29 Finales & a Bitch Ain't One

Seven days, 29 season finales, no waiting ...

Thursday 5.17
The Office, Scrubs, ER (NBC) In The Office’s one-hour season finale, Michael, Jim and Karen are all interviewing in New York for the job at corporate—but is Andy still floating in the lake? As for the season (but not series) finale of Scrubs, it’s all babies and weddings, so it’ll flow seamlessly into ER.

Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) How could Ugly Betty get any gayer? Bring in Kristin Chenoweth and stage a musical episode! Grey’s Anatomy goes out further setting up the Kate’s Anatomy spin-off and a forthcoming Disneyland ride (adults only).

Smallville, Supernatural (The CW) Hair mussed, shirts off—let’s fight some evil!

Friday 5.18
Law & Order (NBC) Hair Brylcreemed, shirts tucked—let’s not get canceled!

Numb3rs (CBS) A shocking secret is discovered within the FBI team. Not to give anything away, but it involves Charlie, a calculator and six female Korean “massage” therapists.

Saturday 5.19
Saturday Night Live (NBC) Zach Braff hosts, so the musical guest has to be some underground indie-hipster sensation. Ladies and gentlemen … Maroon 5?

Mad TV, Talkshow With Spike Feresten (Fox) After 12 seasons, Mad TV may not be back for another—because, get this, lead-out Talkshow With Spike Feresten pulls better late-night ratings than Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Carson Daly do on weeknights. Seriously! Also, Talkshow is owned and produced by Fox; Mad TV, not so much. Wow, that’s more ink than has ever been wasted on these shows …

Sunday 5.20
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters (ABC) Would The Only TV Column That Matters™ make a cheap Ty Pennington/DUI joke? Why hammer the hammered? Ha! On Desperate Housewives, it’s more weddings and no babies, which would flow seamlessly into Brothers & Sisters, if not for the fact that B&S sucks.

King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox) Another wedding (!) for King of the Hill, Jack and Chloe of 24 drop in on The Simpsons, Peter time-travels on Family Guy and American Dad races across the country—just like Drive, only not canceled. Ouch.

Monday 5.21
The Bachelor (ABC) Andy the buff ‘n’ waxed Bachelor is not gay. He loves the ladies. As long they have a penis … er, sweet personality.

24 (Fox) Disco Stu and Bumblebee Man of The Simpsons drop in on 24 … no? So unfair.

Heroes, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) Can the Heroes prevent New York from being blow’d up and a post-apocalyptic future of weird facial hair? On L&O:CI, the bodies are piling up—and none of them are Vincent D’Onofrio’s.

Tuesday 5.22
Dancing With the Stars, Boston Legal (ABC) Why do people continue to watch Dancing with no Heather Mills? I’m stumped. Boston Legal’s season finale finds Alan and Denny representing Andy the Bachelor, who’s suing some TV hack for defamation.

NCIS (CBS) A hostage-situation cliffhanger. How unusual.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Ice-T’s stepson (Ludacris) goes on trial for murdering his baby-mama. Expect some acting, sucka!

Veronica Mars (The CW) It’s the end of the line for Veronica—maybe. At press time, The CW was leaning toward canceling Veronica Mars instead of opting for a fourth season that would jump ahead five years and revolve around our spunky heroine’s new adventures in the FBI. Or in the Pussycat Dolls.

Wednesday 5.23
Lost (ABC) You now know they’re not getting off the island until 2010. Wait it out.

American Idol (Fox) Oh, and we’re out of space. Dang the luck …