TV Weekend: Nikita, Free Agents, Breaking Bad

What’s new this weekend:
Nikita (The CW, tonight) Is Nikita making any sense yet? Of course not—but shit’s blowin’ up and everybody looks cool, so just roll with it. Tonight, Nikita (Maggie Q) learns that an agent she captured for Division years ago has been committing heavy political assassinations for Division. Oh, snap. Yet more revenge rage, inexplicably effective disguises and guest star Rekha Sharma (Battlestar Galactica—Tory!) ensue.

Also new tonight:
A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Supernatual (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Free Agents (BBC America, Saturday) U.S. Debut: Now that the ‘Merican version has been canceled by NBC, check out how Free Agents was supposed to be done—with Buffy’s Anthony Stewart Head in the lead instead of on the sidelines. Much better.

Also new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Ben Stiller & Foster the People (NBC/CW30); Terror Beneath (Syfy); Bad Dog! (Animal Planet)

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) Season Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2), and come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 p.m. to watch it all go down on the big screen.

The Good Wife (CBS) Clash of the MILFs Alert: Lisa Edelstein (House) guests as Will’s ex-wife, which probably won’t sit well with new gal Alicia (Julianna Margulies). Am I just mentally manufacturing a catfight? Maybe …

Six Days to Air: The Making of South Park (Comedy Central) Special: How do Trey Parker and Matt Stone slap together a South Park episode? Find out in this documentary—that’s right, it takes six whole days.

Also new Sunday:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, CSI: Miami (CBS); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Squidbillies (Adult Swim); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

How’s Breaking Bad going to end this season? Kinda like this:

TV Tonight: Charlie’s Angels, Parks & Recreation, The League

What’s new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels (ABC) Now that NBC’s The Playboy Club and Free Agents have been killed dead, the next new series staring down the cancellation barrel is … Charlie’s Angels! So, if you’re a fan of humorless cop drama barely acted by passable models with a dash of requisite action, better catch it now—could be gone by next week, as ABC isn’t showing the same “patience” as NBC these days. Tonight’s ep even has one of the Angels (doesn’t matter which; let’s say it’s Minka Kelly) playing in “a floating, high-stakes poker game” on a cruise ship! It’s a ‘ho nuffer level of terrible!

Parks & Recreation (NBC) Conveniently coinciding with the Knope 2012 campaign, Leslie (Amy Poehler) releases her new book, Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America. Pandering for votes? Hey, it’ll do better than my campaign book, Suck It! Salt Lake.

Whitney (NBC) Whitney catches her boyfriend checking out other girls; crazy-chick clichés and jokes-yelling ensue. Since I can’t root for Natasha Leggero on Free Agents anymore, I guess I’ll have to throw my brunette-female-comic support completely behind Team Whitney. Should have seen this coming …

The League (FX) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, How to Be a Gentleman, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, The Office, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway (Lifetime); NTSF:SD:SUV (Adult Swim); Jersey Shore (MTV); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)

Parks & Recreation makes book talk on radio sound almost exciting:

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, South Park, Penn & Teller

New shows picked up for full seasons: New Girl (Fox); Whitney, Up All Night (NBC); 2 Broke Girls (CBS). Canceled already: The Playboy Club (NBC). Old shows in danger of cancellation over $ disputes: The Simpsons (Fox); Dexter (Showtime).

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) Series Debut: Two conclusions after watching the pilot of American Horror Story: 1. Showrunner Ryan Murphy has some seriously dark weirdness to work out after three seasons of Glee, and 2. The Walking Dead won’t be the scariest show on TV this fall. Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton headline a killer cast (which also includes Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy) as a couple who moves across the country with some heavy marital baggage and a teenage daughter (Taissa Farmiga) to Los Angeles into—what else?—a haunted Victorian. The setup is familiar, but the execution, from the deliciously Grindhouse-style opening and closing credits to the slowly stacking creepiness and tension in between, makes for the best horror movie no one’s made in years. At least, for the first episode, which is all FX has provided so far—let’s see if American Horror Story can sustain the intensity until Christmas. [Update: Episode 2 airing Oct. 12 falls on the “meh” side, so maybe not.]

South Park (Comedy Central) Midseason Premiere: If you recall, the first half of this season left off on a major bummer, what with Stan having an existential crisis on his 10th birthday and all. There’s more of that tonight, as well as Cartman dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome—when did South Park turn into The Big C?

Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery) Series Debut: Done with Bullshit!, Penn & Teller move onto bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, truth! in Tell a Lie, a shell game of a TV show wherein you have to pick which wacko scientific theory is actually real. Great, more homework …

Raising Hope (Fox) Special Night: Apparently, The X Factor could only fill 90 minutes tonight, so we get an extra ep of Raising Hope. Enjoy!

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Free Agents, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); Dance Moms (Lifetime); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Couponing (TLC); The Real World (MTV)

American Horror Story brings that Ryan Murphy freak-magic back to FX:

TV Tonight: The Onion News Network!

What’s new tonight:
The Onion News Network (IFC) Season Premiere: Comedy Central’s Onion SportsDome may have tanked, but IFC’s Onion News Network lives to see a second season—likely due to the commanding news presence of one Brooke Alvarez (played amazingly straight-faced by Suzanne Sena, a former real reporter for E! and Fox News). She can even sell The End Of The World effectively: Tonight’s lead story is “Doomsday 2011,” an asteroid hurtling toward Earth that will surely obliterate us all; naturally, you get Ice-T and wife Coco to weigh in on the import of the event. After The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, ONN is all the news you need.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom (MTV); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E)

Kiss your ass goodbye with The Onion News Network: 

TV Tonight: House, Warehouse 13, The Playboy Club

What’s new tonight:
House (Fox) Season 8 Premiere: After ramming his car through Cuddy’s dining room at back in May (nope, not a drive-thru), the doc is in the Greybar Hotel at the opening of Season 8—and his warden is Eddie from The Cruisers (Michael Pare)! And his new pal in the joint is Erkel (Jaleel White)! And, of course, he’s diagnosing fellow prisoners! Wonder if one is Big Otto from Sons of Anarchy …

Warehouse 13 (Syfy) Season 3 Finale: In the two-hour finale, Myka and Pete head to Wyoming and … wait, we’re gonna spend two hours in Wyoming? No thanks.

The Playboy Club (NBC) Would it be possible to take The Playboy Club’s ratings even lower than The CW’s tonight? Let’s make this happen—the sooner this is over, the sooner the local scourge known as We Are Utah is over.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); Terra Nova (Fox); The Sing-Off (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); Hart of Dixie, Gossip Girl (The CW); Top Gear (BBC America); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV)

A House promo that totally blows the “Jail House Rock” opportunity: