TV Weekend: Hoops & Yoyo, Dear Santa, Leverage, Walking Dead

What’s new this weekend:
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas (CBS, tonight) Holiday Special: A pink cat and green bunny stow away on Santa’s sleigh and, somehow, cause a rift in the space-time continuum, thus sending them back in time to accidentally derail the destiny of a young Kris Kringle. I shit you not. We have enough Christmas cartoons now, right?

Also new tonight:
The Elf on a Shelf (CBS); Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Olive the Other Reindeer (The CW); Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse (TBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Dear Santa (Lifetime, Saturday) Holiday Movie: A woman (Amy Acker of Angel and Dollhouse) intercepts a letter to Santa from a young girl wishing for a new mom. Naturally, the woman tracks down the widower and puts a plan in motion to become that new mom. Not creepy nor scary in the least.

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Primevil (BBC America); Storm War (Syfy)

Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On (TV Guide, Sunday) Series Debut: Riding the rediscovery wave thanks to Bridesmaids (yeah, sure), ‘90s footnote Wilson-Phillips discover that juggling family life and recording a “comeback” album that absolutely no one wants to hear ain’t easy. Oh, and TV Guide is a real channel.

Leverage (TNT, Sunday) Winter Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Midseason Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith (ABC); The Amazing Race (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Soul Train Awards (BET); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

Lest you don’t believe me that Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On is real:

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: Dancing With the Stars, Workaholics, SOA

What’s new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Two-Hour Season Finale: So this shit is finally over—is Nancy Grace still in the running/hoofing? No? Then I really don’t care. Even worse, DWTS is bumping Body of Proof, ABC’s only non-crap Tuesday series, tonight. At least I still have …

Workaholics (Comedy Central) Season Finale: In a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode, the guys decide to spend Turkey Day at Hedonism II, thus ensuring half-naked babes and drunken debauchery—if Blake can score a passport in six hours, that is.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) After finding daddy Piney dead last week, Opie’s out to fuck somebody up tonight! And it’s Clay! Maybe Jax, too! Hell, he may kill all of SAMCRO and next season it’ll just be the Opie & Otto Show. If Otto survives this one, that is. Come watch it all blow up on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars (A&E); Covert Affairs (USA)

Opie’s on the rampage and Tara’s in trouble on tonight’s Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Castle, The Layover, Death Valley

What’s new tonight:
Castle (ABC) Remember how Det. Beckett (Stana Katic) got shot at the end of last season? And how it’s barely been addressed this season? That denial comes back to bite her in the narrow ass tonight when a sniper goes on a random citywide killing spree and Beckett’s PTSD conveniently kicks into high gear. Will the episode end with a tear-jerking, partners-gotta-have-each-other’s-backs speech from Castle (Nathan Fillion)? Have you never seen this show?

The Layover (Travel) Series Debut: International badass Anthony Bourdain finds stuff to do, see and eat during 24-48-hour layovers—presumably while filming his other show, No Reservations. First up: Singapore … oh, this oughta be good …

Death Valley (MTV) Season Finale: If that other zombie show has been spending too much time on talking about “feelings,” “relationships” and other bullshit for your tastes, you should give Death Valley a spin—there’s waaay more undead brain-splattering, and it’s intentionally funny, too. Of course, as with any show I actually like on MTV, it’ll probably be canceled after tonight to make room for Teen Mom 8. Damn it.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, You Deserve It (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

Can you keep up with Anthony Bourdain on The Layover?