TV Tonight: SNL, Miss America, Sexting in Suburbia

What’s new tonight:
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter hosts, and inexplicable female pop flavor of the moment Lana Del Rey … sings? Mumbles? Stays awake for three minutes? At least she’s purdy …

2012 Miss America Pageant (ABC) The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison (“Ladies, there’s only one rose left”—no shit!) and nobody’s Brooke Burke host as America’s next high-profile DUI case is chosen from 53 contestants. Even better, it’s live from Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas! The Radisson was booked.

Sexting in Suburbia (Lifetime) Movie: Didn’t think Lifetime would be the first to work “sexting” into a title, but here it is: A distraught mom (Liz Vassey) investigates the cyberbullying-driven suicide of her teen daughter—which we’re just going to have to assume originated from sexting, in the suburbs. Cyberbullying in Suburbia just didn’t pop.

Also new tonight: 
Austin City Limits: Arcade Fire (PBS/KUED 7); Cops (Fox); Collision Earth (Syfy); A Taste of Romance (Hallmark); The Fades, Graham Norton Show (BBC America); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic)

Sexting in Suburbia, a cautionary tale … on a network watched by absolutely no teenagers …

TV Tonight: Fringe, Grimm, Portlandia, Real Time

What’s new tonight:
Fringe (Fox) Return: Watch it real hard, Fringers—this is likely the final season for the only true sci-fi series on network TV. Tonight, Peter travels to that Other Universe for a showdown with Walternate, and Olivia gets some troubling information from an Observer. See? The show’s not that hard to follow.

Grimm (NBC) Return: When a hyper-strong criminal literally breaks out of prison and sets out for revenge against those who locked him up, Nick (super)naturally assumes the guy must by one of them fairytale monsters. Hint: The episode is titled “Game Ogre.”

Portlandia (IFC) The Battlestar Galactica Episode: Meanwhile, on the non-monster-infested side of Portland, Fred and Carrie become obsessed with Battlestar Galactica to the point that they have to create their own fan-fiction sequel to the canceled series, and you won’t believe the guest stars they enlist to help. Well, you probably would, actually—seen Gaius Baltar in anything lately?

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) Season Premiere: In the Season 10 (!) opener, Bill welcomes commentator David Frum, director Rob Reiner, Florida Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, documentary filmmaker/writer Alexandra Pelosi and former GOP presidential candidate/pizza magnate Herman Cain, whom Bill has mocked quite extensively. Should go fine.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) Series Finale: Canceled! Pack up the bullhorn, Pennington! What? It’ll be back as a series of specials? Fuck …

Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares (fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)

Even if you’re up on Fringe, this probably won’t tell you a damned thing:

TV Tonight: 30 Rock, The Finder, Rob, Up All Night

What’s new tonight:
30 Rock (NBC) Season Premiere: About fucking time. Consider everything NBC has canceled since the last new 30 Rock episode was aired in … May 2011. Anyway: In the Season 6 premiere, Jenna becomes a hit as a kiddie-berating judge on a TV talent show, Liz tries to be more positive (not likely) and Kenneth preps for The Rapture (slightly more likely). Now let’s see if 30 Rock anchor the night as a lead-off series at 7 ... uh oh.

The Finder (Fox) Series Debut: Geoff Stults (7th Heaven) and Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) star in the Bones spin-off about a witty-weird military vet and his large attorney who can find anything or anyone, anywhere or anytime—hence, The Finder. Female sidekick Saffron Burrows was fired after the within-Bones show introduction last year either due to her over-the-top-of-the-top Cockney accent or her height (over 6 feet). They would have been the tallest cast on TV, Fox!

Rob (CBS) Series Debut: It’s shit. Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Up All Night (NBC) New Night: Yes, the network has swapped Whitney and Up All Night, which kicks off its new timeslot with an oh-so-topical episode about New Year’s Eve. Hey, it’s funny—no one’s even going to notice.

Also new tonight: 
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Parks & Recreation, The Office, The Firm (NBC); Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)

How we first met The Finder last year, with nary a trace of Saffron Burrows:

TV Tonight: Are You There, Chelsea?

What’s new tonight: 
Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) Series Debut: Batting clean-up after the newly-relocated Whitney, it’s the new Are You There, Chelsea? aka The Sitcom Formerly Known As Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. NBC is calling the combo Happy Hour—not Harpy Hour, you Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings haters. Me, I’m still one of the very few who actually like Whitney (the comedienne and the series), but Chelsea is a tougher sell: We’ve already had half a season of Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, do we really need another Beeotches Be Obnoxious sitcom? Going by Chelsea’s pilot, probably not. Handler’s funny as hell on cable, but forcing her into a watered-down network sitcom role (playing her own older sister, as Laura Prepon plays Chelsea … wha?) has Huge Fucking Compromise written all over it. Shoulda sold it to Showtime, Chels.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); The People’s Choice Awards (CBS); Whitney, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); Mobbed (Fox); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras, I Cloned My Pet (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)

Back when Are You There, Chelsea? still had her Vodka:

TV Tonight: 24 Hour Catwalk, Dance Moms, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime) New Series: This debuted last Thursday after the season premiere of Project Runway All Stars—yeah, it made that much of an impression. In 24 Hour Catwalk (named so because host Alexa Chung looks like a wet cat, I’m assuming), aspiring designers have—you guessed it—24 hours to stitch together a clothing line and, of course, cause as much sewing room DRA-MA as possible. But, seriously: Who the fuck is Alexa Chung?

Dance Moms (Lifetime) Season Premiere: The surprise cable hit of 2011 is back! If you find Toddlers & Tiaras to be just be a little too “thinky” and “dignified,” Dance Moms (starring Loud! Now! Brown! Cow! instructor Abby Lee Miller) is for you! Lick it up, ‘Merica.

Body of Proof (ABC) Watch It While You Can: Biz buzz has it that ABC’s MILF-tastic crime drama Body of Proof is headed for the ol’ TV glue factory after Season 2 wraps—which means we (meaning, myself and a few hundred other viewers) only have several months/weeks/minutes left with Dana Delaney and Jeri Ryan. Same goes for Poppy Montgomery’s Unforgettable over on CBS; Maria Bello’s Prime Suspect is already long gone from NBC. This just ain’t the season for lady cops, apparently.

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap: Flavor Flav & Dee Snider (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Extreme Couponing All Stars (TLC)

How many millions watched Dance Moms last year? WT Fuck?

TV Tonight: Californication Replay

Forgot to pirate the neighbor’s cable and missed the Season 5 premiere of Californication last night? Showtime’s posted it (albeit in edited form) on YouTube, and it’s worth it for guest star RZA’s nearly-intelligible bon mots. Enjoy:



New tonight:
The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); Caged (MTV)