Critical Ass

Cancellation Boulevard Your favorite shows? Yeah, sorry: ABC has killed Big Day, Day Break, George Lopez, The Great American Dream Vote, Help Me Help You, In Case of Emergency, The Knights of Prosperity, The Nine, Show Me the Money, Six Degrees and What About Brian. CBS has executed Armed & Famous, The Class, Close to Home, Jericho, The King of Queens, Smith and 3 Lbs. Fox has exterminated Drive, Happy Hour, Justice, Nanny 911, The O.C., The Rich List, Trading Spouses, Vanished, The War at Home, The Wedding Bells and The Winner. The CW has snuffed All of Us, Gilmore Girls, Reba, Runaway, Seventh Heaven (again) and Veronica Mars (bastards!). NBC has granted dirtnaps to Andy Barker P.I., The Black Donnellys, Crossing Jordan, Grease: You’re the One That I Want, Identity, Kidnapped, Raines, The Real Wedding Crashers, Thank God You’re Here and …

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursday 5.24 (NBC) Return: Oh, like you really thought it was going to last forever. Since they paid out the ass for ‘em, NBC is burning off the final six episodes of Aaron Sorkin’s valiant effort to force Middle America feel empathy for Hollywood millionaires who produce sketch shows about how Jesus-freak stupid Middle America is—until it starts hemorrhaging ER’s timeslot viewers, then it’s off to NBC.com for you atheist yucksters. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip launched with an amazing pilot last fall, but even diehard fans will admit that the series devolved into an incestuous soap opera with delusions of bringing down The Establishment (hey, just like an alt-weekly newspaper office … hmmm). Let’s hope Sorkin & Co. at least attempted to redeem themselves in the back six.

So You Think You Can Dance? Thursday 5.24 (Fox) Season Premiere: No, I don’t. Go fuck yourself.

On the Lot Monday 5.28 (Fox) New Series: Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett’s mash-up of Project Greenlight and Survivor (teams of unknown filmmakers work together to create short films on the fly; auteurs are eliminated until one ultimately wins a development deal with DreamWorks) might be the first-ever Fox reality contest to actually involve some talent. But then again, the panel of judges includes crapmasters Garry Marshall and Brett Ratner, so it all balances out.

House, Boston Legal Tuesday 5.29 (Fox, ABC) Season Finales: Dr. House solves a mystery disease at the :49 mark; Alan and Denny take on an over-the-top case. See ya next season!

Hidden Palms Wednesday 5.30 (The CW) Series Debut: If a team of chimps created a teen soap that combined all the lamest elements of The O.C., One Tree Hill and a Palm Springs travel brochure … I’d much rather watch that than Hidden Palms, another example of why The CW should be scrapped altogether and have the spare parts sold off to real networks. Get this: Broody teen Johnny Miller (Taylor Handley—late of The O.C., natch) moves to Palm Springs with his mom and new step-dad after a rehab stint, only to learn that … paradise has a dark side. Great. On top of that, he’s out to solve a local murder mystery with the help of several hot girls and … a drag queen, who’s “the only voice of reason in the strange and artificial atmosphere of Palm Springs.” Genius. Veronica who?

The Next Best Thing Wednesday 5.30 (ABC) Series Debut: ABC tacked on the subtitle Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? The Only TV Column That Matters™ would like to add The Reality/Talent Show Teet Has Now Officially Sucked Dry, So Please Excuse Us as We Drag it Across the Street and Cash the Last Check. Set your TiVos accordingly.