Paula's Burning Sensation

Hey Paula Thursday 6.28 (Bravo) Series Debut: Bravo’s celebrity-reality shows veer between highly entertaining (Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List provides more laughs than most networks’ entire sitcom lineups) and highly disturbing (Being Bobby Brown—ditto). Their latest let’s-follow-a-fameless-star-around-and-hope-for-a-train-wreck vehicle is Hey Paula, all about the wacky world of American Idol lush, er, judge Paula Abdul—sounds perfect, right? Kiss my ass, Bob-bay! Hey Paula doesn’t address Abdul’s alleged craziness or dope-iness; it just walks you through her hectic days of hawking crap on QVC and praising crap on Idol—all of which is as thrilling as reading someone else’s day planner. Poor, busy celebrities!

The Starter Wife Thursday 6.28 (USA) Miniseries Finale: This should have been over weeks ago. The initial two hours of The Starter Wife were charming enough, but the miniseries ran out of story long before it exhausted the wardrobe (apparently a larger—as in, size 2—concern). The semi-autobiographical epic been on so long that creator Gigi Levangie-Grazer left her power-player husband for real during the run, and star Debra Messing has had to have her roots retouched twice—or was it the other way around? Anyway, in the finale, Molly (Messing) chooses between the old rich guy and the hunky young homeless guy, and USA will be brainstorming over how drag this out into a series. Yeah … neither choice really needs to be made—just let it ride, folks.

Burn Notice Thursday 6.28 (USA) Series Debut: Agent Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan of USA’s too-short-lived Touching Evil) gets fired and blacklisted by the CIA and dumped in Miami. Upside: Plenty of rays, bikinis and opportunities to whip off sunglasses while dropping Caruso quips. Downside: He doesn’t know why he was canned, he now has to take on freelance private-eye gigs and the mother he hates (Sharon Gless) also lives in Miami. Burn Notice glides by on flashy cinematography and casual cool, and Westen has Black-Ops spy skills and suave charm that the dicks of USA’s Monk and Psych can’t touch. Throw in Bruce Campbell (yes, Old Spice pitchman Bruce Campbell) as his boozing/womanizing ex-spy pal, and you have what should, rightfully, be The Next Big Cable Hit. Then again, I said that about Touching Evil, too …

The Loop Sunday 7.1 (Fox) Series Finale: Didn’t know it was back on? Has been for a few weeks; sorry, forgot to drop a reminder for you dozen Loop fans. The show has been canceled by Fox (like Standoff—quit sending me e-mails insisting it isn’t; I know stuff) even though it’s a better comedy than some of the crap they’re retaining (ahem, ‘Til Death), and some of the funnier episodes have languished in the summer burn-off. Like the first half of tonight’s two-part sendoff: Sam’s airline accidentally ticks off a group of fatties known as … the American Association of Plus-Sized Adults. Please, please let the AAPSA be repurposed next season on House.

Hidden Palms Wednesday 7.4 (The CW) Season Finale: So it’s not as bad as I originally thought. Still sucks. Buh-bye!

Drive Wednesday 7.4 (Fox) Series Finale: Speaking of burn-offs, Fox is unloading the final two episodes of Drive on the Fourth of July—at least they’re not rerunning Independence Day again. God, I hate Will Smith. So, when last we left Drive in April, the high-stakes cross-country car race was heating up, the intrigue and back-stories were piling up, and these final two hours will tie up … pretty much nothing, as the season was intended to run 13 episodes, not six. Perpetual cliffhangers: The American (or at least Fox) way.

Critical Ass

Cancellation Boulevard Your favorite shows? Yeah, sorry: ABC has killed Big Day, Day Break, George Lopez, The Great American Dream Vote, Help Me Help You, In Case of Emergency, The Knights of Prosperity, The Nine, Show Me the Money, Six Degrees and What About Brian. CBS has executed Armed & Famous, The Class, Close to Home, Jericho, The King of Queens, Smith and 3 Lbs. Fox has exterminated Drive, Happy Hour, Justice, Nanny 911, The O.C., The Rich List, Trading Spouses, Vanished, The War at Home, The Wedding Bells and The Winner. The CW has snuffed All of Us, Gilmore Girls, Reba, Runaway, Seventh Heaven (again) and Veronica Mars (bastards!). NBC has granted dirtnaps to Andy Barker P.I., The Black Donnellys, Crossing Jordan, Grease: You’re the One That I Want, Identity, Kidnapped, Raines, The Real Wedding Crashers, Thank God You’re Here and …

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursday 5.24 (NBC) Return: Oh, like you really thought it was going to last forever. Since they paid out the ass for ‘em, NBC is burning off the final six episodes of Aaron Sorkin’s valiant effort to force Middle America feel empathy for Hollywood millionaires who produce sketch shows about how Jesus-freak stupid Middle America is—until it starts hemorrhaging ER’s timeslot viewers, then it’s off to NBC.com for you atheist yucksters. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip launched with an amazing pilot last fall, but even diehard fans will admit that the series devolved into an incestuous soap opera with delusions of bringing down The Establishment (hey, just like an alt-weekly newspaper office … hmmm). Let’s hope Sorkin & Co. at least attempted to redeem themselves in the back six.

So You Think You Can Dance? Thursday 5.24 (Fox) Season Premiere: No, I don’t. Go fuck yourself.

On the Lot Monday 5.28 (Fox) New Series: Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett’s mash-up of Project Greenlight and Survivor (teams of unknown filmmakers work together to create short films on the fly; auteurs are eliminated until one ultimately wins a development deal with DreamWorks) might be the first-ever Fox reality contest to actually involve some talent. But then again, the panel of judges includes crapmasters Garry Marshall and Brett Ratner, so it all balances out.

House, Boston Legal Tuesday 5.29 (Fox, ABC) Season Finales: Dr. House solves a mystery disease at the :49 mark; Alan and Denny take on an over-the-top case. See ya next season!

Hidden Palms Wednesday 5.30 (The CW) Series Debut: If a team of chimps created a teen soap that combined all the lamest elements of The O.C., One Tree Hill and a Palm Springs travel brochure … I’d much rather watch that than Hidden Palms, another example of why The CW should be scrapped altogether and have the spare parts sold off to real networks. Get this: Broody teen Johnny Miller (Taylor Handley—late of The O.C., natch) moves to Palm Springs with his mom and new step-dad after a rehab stint, only to learn that … paradise has a dark side. Great. On top of that, he’s out to solve a local murder mystery with the help of several hot girls and … a drag queen, who’s “the only voice of reason in the strange and artificial atmosphere of Palm Springs.” Genius. Veronica who?

The Next Best Thing Wednesday 5.30 (ABC) Series Debut: ABC tacked on the subtitle Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? The Only TV Column That Matters™ would like to add The Reality/Talent Show Teet Has Now Officially Sucked Dry, So Please Excuse Us as We Drag it Across the Street and Cash the Last Check. Set your TiVos accordingly.