You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.
The PFs obviously know nothing of the excellent work filling up an insane amount of cable space this summer; most of it better than any pretentious fucking movie they’d theoretically soil themselves over on the Independent Film Channel, while The Only TV Column That Matters™ is just waiting for IFC originals The Business, Minor Accomplishments or The Henry Rollins Show. Or that flick with all the Anne Hathaway topless scenes—hey, it was in the name of Independent Art.
The PFs could never deny the high artiness of HBO’s (now canceled) John From Cincinnati, a testament at least to the network’s willingness to take a chance and blow a truckload of money on something that makes less sense than The Sopranos’ finale—was John actually Jesus? An alien? A mystical meld of Coreys Haim and Feldman? Whatever. My prediction that the increasingly intense Big Love (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26) would become HBO’s new flagship drama is looking better all the time; not so much with Entourage, which is losing it as fast as Flight of the Conchords (renewed for 2008, BTW) is gaining a cult rep as the ultimate premium-cable musical comedy. Maybe even better than Tenacious D … yeah, I said it. 
The Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, a True TV reality favorite no matter what the season, dropped a 12-ton musical bombshell of its own during its current summer run: Receptionist Mary Alice’s brother is the lead singer of … Clutch! Most PFs can agree that Clutch is the greatest band in the known universe, and now they’ve gotten more airplay in 30 minutes on the Food Network than in 10 years of MTV. Suck on that.
Even Lifetime has broken its cycle of Women In Peril Who Still Manage to Be Stylish Professionals Whilst in Bitter Custody Battles With Their Abusive Trailer Park Husbands crapola this summer with Army Wives (season finale Sunday, Aug. 26), a surprisingly good military soap opera that walks a fine line between patriotism and pathos. Just overlook the fact that its record ratings inspired Lifetime to launch State of Mind and Side Order of Life, two half-assed dramas not even up to Oxygen snuff. Ouch.
Or blame TNT’s runaway hit The Closer for the basic-cable wave of ancient actresses (you know, over 40!) in tough-chick roles. Just because The Closer—a standard-issue cop drama—lucked out with Kyra Sedgwick and an equally interesting supporting cast, TNT took another shot with Holly Hunter in Saving Grace (interestingly weird show, but Hunter has to carry it), and FX handed over Damages to Glenn Close (who can’t wrangle the 85 subplots). Still, either is better than any given CSI or Law & Order, and especially TNT’s flat-line House clone Heartland.
Poor ol’ Treat Williams got stuck with that dog, while Jeffrey Donovan has nailed pure cool in USA’s killer Burn Notice (picked up for another season) and Denis Leary still delivered the goods in FX’s Rescue Me (even though the series is going utterly batshit crazy around him) throughout the summer. It ain’t fair, but at least you’re not a guest perp on Criminal Minds, Treat.
None of these guys had as much fun with a role as James Nesbitt has in BBC America’s Jekyll (series finale Saturday, Aug. 25), which has come and now almost gone with far too little notice. As smart science-fiction goes, this Jekyll & Hyde upgrade gets it as dead-on right as Sci-Fi’s lame-o Flash Gordon remake gets it painfully wrong. More on that in next week’s True TV: The summer’s most sucktastic slop. You’ll love it, ya pretentious fucks.
Flight of The Conchords Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Series Debut: Meet the new Tenacious D—if the D were more skinny, subtle and Auckland-y. Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement are The Conchords, “New Zealand’s fourth most popular musical comedy duo,” looking to make it big in America, or at least New York City. Unfortunately, their incompetent manager (a la HBO’s Extras) won’t book them gigs at night because “it’s dangerous out there,” their lone fan is a creepily obsessed housewife and their first music video was shot on a camera phone. It might be blasphemy to say that The Conchords’ daily misadventures and hysterical songs rival Tenacious D’s, but the debut Flight episode kills … and it’s not even the funniest one.Entourage Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Season Premiere: Yes, already—don’t ask me to explain it. You can, however, call me on my prediction that Vince’s Pablo Escobar dream project will never be filmed: Entourage’s fourth-season opener is shot as a behind-the-scenes doc of … The Making of Medellin. It’s a clever change-up for the usually glam series to get on-location dirty in Columbia, but is director Billy Walsh having a meltdown over budget constraints or the fact that Vince, who’s had such a righteous hard-on to get this movie right, didn’t even bother to grow a real fucking mustache to play Escobar? Cheesy stick-on ‘stache aside, Medellin does indeed wrap production—as for the final cut, well, that’s next week’s problem. The 4400, The Dead Zone Sunday 6.17 (USA) Season Premieres: Jesus, er, Jordan Collier (Billy Campbell) is now a series regular on The 4400, despite having been assassinated last season—because no one’s going to watch a show called The 4399. On The Dead Zone, Johnny (Anthony Michael Hall) is no longer seeing visions of the apocalypse, even the Antichrist has taken office as the Vice President of the United States … when did this become a documentary?
