Patton's Chapped Penis

Comedian Patton Oswalt was on Late Night With Conan O'Brien tonight promoting his Pixar rat movie (like it needs that one extra push) and his funny-as-hell new CD Werewolves & Lollipops (which got a 5-second plug--something's wrong with this picture). He opened with the story of getting a chapped penis while walking around Salt Lake City a couple of months ago during a comedy tour stop with Janeane Garofalo. How does one chap one's penis? Apparently, it involves chilly weather and corduroy pants. Bravo, Patton, for weaving kids' movie promotion, Salt Lake City and dick hygiene into a 5-minute Conan appearance! Let's see Dane Cook top that ...

True! Not Tru!

Court TV has announced that it will henceforth be known as TruTV (actually, a pretentious lowercase truTV) to better serve its "dual-gender audience that loves programming with real people in exciting real-life situations and a strong interest in compelling stories and characters."

Whatever. I came up with the same name for my TV column five years ago. Those fuckers can't have it ... Oh, they're owned by TimeWarner and have zillions of dollars at their disposal? Guess they can use it, then--just leave the "e" out and maybe we'll be cool, you corporate bastards. And if anyone can make sense of this, please let me know:

"Early in the rebranding process, we realized that the current network name doesn't reflect the direction of our programming or our growing target audience of 'real engagers.' "In truTV, we now have the ideal name that fits both the programming and the target audience. The network will be top of mind for 'real engagers' seeking real-life action programming, real-life emotion and access to places they can't normally go."

What in the name of Nancy Grace is a 'real engager'? Can I really engage in legal action for my rightful name?

DVDs 7.10.07

Beauty & The Beast: Season 2 Sure, it was ridiculous—it was the ‘80s: A giant sewer rat and a lonely urbanite find love and fight crime. This lasted three seasons. Paramount.com

Extras: Season 2 Even funnier than the first, and with more guest stars, including Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, Ian McKellen and a horny Harry Potter. HBO.com

The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark The (non-robot) brains behind Mystery Science Theater 3000 ridicule ‘60s noir, the seedy Sunset Strip and, well, strippers. FilmCrewOnline.com

My Super Sweet 16: Seasons 1 & 2 Pinhead parents throw lavish birthday parties for their asshole teens who squeal and whine anyway. Watch ‘em again and again! Paramount.com

The Page Turner A chilling French revenge thriller set in the high-stakes world of classical piano … No, I can’t believe I just typed that, either. TartanVideo.com

Skateboarding Explained Step 1: Place left foot on the board. Step 2: Push off with right foot. Step 3: Wait around to be hassled by The Man. Repeat. SkateboardingExplained.com

More New DVD Releases (7.10) The Astronaut Farmer, Bewitched: Season 5, The Contractor, Hustle: Season 3, The Last Mimsy, The Last Time, Sweet Land

BROADBAND
The Bill Engvall Show Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are on one end of the Redneck Rat Pack’s comedy spectrum (damn near killed ‘em!), Ron White and Bill Engvall are on the other—not that it’s wide or anything. So how’s Engvall’s new sitcom, debuting Tuesday, July 17 on TBS? Going by the network’s dozen-odd online previews, nowhere near as bad as you’d imagine, no matter which end you prefer. Plus, Nancy Travis got a job! Nice.

Down With OCD

Monk, Psych Friday 7.13 (USA) Season Premieres: Need a reason to give Monk a shot, hipsters? How about guest star Sarah Silverman? Way back in Season 2, before Silverman began her ascension to Basic Cable Goddess (Comedy Central’s hit Sarah Silverman Program) and Cult Film Uber J.A.P. (Jesus Is Magic), she played the phobic detective’s No. 1 fan/stalker. You’ll still probably hate Monk, but at least you’ll have some new YouTube material for your own obsessive blog shrines. In Psych’s second-season opener, the show has finally figured out how to walk the crime drama/buddy comedy line: throw out the drama completely. Shawn and Gus investigate a murder threat against a judge on TV karaoke-talent show American Duos, played Simon Cowell-ishly by Tim Curry. Naturally, they go undercover as a singing twosome and take mucho swipes at American Idol and its ilk—but none can match guest Gina Gershon’s hysterically unhinged homage to Paula Abdul. Without the cop-show pretense, Psych is the funniest series on USA … besides Nashville Star.

Drive Friday 7.13 (Fox) Two-Hour Series Finale—This Time for Real, Probably: Fox decided that Friday the 13th would be a more advantageous send-off/burn-off date for the canceled Drive than July the 4th. Or they’re just fucking with you again, thousands of desperate Drive fans stuck with TiVos full of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and House reruns all summer, longing for closure. Face it—Fox hates you.

Supergator Saturday 7.14 (Sci-Fi) A prehistoric killer alligator re-created from fossilized DNA escapes from a bio-engineering lab and threatens a luxury resort—why are these secret government labs always next door to luxury resorts? Did they learn nothing from Frankenfish or Dinocroc?

Rock of Love, Scott Baio Is 45 & Single Sunday 7.15 (VH1) Series Debuts: The full title is Rock of Love With Bret Michaels; it’s the Poison frontman’s version of Flavor Flav’s Flavor of Love: Formerly relevant ‘80s music star sifts through skanks in search of an everlasting infection, er, bond with the “ultimate rock star girlfriend.” Since the ultimate rock star girlfriends usually end up abandoned, strung out and/or dead, good times (or Rock of Love 2) a’comin’! Scott Baio’s also looking for love; he’s opted for his own series instead simply hanging around outside of NBC’s Age of Love backstage door and picking up the 40-something castoffs with the foolproof line, “Hey, I’m Scott Baio.”

Side Order of Life, State of Mind Sunday 7.15 (Lifetime) Series Debuts: A magazine photographer (Marisa Coughlin) reconsiders marrying Jason Priestly after receiving a “wake-up call from the universe.” That call: “It’s Jason Priestly—he’ll have his own dating show on VH1 any day now! Run!” State of Mind stars Lili Taylor as therapist whose own—wait for it—personal tics rival those of her colorful patients. It’s the TNT formula: Respected film actress (like The Closer’s Kyra Sedgwick or Saving Grace’s Holly Hunter) + quirky premise (Southern cop in Los Angeles or alcoholic cop talking to angels) = ratings gold. Unless said actress is utterly unlikable thanks to a lame-ass arc on Six Feet Under. Not naming names …

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America Monday 7.16 (NBC) The only person on earth less interesting than Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham is her husband—and NBC was going to make a six-part reality series about both of ‘em moving to Los Angeles. Now, it’s been truncated into a one-hour “special” centered on the one with no discernible talent—yes, in relative terms here, soccer is a talent. Does Coming to America reveal that there’s more to “international superstar” Victoria than a dead-eyed trout stare and perma-perk plastic tits? No … Hollywood. By. Storm.