneckery galore!

Up All Night (NBC) Tonight, we meet Reagan’s (Christina Applegate) estranged parents, who happen to be Blythe Danner and Richard Schiff, and they’re uncomfortably affectionate—an odd combo with “estranged,” hence, comedy.

American Horror Story (FX) Halloween Pt. 2: FX’s highest-rated show, like, ever, is also just fucking stressful: How many horrible things can happen in one Halloween night? You’ll find out in the second half, as well as (finally) a little more backstory on creepy Tate and the real reason that Zachary Quinto came out of the closet right before his guest arc on the show (he plays a bitchy-gay ghost waaay too convincingly).

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Steve Jobs: One Last Thing (PBS); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Work of Art (Bravo); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery)

This isn’t even half of the shit going down on American Horror Story tonight:

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, Up All Night, Happy Endings

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) After a splashy premiere episode two weeks ago and a letdown of a follow-up last Wednesday, American Horror Story gets back on freaky track tonight—not that it makes a hell of a lot more sense, of course. Thanks to a “murder house” bus tour (gotta love L.A.), we learn a little bit more on the backstory of the Victorian and why no one besides Ben (Dylan McDermott) is dumb enough to buy it. Speaking of brainless Ben, his abortion-skipping ex-girlfriend drops in for a surprise visit, as does his new half-faced “buddy.” Spoiler: It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Up All Night (NBC) It’s a flashback episode about the birth of baby Amy (the show’s weakest ink—do we really need this kid around?) and Chris’ (Will Arnett) decision to become a stay-at-home dad. Me, I’d prefer a flashback ep that explains his extensive collection of Panama Jack shirts—maybe for Sweeps, huh?

Happy Endings (NBC) On the real Funniest Wednesday Comedy (sorry, Modern Family), Jane forces the gang to make “vision boards” so they can all “achieve their dreams.” If I have to spell out the many, many opportunities for hilarity here, you’re probably the kind of person who has a “vision board.” Move along.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts, Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family), Psych (USA)

Just another pleasant, uneventful episode of American Horror Story … 

TV Tonight: Up All Night, Free Agents, Survivor, ANTM

What’s new tonight:
Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC) Series Debuts: How can you go wrong with a comedy (Up All Night) starring Will Arnett, Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph, produced by the brains behind 30 Rock? Base it around a needy baby. Likewise, how can you miss with a comedy (Free Agents) starring Hank Azaria, Katherine Hahn and Natasha Leggero? Base it around needy PR reps. Both of these new (mercifully laugh-track-free) sitcoms should be waaay funnier than their pilots indicate, and Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso shouldn’t be seen at all—these could be resolved by the next episode, so proceed with caution.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Premiere: Is it a musical? No, just the usual bungles in the jungle, now with the added Redemption Island element. Assclown “Coach” returns, as does heartthrob Ozzy—and there’s even a couple of Utahns in the mix. Awww ...

H8R (The CW) Series Debut: Worthless reality trash like Snooki and Kim Kardashian get to confront their most vocal H8Rs (haters—get it?) and ask, “Yo, why you calling me worthless reality trash?” Will the nadirs and the H8Rs hug it out, or slug it out? Exactly: meh. Sadly, I’m sure this will be canceled long before they get to the Episode 8 shouting match I taped with the Cake Boss. Hate that guy …

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Season Premiere: It’s the all-star losers edition, with past contestants looking to smize their way back into America’s hearts, pants, etc.—even last season’s whiny-ass Alexandria. Also appearing in the ANTM season premiere is Nicki Minaj … shouldn’t she be on H8R?

Hulk Hogan’s MCW (TruTV) Series Debut: The Hulkster launches his Micro Championship Wrestling league (the rasslers are tiny, not the league), and the reality cameras just happen to be rolling.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (season finale, CBS); America’s Got Talent (season finale, NBC); Buried Treasure (season finale, Fox); Damages (season finale, DirecTV); Necessary Roughness (season finale, USA); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Ton of Cash (VH1); Storage Wars (A&E); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)

Ack! It’s Hank Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso in Free Agents!