Robot Chicken: Star Wars Sunday 6.17 (Adult Swim) Not only did Robot Chicken creators Seth Green and Matt Senreich get George Lucas’ permission to ironically/satirically/scatologically re-create the Star Wars canon with stop-motion action figures, they got Lucas himself to provide the voice for his own character—good humor or evil genius? Never know with that guy. Do I even need to add that Robot Chicken’s version of Star Wars is better than Episodes 1, 2 and 3?
The Closer Monday 6.18 (TNT) Season Premiere: Without Kyra Sedgwick, her Golden Globes and excellent supporting cast, a standard-issue cop show like The Closer would never have become The Biggest Cable Series of All Damn Time (as TNT would probably love to subtitle it). Unlike the average fatally flawed FX antihero, Sedgwick’s ex-CIA-turned-LAPD chief Brenda Johnson’s biggest vice is sugar—and she’s still as captivating as The Shield’s Vic Mackey; just imagine if she started offing perps after a bad Splenda binge. As Season 3 opens, she has a grisly triple homicide and department budget cuts to deal with—bust out the Little Debbies!
Heartland Monday 6.18 (TNT) Series Debut: Stop me if you've heard this one before: A brilliant asshole of a surgeon who plays by his own rules routinely pisses off his colleagues but always saves the life at the end of the day/show. Yes, it’s Treat Williams as House, minus the limp and stubble … and pretty much everything else. Oh, and he works with his bitter ex-wife and the series is called Heartland because he’s an organ-transplant specialist. Probably. Don’t really care. TNT dumped Saved (last year’s waaay better medical Closer companion) for this?
Alone With Her Tom Hanks’ kid Colin plays a disturbed loner stalking a woman who apparently doesn’t respond to “Don’t you know who my dad is?” IFC.com
Apocalypto Mel Gibson’s great big Mayan adventure, complete with subtitles and raping and plundering and lions and tigers—oh my! Apocalypto.movies.go.com
Epic Movie A dare was issued to make a worse movie than Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Or a parody of blockbuster films. Done! FoxHome.com
Kitchen Confidential: Complete Series Not to be confused with Hell’s Kitchen, Kitchen Confidential was smart, funny and, of course, instantly canceled by Fox in 2005. FoxHome.com
Kyle XY: Season 1 A teen hunk with no bellybutton emerges naked from the forest with no memory—is he an alien? Who cares? Naked teen hunk! ABCFamily.com
The OC: Season 4 The final season, Marissa-free and Taylor Townsend-riffic. Absent from the extras: “Whatever Happened to Phantom Planet?” WarnerBros.com
More New DVD Releases (5.22) Airwolf: Season 3, Fay Grim, The Good German, Instant Star: Season 1, Scrubs: Season 5
BROADBAND
Flight of the Conchords HBO’s new comedy series Flight of The Conchords (kind of a New Zealand-via-New York spin on Tenacious D, starring kiwi comical-musical duo The Conchords) doesn’t debut until June 17, but the hilarious first episode is available for free online right now at HBO.com and MySpace.com/Conchords. After that, you’ll just have to go back to stealing cable.
You know those pretentious fucks who’ll post a laundry list of favorite “indie” films on their MySpace profiles, but simply put something like “I don’t watch that vile, evil box of drivel and lies” under Television? They obviously don’t have cable. And they’re pretentious fucks.
