TV Tonight: The Closer, Bored to Death, Scouted

What’s new tonight:
The Closer (TNT) Fall Premiere: The Mouth of the South, LAPD chief Brenda Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick), is headed for the last roundup, the first of the five final Season 7 episodes kicking off tonight. You may not have known The Closer was still on, but your mom does.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) Fall Premiere: Your mom also knows about Rizzoli & Isles, and she’s adamant that these crime-solvin’ ladies (Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander) aren’t lesbians. So don’t even bring it up.

Bored to Death (HBO) Season Finale: While Hung is the most fully realized comedy on HBO right now, Bored to Death is its flat-out weirdest: Where else would you get a love triangle that includes Zack Galifianakis and Olympia Dukakis, weed-smokin’ Ted Danson in a restaurant war with Oliver Platt and a guest shot by Dick Cavett, all in the same season? More so than any other series, comedy or drama, Bored to Death unfolds with the fluidity of a jazz score, making even the most bizarre situations seem like just another plausible day in Brooklyn. Here’s hoping HBO picks it up for a fourth season next year; Jason Schwartzman (as writer/unlicensed detective Jonathan Ames) will likely never be better than he is here.

Scouted (E!) Series Debut: Scouts grab pretty people off the streets and turn them into models—not against their will, although that would make for a far more interesting reality series. Scouted also has some sort of vague Utah connection I couldn’t give less of a fuck about.

Also new tonight:
Shrek the Halls, You Deserve It (ABC); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Pawn Stars (History); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Tribute to Ryan Dunn (MTV), Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

It’s a (small) army of Super Rays to the rescue on Bored to Death! 

TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Hart of Dixie, The Headhuntress

What's new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Jonathan’s girlfriend from college (Happy Endings’ Casey Wilson) hires him and, for some reason, George and Ray, to protect her family’s wedding jewels—hence, high comedy in black turtlenecks and wool caps. In other this-can’t-end-well developments, heartbroken Ray moves in with George. Related: Why the hell did Saturday Night Live ever fire Casey Wilson, anyway?

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Every week, I think “No, Hart of Dixie couldn’t possibly get any more stoopid”; every week, it proves me wrong. Tonight, NASCAR driver Brian Vickers guests just to withdraw his entry from the town’s annual turtle race … WT fuck? Meanwhile, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) catches the eye of a veterinarian and humpin’, er, love might be in the air.

The Headhuntress (Bravo) Special: Career coach Wendy Doulton teaches you how to find a job—even though, if you’re watching Bravo, chances are you really want nothing to do with employment, reality or leaving the couch.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, 20/20 (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

Just another Monday for Bored to Death: 

TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Hoarders, Monster In-Laws

What’s new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) goes on The Dick Cavett Show (!) to promote his book. No, Dick Cavett isn’t dead—you’re thinking of Merv Griffin. You weren’t thinking of Merv Griffin? Huh. Anyway, Jonathan’s arch-nemesis shows up and ruins this retro-joyous moment, as arch-nemesis tend to do. Also, Ray (Zack Galifianakis) somehow sets off an AMBER alert, and Ted Danson is waaay funnier here than he is on CSI. Just sayin.’

Hoarders (A&E) Season Premiere: Two more mentally-unstable crap collectors with questionable back-stories are profiled: Kevin, the son of some allegedly famous people, and Mary, who’s obsessed with Victorian houses. Both have too much stuff, and their families aren’t putting up with it anymore. Yeah, it’s a whole new twist this season!

Monster In-Laws (A&E) Series Debut: In-laws don’t get along, so a basic-cable network and a “no-nonsense, unconventional relationship expert” are here to solve centuries of bullshit. But these Monster In-Laws are particularly horrible, horrible bastard people who can only be cured on national television. You know, just like A&E cured hoarding.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off (NBC); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

Bored to Death preview twofer: Cavett prep and dormant male nipples …

TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Enlightened, Five, Hart of Dixie

What’s new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Season Premiere: “I’ll be signing books, iPads and Kindles,” Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) tells the crowd gathered for the release of his novel, The Blonde in the Woods, at the opening of Bored to Death’s third season—sounds like everything’s going our hero’s way, right? Don’t worry, he’ll be in over his head in a new “detective” case soon enough. Oh, and Ray (Zach Galifianakis) will be breastfeeding a baby via whiskey on his nipples, and George (Ted Danson) will attempt to open a new restaurant on Jane Street called, of course, George on Jane—the usual Bored to Death hijinks.

Enlightened (HBO) Series Debut: Which are a weird fit with the new Enlightened, a dramedy from Mike White and Laura Dern starring the latter as a driven, toxic career woman who suffers a major professional meltdown, recoups at a New Age retreat and returns even more insufferable (but positive!) than before. Unfortunately, the navel-gazing drama outweighs the comedy, like a bummer cousin to The Big C. Yeah, I thought that was impossible, too.

Five (Lifetime) Movie Special: Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, Alicia Keys and some other less-famous women direct five shorts about breast cancer. OK, maybe Enlightened isn’t the most depressing thing on TV tonight …

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Hey, It’s Not Canceled Yet: In order to impress the local hillbillies, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) tries to win a local gumbo-cooking contest. Since when the fuck is gumbo an Alabama dish? Does The CW just think all Southern cooking is the same? And are we supposed to believe that Bilson actually eats? Bitches, please.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); House, Terra Nova (Fox); The
Sing-Off (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); Gossip Girl (The CW); Top Gear (BBC America); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); (Dis)connected (MTV)

Coming this season on Bored to Death: Intrigue, guns and … Dick Cavett?

Bored to Death: New Season 3 Trailer

So long, Sundays: Season 3 of HBO's Bored to Death premieres Monday, Oct. 10, leading into new series Enlightened. Moving the comedy to Mondays with no established lead-in (or lead-out) seems like a risky move; Big Love tried it once, and it worked out as well as a stroll in the neighborhood for Bill Henrickson. Still, this new trailer makes a convincing case following Jason Schwartzman, Zack Galifianakis and Ted Danson to a new night--put that white wine on ice now ...