TV Tonight: The River, Doomsday Preppers, Justified, AHS

What’s new tonight:
The River (ABC) Series Debut: A supernatural-tinged mystery series about being Lost in the wilderness? This is something entirely new for ABC. Beloved wildlife TV personality Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) goes missing in the Amazon and is presumed deader than Steve Irwin—until his emergency beacon turns on six months later. When Emmet’s wife, son and a motley camera crew head into the rainforest to find him, bizarre incidents and gruesome deaths (documented shakily by said camera crew) ensue in Paranormal Activity-like fashion—coincidentally, The River was co-created by Paranormal Activity’s Oren Peli. The real selling point: It’s only eight episodes long.

Doomsday Preppers (NatGeo) Series Debut: Of the several dozen reality shows on former educational channels about toothless rednecks with shitty jobs currently piling up in the TV guide, Doomsday Preppers at least has a great title. It’s also perfectly self-explanatory: Rednecks are gearing up for the end of the world; here’s who you’ll be begging for rations when the apocalypse hits. Yeah, sorry.

Justified, American Horror Story (FX) Every Tuesday before the apocalypse, you can join me at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm for a beer and Justified on the big screen, followed by a Season 1 encore of American Horror Story at 9 (FX).

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Dance Moms (Lifetime), Undercover Princes (TLC); Inkmaster (Spike); Tosh.0, Key & Peele (Comedy Central); White Collar (USA)

Here’s how they roll on The River: 

TV Tonight: Psych, Barbara Walters, Lady Hoggers, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Psych (USA) Season Finale: Shawn and Juliet’s romantic getaway (at “Neil Simon’s Lovers Retreat,” one might gather from the episode title) is wrecked by a robbery, a murder and Shawn’s premature ejaculation … no, wait, just the first two. They’ve learned to work around the other thing.

Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 (ABC) Would you believe, the Kardashians, Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family), Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry and Pippa Middleton? That doesn’t even add up to 10! WT Fuck?

Lady Hoggers (A&E) Season Finale: In other Shows I Didn’t Even Know Existed news, Lady Hoggers concludes its first season with, presumably, some ladies doing a bit of hogging. That’s what I got; they can’t all be gems.

American Horror Story (FX) Penultimate Episode: Means “next to last,” kids. Tonight, Violet and Tate try to kick some of the other ghosts out of the house, as some of them (OK, all of them) are just such DRA-MA queens. Oh, and Vivien finally gives birth to those double demon babies, thus kicking off The Apocalypse and daring next week’s season finale to top this shit.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Soup (E!)

American Horror Story: The end (literally) is near …

TV Tonight: ANTM, Modern Family, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars (The CW) Season Finale: Will the Cycle 17 winner be crazy Lisa, ghetto Angelea or weird Allison (above)? Since Lisa is too obvious and Angelea is too terrible (seriously, how did she get this far?), let’s go with Allison. Keep in mind, I haven’t correctly picked a winner since Cycle 1—don’t bet on my choice, compulsive gamblers.

Modern Family (ABC) Christmas Episode: In order to expedite the holidays, everyone is assigned tasks: Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree; Gloria does the ornaments; Jay and Cameron wrap presents; Phil, Claire and Manny … seem to be missing from the chore list. Am I the only one thinking sexy road trip with Manny running the camera? Yeah, probably.

American Horror Story (FX) Not Even Close to a Christmas Episode—It’s Titled “Smoldering Children”: Violet (and we) finally learn the house’s ghost rules, so everything is going to make complete sense now. Also, a little more backstory on Larry’s burnt face, and Constance is hauled in by the cops for questioning. All I want to know is, will Mena Suvari (mrrrow) be sticking around as the Black Dahlia? And where exactly are these “smoldering children,” anyway?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Psych (USA); The Soup (E!)

So WT Fuck is going on in this America’s Next Top Model finale promo? And why is ANTM still not in HD?

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: ANTM, CMA Awards, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) The girls head to Greece—and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s an underwear shoot. Will Christ-y Shannon refuse to strip down again, just like she did waaay back in Season (sorry, Cycle) 1? As you can see by the photo above, she prefers to keep it modest. Forecast: Dra-ma.

The 45th Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) You won’t be seeing any of your favorite ABC shows tonight, because the network is devoting three fucking hours to already-overplayed country-music acts, hosted by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. But, if you really need your Modern Family fix, you can see Cam (Eric Stonestreet) on …

American Horror Story (FX) The story of Tate is finally told, and it’s predictably bloody and crazy. Meanwhile, Ben treats a new patient (Stonestreet) who’s afraid of being murdered by a fictional (?) pig-man, which bears no relation to South Park’s ManBearPig. Does it go well? Does anything ever go well on this show?

