Paula's Burning Sensation

Hey Paula Thursday 6.28 (Bravo) Series Debut: Bravo’s celebrity-reality shows veer between highly entertaining (Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List provides more laughs than most networks’ entire sitcom lineups) and highly disturbing (Being Bobby Brown—ditto). Their latest let’s-follow-a-fameless-star-around-and-hope-for-a-train-wreck vehicle is Hey Paula, all about the wacky world of American Idol lush, er, judge Paula Abdul—sounds perfect, right? Kiss my ass, Bob-bay! Hey Paula doesn’t address Abdul’s alleged craziness or dope-iness; it just walks you through her hectic days of hawking crap on QVC and praising crap on Idol—all of which is as thrilling as reading someone else’s day planner. Poor, busy celebrities!

The Starter Wife Thursday 6.28 (USA) Miniseries Finale: This should have been over weeks ago. The initial two hours of The Starter Wife were charming enough, but the miniseries ran out of story long before it exhausted the wardrobe (apparently a larger—as in, size 2—concern). The semi-autobiographical epic been on so long that creator Gigi Levangie-Grazer left her power-player husband for real during the run, and star Debra Messing has had to have her roots retouched twice—or was it the other way around? Anyway, in the finale, Molly (Messing) chooses between the old rich guy and the hunky young homeless guy, and USA will be brainstorming over how drag this out into a series. Yeah … neither choice really needs to be made—just let it ride, folks.

Burn Notice Thursday 6.28 (USA) Series Debut: Agent Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan of USA’s too-short-lived Touching Evil) gets fired and blacklisted by the CIA and dumped in Miami. Upside: Plenty of rays, bikinis and opportunities to whip off sunglasses while dropping Caruso quips. Downside: He doesn’t know why he was canned, he now has to take on freelance private-eye gigs and the mother he hates (Sharon Gless) also lives in Miami. Burn Notice glides by on flashy cinematography and casual cool, and Westen has Black-Ops spy skills and suave charm that the dicks of USA’s Monk and Psych can’t touch. Throw in Bruce Campbell (yes, Old Spice pitchman Bruce Campbell) as his boozing/womanizing ex-spy pal, and you have what should, rightfully, be The Next Big Cable Hit. Then again, I said that about Touching Evil, too …

The Loop Sunday 7.1 (Fox) Series Finale: Didn’t know it was back on? Has been for a few weeks; sorry, forgot to drop a reminder for you dozen Loop fans. The show has been canceled by Fox (like Standoff—quit sending me e-mails insisting it isn’t; I know stuff) even though it’s a better comedy than some of the crap they’re retaining (ahem, ‘Til Death), and some of the funnier episodes have languished in the summer burn-off. Like the first half of tonight’s two-part sendoff: Sam’s airline accidentally ticks off a group of fatties known as … the American Association of Plus-Sized Adults. Please, please let the AAPSA be repurposed next season on House.

Hidden Palms Wednesday 7.4 (The CW) Season Finale: So it’s not as bad as I originally thought. Still sucks. Buh-bye!

Drive Wednesday 7.4 (Fox) Series Finale: Speaking of burn-offs, Fox is unloading the final two episodes of Drive on the Fourth of July—at least they’re not rerunning Independence Day again. God, I hate Will Smith. So, when last we left Drive in April, the high-stakes cross-country car race was heating up, the intrigue and back-stories were piling up, and these final two hours will tie up … pretty much nothing, as the season was intended to run 13 episodes, not six. Perpetual cliffhangers: The American (or at least Fox) way.

But ... Pirates

Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.

The Starter Wife Thursday 5.31 (USA) Miniseries Debut: If you haven’t heard about this one, you don’t have cable—or TV, or sensory perception. The USA Network has never promoted an event as heavily as The Starter Wife, a four-hour-that-coulda-been-two miniseries starring Ned & Stacey’s (sorry, Will & Grace’s) Debra Messing as the just-dumped spouse of a Hollywood power weasel trying to find herself with the help of her friends (one cynical, one sweet, one gay—bases covered) and zippy one-liners (“Of course I’m cranky! I haven’t eaten for 12 years!”). The irony of 38-year-old Messing playing a 40-something in a pseudo-commentary on Hollywood’s treatment of older women aside, The Starter Wife is hyper-colorful fun that nicely balances laughs and Touching Moments, even when you know exactly where it’s headed (Will she find happiness with a younger/hotter man than her douchebag husband? Duh. Is the guy who played Will unemployable?). This may also be Messing’s I’m-Not-Grace breakout role—but she’ll always be Stacey to me.

Hex Saturday 6.2 (BBC America) Season Premiere: It didn’t make much sense, but last year’s BBC America run of the addictive British supernatural series Hex at least kept you asking, “What’s going to happen next? And what just happened now?” Nutshell: Unpopular schoolgirl gains witch-y powers, her lesbian roommate is killed by a hunky demon, said roommate remains as a wisecracking ghost, together they must battle the minions of Satan—and possibly a cease-and-desist order from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s lawyers. In the second and final season, Unpopular Girl is dead and a centuries-old demon-hunting witch has taken her place; wisecracking and rampant sex (hey, it’s cable—and British) continue unabated.

Entourage Sunday 6.3 (HBO) Season Finale: In a network first, HBO won’t make you wait two years for the next season of a series: Entourage’s fourth will begin on June 17—never mind the long-ass break in this third season and just go with it. That said, not much of a cliffhanger here: Does anyone really think Medellin is ever going to get made? And am I the only one concerned about how easy it was for Drama to storm into The Hollywood Reporter’s offices a few weeks ago and confront a TV critic? No? Just me, then … Drama rules!

The Riches Monday 6.4 (FX) Season Finale: FX has granted second seasons to Dirt (eh) and The Riches (woo-hoo!), but only the latter earned it—and with far less hype. The Riches, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver as gypsy grifters posing as wealthy suburbanites living on the edge of being found out, has evolved quietly from quirky setup to societal-class study without getting (too) preachy about it. Izzard’s Wayne/Doug, originally the optimistic Man With a Plan, has become a broken “lawyer,” while Driver’s Dahlia/Cherien, at first a druggy wreck, is looking more and more like the only “Rich” who’ll be able to hold the family and the scam together. As with the first season of the like-minded Big Love, The Riches’ first closes with the threat of exposure; also similarly, that’s the least of their problems.

The Shield Tuesday 6.5 (FX) Season Finale: Don’t we end every season of The Shield saying “the shit’s all coming down, man!”? Well … the shit’s all coming down, man!