TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Jersey Shore

What's new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Return: Says here, “Klaus uses violence to convey that no one will be safe until he gets his family back, Tyler tries to cope with recent changes, and Alaric meets a beautiful doctor who is intrigued by his ability to heal.” Unfortunately, said doc is Torrey DeVitto, not Rachel Bilson—really had my hopes up for a Vampire Diaries/Hart of Dixie crossover and/or bloodbath.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Return: Says here, "Cassie shares a deep secret with Adam, Faye asks a mysterious stranger (Grey Damon) for help with a spell, and Diana is ecstatic when her grandmother visits." Fortunately, said nana is Stepfanie Kramer—Dee Dee McCall from Hunter! Wiki it, kids …

Jersey Shore (MTV) Season Premiere: Yes, already. For Season 5 (!), the guido gang is back in New Jersey and, wouldn’t ya know it?, they’re already drunk and fighting. Isn’t it time to move this nostalgia act over to TV Land?

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC)

Oh, the drama of The Vampire Diaries! 

TV Tonight: Whitney, Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny

What’s new tonight:
Whitney (NBC) What wacky She Said/He Said misunderstanding will befall Whitney tonight? Get this: Whitney (Whitney Cummings) discovers that Alex (Chris D’Elia) actually had hobbies and got out of the apartment and did stuff before he hooked up with her, so she insists they play raquetball together—boooiiinnng! Ball jokes ahoy! And then the gang does some other funny shit and the studio audience laughs. It’s a real studio audience, yo!

The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW) Fall Finales: They’re both outta here until January … that’s all I got. Need more, girls? OK … uh … Vampires! Werewolves! Forbidden love! Er … Twilight? And we’re done here.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Says here, “The gang’s plan to extract an artifact is jeopardized when the owners turn out to be home.” This can’t end well, now can it?

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Can’t go wrong with a Thai-food-burning-yr-asshole gag, eh Whitney?

TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny, Archer

 What’s new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Season Premiere: Being over 14 and the owner of a penis, I really have no idea what’s been going on with TVD over the past two seasons, but I do know this: It can’t possibly be any more ridiculous than what’s been going on over at True Blood … right? Sez The CW about Season 3 opener “The Birthday”: “On the morning of Elena's (Nina Dobrev) 18th birthday, Caroline (Candice Accola) is busy planning a party, but Elena is focused on searching for any clues that might help her discover where Stefan (Paul Wesley) is. Damon (Ian Somerhalder) is also searching for Stefan, while trying to protect Elena and keep her from doing anything that would draw Klaus' (Joseph Morgan) attention. Meanwhile, Klaus and Stefan are busy trailing a werewolf named Ray Sutton (guest star David Gallagher, Super 8). Now working at the Mystic Grill along with Matt (Zach Roerig), Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is struggling to understand why he keeps seeing the ghosts of Vicki (guest star Kayla Ewell) and Anna (guest star Malese Jow) since he was brought back to life by Bonnie's (Kat Graham) magic. Meanwhile, Alaric (Matt Davis) does his best to watch over Elena and Jeremy, while dealing with his grief over Jenna's death. Finally, Caroline and Tyler (Michael Trevino) face a new and unexpected challenge.” Whew. You got served, Bon Temps.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Series Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Season Premiere: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Archer (FX) Mini-Season Premiere: This “special assignment” run is only for three weeks, as The League returns on Oct. 6; Archer’s third season premieres for real early 2012. In the “Heart of Archness” trilogy, Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) is hiding out in the South Pacific after the murder of his fiancée at the end of last season—and then, naturally, he becomes a pirate king. Guest voices: Patrick Warburton and David Cross.

CMT Made: Roller Derby (CMT) Derby Alert: A divorcee single mom joins Colorado’s Rocky Mountain Rollergirls to “get her life together.” Because roller-derby girls are just models of stability.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout (season finale, ABC); Project Runway, Dance Moms, Russian Dolls (Lifetime); Impact Wrestling (Spike); Jersey Shore (MTV)

An Archer crossover with It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Dare to dream …