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Psych (USA)

America’s Next Top Model strips down in Greece tonight …

TV Tonight: Top Chef Texas, Up All Night, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) Season Premiere: Host Padma Lakshmi in Daisy Dukes eating BBQ ribs? Sold. There’s probably more to the latest edition of the Top Chef competition, set in “Texas” as a whole, not any one Lone Star State city, but the promos don’t really spell it out. Tonight’s season premiere kicks off in Austin, the most un-Texas town in the land; after that, redneckery galore!

Up All Night (NBC) Tonight, we meet Reagan’s (Christina Applegate) estranged parents, who happen to be Blythe Danner and Richard Schiff, and they’re uncomfortably affectionate—an odd combo with “estranged,” hence, comedy.

American Horror Story (FX) Halloween Pt. 2: FX’s highest-rated show, like, ever, is also just fucking stressful: How many horrible things can happen in one Halloween night? You’ll find out in the second half, as well as (finally) a little more backstory on creepy Tate and the real reason that Zachary Quinto came out of the closet right before his guest arc on the show (he plays a bitchy-gay ghost waaay too convincingly).

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Steve Jobs: One Last Thing (PBS); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Work of Art (Bravo); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery)

This isn’t even half of the shit going down on American Horror Story tonight:

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, Up All Night, Happy Endings

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) After a splashy premiere episode two weeks ago and a letdown of a follow-up last Wednesday, American Horror Story gets back on freaky track tonight—not that it makes a hell of a lot more sense, of course. Thanks to a “murder house” bus tour (gotta love L.A.), we learn a little bit more on the backstory of the Victorian and why no one besides Ben (Dylan McDermott) is dumb enough to buy it. Speaking of brainless Ben, his abortion-skipping ex-girlfriend drops in for a surprise visit, as does his new half-faced “buddy.” Spoiler: It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Up All Night (NBC) It’s a flashback episode about the birth of baby Amy (the show’s weakest ink—do we really need this kid around?) and Chris’ (Will Arnett) decision to become a stay-at-home dad. Me, I’d prefer a flashback ep that explains his extensive collection of Panama Jack shirts—maybe for Sweeps, huh?

Happy Endings (NBC) On the real Funniest Wednesday Comedy (sorry, Modern Family), Jane forces the gang to make “vision boards” so they can all “achieve their dreams.” If I have to spell out the many, many opportunities for hilarity here, you’re probably the kind of person who has a “vision board.” Move along.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts, Work of Art (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family), Psych (USA)

Just another pleasant, uneventful episode of American Horror Story … 

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, South Park, Penn & Teller

New shows picked up for full seasons: New Girl (Fox); Whitney, Up All Night (NBC); 2 Broke Girls (CBS). Canceled already: The Playboy Club (NBC). Old shows in danger of cancellation over $ disputes: The Simpsons (Fox); Dexter (Showtime).

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) Series Debut: Two conclusions after watching the pilot of American Horror Story: 1. Showrunner Ryan Murphy has some seriously dark weirdness to work out after three seasons of Glee, and 2. The Walking Dead won’t be the scariest show on TV this fall. Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton headline a killer cast (which also includes Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy) as a couple who moves across the country with some heavy marital baggage and a teenage daughter (Taissa Farmiga) to Los Angeles into—what else?—a haunted Victorian. The setup is familiar, but the execution, from the deliciously Grindhouse-style opening and closing credits to the slowly stacking creepiness and tension in between, makes for the best horror movie no one’s made in years. At least, for the first episode, which is all FX has provided so far—let’s see if American Horror Story can sustain the intensity until Christmas. [Update: Episode 2 airing Oct. 12 falls on the “meh” side, so maybe not.]

South Park (Comedy Central) Midseason Premiere: If you recall, the first half of this season left off on a major bummer, what with Stan having an existential crisis on his 10th birthday and all. There’s more of that tonight, as well as Cartman dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome—when did South Park turn into The Big C?

Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery) Series Debut: Done with Bullshit!, Penn & Teller move onto bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, truth! in Tell a Lie, a shell game of a TV show wherein you have to pick which wacko scientific theory is actually real. Great, more homework …

Raising Hope (Fox) Special Night: Apparently, The X Factor could only fill 90 minutes tonight, so we get an extra ep of Raising Hope. Enjoy!

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Free Agents, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); Dance Moms (Lifetime); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Couponing (TLC); The Real World (MTV)

American Horror Story brings that Ryan Murphy freak-magic back to FX: